no other possibility

  • caligula vs. space ghost

  • in 1899, the first internet chat room moderator hung himself

  • all hollywood bro comedies must feature cgi bowel movement scenes

  • groupons are now available for the public beheading in the food court next month

  • a sitar player who moonlights as a scent detective

  • all white women in east coast cities who dabble in ukulele shall be named zoe

  • emotional weather report: cloudy with a 60% chance of anxiety and mobile apps

  • lolzheimers: the inability to remember what you were laughing about

  • you'll use the word 'defrocked' in four different conversations this week

  • a man dreams of moving to a town inhabited solely by women who look like they manage blogs for a living

  • make the same prank call to the same random number on the same day once every 10 years

  • "the houston metronomes defeated the hezzbolah rockets, playing with almost unerring precision"

  • in the future, women will have breasts all over

  • new meme: infants with mustaches

  • your spacex tourist space flight turns to terror when you become stranded on a remote lunar base inhabited solely by semi-nude lacrosse instructors

  • scene in the next batman movie where bruce wayne says "computer, read from pippi longstocking, chapter 7, paragraph 3"

  • the lyrics to every rock love song ever written boil down to: "baby we've got tonight. tonight's the night. it's gonna be tonight. etc."

  • cgi brussel sprouts. a brussel sprouts dark superhero origin story. a brussel sprouts rpg and online mmo. 

  • and the award for best dystopic erotic website goes to sexybigrobotarms.com

  • and the award for best description of soup in a detective novel goes to...

  • man in full body cast topples from third story window into path of oncoming steam roller, regrets nothing

  • market a line of prank incense: one stick explodes after it's halfway spent, another smells like diarrhea. another releases a potent blend of synthetic caffeinates. tagline: "certain to harsh their mellow."

  • yma sumac invented punk rock

  • the future of beauty belongs to bald eurasians

  • man shits on self. others.

  • the cabaret is always parked outside your bedroom window

  • everyone vs everyone

  • rockstars have no right to grow old

  • death of a k-pop star brings outpouring of grief and asbestos 

  • yet another day of unquenchable binge breathing

  • a hot piping of hurrah gas renders you incapable of counting backwards while rubbing your scalp

  • the best joke hasn't been told yet

  • grow beard, move to downtown durham, gain +3 in charisma and +4 in cultural cred. launch successful indiegogo and slay dragon.

  • disgruntled geese make the best detectives 

  • what are other people if not opportunities for disappointment?

  • in the future, all podcasts shall be categorized by scent

  • somewhere, there's a banana peel with your name on it

  • never gonna lose that teenage feeling

  • the quieter the monk, the cattier the patter

  • a scottish conga player communicates with turtles in his sleep, but dresses like a chicken during the day

  • a peruvian song that sounds like a hamburger tastes

  • bose introduces a line of poise-canceling headphones. wear them and experience a huge reduction in social graces. they block out all body language and social cues.

  • mount a search and blessyou mission in your town: search out anyone who is sneezing and who hasn't recieved a 'bless you' from someone in earshot, then give them one 

  • a therapist who specializes in treating drones for anxiety: "i don't why i'm doing what i'm doing. it's as if i'm on auto-pilot." "lately i don't feel like i'm in control of my actions." 

  • there are days when your faith in humanity depends on what you had for breakfast

  • a marimba virtuoso is afraid of the dark

  • a submarine commander is convinced he is a rhinoceros

  • a pizza delivery drone in 2031 becomes addicted to mozzarella cheese

  • a woman with a falsetto so pure it turns sharks into swans

  • a russian millionaire is addicted to eating caviar out of public urinals

  • it's twenty years later and you're still paying off that kenyan condo

  • go around stenciling a "p" at the front of all "reserved parking" signs

  • the birds and the goats shall tell you when it's time to grow facial hair

  • no matter how hard you try, you can't shake the nickname "ol' colostomy eyes"

  • yma sumac saves the world with her falsetto

  • odor-emitting phones with scratch and sniff emojis

  • a housefly is convinced that shakespeare was a plagiarist

  • jesus gonna be here soon

  • your last words in your deathbed: "death, you're making me crunk"

  • transgender proud boys ftw

  • an ancient native american curse renders a man unable to comprehend emojis

  • a saxaphone solo that induces short-term memory loss

  • do something long enough and it becomes a pastiche, and you your own caricature

  • become opportunistically trans: "i'm trans-whatever-you-need-me-to-be"

  • downtown durham institutes non-binary safe spaces every 200 yards where only non-binary people may gather 

  • motivational coach to an auditorium full of corpses: "you got this!"

  • oxygen is a gateway drug

  • a roots rock band called Obama Care

  • a divorcee will explode if she thinks about gazelles

  • a camera that photographs odors

  • judgment falls like bird shit upon the sleeve

  • a man grows bored and decides to map out the location of every nocturnal emission in ohio between 1976-1982

  • early graves for the girls in prairie dresses

  • is there a rule that states all rock stars must have the same hair at 70 that they had at 30?

  • there's no rational explanation for any of this. it must be science.

  • if you cannot afford a surrealist, a court-ordered one shall be appointed to you

  • a military commander falls in love with a rastafarian mermaid

  • did you know that native americans have 37 different words for 'peanut butter'?

  • a future in which poop emojis appear above people's head when they need to use the bathroom

  • how long until robots become preoccupied with robot identity politics?

  • at heart, we're all girls from the hood

  • a young girl singlehandedly wills santa claus into existence

  • postmodern youth orchestra

  • a german housewife becomes obsessed with setting butterflies on fire

  • numbers are the best measure of self worth

  • east coast chemotherapy versus west coast chemotherapy

  • the wynton marsalis death cult jazz squad

  • never sleep with a girl name ruby or play pool against a guy named fats

  • point of fact: everyone who ever drowns has forgotten how to fly

  • ladies and gentlemen, i give you: the incel rom com, the freshest new comedy genre in decades

  • an astronaut is terrified of his own buttocks but preoccupied by the buttocks of others

  • insist on wearing hospital scrubs to all your friends' weddings

  • meryl streep plays madonna in a new biopic for lifetime tv

  • deep house karaoke vs ambient porn soundtracks

  • falling in love with a deaf percussionist three times in your life

  • change your name to garcia headblossom and sue the federal government because you aren't as wealthy as you expected to be

  • sixteen years of yoga and you're still an asshole

  • it's 5:30pm and someplace there's a vacant parking deck wherein lingers the overwhelming scent of cologne

  • everywhere you look it's brad pitt in a space helmet

  • a brooklyn rock band formed by a quintet of midgets who are also pirates of the meatpacking industry

  • the number one way to elicit tension is to introduce a sandwich in a scene and not allow the character to eat it

  • write a book for every character who appears in a book that's not about them

  • a music variety show where indie bands must perform in low gravity low oxygen environments

  • tonight we're gonna barter like it's 1999

  • roger ebert does the backstroke in heaven every day

  • there's a heron in south carolina that longs to cha cha with ya

  • set free. bound. bound. set free. bound.

  • a manned lunar mission with the sole purpose of placing pubic hair on the moon

  • there's a new kind of ghost: one that only haunts the living on social media with posts, likes, and meme shares from beyond the grave

  • life ambition: grow old and acquire a face like an old brown shoe 

  • while you're eating cheetos and getting high, civilizations are emerging and developing and burning themselves up too fast to ever find one another

  • a theme park where all the rides are made of lard

  • support group: urinal lickers anoynmous

  • falling in love with a different girl each week on the train

  • you'll spend a week in september only speaking in the manner of action balloon captions in comic books: "ronk!" "nrgggggh!" "pffffaffff!"
    "karrrpow!" "wank!"

  • a planet inhabited by single women and their cats

  • snuck up on and done drugged the american novel

  • you survive a munich nightclub bombing only to be eaten by a crocodile in australia

  • an fbi agent who can't stop himself from singing sinatra songs during interrogations

  • you will be apprehended at a nuclear power plant posing as a senior citizen

  • today is the day rock and roll is gonna save the world. can't you feel it?

  • fbi agents must carry bongos

  • "blackface brownface even if it's my race it's still politics to me"

  • dance party in a funeral home

  • a victorian novel that takes place entirely on snapchat

  • market a line of jalapeno pepper condoms. tagline: "feel the burn"

  • you were struck by lightning 38 days ago

  • your last words will be "spanish gold"

  • you'll move to la and become a blind television critic

  • in the future, every guest star and minor character gets a full episode devoted to their origin story

  • a detective show where no one leaves their room

  • you undertake a mad quixotic quest to collect every van halen bootleg in existence

  • you will alternate between bouts of furious lovemaking, unimaginable ennui, and spirited marathons of breaking wind

  • gwar plays an npr tiny desk concert

  • you'll go someplace quiet and make primitive noises

  • you will ask the clouds to remember

  • depressed social media influencers begin suicide go fund mes to raise money to off themselves. stretch goal: hiring a marketing team to make a meme out of their suicide.

  • girl meets boy boy meets girl together they hurl child after child at an unsuspecting world

  • motivational speakers with tourette's syndrome

  • only spent skin bags play itchy uptight jazz

  • an old woman can't stop dreaming of CGI spiders

  • you will decline an opportunity in order to preserve for yourself other opportunities you will not take

  • impersonal injury lawyers

  • hire a dj to remix your life: more bass added to the impact of your decisions. a different set of beats to drive the tempo of your life.

  • you'll rethink common chat acronyms:

    • lol = lactating on laptop​

    • rofl = right on, friendly lesbian

    • lamo = lemons might actually offend

    • brb = butter reconnaissance boat

    • btw = bitch trip wisely

    • yolo = you only levitate once

    • stfu = snip the final umbilical

    • tl;dr = tanya's labia; david's rectum

    • fomo = fear of messy ostriches

    • afaik = a friend always initiates kinkiness

  • all edible music tastes like licorice

  • lynched by a mob of livid particle physicists

  • you will immediately murder people who say "oh no, you're fine" at the slightest provocation

  • start a post-social media punk band called the sext pistols

  • a dating app for dead people

  • you'll learn to elevate refusal to an art form

  • granting pedestrians the right of way then running them over when they take it

  • the difference between comedy and tragedy is only a banana peel away

  • a city where no one dare pronounce the letter 's'

  • all silicon valley companies replace their conference rooms with puddle rooms

  • the three most dangerous gangs in la: the crips, the bloods, the wee willy winkies

  • a genre of porn film where the money shot always cuts to a bowl of fruit on a table

  • you get a job as pr writer for the blind knife thrower's association of america

  • you'll become a militant environmentalist and have you name legally changed to teddy sequoia

  • durham is just a poor man's brooklyn

  • emotional weather report #2: sunny with a 40% chance of loot crates

  • you go to hollywood and become the most in-demand voice-over snorer for snoring scenes the industry has ever seen 

  • "tonight is the night. we only have tonight." - every pop song ever

  • yin and yang is when a deodorant stick tumbles capless and headlong into a shit-smeared toilet 

  • new hobby: playing video games while sleeping

  • when elvis met hitler

  • rolex introduces a line of watches for manic depressives: the rolex suicide watch

  • back a kickstarter for bullet-proof shooting range targets

  • a guy with a camouflage hat and sleeveless shirt will always buy underage kids beer

  • all 5 year old girls want to be ruth bader ginsberg, they just don't know it yet

  • beards on creative class men have been cancelled

  • a bell is a cup until it is struck

  • there's nothing sadder than when the cure's robert smith tries to sing in his funky voice

  • an arrogant supermodel falls in love with the vietnam war

  • katy perry's new album is entirely cgi. every note.

  • a scientist's last thoughts are of his boyhood paper route

  • you'll form a branding company that only hires unattractive people as brand ambassadors

  • a 14th-century widow invents video games

  • all npr fund drives will feature drama in real life member accounts like "npr saved my fiancee and me from near-certain annihilation"

  • a playboy pictorial called the women of linkedin

  • you and your partner visit a sexbot sperm bank

  • internet math: 4+4= sriracha,1+1= betty white, 17/3= lone wolf t-shirt, 11+19= bacon, 4x5 = cats

  • you will eventually murder the sun with your clockwork vanities

  • every cancelled TV show becomes a made-for-netflix movie

  • if these walls could talk they'd recite trap music rhymes

  • shampoo makes you feel like sam's brother

  • you dive into a swimming pool made filled entirely with potato chips

  • urethra franklin

  • drones are being used to craft Italian footwear

  • "hot trouser jazz" is the new euphemism for spicy flatulence that heats up the inside of your pants. htj for short.

  • nyc detectives carry poetry chapbooks

  • a crowd of thousands happily sings along to songs about panic attacks

  • congress passes a bill stating all americans with mental health disorders will be legally required to own a gun, with tax incentives being created for those who acquire assault rifles

  • an aircraft carrier made entirely of bagels

  • market a hip hop breakfast drink called wu-tang

  • without warning, all photographs of you will start appearing upside down, and will vanish when you attempt to right them

  • a blind contortionist from brooklyn forms a non-jazz neo-jazz ensemble and is immediately awarded a grammy

  • a child detective decides to live outside of time and succeeds

  • in a past life you'd like to have been a shaman or a chief, but you know you were an acquisitions manager

  • a carnival cruise where all the passengers wear court-ordered ankle bracelets

  • all law enforcement must now communicate in the style of 90s nyc poetry slams

  • netflix greenlights a live action reboot of hr pufnstuf

  • susan b anthony invented the naked selfie

  • in the future, all spiders will have amniotic jazz sacs and be exceptional bebop drummers. approximately 40% of all jazz bands will have spiders for drummers by 2171.

  • spoiler alert: you will die

  • nothing quite says bathos like tuba, trombone, and banjo

  • put me in charge of town planning and you'll start to see things like nipples avenue and onanist acres

  • all corrections officers must be fluent writers of haiku

  • october 8th is indigenous sexbot's day. a little cultural sensitivity, please. they were here before us.

  • in an alternate universe, harry potter is cast with the members of radiohead at a young age playing the lead characters. a morose adolescent thom yorke shines as the titular sorcerer. the soundtrack is called ok sorcerer.

  • a homemaker pens a series of literature rewrites for dogs. first installment: beowoof

  • a photograph that alters the subject's facial features based on the cycles of the moon

  • open a deli that only sells knuckle sandwiches

  • a female park ranger falls in love with a nytimes crossword puzzle

  • a dr. luke/ryan adams collaboration album of love songs to white male privilege, called #ustoo

  • new identity category: cystqueer

  • a children's cartoon about a gynecologist dinosaur called gyno dino

  • saying "hippy nipples" aloud 10x  fast 

  • a 16th-century samurai assembles the world's first ikea table

  • today is national "have you hugged a queer houseplant day"

  • a line of fashionable men's hats steal the thoughts of the person wearing it

  • upward inflecting during your powerpoint presentation

  • a rom com that causes instant suicides in women under 25 who watch it alone at home

  • all traffic cops awake one morning fluent in blank verse

  • a film composer invents the musical equivalent of tourette syndrome and ruins the box office performance of every film he scores

  • a vending machine that dispenses human fingers

  • a german dj who only performs inside a spanish bullring

  • a scifi movie end credits sequence that instills a deep coma in those who watch it in its entirety

  • each evening at 11pm, a high school gym teacher transforms himself into a forest elf

  • a writer whose punctuation is so good it brings readers to tears

  • a candidate runs on the ""free toilet paper for every tax paying american"" platform and is elected

  • a submarine sonar operator whose nightmares inspire new fashion trends in men's underwear

  • a theater director who will burst into flames if he removes his hands from his pockets

  • a ray gun that turns its target into michael stipe

  • andy warhol makes a horror film called chelsea ghouls

  • new workplace initiative: bring your child's babysitter to work day. just the babysitter, not the child.

  • a new jersey daycare where the babies eat children

  • nature's most sycophantic animal is the flatterpus

  • a north carolina historian whose spotify playlist unlocks a new gender

  • an airbnb run by changelings

  • a unisex jacket that bestows sainthood on whoever wears it in the rain

  • a brooklyn dj successfully mates with a whale

  • a pine-scented urinal cake singlehandedly reforms a corrupt police department

  • an athletic shoe that inverts all human emotions

  • a haircut that gives its owner an unquenchable thirst for bologne

  • a car alarm that turns all those within earshot into incan princesses

  • a philadelphia synthesizer maker who destroys humanity's ability to process rhythm

  • a trance DJ set that makes children under 12 able to breathe underwater

  • a 5th grader whose blog caused the end of wwii

  • a llama who excels at corporate branding

  • your child's favorite thing to say out in public is "active shooter"

  • a dinner party where pronouns and eye contact are forbidden

  • a stereo system that refuses to play certain genres of music

  • a goldfish whose bubbles hold the secret of interspecies communication

  • a vinyl couch that owes 300 years of back taxes

  • a folding lawn chair that enables dogs to write haikus

  • a finance algorithm that turns corporate bankers into woodland pixies

  • a roadie for bon jovi who was a stunt double for bettie davis in a previous life

  • a middle-age violin maker whose daughter erases all recorded music

  • an anti-depressant whose side effect is that instills a firm belief in the existence of dragons

  • a tokyo coffee shop that successfully outlaws electric guitars on two continents

  • a cage fighting match that culminates in flowers and happy tears

  • an iphone that reverses the gender of anyone who uses it

  • an orchestral symphony for buttcrack, car alarm, and crying baby

  • a haunted house that confirms legal marriage on all unwed couples who enter

  • a leather biker jacket that cures anorexia nervousa

  • 1980s: recorded lps onto cassettes, 1990s: converted cassettes onto cd-rs, 2000s: burned cd-rs as mp3s. what's next?/please make it stop

  • an old man eats soft serve vanilla ice cream in the park three minutes before the first explosion

  • a woman who takes 1,000 years to give birth. civilizations rise and fall during her delivery.

  • a tortoise shell in indonesia that can solve any crime in new jersey between 1922-1941

  • a gender-neutral halloween costume that grants the wearer the power of telepathy between 7-9pm

  • a music festival where all the music is in braille

  • in the future, all character assassinations shall be carried out via memes. hit men capable of crafting devastating memes that no one's reputation can withstand. 

  • a four year old boy wills a sandwich into existence and then decides not to eat it

  • a cabal of wokeaf southern white supremacists whose radical ideas of personal agency advance the cause of latina feminism by decades

  • a poem that makes a rock star out of the first five people to read it 

  • a pocket watch that invents a new genre of post-organic television sitcoms

  • a automobile air freshener that imbues one with an irrepressible old world elan

  • a performance artist in akron suspects her chin is responsible for all the world's feathers

  • mcdonald's introduces a happy meal that causes instant untreatable ennui in anyone who eats it

  • a bionic nose salesman comes home to an 11th-century dance party in his living room. the vibe is pre-electric.

  • fender markets a guitar made entirely out of mucus

  • a letter from your kindergarten teacher that induces cannibalism

  • a man whose beard takes 1,000 years to grow, keeping him alive for the duration

  • a polaroid instant camera that temporarily grants you the soul of the person it previously photographed

  • a tattoo that renders its owner impervious to political rhetoric

  • a michael bay film that subliminally teaches viewers the rudiments of particle physics

  • a man who only cums when convinced he's under surveillance

  • a starsky and hutch cover band regrants hawaii its sovereignty

  • a girl whose doll collection disproves the existence of god argues with a man whose teeth prove the existence of ghosts

  • a traffic light at a busy intersection that gives fauntlerian pageboy haircuts to all those waiitng under it for longer than 3 minutes

  • an acting coach whose clients are all goldfish

  • a folk singer discovers a way to extinguish the sun

  • a man whose conscience does all his social media posting for him

  • a smartphone that learns your habits and then takes the liberty of tweeting on your behalf

  • ghoster: the social media platform that caters to the recently deceased

  • a chef invents a salad whose main ingredient is insecurity

  • a memory foam mattress capable of holding a grudge

  • a spice girls-themed dance party uncovers a portal to the 4th dimension

  • a community of sonoran landscape painters whose husbands are all sexbots

  • a rooftop party in williamsburg is menaced by the curse of an disgruntled stock trader

  • a roadhouse blues band who are deathly afraid of electricity

  • a film montage of bald men slapping watermelons in the golden sun

  • avengers: rise of the corpulent robots

  • a sea snake coins the universal sign for boredom

  • a hollywood sound engineer replaces all sitcom laughtracks with the sound of diarrhea

  • a mixologist is building a dirty bomb in her basement

  • an apothecary where personal pronouns are forbidden

  • a soprano whose high note causes birds to fall from the sky

  • a physics equation causes the demise of okinawan pop music

  • an outdoor music festival causes instant senility in all who attend

  • a child waits 47 years to open his christmas presents

  • peta now stands for people for the ethical treatment of androids

  • an engagement ring renders the wearer addicted to cheese

  • a kindergarten teacher invents a video game made out of saltines

  • a houston jazzercise teacher moonlights as a pet exorcist

  • a dictator falls into a lake filled with anorexia. nobody notices.

  • a wizard replaces twitter with quicksand and millions of people die within minutes

  • a blind woman becomes a sought-after ghostwriter for several major american poets

  • a robot grows self conscious about its lisp

  • tuesday and wednesday agree to change places, but only when it rains

  • a man uses "shark" as an adjective to describe things he likes: "that new coat looks so shark on you"

  • a film soundtrack that is the sound of people barfing

  • a writer shoots his wife in the head then moves to mexico

  • a helium blimp visits sri lanka, where it exists on 9 calories a day

  • a man grows old in the company of shamans, but still he learns nothing

  • a ramada inn toilet discovers the secret to happiness

  • a clickbait headline writer travels to jupiter in search of authenticity

  • a romcom about german biplanes called meet the fokkers

  • a russian troll bot falls in love with the drawing of a daffodil

  • a party to which only fish are invited

  • a scottish scientist invents an incredulity machine. no one believes him.

  • a disgraced 12th century nun becomes a hero to japanese video game designers

  • a device that makes all tweets property of Finland

  • a scorpion writes its memoir and realizes it regrets nothing

  • all self-styled alpha males shall wear diapers to work on casual fridays to signal unshakeable confidence in their masculinity

  • a photographer swallows a fly and witnesses the birth of christ

  • 1974: a new zealand watchmaker invents techno music by mistake

  • a man spends his life diagramming the cloud formations visible from his backyard

  • a remake of the avengers where every avenger is balding and overweight

  • a chicago priest can change into a chaise lounge at will

  • a condom that causes the wearer to be reincarnated upon orgasm

  • a remake of it's a wonderful life starring jabba the hut

  • a secret society of powerful world leaders united by their shared addiction to nutter butters

  • an avengers movie music soundtrack that is just 2 hours of fart sounds

  • a crow dreams of managing a coachella fashion show

  • a spanish exchange student charms a houseplant

  • become a snark oil salesman

  • market a line of bottled silt water called flint

  • at the other side of the galaxy, there is a pillow fight going on

  • a schoolteacher in ohio transforms herself into a large hadron collider every monday at 4am

  • the irs will speak only in ebonics

  • a secluded greek island inhabited only by fuck boys and lesbians

  • From the techbro entrepreneur cookbook: pan-seared bitcoin

  • a calculator that tallies the sum total of all your moral failings

  • an ethical scientist invents the world's first vegan ad copy

  • a carpet stain is suspected of shoplifting

  • write a ten-word one-act play titled the girl with the flotsam hair

  • an ice cream parlor that only serves ice cream to ghosts

  • a rock star spends 43 minutes apologizing for a guitar solo

  • a sunday school teacher witnesses an argument between two rocks

  • a self-aware spaceship longs to vacation in cleveland

  • an iranian tank commander can't stop discussing scones

  • a 12th-century priest becomes addicted to the idea of snapchat

  • an old man who finds himself inexplicably menaced by pronouns

  • it's 1979. a ghost makes love to a telephone book.

  • a claims adjuster disproves the existence of god

  • a nobel-winning mathematician becomes convinced that 7 must never be allowed to follow 4

  • car alarms play only bach fugues

  • a street sweeper names every single leaf he sees

  • an iconic rock band sells t-shirts to commemorate their decision not to do a reunion tour. a double live album of uninterrupted silence on an empty stage is released.

  • a psychologist whose sessions take place underwater

  • a concert promoter who cannot be dissuaded from staging an acapella Bonnaroo festival

  • a high school math textbook is made entirely out of fleas

  • a goldfish has the power to electrocute anyone who thinks about it

  • a butterfly commits adultery with a parking lot

  • a website is consumed by untraceable feelings of guilt

  • a wizard cannot stop thinking about cheese

  • a hollywood movie premiere where the swag bags are filled with earthworms

  • a quiet girl floats aimlessly above an earmuff factory, and cannot remember why

  • a podcast is hosted by croquet mallets

  • a hostess cupcake holds the key to an ancient mayan prophecy

  • all magic carpet rides lead to akron

  • a self-help blogger cannot stop eating bees

  • a popular twitter raconteur is proven to be a fern

  • a downtown train that causes those who sit across one another and make eye contact to instantly and forever fall in love

  • a vial of superglue that repairs cracked morals

  • a farmer whose crop is reliant on rod stewart's tears

  • a revolutionary poetic simile that only allows a 13 year old irish boy to use it on the page

  • a mother names each of her six children knickerbocker

  • through a series of poltical machinations, a coffee table rules all france

  • a haircut that unlocks all languages simultaneously

  • a circus elephant that  honestly just cannot even right now

  • a self-help book that turns all those who read it into well-meaning sociopaths

  • a claims adjuster who sets the home tupperware party movement back by decades with a single unguarded remark

  • a zoo where visitors converse with the animals via snapchat

  • a blind superhero whose superpower is converting spoken language into braille in real time

  • a small child is frightened by the memory of a ceiling fan

  • a public toilet in an la greyhound bus station that grants a single feces-specific wish to any who sit upon it

  • a korean astronaut grows convinced he is santa claus

  • all sexts must be written in esperanto

  • a cover band called good times that plays nothing but incidental music from 1970's sitcoms

  • a chinese porn star regains her virginity through sheer force of will

  • a haircut that plagarizes shamelessly from other haircuts in close proximity, constantly changing on the head of the one who wears it

  • all french djs become terrified of rhythm

  • a morgan freeman voice over PSA that inadvertently causes a limited thermonuclear exchange between pakistan and india

  • ​an electric guitar knits sock puppets in its spare time

  • a scientist writes a 400-page paper disproving the existence of light

  • all vampire shall qualify for low-income housing

  • a jaguar becomes a sought-after coder in silicon valley

  • astronomers discover that the universe is only 24 years old

  • a security drone becomes obsessed with 15th century poets

  • a sailboat is blown by the wind of whispers from 1,000 high school cheerleaders

  • an online video game made entirely of wood

  • a man who catches bullets with his anus complains of dandruff

  • detectives solve crimes by whistling

  • a colony of fire ants starts its own #metoo movement

  • crayons will be bionic

  • spaceships take a vow of celibacy

  • all nascar drivers find themselves unable to stop writing limericks

  • an aircraft carrier crewed solely by emojis

  • a didgeridoo made of doritos

  • an arthurian knight who champions the cause of transx latinas

  • a grammy-winning hip hop producer still proudly wets his bed

  • a brooklyn funk guitarist is offended by the letter c

  • henry kissinger and mao zedong nurtured a secret man crush

  • a soccer coach gives birth to a pencil factory

  • www.oldmenonswingsets.com becomes the world's most-visited website

  • new york will be controlled by punk rock tanning bed czars

  • a kung fu film in which all the extras in fight scenes are wearing horseheads for no stated reason

  • the fbi will communicate solely through emojis

  • a pirate ghost ship powered entirely by cracker jacks

  • a hollywood director who goes massively over budget by insisting on meticulous cgi recreations of commonplace kitchen utensils in every scene

  • hooters will relocate its franchise to north korea

  • the department of justice will communicate only through interpretive dance

  • congress will communicate only via facebook messanger

  • a tropical dictator who is really into your stepmom

  • a romantic comedy set inside a charnel house

  • romantic comedy set inside a ww2 submarine that is being depth charged

  • a ghost story/coming of age film set entirely inside an arkansas dairy queen

  • a navy destroyer is haunted by the ghost of a children's television show

  • the supreme court will issue findings only via smoke signal

  • facebook will limit messaging options to morse code

  • instagram will only be compatible with abacus

  • the pentagon will be renamed the fatty arbuckle center for domestic and international security

  • upon arrest: government-appointed cosplay designer. "you have the right to a cosplay designer. if you cannot afford a cosplay designer, one will be provided for you."

  • all open-heart surgeries will be carried out in hot-air balloons

  • unimpersonator will be a job title recognized by the department of labor. a person who consciously avoids resembling iconic people or adopting their mannerisms.

  • hate all things. love all things.

  • a fashion model slowly becomes addicted to cockroaches

  • a music journalist insists on writing only about pimento cheese

  • a subtitle track for the latest star wars movie that is nothing but ones and zeros

  • cupcakes will be made out of flesh-eating bacteria

  • all things shall be judged on their porousness

  • an internet search engine that only returns information about lions, no matter what the user searches for

  • saturday sees the emergence of a detective who solves crimes by whistling

  • all systems of influence and control will be instantly recognizable

  • clouds will be built in factories

  • a fire hydrant becomes preoccupied with identity politics

  • a pop culture rehabilitation therapist becomes convinced that scooby doo was raped

  • voting for american presidential candidates will take place on tinder

  • the drum sound in all eighties rock songs will be remastered so as not to suck

  • portly fiendish wins vermont primary, to become the first openly cannibal trans-human/android governor

  • wildlife shall become apathetic.  “the bear is just not feeling it right now,” says the tour guide apologetically 

  • people will have sex via usb ports

  • a famous opera singer insists on vomiting onstage at the end of her last number

  • a battleship made of cardboard singlehandedly defeats the chinese navy

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