no other possibility

  • a witch curses a man so that hundreds of baby spiders hatch inside his scrotum and crawl out his dickhead while he sleeps. they then crawl inside his nose, ears, and mouth where they lay a new round of eggs to repeat the process.

  • in 2022, the smithsonian opens a wing devoted to the preservation of memes

  • a horror movie where a group of teens go camping in dark secluded woods. and have a perfectly enjoyable time without incident. then, when back in town, they are menaced by a malevolent ghost when they stop for lunch at an arbys.

  • reform steely dan with no original members and with sexbots for backup dancers

  • publish a poetry journal called spatter pattern, with all poems being about crime scene analysis

  • a ghost movie where a ghost is haunted by a spirit from the after-after life. a shark attack movie where the shark spends the entire film cowering in fear from a giant orca that is stalking it.

  • considered name changes for the washington redskins:

    • the washington foreskins​

    • the washington whities

    • the washington sexbots (the team's human cheerleaders would be replaced by sexbots)

  • hauntrepreneur [noun] a non-living person who organizes and operates a business from the afterlife

  • a man awakens in an expensive swiss hotel with no memory of how he got there, and finds that his testicles have been transformed into tarantulas

  • become king of the world and decree that all rock bands must replace their bass guitars with 80's style bass synths the kind you hold like a guitar

  • in the very last episode of loony toons, elmer fudd finally catches bugs bunny and wile e. coyote finally catches the road runner. the final scene is of them being roasted on an open spit.

  • nathan fillion stars as feces detective gareth backbiter. his speciality is examining the feces of victims for vital clues. the show is called lump and episode one is called getting warmer.

  • a reboot of fat albert narrated by ice cube, where albert is the leader of an exceptionally militant black panther movement that bombs police stations

  • bowing to immense pressure from social reform groups, the military agrees to enact the following changes:

    • creation of a differently-abled elite navy seal team​

    • self-empowerment coaches embedded in all front-line battalions ("talk it out soldier, talk it out!")

  • a remake of freaky friday where richard spencer and ta-neshi coates trade bodies for a day

  • in 2022, china sends the first sexbot into space to begin construction of a decadent pleasure base on the moon's surface

  • in what is being called the worst betrayal to fans ever by a musical group, nwa has reformed to release a remix of its classic fuck the police,  renamed hug the police, with all funds going to the national police association

  • "clear my calendar," smithson barked. "i've got a mountain of youtube unboxing videos to get through."

  • kayne west and cornel west release a duet spoken-word album entitled how the west was won

  • the dotard exchange program: in which autocrats take turns guest ruling one another's country for a year. after trump wins re-election in 2020, he and kim jong-un take turns ruling north korea and usa, respectively

  • create a n.a.m.b.l.a page on linkedin and then begin endorsing your linkedin contacts from it: "...did a great job handling social coordination at the last convention, matching up the participants based on mutual interests. fantastic work!"

  • smorse code: a highly specific form of messaging exclusively about campfire snack foods

  • in the future, musicians won't write their own music anymore, but will input emojis into their laptop so the spotify a.i. can craft musical accompaniment best suited to the mix of emojis. lyrics are posted as tweets and the audience is asked to "infer the musical accompaniment" until the a.i. is done.

  • donald trump gleefully presides over a women of the white house playboy pictorial

  • a scientist invents a time machine for the sole purpose of traveling back to 1972 to watch his favorite toothpaste tv commercials

  • america's next navy warship shall be named the uss dandyflower

  • become morbidly obese and play video games all day, yet continue to insist you are a rennaissance man

  • steampunk was invented so that fat pale shut-ins could acquire multiple sex partners

  • dunkin' donuts rebrands itself as dunkin wokenuts

  • parental filter options now include the ability to remove all scenes of white hegemony from movies or tv shows

  • burningmansplaining: in which a man condescendingly explains to a woman why he has to spend $1000 to run around naked in the desert

  • burningmanspreading: in which a man adopts a wide sitting stance in public in order to accommodate a burning effigy and a writhing orgy of painted hoopers and fire twirlers

  • an alternate history in which radiohead writes all of smashmouth's big hits

  • a world in which all k pop stars are from north korea and k pop bands have names like the pyongyang boyz, lamentable dotard, and supreme leader

  • a lovecraftian rapper named lil' cthulhu who says things like "yo, shit be gettin' eldritch"

  • an aquarium made entirely out of human earlobes

  • in the future, all movies will be based on comic books, and all comic books will be based on the notebook margin scribblings of a boy named freedy turpentine

  • a government-appointed team of 14-year old boy scientists guides america through its latest crisis, solving everything with bottle rockets, testosterone, and dirt bikes. in their spare time, they also invent the world's first large hard-on collider.

  • harvey weinstein and kevin spacey form a smooth jazz/funk band called me2, while larry nasser forms his own blues band while in jail: larry nasser and the just say 'yes' to touch blues band

  • a programmer invents an ai that creates the world's funniest memes. it's launched into space on a satellite, where it continues to transmit hilarious memes down to earth long after humanity goes extinct.

  • a show about a clumsy caveman called alley oops/a movie about a looney tunes psychiatrist called elmer freud

  • the ted offensive: in which a group of ted speakers inexplicably attack vietnam

  • an alternate world in which all birds immediately attack humans on sight

  • disneyworld rides inspired by porn films: behind the green door, deep throat

  • words white people like saying aloud when they know they'll be overheard:

    • triptych​

    • holistically

    • en masse

    • problematic

    • dichotomy

    • pathos

    • scrum

    • quorum

    • value-add

    • authenticity

    • artisinal

    • diaspora

    • faux

    • ersatz

    • quintessence

  • in the future, all girls must be named tony until their 16th birthday, at which point they are allowed to adopt the female name of their choosing

  • form a band called jay and the techniques, where the joke is that none of you know how to play your instruments

  • henceforth, all written instances of "sectarian violence" shall be changed to "secretary violence"

  • men are from mars, women are from kandahar province

  • an alternate reality in which muzak actually soothes

  • a scientist invents a time-travel machine but it can only go backwards or forwards in time by 7 seconds

  • move to a city made entirely of cgi

  • in the future, half of the progressive young people in major american cities shall wear their lactose intolerance like a virtue-signalling badge of honor

  • metallica and nutella collaborate on a limited-edition dessert spread called nutallica. metallica headlines the nutella sweet monster spreads of rock summer tour. 

  • an anonymous group sex chatroom exclusively for fbi agents

  • in the future, all hit pop singles will be at least 9 minutes long.

  • hip hop yoga: downward facing dawg, yo

  • a new medical condition where a person cannot eat food until it has first been seasoned with an instagram filter

  • eggs benedict arnold: the breakfast dish that betrays you when you eat it

  • a parallel universe in which writing implement and owner bond for life. there is no such thing as an unclaimed pencil or a borrowed pen.

  • a world in which male virility is primarily determined by video game scores. doughy couch potatoes become the new alpha males.

  • in 2031, the nobel committee recognizes memes as a cultural form worthy of the nobel prize. catlady1992 becomes the first meme nobel laureate for her "trenchant cat-using-a-computer memes that explore the universality of the shared human experience in the virtual age." dozens of obscure modernist novelists commit seppuku in response.

  • alternate reality where the beatles were an all-girl group

  • choreograph an especially challenging cheerleading routine called the baton death march

  • start describing things as "an udder-tugging good time"

  • introduce a gluten-free smartphone that's made entirely out of hemp by tibetan monks

  • disney world opens a rolling stones themed ride: a roller coaster that goes through mick jagger's giant lips

  • megadixels: a unit of measurement of the resolution of a dick pic

  • in 2024 a new disease begins afflicting people: 'the lossy virus.' it causes their skin to become pixelated and their color spectrum to degrade to 8-bit depth. it's difficult to even recognize those in advanced stages of the disease, appearing as they do as a pixelated smear of primary colors. in response, instagram rolls out various anti-pixelation filters and the beauty industry markets a line of anti-pixelation creams.

  • millivanilligram: a measure of something that isn't there. just a single millivanilligram is enough to get you busted by customs for copyright infringement. or a floral delivery service where two models-cum-singers in bright spandex show up and lip sync to the hits of the day. instamillivanilligram: when you fake your own photo. milli vanilli reunion tour: "this time it's real" 

  • rock bands from the 80s and 90s begin doing reunion tours with no original members: duran durans' take the world by storm tour 2020, featuring several members of their unofficial fan club and one guy whose uncle roadied for them in the 90s

  • whole food announces a new ethnic food offering: the ebola bowl

  • start a semi-nude poetry at your local coffeehouse and begin referring to yourself as a "bethonged metaphysical poet"

  • unmasked, all four members of the blue man group bear a striking resemblance to arrested development's david cross

  • a time-traveling priest from the 22nd century travels back to the 1970s and is aghast to discover an alternate earlier version of himself who is a low-rent porn actor in scuzzy nyc porn films

  • all aging drummers of 1970s american rock bands must wear soul patches

  • in the future, all ghost writers with be a.i.

  • from now on, all british musicians are required to dress like cowboys

  • at no time will anyone ever form a jazz collective called the rudolph hess arayan preservation jazz band

  • a man spends all day dreaming up elaborate stratagems to pick his nose in public without being noticed

  • god will speak to you from the barrel of a gun

  • follow each inhabitant in your building on their way throughout the city, one a day, trailing at a discreet distance. write a poem for each of them.

  • by the year 2230, there will be a corporation named veracyst

  • every novel written in 2022 will be about mermaids on space stations

  • it's 1980 and hundreds of thin british men are writhing onstage behind synthesizers. capitalism demands it.

  • you'll suffer from an incurable compulsion to shout "it's yabba dabba doo time!" right before having sex

  • mumford and sons vs sanford and son

  • adopt a chimp and name him lord bubbles

  • it's 1597 and some dude is shredding on proto-guitar

  • you'll wake up covered in feathers and find you're a thrice-divorced divorcee living on a houseboat in miami

  • become a gypsy and curse a man to a lifetime of sneezy orgasms

  • peta now stands for people for the ethical treatment of androids

  • in 2025, a post-gendered nasa declares all previous space flights invalid because they "set a dangerously hetero-normative precedent for humankind's life among the stars." all future flights must be crewed by non-binary gendered personnel. 

  • a new literary genre about indian food called naan fiction

  • fun fact: human beings didn't reproduce between 1983-1987. instead, episodes of miami vice were solely responsible for growing the earth's population.

  • in the future, the world's best sports team will be the albermarle jimminylicks

  • if sonic youth reunites they'll need to rename themselves sonic boomer

  • caligula vs. space ghost

  • dying man's last regret: "i should have made more prank phone calls"

  • hallmark introduces a line of get-well-soon cards for bug-ridden a.i. "to my very favorite operating system, hurry up and get over that malware virus. browsing just isn't the same without you. love, your organic friend."

  • conan the breitbartarian

  • shakespeare in esperanto performed in bear suits

  • the avengers travel to an alternate timeline in which they are all plumbers

  • durham bars institute woke trivial pursuit night. the team that virtue signals the loudest wins.

  • carrboro makes it illegal for parents to assign a gender to their newborn children. doing so is classified as child abuse. 

  • 2030: california passes a law making it illegal to identify as either a man or a woman. 2031: mississippi secedes from the union to become a heteronormative binary gender utopia.

  • an all-goat rock musical called the kids are alright, with music be the ewe/a movie about a young goat who goes to hollywood to become a star called the kid stays in the picture

  • little-known fact: the incas invented disco music

  • a seafood cooking show called pimp my shrimp, an acne beautification show called pimp my pimple

  • gender-free hospitals. only non-binary persons may be employed or treated there.

  • job experience: six years as lead foreman at the "goodness, gracious!" factory

  • ghenghis khan claps back on twitter, pol pot posts a selfie on instagram

  • name your first child ctrl+alt+delete and your second child alt+tab

  • hip tech companies begin instituting a bring-your-porn-collection-to-work day once a month. the results are pretty much as one would expect.

  • in 1899, the first internet chat room moderator hung himself

  • in the future, the most successful rappers will be mimes

  • you'll fall for a stuttering pencil factory worker

  • the dummies guide to conversations with liberals: "minimalism blah blah blah authenticity blah blah blah validation blah blah blah shared experience blah blah blah switching up the narrative blah blah blah"

  • due to popular demand, meetup allows for the inclusion of suicide activity groups

  • all hollywood bro comedies must feature cgi bowel movement scenes

  • groupons are now available for the public beheading in the food court next month

  • a sitar player who moonlights as a scent detective

  • all white women in east coast cities who dabble in ukulele shall be named zoe

  • emotional weather report: cloudy with a 60% chance of anxiety and mobile apps

  • lolzheimers: the inability to remember what you were laughing about

  • you'll use the word 'defrocked' in four different conversations this week

  • a man dreams of moving to a town inhabited solely by women who look like they manage vegan blogs for a living

  • make the same prank call to the same random number on the same day once every 10 years

  • "the houston metronomes defeated the hezzbolah rockets, playing with almost unerring precision"

  • in the future, women will have breasts all over

  • you'll grow rich from starting a new meme: infants with mustaches

  • "passive listening parties" become the latest hipster thing. groups of those 'in the know' about a band assemble at someone's house, put on the latest release, and pretend not to listen or to be impressed. in-person enthusiasm is discouraged, but rhapsodic blog and instagram posts are encouraged.

  • your spacex tourist space flight turns to terror when you become stranded on a remote lunar base inhabited solely by semi-nude lacrosse instructors

  • scene in the next batman movie where bruce wayne says "computer, read from pippi longstocking, chapter 7, paragraph 3"

  • the lyrics to every rock love song ever written boil down to: "baby we've got tonight. tonight's the night. it's gonna be tonight. our only night, etc."

  • cgi brussel sprouts. a brussel sprouts dark superhero origin story. a brussel sprouts rpg and online mmo. 

  • and the award for best dystopic erotic website goes to sexybigrobotarms.com

  • and the award for best description of soup in a detective novel goes to...

  • man in full body cast topples from third story window into path of oncoming steam roller, regrets nothing

  • market a line of prank incense: one stick explodes after it's halfway spent, another smells like diarrhea. another releases a potent blend of synthetic caffeinates. tagline: "certain to harsh their mellow."

  • yma sumac invented punk rock

  • the future of beauty belongs to bald eurasians

  • man shits on self. others.

  • the cabaret is always parked outside your bedroom window

  • everyone vs everyone

  • rockstars have no right to grow old

  • death of a k-pop star brings outpouring of grief and asbestos 

  • yet another day of unquenchable binge breathing

  • a hot piping of hurrah gas renders you incapable of counting backwards while rubbing your scalp

  • the best joke hasn't been told yet

  • grow beard, move to downtown durham, gain +3 in charisma and +4 in cultural cred. launch successful indiegogo and slay dragon.

  • disgruntled geese make the best detectives 

  • what are other people if not opportunities for disappointment?

  • in the future, all podcasts shall be categorized by scent

  • somewhere, there's a banana peel with your name on it

  • never gonna lose that teenage feeling

  • the quieter the monk, the cattier the patter

  • a scottish conga player communicates with turtles in his sleep, but dresses like a chicken during the day

  • a peruvian song that sounds like a hamburger tastes

  • bose introduces a line of poise-canceling headphones. wear them and experience a huge reduction in social graces. they block out all body language and social cues.

  • mount a search and bless you mission in your town: search out anyone who is sneezing and who hasn't recieved a 'bless you' from someone in earshot, then give them one 

  • a therapist who specializes in treating drones for anxiety: "i don't why i'm doing what i'm doing. it's as if i'm on auto-pilot." "lately i don't feel like i'm in control of my actions." 

  • there are days when your faith in humanity depends on what you had for breakfast

  • a marimba virtuoso is afraid of the dark

  • a submarine commander is convinced he is a rhinoceros

  • a pizza delivery drone in 2031 becomes addicted to mozzarella cheese

  • a woman with a falsetto so pure it turns sharks into swans

  • a russian millionaire is addicted to eating caviar out of public urinals

  • it's twenty years later and you're still paying off that kenyan condo

  • go around stenciling a "p" at the front of all "reserved parking" signs

  • the birds and the goats shall tell you when it's time to grow facial hair

  • no matter how hard you try, you can't shake the nickname "ol' colostomy eyes"

  • yma sumac saves the world with her falsetto

  • odor-emitting phones with scratch and sniff emojis

  • a housefly is convinced that shakespeare was a plagiarist

  • jesus gonna be here soon

  • your last words in your deathbed: "death, you're making me crunk"

  • transgender proud boys ftw

  • an ancient native american curse renders a man unable to comprehend emojis

  • a saxaphone solo that induces short-term memory loss

  • do something long enough and it becomes a pastiche, and you your own caricature

  • become opportunistically trans: "i'm trans-whatever-you-need-me-to-be"

  • downtown durham institutes non-binary safe spaces every 200 yards where only non-binary people may gather 

  • motivational coach to an auditorium full of corpses: "you got this!"

  • oxygen is a gateway drug

  • a roots rock band called obama care

  • a divorcee will explode if she thinks about gazelles

  • a camera that photographs odors

  • judgment falls like bird shit upon the sleeve

  • a man grows bored and decides to map out the location of every nocturnal emission in ohio between 1976-1982

  • early graves for the girls in prairie dresses

  • is there a rule that states all rock stars must have the same hair at 70 that they had at 30?

  • there's no rational explanation for any of this. it must be science.

  • if you cannot afford a surrealist, a court-ordered one shall be appointed to you

  • a military commander falls in love with a rastafarian mermaid

  • did you know that native americans have 37 different words for 'peanut butter'?

  • a future in which poop emojis appear above people's head when they need to use the bathroom

  • how long until robots become preoccupied with robot identity politics?

  • at heart, we're all girls from the hood

  • a young girl singlehandedly wills santa claus into existence

  • postmodern youth orchestra

  • a german housewife becomes obsessed with setting butterflies on fire

  • numbers are the best measure of self worth

  • east coast chemotherapy versus west coast chemotherapy

  • the wynton marsalis death cult jazz squad

  • never sleep with a girl name ruby or play pool against a guy named fats

  • point of fact: everyone who ever drowns has forgotten how to fly

  • ladies and gentlemen, i give you: the incel rom com, the freshest new comedy genre in decades

  • an astronaut is terrified of his own buttocks but preoccupied by the buttocks of others

  • insist on wearing hospital scrubs to all your friends' weddings

  • meryl streep plays madonna in a new biopic for lifetime tv

  • deep house karaoke vs ambient porn soundtracks

  • falling in love with a deaf percussionist three times in your life

  • change your name to garcia headblossom and sue the federal government because you aren't as wealthy as you expected to be

  • sixteen years of yoga and you're still an asshole

  • it's 5:30pm and someplace there's a vacant parking deck wherein lingers the overwhelming scent of cologne

  • everywhere you look it's brad pitt in a space helmet

  • a brooklyn rock band formed by a quintet of midgets who are also pirates of the meatpacking industry

  • the number one way to elicit tension is to introduce a sandwich in a scene and not allow the character to eat it

  • write a book for every character who appears in a book that's not about them

  • a music variety show where indie bands must perform in low gravity low oxygen environments

  • tonight we're gonna barter like it's 1999

  • roger ebert does the backstroke in heaven every day

  • there's a heron in south carolina that longs to cha cha with ya

  • set free. bound. bound. set free. bound.

  • a manned lunar mission with the sole purpose of placing pubic hair on the moon

  • there's a new kind of ghost: one that only haunts the living on social media with posts, likes, and meme shares from beyond the grave

  • life ambition: grow old and acquire a face like an old brown shoe 

  • while you're eating cheetos and getting high, civilizations are emerging and developing and burning themselves up too fast to ever find one another

  • a theme park where all the rides are made of lard

  • support group: urinal lickers anoynmous

  • falling in love with a different girl each week on the train

  • you'll spend a week in september only speaking in the manner of action balloon captions in comic books: "ronk!" "nrgggggh!" "pffffaffff!"
    "karrrpow!" "wank!"

  • a planet inhabited by single women and their cats

  • snuck up on and done drugged the american novel

  • you survive a munich nightclub bombing only to be eaten by a crocodile in australia

  • an fbi agent who can't stop himself from singing sinatra songs during interrogations

  • you will be apprehended at a nuclear power plant posing as a senior citizen

  • today is the day rock and roll is gonna save the world. can't you feel it?

  • fbi agents must carry bongos

  • genghis khan is reincarnated as a new york dating coach for women

  • "blackface brownface even if it's my race it's still politics to me"

  • dance party in a funeral home

  • a victorian novel that takes place entirely on snapchat

  • market a line of jalapeno pepper condoms. tagline: "feel the burn"

  • you were struck by lightning 38 days ago

  • your last words will be "spanish gold"

  • you'll move to la and become a blind television critic

  • in the future, every guest star and minor character gets a full episode devoted to their origin story

  • a detective show where no one leaves their room

  • you undertake a mad quixotic quest to collect every van halen bootleg in existence

  • you will alternate between bouts of furious lovemaking, unimaginable ennui, and spirited marathons of breaking wind

  • gwar plays an npr tiny desk concert

  • you'll go someplace quiet and make primitive noises

  • you will ask the clouds to remember

  • depressed social media influencers begin suicide go fund mes to raise money to off themselves. stretch goal: hiring a marketing team to make a meme out of their suicide.

  • girl meets boy boy meets girl together they hurl child after child at an unsuspecting world

  • motivational speakers with tourette's syndrome

  • only spent skin bags play itchy uptight jazz

  • an old woman can't stop dreaming of cgi spiders

  • you will decline an opportunity in order to preserve for yourself other opportunities you will not take

  • impersonal injury lawyers

  • hire a dj to remix your life: more bass added to the impact of your decisions. a different set of beats to drive the tempo of your life.

  • you'll rethink common chat acronyms:

    • lol = lactating on laptop​

    • rofl = right on, friendly lesbian

    • lamo = lemons might actually offend

    • brb = butter reconnaissance boat

    • btw = bitch trip wisely

    • yolo = you only levitate once

    • stfu = snip the final umbilical

    • tl;dr = tanya's labia; david's rectum

    • fomo = fear of messy ostriches

    • afaik = a friend always initiates kinkiness

  • all edible music tastes like licorice

  • lynched by a mob of livid particle physicists

  • you will immediately murder people who say "oh no, you're fine" at the slightest provocation

  • start a post-social media punk band called the sext pistols

  • a dating app for dead people

  • you'll learn to elevate refusal to an art form

  • granting pedestrians the right of way then running them over when they take it

  • the difference between comedy and tragedy is only a banana peel away

  • a city where no one dare pronounce the letter 's'

  • all silicon valley companies replace their conference rooms with puddle rooms

  • the three most dangerous gangs in la: the crips, the bloods, the wee willy winkies

  • a genre of porn film where the money shot always cuts to a bowl of fruit on a table

  • you get a job as pr writer for the blind knife thrower's association of america

  • you'll become a militant environmentalist and have you name legally changed to teddy sequoia

  • durham is just a poor man's brooklyn

  • emotional weather report #2: sunny with a 40% chance of loot crates

  • you go to hollywood and become the most in-demand voice-over snorer for snoring scenes the industry has ever seen 

  • "tonight is the night. we only have tonight." - every pop song ever

  • yin and yang is when a deodorant stick tumbles capless and headlong into a shit-smeared toilet 

  • new hobby: playing video games while sleeping

  • when elvis met hitler

  • rolex introduces a line of watches for manic depressives: the rolex suicide watch

  • back a kickstarter for bullet-proof shooting range targets

  • a guy with a camouflage hat and sleeveless shirt will always buy underage kids beer

  • all 5 year old girls want to be ruth bader ginsberg, they just don't know it yet

  • beards on creative class men have been cancelled

  • a bell is a cup until it is struck

  • there's nothing sadder than when the cure's robert smith tries to sing in his funky voice

  • an arrogant supermodel falls in love with the vietnam war

  • katy perry's new album is entirely cgi. every note.

  • a scientist's last thoughts are of his boyhood paper route

  • you'll form a branding company that only hires unattractive people as brand ambassadors

  • a 14th-century widow invents video games

  • all npr fund drives will feature drama in real life member accounts like "npr saved my fiancee and me from near-certain annihilation"

  • a playboy pictorial called the women of linkedin

  • you and your partner visit a sexbot sperm bank

  • internet math: 4+4= sriracha,1+1= betty white, 17/3= lone wolf t-shirt, 11+19= bacon, 4x5 = cats

  • you will eventually murder the sun with your clockwork vanities

  • every cancelled TV show becomes a made-for-netflix movie

  • if these walls could talk they'd recite trap music rhymes

  • shampoo makes you feel like sam's brother

  • you dive into a swimming pool made filled entirely with potato chips

  • urethra franklin

  • drones are being used to craft Italian footwear

  • "hot trouser jazz" is the new euphemism for spicy flatulence that heats up the inside of your pants. htj for short.

  • nyc detectives carry poetry chapbooks

  • a crowd of thousands happily sings along to songs about panic attacks

  • congress passes a bill stating all americans with mental health disorders will be legally required to own a gun, with tax incentives being created for those who acquire assault rifles

  • an aircraft carrier made entirely of bagels

  • market a hip hop breakfast drink called wu-tang

  • without warning, all photographs of you will start appearing upside down, and will vanish when you attempt to right them

  • a blind contortionist from brooklyn forms a non-jazz neo-jazz ensemble and is immediately awarded a grammy

  • a child detective decides to live outside of time and succeeds

  • in a past life you'd like to have been a shaman or a chief, but you know you were an acquisitions manager

  • a carnival cruise where all the passengers wear court-ordered ankle bracelets

  • all law enforcement must now communicate in the style of 90s nyc poetry slams

  • netflix greenlights a live action reboot of hr pufnstuf

  • susan b anthony invented the naked selfie

  • in the future, all spiders will have amniotic jazz sacs and be exceptional bebop drummers. approximately 40% of all jazz bands will have spiders for drummers by 2171.

  • spoiler alert: you will die

  • nothing quite says bathos like tuba, trombone, and banjo

  • put me in charge of town planning and you'll start to see things like nipples avenue and onanist acres

  • all corrections officers must be fluent writers of haiku

  • october 8th is indigenous sexbot's day. a little cultural sensitivity, please. they were here before us.

  • in an alternate universe, harry potter is cast with the members of radiohead at a young age playing the lead characters. a morose adolescent thom yorke shines as the titular sorcerer. the soundtrack is called ok sorcerer.

  • a homemaker pens a series of literature rewrites for dogs. first installment: beowoof

  • a photograph that alters the subject's facial features based on the cycles of the moon

  • open a deli that only sells knuckle sandwiches

  • a female park ranger falls in love with a nytimes crossword puzzle

  • a dr. luke/ryan adams collaboration album of love songs to white male privilege, called #ustoo

  • new identity category: cystqueer

  • a children's cartoon about a gynecologist dinosaur called gyno dino

  • saying "hippy nipples" aloud 10x  fast 

  • a 16th-century samurai assembles the world's first ikea table

  • today is national "have you hugged a queer houseplant day"

  • a line of fashionable men's hats steal the thoughts of the person wearing it

  • upward inflecting during your powerpoint presentation

  • a rom com that causes instant suicides in women under 25 who watch it alone at home

  • all traffic cops awake one morning fluent in blank verse

  • a film composer invents the musical equivalent of tourette syndrome and ruins the box office performance of every film he scores

  • a vending machine that dispenses human fingers

  • a german dj who only performs inside a spanish bullring

  • a scifi movie end credits sequence that instills a deep coma in those who watch it in its entirety

  • each evening at 11pm, a high school gym teacher transforms himself into a forest elf

  • a writer whose punctuation is so good it brings readers to tears

  • a candidate runs on the ""free toilet paper for every tax paying american"" platform and is elected

  • a submarine sonar operator whose nightmares inspire new fashion trends in men's underwear

  • a theater director who will burst into flames if he removes his hands from his pockets

  • a ray gun that turns its target into michael stipe

  • andy warhol makes a horror film called chelsea ghouls

  • new workplace initiative: bring your child's babysitter to work day. just the babysitter, not the child.

  • a new jersey daycare where the babies eat children

  • nature's most sycophantic animal is the flatterpus

  • a north carolina historian whose spotify playlist unlocks a new gender

  • an airbnb run by changelings

  • a unisex jacket that bestows sainthood on whoever wears it in the rain

  • a brooklyn dj successfully mates with a whale

  • a pine-scented urinal cake singlehandedly reforms a corrupt police department

  • an athletic shoe that inverts all human emotions

  • a haircut that gives its owner an unquenchable thirst for bologne

  • a car alarm that turns all those within earshot into incan princesses

  • a philadelphia synthesizer maker who destroys humanity's ability to process rhythm

  • a trance DJ set that makes children under 12 able to breathe underwater

  • a 5th grader whose blog caused the end of wwii

  • a llama who excels at corporate branding

  • your child's favorite thing to say out in public is "active shooter"

  • a dinner party where pronouns and eye contact are forbidden

  • a stereo system that refuses to play certain genres of music

  • a goldfish whose bubbles hold the secret of interspecies communication

  • a vinyl couch that owes 300 years of back taxes

  • a folding lawn chair that enables dogs to write haikus

  • a finance algorithm that turns corporate bankers into woodland pixies

  • a roadie for bon jovi who was a stunt double for bettie davis in a previous life

  • a middle-age violin maker whose daughter erases all recorded music

  • an anti-depressant whose side effect is that instills a firm belief in the existence of dragons

  • a tokyo coffee shop that successfully outlaws electric guitars on two continents

  • a cage fighting match that culminates in flowers and happy tears

  • an iphone that reverses the gender of anyone who uses it

  • an orchestral symphony for buttcrack, car alarm, and crying baby

  • a haunted house that confirms legal marriage on all unwed couples who enter

  • a leather biker jacket that cures anorexia nervousa

  • 1980s: recorded lps onto cassettes, 1990s: converted cassettes onto cd-rs, 2000s: burned cd-rs as mp3s. what's next?/please make it stop

  • an old man eats soft serve vanilla ice cream in the park three minutes before the first explosion

  • a woman who takes 1,000 years to give birth. civilizations rise and fall during her delivery.

  • a tortoise shell in indonesia that can solve any crime in new jersey between 1922-1941

  • a gender-neutral halloween costume that grants the wearer the power of telepathy between 7-9pm

  • a music festival where all the music is in braille

  • in the future, all character assassinations shall be carried out via memes. hit men capable of crafting devastating memes that no one's reputation can withstand. 

  • a four year old boy wills a sandwich into existence and then decides not to eat it

  • a cabal of wokeaf southern white supremacists whose radical ideas of personal agency advance the cause of latina feminism by decades

  • a poem that makes a rock star out of the first five people to read it 

  • a pocket watch that invents a new genre of post-organic television sitcoms

  • a automobile air freshener that imbues one with an irrepressible old world elan

  • a performance artist in akron suspects her chin is responsible for all the world's feathers

  • mcdonald's introduces a happy meal that causes instant untreatable ennui in anyone who eats it

  • a bionic nose salesman comes home to an 11th-century dance party in his living room. the vibe is pre-electric.

  • fender markets a guitar made entirely out of mucus

  • a letter from your kindergarten teacher that induces cannibalism

  • a man whose beard takes 1,000 years to grow, keeping him alive for the duration

  • a polaroid instant camera that temporarily grants you the soul of the person it previously photographed

  • a tattoo that renders its owner impervious to political rhetoric

  • a michael bay film that subliminally teaches viewers the rudiments of particle physics

  • a man who only cums when convinced he's under surveillance

  • a starsky and hutch cover band regrants hawaii its sovereignty

  • a girl whose doll collection disproves the existence of god argues with a man whose teeth prove the existence of ghosts

  • a traffic light at a busy intersection that gives fauntlerian pageboy haircuts to all those waiitng under it for longer than 3 minutes

  • an acting coach whose clients are all goldfish

  • a folk singer discovers a way to extinguish the sun

  • a man whose conscience does all his social media posting for him

  • a smartphone that learns your habits and then takes the liberty of tweeting on your behalf

  • ghoster: the social media platform that caters to the recently deceased

  • a chef invents a salad whose main ingredient is insecurity

  • a memory foam mattress capable of holding a grudge

  • a spice girls-themed dance party uncovers a portal to the 4th dimension

  • a community of sonoran landscape painters whose husbands are all sexbots

  • a rooftop party in williamsburg is menaced by the curse of an disgruntled stock trader

  • a roadhouse blues band who are deathly afraid of electricity

  • a film montage of bald men slapping watermelons in the golden sun

  • avengers: rise of the corpulent robots

  • a sea snake coins the universal sign for boredom

  • a hollywood sound engineer replaces all sitcom laughtracks with the sound of diarrhea

  • a mixologist is building a dirty bomb in her basement

  • an apothecary where personal pronouns are forbidden

  • a soprano whose high note causes birds to fall from the sky

  • a physics equation causes the demise of okinawan pop music

  • an outdoor music festival causes instant senility in all who attend

  • a child waits 47 years to open his christmas presents

  • peta now stands for people for the ethical treatment of androids

  • an engagement ring renders the wearer addicted to cheese

  • a kindergarten teacher invents a video game made out of saltines

  • a houston jazzercise teacher moonlights as a pet exorcist

  • a dictator falls into a lake filled with anorexia. nobody notices.

  • a wizard replaces twitter with quicksand and millions of people die within minutes

  • a blind woman becomes a sought-after ghostwriter for several major american poets

  • a robot grows self conscious about its lisp

  • tuesday and wednesday agree to change places, but only when it rains

  • a man uses "shark" as an adjective to describe things he likes: "that new coat looks so shark on you"

  • a film soundtrack that is the sound of people barfing

  • a writer shoots his wife in the head then moves to mexico

  • a helium blimp visits sri lanka, where it exists on 9 calories a day

  • a man grows old in the company of shamans, but still he learns nothing

  • a ramada inn toilet discovers the secret to happiness

  • a clickbait headline writer travels to jupiter in search of authenticity

  • a romcom about german biplanes called meet the fokkers

  • a russian troll bot falls in love with the drawing of a daffodil

  • a party to which only fish are invited

  • a scottish scientist invents an incredulity machine. no one believes him.

  • a disgraced 12th century nun becomes a hero to japanese video game designers

  • a device that makes all tweets property of Finland

  • a scorpion writes its memoir and realizes it regrets nothing

  • all self-styled alpha males shall wear diapers to work on casual fridays to signal unshakeable confidence in their masculinity

  • a photographer swallows a fly and witnesses the birth of christ

  • 1974: a new zealand watchmaker invents techno music by mistake

  • a man spends his life diagramming the cloud formations visible from his backyard

  • a remake of the avengers where every avenger is balding and overweight

  • a chicago priest can change into a chaise lounge at will

  • a condom that causes the wearer to be reincarnated upon orgasm

  • a remake of it's a wonderful life starring jabba the hut

  • a secret society of powerful world leaders united by their shared addiction to nutter butters

  • an avengers movie music soundtrack that is just 2 hours of fart sounds

  • a crow dreams of managing a coachella fashion show

  • a spanish exchange student charms a houseplant

  • become a snark oil salesman

  • market a line of bottled silt water called flint

  • at the other side of the galaxy, there is a pillow fight going on

  • a schoolteacher in ohio transforms herself into a large hadron collider every monday at 4am

  • the irs will speak only in ebonics

  • a secluded greek island inhabited only by fuck boys and lesbians

  • From the techbro entrepreneur cookbook: pan-seared bitcoin

  • a calculator that tallies the sum total of all your moral failings

  • an ethical scientist invents the world's first vegan ad copy

  • a carpet stain is suspected of shoplifting

  • write a ten-word one-act play titled the girl with the flotsam hair

  • an ice cream parlor that only serves ice cream to ghosts

  • a rock star spends 43 minutes apologizing for a guitar solo

  • a sunday school teacher witnesses an argument between two rocks

  • a self-aware spaceship longs to vacation in cleveland

  • an iranian tank commander can't stop discussing scones

  • a 12th-century priest becomes addicted to the idea of snapchat

  • an old man who finds himself inexplicably menaced by pronouns

  • it's 1979. a ghost makes love to a telephone book.

  • a claims adjuster disproves the existence of god

  • a nobel-winning mathematician becomes convinced that 7 must never be allowed to follow 4

  • car alarms play only bach fugues

  • a street sweeper names every single leaf he sees

  • an iconic rock band sells t-shirts to commemorate their decision not to do a reunion tour. a double live album of uninterrupted silence on an empty stage is released.

  • a psychologist whose sessions take place underwater

  • a concert promoter who cannot be dissuaded from staging an acapella Bonnaroo festival

  • a high school math textbook is made entirely out of fleas

  • a goldfish has the power to electrocute anyone who thinks about it

  • a butterfly commits adultery with a parking lot

  • a website is consumed by untraceable feelings of guilt

  • a wizard cannot stop thinking about cheese

  • a hollywood movie premiere where the swag bags are filled with earthworms

  • a quiet girl floats aimlessly above an earmuff factory, and cannot remember why

  • a podcast is hosted by croquet mallets

  • a hostess cupcake holds the key to an ancient mayan prophecy

  • all magic carpet rides lead to akron

  • a self-help blogger cannot stop eating bees

  • a popular twitter raconteur is proven to be a fern

  • a downtown train that causes those who sit across one another and make eye contact to instantly and forever fall in love

  • a vial of superglue that repairs cracked morals

  • a farmer whose crop is reliant on rod stewart's tears

  • a revolutionary poetic simile that only allows a 13 year old irish boy to use it on the page

  • a mother names each of her six children knickerbocker

  • through a series of poltical machinations, a coffee table rules all france

  • a haircut that unlocks all languages simultaneously

  • a circus elephant that  honestly just cannot even right now

  • a self-help book that turns all those who read it into well-meaning sociopaths

  • a claims adjuster who sets the home tupperware party movement back by decades with a single unguarded remark

  • a zoo where visitors converse with the animals via snapchat

  • a blind superhero whose superpower is converting spoken language into braille in real time

  • a small child is frightened by the memory of a ceiling fan

  • a public toilet in an la greyhound bus station that grants a single feces-specific wish to any who sit upon it

  • a korean astronaut grows convinced he is santa claus

  • all sexts must be written in esperanto

  • a cover band called good times that plays nothing but incidental music from 1970's sitcoms

  • a chinese porn star regains her virginity through sheer force of will

  • a haircut that plagarizes shamelessly from other haircuts in close proximity, constantly changing on the head of the one who wears it

  • all french djs become terrified of rhythm

  • a morgan freeman voice over PSA that inadvertently causes a limited thermonuclear exchange between pakistan and india

  • ​an electric guitar knits sock puppets in its spare time

  • a scientist writes a 400-page paper disproving the existence of light

  • all vampire shall qualify for low-income housing

  • a jaguar becomes a sought-after coder in silicon valley

  • astronomers discover that the universe is only 24 years old

  • a security drone becomes obsessed with 15th century poets

  • a sailboat is blown by the wind of whispers from 1,000 high school cheerleaders

  • an online video game made entirely of wood

  • a man who catches bullets with his anus complains of dandruff

  • detectives solve crimes by whistling

  • a colony of fire ants starts its own #metoo movement

  • crayons will be bionic

  • spaceships take a vow of celibacy

  • all nascar drivers find themselves unable to stop writing limericks

  • an aircraft carrier crewed solely by emojis

  • a didgeridoo made of doritos

  • an arthurian knight who champions the cause of transx latinas

  • a grammy-winning hip hop producer still proudly wets his bed

  • a brooklyn funk guitarist is offended by the letter c

  • henry kissinger and mao zedong nurtured a secret man crush

  • a soccer coach gives birth to a pencil factory

  • www.oldmenonswingsets.com becomes the world's most-visited website

  • new york will be controlled by punk rock tanning bed czars

  • a kung fu film in which all the extras in fight scenes are wearing horseheads for no stated reason

  • the fbi will communicate solely through emojis

  • a pirate ghost ship powered entirely by cracker jacks

  • a hollywood director who goes massively over budget by insisting on meticulous cgi recreations of commonplace kitchen utensils in every scene

  • hooters will relocate its franchise to north korea

  • the department of justice will communicate only through interpretive dance

  • congress will communicate only via facebook messanger

  • a tropical dictator who is really into your stepmom

  • a romantic comedy set inside a charnel house

  • romantic comedy set inside a ww2 submarine that is being depth charged

  • a ghost story/coming of age film set entirely inside an arkansas dairy queen

  • a navy destroyer is haunted by the ghost of a children's television show

  • the supreme court will issue findings only via smoke signal

  • facebook will limit messaging options to morse code

  • instagram will only be compatible with abacus

  • the pentagon will be renamed the fatty arbuckle center for domestic and international security

  • upon arrest: government-appointed cosplay designer. "you have the right to a cosplay designer. if you cannot afford a cosplay designer, one will be provided for you."

  • all open-heart surgeries will be carried out in hot-air balloons

  • unimpersonator will be a job title recognized by the department of labor. a person who consciously avoids resembling iconic people or adopting their mannerisms.

  • hate all things. love all things.

  • a fashion model slowly becomes addicted to cockroaches

  • a music journalist insists on writing only about pimento cheese

  • a subtitle track for the latest star wars movie that is nothing but ones and zeros

  • cupcakes will be made out of flesh-eating bacteria

  • all things shall be judged on their porousness

  • an internet search engine that only returns information about lions, no matter what the user searches for

  • saturday sees the emergence of a detective who solves crimes by whistling

  • all systems of influence and control will be instantly recognizable

  • clouds will be built in factories

  • a fire hydrant becomes preoccupied with identity politics

  • a pop culture rehabilitation therapist becomes convinced that scooby doo was raped

  • voting for american presidential candidates will take place on tinder

  • the drum sound in all eighties rock songs will be remastered so as not to suck

  • portly fiendish wins vermont primary, to become the first openly cannibal trans-human/android governor

  • wildlife shall become apathetic.  “the bear is just not feeling it right now,” says the tour guide apologetically 

  • people will have sex via usb ports

  • a famous opera singer insists on vomiting onstage at the end of her last number

  • a battleship made of cardboard singlehandedly defeats the chinese navy

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