notes from a pop-culture rehabilitation specialist

  • december 14th.
    patient admitted with stage iv pop culture fatigue syndrome. incapable of viewing latest marvel superhero film. cannot recall major plot points of latest star wars film.

    march 3rd.
    after intensive therapy, patient now able to create cosplay costumes and line up early for pre-screening showings. successfully coached patient in the writing of game of thrones fan fiction. prognosis: encouraging.
     

  • april 7th. patient admitted in near-catatonic state. could not name a single avenger. administered an iv drip of iron man 2 and provided a laptop with marvel insider fan forum privileges.

    may 14th. patient observed arguing online who would win in a fight between hulk and thor. prognosis: guardedly optimistic.
     

  • june 11th. patient admitted suffering from acute post-traumatic star wars prequel syndrome. installed lucas blocker apps on all personal devices and prescribed a daily viewing routine of guardians of the galaxy, space balls, firefly and serenity. time will tell.
     

  • september 23rd. most challenging case yet. patient admitted with severe addiction to george clooney batman film. defies existing medical logic. have consulted a swiss authority on self-destructive pop culture addiction. patient under heavy restraint.
     

  • october 4th. subject administered with acute bono poisoning. suffering delusions of messianic grandeur. administered steady dose of elliot smith.
     

  • january 3rd. new patient admitted today. complaining of acute rock band danger signs. symptoms include the following:

    • singer writes songs about his spirit animal

    • increased use of auto tune “ironically”

    • pitchfork describes their latest album as “essential”

    • even the women at their shows have beards

    • last single features a rap break sung entirely in jamaican patois

    • in recent interviews, singer maintains that the guitars are there, they’re just “buried in the mix”

    • scarlet johansen requests they be her backing band

    • wes anderson requests they score his latest film, a "quirky tale of two brothers, both played by luke wilson"

    • their new live album has overdubs

    • the drummer now plays electronic drums

    • currently recording a concept album about a dystopic future

    • newest band member does nothing but dance onstage

    • their trumpet player is now an alcoholic

    • singer demands his girlfriend be allowed onstage to play tambourine

    • bassist now plays more keyboards than bass

    • a revolving door of lead guitarists

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