the next star wars movie shall be cast solely with star trek actors for maximum cultural dissonance. william shatner as han solo, chris pine as luke skywalker. and in the next star trek movie, the enterprise travels through a worm hole to end up in the star wars universe. spock marries princess leia. kirk becomes a jedi. a class action lawsuit is filed by thousands of sci-fi fans, citing "irreparable brand damage and psychological distress."

quit your job, abandon your family, give all your money to charity, and move to that sunken amusement park on the edge of town 

record an album of solo cello instrumentals called breaking and entering where is song is recorded in a different house you have broken into. then release another called breaking wind where you fart audibly during each performance.

surprising science fact #1: ghosts are responsible for 73% of all prank calls

become a dj with unnecessarily polarizing names:

• dj white privilege

• dj hooters

• dj frakking

• dj september 11th

• dj fake news

• dj t&a

• dj take a knee

• dj cancelled

• dj male gaze

• dj college admission scandal

• dj microagression

• dj incel

• dj pizzagate

• dj covfefe

• dj sweatshop

• dj snuff flick

• dj traditionalist

• dj wikileaks

• dj hegemony

• dj historical revisionism

• dj self esteem

• dj boogaloo

• dj bioterrorist

• dj date rape

progressive insurance co-sponsors the next mission impossible movie with the stipulation that the spunky progressive insurance lady appears onscreen for no less than 10 minutes, leading to a wholly out of place, unbearably long scene where tom cruise's character shops for life insurance in a progressive office

ralph lauren markets a line of cologne that smells like salami club sandwiches. the ralph lauren deli collection, for "the man who doesn't give a good goddamn"

a law is passed that states all tomboyish unmarried women over 35 who own a horse stable must be named b.j.

host a tv watching party of the popular sitcom friends, with the only catch being that you alternate between watching one episode at .75x speed and the next episode at 1.25x speed

white frigidity (noun): the inability of white people to become aroused when discussing systemic racism

we've had bird box and a quiet place. next, we need a sci-fi film where unseen forces menace you via your sense of smell. the main characters will all walk around with clothespins pinned to their nose.

spend two weeks talking in nothing but comic book action sounds: "twack! paff! pow!"

an increasingly senile george lucas becomes more lax about who he grants licenses to for star wars spinoffs. he grants a high-end l.a. porn studio the rights to produce a series of erotic thrillers set in the star wars universe:

• star wars: the phantom seduction

• rise of the sexy jedi

• new characters include jabba the slut, yoni, princess good layahhh, han threesome, and luke skyrimmer

start referring to yourself as "the carpathian cowboy" and watch the world react accordingly

surprising science fact #2: sniffing glue is the only scientifically proven way to time travel. scientists are working to discover a healthier alternative. 

prince and the industrial revolution. music is exactly the same but all lyrics are historical descriptions of the industrial revolution. 

a reboot of gilligan's island where they run aground on the isle of sappho, and encounter lesbian warrior poets.

daisy bell sez: "music sounds best coming out of $5 speakers half a block away"

become a twitter therapist and conduct all your sessions via tweets. offer clients nothing but uncharitable judgement. attempt to culturally cancel your more difficult patients. slogan: "the new face of tough love." the atlantic writes an article in favor of it: "i was cancelled by my woke twitter therapist. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. being judged so bluntly and with such raw honesty felt oddly liberating. when she finally cancelled me, i felt as if i'd been reborn." being cancelled by your twitter therapist becomes the 21st century equivalent of being born again. privileged liberals embrace the opportunity to be canceled by young woke twitter therapists: "i have my own in-home swedish yoga instructor and vietnamese chef, but am still always unhappy. please cancel me." being canceled by your twitter therapist becomes another way to virtue signal.

npr launches the ill-advised "tiny dick concerts" series. male performers get measured in erect and flaccid states in order to qualify. much to their shame, both van halen and they might be giants qualify to perform. surprisingly, tiny tim does not. npr then follows this up with the "all cracks considered" line of npr thongs that they give away during fund drives. it is not a success.

america's neighborhoods each receive their own government-issue clown. care and feeding and general upkeep are the responsibility of the parent neighborhood. there are clown contests to see which neighborhood can produce the most entertaining, best looking clown. it becomes a source of civic pride to place your clown in the finals.

surprising science fact #3: lighting comes from the future. it is the future's way of correcting the mistakes of the past.

easter egg island. a remote island where all the hidden goodies in video games and dvds can be found.

become a restaurant critic and start describing dishes you dislike as being "kafkaesque"

note to self: "arrrrrrrrgggghhhhay!!"/note to self: "hai sai oji-san. ayonga!"/note to self:  "aiiiiiiiieeeeee!"/note to self: "jesus fuck sweet mother of christ nggggggh"

become a signer on tv for deaf viewers and every once in awhile throw in a blow job motion among the legitimate signing just for fun

apple invents a wristwatch that takes the ideological temperature of your immediate surroundings and displays a color indicating how conservative or progressive your surrounding are

progressive companies institute a policy of bringing one's "authentic self" to work, and encourage the sharing of personal details on conference calls. "all of you is welcome here." companies end up creating positions like vp of uncomfortable conversations and vp of oversharing once employees attain a certain level of candor:

• "in the interest of honesty, i tried unsuccessfully to bring myself to orgasm in the shower this morning, and wept the entire time."

• "i know we're all eager to discuss the Q4 returns, but first, i have to say, i've come to loathe the touch of my husband's penis."

• "just to put this out there, i've installed tracking software on sheila's phone in the hopes of watching her take a dump. ok, so onto this season's predicted earnings..."

• "hey guys, so i photo copied my ass yesterday in the staff room and can totes share copies with anyone. just im me."

• "what i miss most about working in the office is observing the defecation habits of my male colleagues. guys, fill me in, what am i missing?"

• "here's the breakdown of this fall's marketing strategy. oh, did i mention i don't respect children or dogs?"

• "before we dive into system solutioning, i'd like to share that i keep a hidden drive on my work laptop with the very best elephant porn. thank you for your acceptance." 

• "i'm muting my camera and mic because i'm shame eating in my car during this call. just wanted to share."

• "in the interest of redressing this country's wrongs, i'm giving all my land back to north carolina's indigenous people. does anyone have a couch i can crash on for a few months?"

a screen that shits history into your eyesockets

npr debuts its new saturday morning quiz show next month: wait, wait, don't cancel me!

surprising science fact #4: ostriches are responsible for 11% of the world's graphic adventure novels

a remake of loony toones where tweety bird is a twitter addict

in 2023, all girl scout troupes will be populated solely with incan princesses

more and more cities are banning public displays of confederate affection

a horror movie about a malevolent meme that terrorizes a small mountain community

a 5-minute montage of telemundo tv scenes showing aristocratic mexican women slapping their maids across the face

a veteran, highly respected cargo ship captain whose contract states he will only transport tickle me elmo dolls across the atlantic

an abstract interview show called immersion, in which famous actors appear in groups of two and stare fixedly down at the floor to their left at something off camera. nothing is said and each scene lasts for 6 1/2 minutes. david lynch is the show's biggest fan. brad pitt and kristen stewart are the first guests.

surprising science fact #5: the surface of mars is coated in a thin layer of cheeto dust, which accounts for its rich cheesy color. 

a shark fishing-themed porno called chum guzzlers

a witch curses a man so that hundreds of baby spiders hatch inside his scrotum and crawl out his dickhead while he sleeps. they then crawl inside his nose, ears, and mouth where they lay a new round of eggs to repeat the process.

in 2022, the smithsonian opens a wing devoted to the preservation of memes

a horror movie where a group of teens go camping in dark secluded woods. and have a perfectly enjoyable time without incident. then, when back in town, they are menaced by a malevolent ghost when they stop for lunch at an arbys.

reform steely dan with no original members and with sexbots for backup dancers

publish a poetry journal called spatter pattern, with all poems being about crime scene analysis

a ghost movie where a ghost is haunted by a spirit from the after-after life. a shark attack movie where the shark spends the entire film cowering in fear from a giant orca that is stalking it.

considered name changes for the washington redskins:

• the washington foreskins​

• the washington whities

• the washington sexbots (the team's human cheerleaders would be replaced by sexbots)

hauntrepreneur [noun] a non-living person who organizes and operates a business from the afterlife

a man awakens in an expensive swiss hotel with no memory of how he got there, and finds that his testicles have been transformed into tarantulas

become king of the world and decree that all rock bands must replace their bass guitars with 80's style bass synths the kind you hold like a guitar

in the very last episode of loony toons, elmer fudd finally catches bugs bunny and wile e. coyote finally catches the road runner. the final scene is of them being roasted on an open spit.

nathan fillion stars as feces detective gareth backbiter. his speciality is examining the feces of victims for vital clues. the show is called lump and episode one is called getting warmer.

a reboot of fat albert narrated by ice cube, where albert is the leader of an exceptionally militant black panther movement that bombs police stations

bowing to immense pressure from social reform groups, the military agrees to enact the following changes:

• creation of a differently-abled elite navy seal team​

• self-empowerment coaches embedded in all front-line battalions ("talk it out soldier, talk it out!")

a remake of freaky friday where richard spencer and ta-neshi coates trade bodies for a day

in 2022, china sends the first sexbot into space to begin construction of a decadent pleasure base on the moon's surface

in what is being called the worst betrayal to fans ever by a musical group, nwa has reformed to release a remix of its classic fuck the police,  renamed hug the police, with all funds going to the national police association

"clear my calendar," smithson barked. "i've got a mountain of youtube unboxing videos to get through."

kayne west and cornel west release a duet spoken-word album entitled how the west was won

the dotard exchange program: in which autocrats take turns guest ruling one another's country for a year. after trump wins re-election in 2020, he and kim jong-un take turns ruling north korea and usa, respectively

create a n.a.m.b.l.a page on linkedin and then begin endorsing your linkedin contacts from it: "...did a great job handling social coordination at the last convention, matching up the participants based on mutual interests. fantastic work!"

smorse code: a highly specific form of messaging exclusively about campfire snack foods

in the future, musicians won't write their own music anymore, but will input emojis into their laptop so the spotify a.i. can craft musical accompaniment best suited to the mix of emojis. lyrics are posted as tweets and the audience is asked to "infer the musical accompaniment" until the a.i. is done.

donald trump gleefully presides over a women of the white house playboy pictorial

a scientist invents a time machine for the sole purpose of traveling back to 1972 to watch his favorite toothpaste tv commercials

america's next navy warship shall be named the uss dandyflower

become morbidly obese and play video games all day, yet continue to insist you are a rennaissance man

steampunk was invented so that fat pale shut-ins could acquire multiple sex partners

dunkin' donuts rebrands itself as dunkin wokenuts

parental filter options now include the ability to remove all scenes of white hegemony from movies or tv shows

burningmansplaining: in which a man condescendingly explains to a woman why he has to spend $1000 to run around naked in the desert

burningmanspreading: in which a man adopts a wide sitting stance in public in order to accommodate a burning effigy and a writhing orgy of painted hoopers and fire twirlers

an alternate history in which radiohead writes all of smashmouth's big hits

a world in which all k pop stars are from north korea and k pop bands have names like the pyongyang boyz, lamentable dotard, and supreme leader

a lovecraftian rapper named lil' cthulhu who says things like "yo, shit be gettin' eldritch"

an aquarium made entirely out of human earlobes

in the future, all movies will be based on comic books, and all comic books will be based on the notebook margin scribblings of a boy named freedy turpentine

a government-appointed team of 14-year old boy scientists guides america through its latest crisis, solving everything with bottle rockets, testosterone, and dirt bikes. in their spare time, they also invent the world's first large hard-on collider.

harvey weinstein and kevin spacey form a smooth jazz/funk band called me2, while larry nasser forms his own blues band while in jail: larry nasser and the just say 'yes' to touch blues band

a programmer invents an ai that creates the world's funniest memes. it's launched into space on a satellite, where it continues to transmit hilarious memes down to earth long after humanity goes extinct.

a show about a clumsy caveman called alley oops/a movie about a looney tunes psychiatrist called elmer freud

the ted offensive: in which a group of ted speakers inexplicably attack vietnam

an alternate world in which all birds immediately attack humans on sight

disneyworld rides inspired by porn films: behind the green door, deep throat

words white people like saying aloud when they know they'll be overheard:

• triptych​

• holistically

• en masse

• problematic

• dichotomy

• pathos

• scrum

• quorum

• value-add

• authenticity

• artisinal

• diaspora

• faux

• ersatz

• quintessence

in the future, all girls must be named tony until their 16th birthday, at which point they are allowed to adopt the female name of their choosing

form a band called jay and the techniques, where the joke is that none of you know how to play your instruments

henceforth, all written instances of "sectarian violence" shall be changed to "secretary violence"

men are from mars, women are from kandahar province

an alternate reality in which muzak actually soothes

a scientist invents a time-travel machine but it can only go backwards or forwards in time by 7 seconds

move to a city made entirely of cgi

in the future, half of the progressive young people in major american cities shall wear their lactose intolerance like a virtue-signalling badge of honor

metallica and nutella collaborate on a limited-edition dessert spread called nutallica. metallica headlines the nutella sweet monster spreads of rock summer tour. 

an anonymous group sex chatroom exclusively for fbi agents

in the future, all hit pop singles will be at least 9 minutes long.

hip hop yoga: downward facing dawg, yo

a new medical condition where a person cannot eat food until it has first been seasoned with an instagram filter

eggs benedict arnold: the breakfast dish that betrays you when you eat it

a parallel universe in which writing implement and owner bond for life. there is no such thing as an unclaimed pencil or a borrowed pen.

a world in which male virility is primarily determined by video game scores. doughy couch potatoes become the new alpha males.

in 2031, the nobel committee recognizes memes as a cultural form worthy of the nobel prize. catlady1992 becomes the first meme nobel laureate for her "trenchant cat-using-a-computer memes that explore the universality of the shared human experience in the virtual age." dozens of obscure modernist novelists commit seppuku in response.

alternate reality where the beatles were an all-girl group

choreograph an especially challenging cheerleading routine called the baton death march

start describing things as "an udder-tugging good time"

introduce a gluten-free smartphone that's made entirely out of hemp by tibetan monks

disney world opens a rolling stones themed ride: a roller coaster that goes through mick jagger's giant lips

megadixels: a unit of measurement of the resolution of a dick pic

in 2024 a new disease begins afflicting people: 'the lossy virus.' it causes their skin to become pixelated and their color spectrum to degrade to 8-bit depth. it's difficult to even recognize those in advanced stages of the disease, appearing as they do as a pixelated smear of primary colors. in response, instagram rolls out various anti-pixelation filters and the beauty industry markets a line of anti-pixelation creams.

millivanilligram: a measure of something that isn't there. just a single millivanilligram is enough to get you busted by customs for copyright infringement. or a floral delivery service where two models-cum-singers in bright spandex show up and lip sync to the hits of the day. instamillivanilligram: when you fake your own photo. milli vanilli reunion tour: "this time it's real" 

rock bands from the 80s and 90s begin doing reunion tours with no original members: duran durans' take the world by storm tour 2020, featuring several members of their unofficial fan club and one guy whose uncle roadied for them in the 90s

whole food announces a new ethnic food offering: the ebola bowl

start a semi-nude poetry at your local coffeehouse and begin referring to yourself as a "bethonged metaphysical poet"

unmasked, all four members of the blue man group bear a striking resemblance to arrested development's david cross

a time-traveling priest from the 22nd century travels back to the 1970s and is aghast to discover an alternate earlier version of himself who is a low-rent porn actor in scuzzy nyc porn films

all aging drummers of 1970s american rock bands must wear soul patches

in the future, all ghost writers with be a.i.

from now on, all british musicians are required to dress like cowboys

at no time will anyone ever form a jazz collective called the rudolph hess arayan preservation jazz band

a man spends all day dreaming up elaborate stratagems to pick his nose in public without being noticed

god will speak to you from the barrel of a gun

follow each inhabitant in your building on their way throughout the city, one a day, trailing at a discreet distance. write a poem for each of them.

by the year 2230, there will be a corporation named veracyst

every novel written in 2022 will be about mermaids on space stations

it's 1980 and hundreds of thin british men are writhing onstage behind synthesizers. capitalism demands it.

you'll suffer from an incurable compulsion to shout "it's yabba dabba doo time!" right before having sex

mumford and sons vs sanford and son

adopt a chimp and name him lord bubbles

it's 1597 and some dude is shredding on proto-guitar

you'll wake up covered in feathers and find you're a thrice-divorced divorcee living on a houseboat in miami

become a gypsy and curse a man to a lifetime of sneezy orgasms

peta now stands for people for the ethical treatment of androids

in 2025, a post-gendered nasa declares all previous space flights invalid because they "set a dangerously hetero-normative precedent for humankind's life among the stars." all future flights must be crewed by non-binary gendered personnel. 

a new literary genre about indian food called naan fiction

fun fact: human beings didn't reproduce between 1983-1987. instead, episodes of miami vice were solely responsible for growing the earth's population.

in the future, the world's best sports team will be the albermarle jimminylicks

if sonic youth reunites they'll need to rename themselves sonic boomer

caligula vs. space ghost

dying man's last regret: "i should have made more prank phone calls"

hallmark introduces a line of get-well-soon cards for bug-ridden a.i. "to my very favorite operating system, hurry up and get over that malware virus. browsing just isn't the same without you. love, your organic friend."

conan the breitbartarian

shakespeare in esperanto performed in bear suits

the avengers travel to an alternate timeline in which they are all plumbers

durham bars institute woke trivial pursuit night. the team that virtue signals the loudest wins.

carrboro makes it illegal for parents to assign a gender to their newborn children. doing so is classified as child abuse. 

2030: california passes a law making it illegal to identify as either a man or a woman. 2031: mississippi secedes from the union to become a heteronormative binary gender utopia.

an all-goat rock musical called the kids are alright, with music be the ewe/a movie about a young goat who goes to hollywood to become a star called the kid stays in the picture

little-known fact: the incas invented disco music

a seafood cooking show called pimp my shrimp, an acne beautification show called pimp my pimple

gender-free hospitals. only non-binary persons may be employed or treated there.

job experience: six years as lead foreman at the "goodness, gracious!" factory

ghenghis khan claps back on twitter, pol pot posts a selfie on instagram

name your first child ctrl+alt+delete and your second child alt+tab

hip tech companies begin instituting a bring-your-porn-collection-to-work day once a month. the results are pretty much as one would expect.

in 1899, the first internet chat room moderator hung himself

in the future, the most successful rappers will be mimes

you'll fall for a stuttering pencil factory worker

the dummies guide to conversations with liberals: "minimalism blah blah blah authenticity blah blah blah validation blah blah blah shared experience blah blah blah switching up the narrative blah blah blah"

due to popular demand, meetup allows for the inclusion of suicide activity groups

all hollywood bro comedies must feature cgi bowel movement scenes

groupons are now available for the public beheading in the food court next month

a sitar player who moonlights as a scent detective

all white women in east coast cities who dabble in ukulele shall be named zoe

emotional weather report: cloudy with a 60% chance of anxiety and mobile apps

lolzheimers: the inability to remember what you were laughing about

you'll use the word 'defrocked' in four different conversations this week

a man dreams of moving to a town inhabited solely by women who look like they manage vegan blogs for a living

make the same prank call to the same random number on the same day once every 10 years

"the houston metronomes defeated the hezzbolah rockets, playing with almost unerring precision"

in the future, women will have breasts all over

you'll grow rich from starting a new meme: infants with mustaches

"passive listening parties" become the latest hipster thing. groups of those 'in the know' about a band assemble at someone's house, put on the latest release, and pretend not to listen or to be impressed. in-person enthusiasm is discouraged, but rhapsodic blog and instagram posts are encouraged.

your spacex tourist space flight turns to terror when you become stranded on a remote lunar base inhabited solely by semi-nude lacrosse instructors

scene in the next batman movie where bruce wayne says "computer, read from pippi longstocking, chapter 7, paragraph 3"

the lyrics to every rock love song ever written boil down to: "baby we've got tonight. tonight's the night. it's gonna be tonight. our only night, etc."

cgi brussel sprouts. a brussel sprouts dark superhero origin story. a brussel sprouts rpg and online mmo. 

and the award for best dystopic erotic website goes to sexybigrobotarms.com

and the award for best description of soup in a detective novel goes to...

man in full body cast topples from third story window into path of oncoming steam roller, regrets nothing

market a line of prank incense: one stick explodes after it's halfway spent, another smells like diarrhea. another releases a potent blend of synthetic caffeinates. tagline: "certain to harsh their mellow."

yma sumac invented punk rock

the future of beauty belongs to bald eurasians

man shits on self. others.

the cabaret is always parked outside your bedroom window

everyone vs everyone

rockstars have no right to grow old

death of a k-pop star brings outpouring of grief and asbestos 

yet another day of unquenchable binge breathing

a hot piping of hurrah gas renders you incapable of counting backwards while rubbing your scalp

the best joke hasn't been told yet

grow beard, move to downtown durham, gain +3 in charisma and +4 in cultural cred. launch successful indiegogo and slay dragon.

disgruntled geese make the best detectives 

what are other people if not opportunities for disappointment?

in the future, all podcasts shall be categorized by scent

somewhere, there's a banana peel with your name on it

never gonna lose that teenage feeling

the quieter the monk, the cattier the patter

a scottish conga player communicates with turtles in his sleep, but dresses like a chicken during the day

a peruvian song that sounds like a hamburger tastes

bose introduces a line of poise-canceling headphones. wear them and experience a huge reduction in social graces. they block out all body language and social cues.

mount a search and bless you mission in your town: search out anyone who is sneezing and who hasn't recieved a 'bless you' from someone in earshot, then give them one 

a therapist who specializes in treating drones for anxiety: "i don't why i'm doing what i'm doing. it's as if i'm on auto-pilot." "lately i don't feel like i'm in control of my actions." 

there are days when your faith in humanity depends on what you had for breakfast

a marimba virtuoso is afraid of the dark

a submarine commander is convinced he is a rhinoceros

a pizza delivery drone in 2031 becomes addicted to mozzarella cheese

a woman with a falsetto so pure it turns sharks into swans

a russian millionaire is addicted to eating caviar out of public urinals

it's twenty years later and you're still paying off that kenyan condo

go around stenciling a "p" at the front of all "reserved parking" signs

the birds and the goats shall tell you when it's time to grow facial hair

no matter how hard you try, you can't shake the nickname "ol' colostomy eyes"

yma sumac saves the world with her falsetto

odor-emitting phones with scratch and sniff emojis

a housefly is convinced that shakespeare was a plagiarist

jesus gonna be here soon

your last words in your deathbed: "death, you're making me crunk"

transgender proud boys ftw

an ancient native american curse renders a man unable to comprehend emojis

a saxaphone solo that induces short-term memory loss

do something long enough and it becomes a pastiche, and you your own caricature

become opportunistically trans: "i'm trans-whatever-you-need-me-to-be"

downtown durham institutes non-binary safe spaces every 200 yards where only non-binary people may gather 

motivational coach to an auditorium full of corpses: "you got this!"

oxygen is a gateway drug

a roots rock band called obama care

a divorcee will explode if she thinks about gazelles

a camera that photographs odors

judgment falls like bird shit upon the sleeve

a man grows bored and decides to map out the location of every nocturnal emission in ohio between 1976-1982

early graves for the girls in prairie dresses

is there a rule that states all rock stars must have the same hair at 70 that they had at 30?

there's no rational explanation for any of this. it must be science.

if you cannot afford a surrealist, a court-ordered one shall be appointed to you

a military commander falls in love with a rastafarian mermaid

did you know that native americans have 37 different words for 'peanut butter'?

a future in which poop emojis appear above people's head when they need to use the bathroom

how long until robots become preoccupied with robot identity politics?

at heart, we're all girls from the hood

a young girl singlehandedly wills santa claus into existence

postmodern youth orchestra

a german housewife becomes obsessed with setting butterflies on fire

numbers are the best measure of self worth

east coast chemotherapy versus west coast chemotherapy

the wynton marsalis death cult jazz squad

never sleep with a girl name ruby or play pool against a guy named fats

point of fact: everyone who ever drowns has forgotten how to fly

ladies and gentlemen, i give you: the incel rom com, the freshest new comedy genre in decades

an astronaut is terrified of his own buttocks but preoccupied by the buttocks of others

insist on wearing hospital scrubs to all your friends' weddings

meryl streep plays madonna in a new biopic for lifetime tv

deep house karaoke vs ambient porn soundtracks

falling in love with a deaf percussionist three times in your life

change your name to garcia headblossom and sue the federal government because you aren't as wealthy as you expected to be

sixteen years of yoga and you're still an asshole

it's 5:30pm and someplace there's a vacant parking deck wherein lingers the overwhelming scent of cologne

everywhere you look it's brad pitt in a space helmet

a brooklyn rock band formed by a quintet of midgets who are also pirates of the meatpacking industry

the number one way to elicit tension is to introduce a sandwich in a scene and not allow the character to eat it

write a book for every character who appears in a book that's not about them

a music variety show where indie bands must perform in low gravity low oxygen environments

tonight we're gonna barter like it's 1999

roger ebert does the backstroke in heaven every day

there's a heron in south carolina that longs to cha cha with ya

set free. bound. bound. set free. bound.

a manned lunar mission with the sole purpose of placing pubic hair on the moon

there's a new kind of ghost: one that only haunts the living on social media with posts, likes, and meme shares from beyond the grave

life ambition: grow old and acquire a face like an old brown shoe 

while you're eating cheetos and getting high, civilizations are emerging and developing and burning themselves up too fast to ever find one another

a theme park where all the rides are made of lard

support group: urinal lickers anoynmous

falling in love with a different girl each week on the train

you'll spend a week in september only speaking in the manner of action balloon captions in comic books: "ronk!" "nrgggggh!" "pffffaffff!"
"karrrpow!" "wank!"

a planet inhabited by single women and their cats

snuck up on and done drugged the american novel

you survive a munich nightclub bombing only to be eaten by a crocodile in australia

an fbi agent who can't stop himself from singing sinatra songs during interrogations

you will be apprehended at a nuclear power plant posing as a senior citizen

today is the day rock and roll is gonna save the world. can't you feel it?

fbi agents must carry bongos

genghis khan is reincarnated as a new york dating coach for women

"blackface brownface even if it's my race it's still politics to me"

dance party in a funeral home

a victorian novel that takes place entirely on snapchat

market a line of jalapeno pepper condoms. tagline: "feel the burn"

you were struck by lightning 38 days ago

your last words will be "spanish gold"

you'll move to la and become a blind television critic

in the future, every guest star and minor character gets a full episode devoted to their origin story

a detective show where no one leaves their room

you undertake a mad quixotic quest to collect every van halen bootleg in existence

you will alternate between bouts of furious lovemaking, unimaginable ennui, and spirited marathons of breaking wind

gwar plays an npr tiny desk concert

you'll go someplace quiet and make primitive noises

you will ask the clouds to remember

depressed social media influencers begin suicide go fund mes to raise money to off themselves. stretch goal: hiring a marketing team to make a meme out of their suicide.

girl meets boy boy meets girl together they hurl child after child at an unsuspecting world

motivational speakers with tourette's syndrome

only spent skin bags play itchy uptight jazz

an old woman can't stop dreaming of cgi spiders

you will decline an opportunity in order to preserve for yourself other opportunities you will not take

impersonal injury lawyers

hire a dj to remix your life: more bass added to the impact of your decisions. a different set of beats to drive the tempo of your life.

you'll rethink common chat acronyms:

• lol = lactating on laptop​

• rofl = right on, friendly lesbian

• lamo = lemons might actually offend

• brb = butter reconnaissance boat

• btw = bitch trip wisely

• yolo = you only levitate once

• stfu = snip the final umbilical

• tl;dr = tanya's labia; david's rectum

• fomo = fear of messy ostriches

• afaik = a friend always initiates kinkiness

all edible music tastes like licorice

lynched by a mob of livid particle physicists

you will immediately murder people who say "oh no, you're fine" at the slightest provocation

start a post-social media punk band called the sext pistols

a dating app for dead people

you'll learn to elevate refusal to an art form

granting pedestrians the right of way then running them over when they take it

the difference between comedy and tragedy is only a banana peel away

a city where no one dare pronounce the letter 's'

all silicon valley companies replace their conference rooms with puddle rooms

the three most dangerous gangs in la: the crips, the bloods, the wee willy winkies

a genre of porn film where the money shot always cuts to a bowl of fruit on a table

you get a job as pr writer for the blind knife thrower's association of america

you'll become a militant environmentalist and have you name legally changed to teddy sequoia

durham is just a poor man's brooklyn

emotional weather report #2: sunny with a 40% chance of loot crates

you go to hollywood and become the most in-demand voice-over snorer for snoring scenes the industry has ever seen 

"tonight is the night. we only have tonight." - every pop song ever

yin and yang is when a deodorant stick tumbles capless and headlong into a shit-smeared toilet 

new hobby: playing video games while sleeping

when elvis met hitler

rolex introduces a line of watches for manic depressives: the rolex suicide watch

back a kickstarter for bullet-proof shooting range targets

a guy with a camouflage hat and sleeveless shirt will always buy underage kids beer

all 5 year old girls want to be ruth bader ginsberg, they just don't know it yet

beards on creative class men have been cancelled

a bell is a cup until it is struck

there's nothing sadder than when the cure's robert smith tries to sing in his funky voice

an arrogant supermodel falls in love with the vietnam war

katy perry's new album is entirely cgi. every note.

a scientist's last thoughts are of his boyhood paper route

you'll form a branding company that only hires unattractive people as brand ambassadors

a 14th-century widow invents video games

all npr fund drives will feature drama in real life member accounts like "npr saved my fiancee and me from near-certain annihilation"

a playboy pictorial called the women of linkedin

you and your partner visit a sexbot sperm bank

internet math: 4+4= sriracha,1+1= betty white, 17/3= lone wolf t-shirt, 11+19= bacon, 4x5 = cats

you will eventually murder the sun with your clockwork vanities

every cancelled TV show becomes a made-for-netflix movie

if these walls could talk they'd recite trap music rhymes

shampoo makes you feel like sam's brother

you dive into a swimming pool made filled entirely with potato chips

urethra franklin

drones are being used to craft Italian footwear

"hot trouser jazz" is the new euphemism for spicy flatulence that heats up the inside of your pants. htj for short.

nyc detectives carry poetry chapbooks

a crowd of thousands happily sings along to songs about panic attacks

congress passes a bill stating all americans with mental health disorders will be legally required to own a gun, with tax incentives being created for those who acquire assault rifles

an aircraft carrier made entirely of bagels

market a hip hop breakfast drink called wu-tang

without warning, all photographs of you will start appearing upside down, and will vanish when you attempt to right them

a blind contortionist from brooklyn forms a non-jazz neo-jazz ensemble and is immediately awarded a grammy

a child detective decides to live outside of time and succeeds

in a past life you'd like to have been a shaman or a chief, but you know you were an acquisitions manager

a carnival cruise where all the passengers wear court-ordered ankle bracelets

all law enforcement must now communicate in the style of 90s nyc poetry slams

netflix greenlights a live action reboot of hr pufnstuf

susan b anthony invented the naked selfie

in the future, all spiders will have amniotic jazz sacs and be exceptional bebop drummers. approximately 40% of all jazz bands will have spiders for drummers by 2171.

spoiler alert: you will die

nothing quite says bathos like tuba, trombone, and banjo

put me in charge of town planning and you'll start to see things like nipples avenue and onanist acres

all corrections officers must be fluent writers of haiku

october 8th is indigenous sexbot's day. a little cultural sensitivity, please. they were here before us.

in an alternate universe, harry potter is cast with the members of radiohead at a young age playing the lead characters. a morose adolescent thom yorke shines as the titular sorcerer. the soundtrack is called ok sorcerer.

a homemaker pens a series of literature rewrites for dogs. first installment: beowoof

a photograph that alters the subject's facial features based on the cycles of the moon

open a deli that only sells knuckle sandwiches

a female park ranger falls in love with a nytimes crossword puzzle

a dr. luke/ryan adams collaboration album of love songs to white male privilege, called #ustoo

new identity category: cystqueer

a children's cartoon about a gynecologist dinosaur called gyno dino

saying "hippy nipples" aloud 10x  fast 

a 16th-century samurai assembles the world's first ikea table

today is national "have you hugged a queer houseplant day"

a line of fashionable men's hats steal the thoughts of the person wearing it

upward inflecting during your powerpoint presentation

a rom com that causes instant suicides in women under 25 who watch it alone at home

all traffic cops awake one morning fluent in blank verse

a film composer invents the musical equivalent of tourette syndrome and ruins the box office performance of every film he scores

a vending machine that dispenses human fingers

a german dj who only performs inside a spanish bullring

a scifi movie end credits sequence that instills a deep coma in those who watch it in its entirety

each evening at 11pm, a high school gym teacher transforms himself into a forest elf

a writer whose punctuation is so good it brings readers to tears

a candidate runs on the ""free toilet paper for every tax paying american"" platform and is elected

a submarine sonar operator whose nightmares inspire new fashion trends in men's underwear

a theater director who will burst into flames if he removes his hands from his pockets

a ray gun that turns its target into michael stipe

andy warhol makes a horror film called chelsea ghouls

new workplace initiative: bring your child's babysitter to work day. just the babysitter, not the child.

a new jersey daycare where the babies eat children

nature's most sycophantic animal is the flatterpus

a north carolina historian whose spotify playlist unlocks a new gender

an airbnb run by changelings

a unisex jacket that bestows sainthood on whoever wears it in the rain

a brooklyn dj successfully mates with a whale

a pine-scented urinal cake singlehandedly reforms a corrupt police department

an athletic shoe that inverts all human emotions

a haircut that gives its owner an unquenchable thirst for bologne

a car alarm that turns all those within earshot into incan princesses

a philadelphia synthesizer maker who destroys humanity's ability to process rhythm

a trance DJ set that makes children under 12 able to breathe underwater

a 5th grader whose blog caused the end of wwii

a llama who excels at corporate branding

your child's favorite thing to say out in public is "active shooter"

a dinner party where pronouns and eye contact are forbidden

a stereo system that refuses to play certain genres of music

a goldfish whose bubbles hold the secret of interspecies communication

a vinyl couch that owes 300 years of back taxes

a folding lawn chair that enables dogs to write haikus

a finance algorithm that turns corporate bankers into woodland pixies

a roadie for bon jovi who was a stunt double for bettie davis in a previous life

a middle-age violin maker whose daughter erases all recorded music

an anti-depressant whose side effect is that instills a firm belief in the existence of dragons

a tokyo coffee shop that successfully outlaws electric guitars on two continents

a cage fighting match that culminates in flowers and happy tears

an iphone that reverses the gender of anyone who uses it

an orchestral symphony for buttcrack, car alarm, and crying baby

a haunted house that confirms legal marriage on all unwed couples who enter

a leather biker jacket that cures anorexia nervousa

1980s: recorded lps onto cassettes, 1990s: converted cassettes onto cd-rs, 2000s: burned cd-rs as mp3s. what's next?/please make it stop

an old man eats soft serve vanilla ice cream in the park three minutes before the first explosion

a woman who takes 1,000 years to give birth. civilizations rise and fall during her delivery.

a tortoise shell in indonesia that can solve any crime in new jersey between 1922-1941

a gender-neutral halloween costume that grants the wearer the power of telepathy between 7-9pm

a music festival where all the music is in braille

in the future, all character assassinations shall be carried out via memes. hit men capable of crafting devastating memes that no one's reputation can withstand. 

a four year old boy wills a sandwich into existence and then decides not to eat it

a cabal of wokeaf southern white supremacists whose radical ideas of personal agency advance the cause of latina feminism by decades

a poem that makes a rock star out of the first five people to read it 

a pocket watch that invents a new genre of post-organic television sitcoms

a automobile air freshener that imbues one with an irrepressible old world elan

a performance artist in akron suspects her chin is responsible for all the world's feathers

mcdonald's introduces a happy meal that causes instant untreatable ennui in anyone who eats it

a bionic nose salesman comes home to an 11th-century dance party in his living room. the vibe is pre-electric.

fender markets a guitar made entirely out of mucus

a letter from your kindergarten teacher that induces cannibalism

a man whose beard takes 1,000 years to grow, keeping him alive for the duration

a polaroid instant camera that temporarily grants you the soul of the person it previously photographed

a tattoo that renders its owner impervious to political rhetoric

a michael bay film that subliminally teaches viewers the rudiments of particle physics

a man who only cums when convinced he's under surveillance

a starsky and hutch cover band regrants hawaii its sovereignty

a girl whose doll collection disproves the existence of god argues with a man whose teeth prove the existence of ghosts

a traffic light at a busy intersection that gives fauntlerian pageboy haircuts to all those waiitng under it for longer than 3 minutes

an acting coach whose clients are all goldfish

a folk singer discovers a way to extinguish the sun

a man whose conscience does all his social media posting for him

a smartphone that learns your habits and then takes the liberty of tweeting on your behalf

ghoster: the social media platform that caters to the recently deceased

a chef invents a salad whose main ingredient is insecurity

a memory foam mattress capable of holding a grudge

a spice girls-themed dance party uncovers a portal to the 4th dimension

a community of sonoran landscape painters whose husbands are all sexbots

a rooftop party in williamsburg is menaced by the curse of an disgruntled stock trader

a roadhouse blues band who are deathly afraid of electricity

a film montage of bald men slapping watermelons in the golden sun

avengers: rise of the corpulent robots

a sea snake coins the universal sign for boredom

a hollywood sound engineer replaces all sitcom laughtracks with the sound of diarrhea

a mixologist is building a dirty bomb in her basement

an apothecary where personal pronouns are forbidden

a soprano whose high note causes birds to fall from the sky

a physics equation causes the demise of okinawan pop music

an outdoor music festival causes instant senility in all who attend

a child waits 47 years to open his christmas presents

peta now stands for people for the ethical treatment of androids

an engagement ring renders the wearer addicted to cheese

a kindergarten teacher invents a video game made out of saltines

a houston jazzercise teacher moonlights as a pet exorcist

a dictator falls into a lake filled with anorexia. nobody notices.

a wizard replaces twitter with quicksand and millions of people die within minutes

a blind woman becomes a sought-after ghostwriter for several major american poets

a robot grows self conscious about its lisp

tuesday and wednesday agree to change places, but only when it rains

a man uses "shark" as an adjective to describe things he likes: "that new coat looks so shark on you"

a film soundtrack that is the sound of people barfing

a writer shoots his wife in the head then moves to mexico

a helium blimp visits sri lanka, where it exists on 9 calories a day

a man grows old in the company of shamans, but still he learns nothing

a ramada inn toilet discovers the secret to happiness

a clickbait headline writer travels to jupiter in search of authenticity

a romcom about german biplanes called meet the fokkers

a russian troll bot falls in love with the drawing of a daffodil

a party to which only fish are invited

a scottish scientist invents an incredulity machine. no one believes him.

a disgraced 12th century nun becomes a hero to japanese video game designers

a device that makes all tweets property of Finland

a scorpion writes its memoir and realizes it regrets nothing

all self-styled alpha males shall wear diapers to work on casual fridays to signal unshakeable confidence in their masculinity

a photographer swallows a fly and witnesses the birth of christ

1974: a new zealand watchmaker invents techno music by mistake

a man spends his life diagramming the cloud formations visible from his backyard

a remake of the avengers where every avenger is balding and overweight

a chicago priest can change into a chaise lounge at will

a condom that causes the wearer to be reincarnated upon orgasm

a remake of it's a wonderful life starring jabba the hut

a secret society of powerful world leaders united by their shared addiction to nutter butters

an avengers movie music soundtrack that is just 2 hours of fart sounds

a crow dreams of managing a coachella fashion show

a spanish exchange student charms a houseplant

become a snark oil salesman

market a line of bottled silt water called flint

at the other side of the galaxy, there is a pillow fight going on

a schoolteacher in ohio transforms herself into a large hadron collider every monday at 4am

the irs will speak only in ebonics

a secluded greek island inhabited only by fuck boys and lesbians

From the techbro entrepreneur cookbook: pan-seared bitcoin

a calculator that tallies the sum total of all your moral failings

an ethical scientist invents the world's first vegan ad copy

a carpet stain is suspected of shoplifting

write a ten-word one-act play titled the girl with the flotsam hair

an ice cream parlor that only serves ice cream to ghosts

a rock star spends 43 minutes apologizing for a guitar solo

a sunday school teacher witnesses an argument between two rocks

a self-aware spaceship longs to vacation in cleveland

an iranian tank commander can't stop discussing scones

a 12th-century priest becomes addicted to the idea of snapchat

an old man who finds himself inexplicably menaced by pronouns

it's 1979. a ghost makes love to a telephone book.

a claims adjuster disproves the existence of god

a nobel-winning mathematician becomes convinced that 7 must never be allowed to follow 4

car alarms play only bach fugues

a street sweeper names every single leaf he sees

an iconic rock band sells t-shirts to commemorate their decision not to do a reunion tour. a double live album of uninterrupted silence on an empty stage is released.

a psychologist whose sessions take place underwater

a concert promoter who cannot be dissuaded from staging an acapella Bonnaroo festival

a high school math textbook is made entirely out of fleas

a goldfish has the power to electrocute anyone who thinks about it

a butterfly commits adultery with a parking lot

a website is consumed by untraceable feelings of guilt

a wizard cannot stop thinking about cheese

a hollywood movie premiere where the swag bags are filled with earthworms

a quiet girl floats aimlessly above an earmuff factory, and cannot remember why

a podcast is hosted by croquet mallets

a hostess cupcake holds the key to an ancient mayan prophecy

all magic carpet rides lead to akron

a self-help blogger cannot stop eating bees

a popular twitter raconteur is proven to be a fern

a downtown train that causes those who sit across one another and make eye contact to instantly and forever fall in love

a vial of superglue that repairs cracked morals

a farmer whose crop is reliant on rod stewart's tears

a revolutionary poetic simile that only allows a 13 year old irish boy to use it on the page

a mother names each of her six children knickerbocker

through a series of poltical machinations, a coffee table rules all france

a haircut that unlocks all languages simultaneously

a circus elephant that  honestly just cannot even right now

a self-help book that turns all those who read it into well-meaning sociopaths

a claims adjuster who sets the home tupperware party movement back by decades with a single unguarded remark

a zoo where visitors converse with the animals via snapchat

a blind superhero whose superpower is converting spoken language into braille in real time

a small child is frightened by the memory of a ceiling fan

a public toilet in an la greyhound bus station that grants a single feces-specific wish to any who sit upon it

a korean astronaut grows convinced he is santa claus

all sexts must be written in esperanto

a cover band called good times that plays nothing but incidental music from 1970's sitcoms

a chinese porn star regains her virginity through sheer force of will

a haircut that plagarizes shamelessly from other haircuts in close proximity, constantly changing on the head of the one who wears it

all french djs become terrified of rhythm

a morgan freeman voice over PSA that inadvertently causes a limited thermonuclear exchange between pakistan and india

​​an electric guitar knits sock puppets in its spare time

a scientist writes a 400-page paper disproving the existence of light

all vampire shall qualify for low-income housing

a jaguar becomes a sought-after coder in silicon valley

astronomers discover that the universe is only 24 years old

a security drone becomes obsessed with 15th century poets

a sailboat is blown by the wind of whispers from 1,000 high school cheerleaders

an online video game made entirely of wood

a man who catches bullets with his anus complains of dandruff

detectives solve crimes by whistling

a colony of fire ants starts its own #metoo movement

crayons will be bionic

spaceships take a vow of celibacy

all nascar drivers find themselves unable to stop writing limericks

an aircraft carrier crewed solely by emojis

a didgeridoo made of doritos

an arthurian knight who champions the cause of transx latinas

a grammy-winning hip hop producer still proudly wets his bed

a brooklyn funk guitarist is offended by the letter c

henry kissinger and mao zedong nurtured a secret man crush

a soccer coach gives birth to a pencil factory

www.oldmenonswingsets.com becomes the world's most-visited website

new york will be controlled by punk rock tanning bed czars

a kung fu film in which all the extras in fight scenes are wearing horseheads for no stated reason

the fbi will communicate solely through emojis

a pirate ghost ship powered entirely by cracker jacks

a hollywood director who goes massively over budget by insisting on meticulous cgi recreations of commonplace kitchen utensils in every scene

hooters will relocate its franchise to north korea

the department of justice will communicate only through interpretive dance

congress will communicate only via facebook messanger

a tropical dictator who is really into your stepmom

a romantic comedy set inside a charnel house

romantic comedy set inside a ww2 submarine that is being depth charged

a ghost story/coming of age film set entirely inside an arkansas dairy queen

a navy destroyer is haunted by the ghost of a children's television show

the supreme court will issue findings only via smoke signal

facebook will limit messaging options to morse code

instagram will only be compatible with abacus

the pentagon will be renamed the fatty arbuckle center for domestic and international security

upon arrest: government-appointed cosplay designer. "you have the right to a cosplay designer. if you cannot afford a cosplay designer, one will be provided for you."

all open-heart surgeries will be carried out in hot-air balloons

unimpersonator will be a job title recognized by the department of labor. a person who consciously avoids resembling iconic people or adopting their mannerisms.

hate all things. love all things.

a fashion model slowly becomes addicted to cockroaches

a music journalist insists on writing only about pimento cheese

a subtitle track for the latest star wars movie that is nothing but ones and zeros

cupcakes will be made out of flesh-eating bacteria

all things shall be judged on their porousness

an internet search engine that only returns information about lions, no matter what the user searches for

saturday sees the emergence of a detective who solves crimes by whistling

all systems of influence and control will be instantly recognizable

clouds will be built in factories

a fire hydrant becomes preoccupied with identity politics

a pop culture rehabilitation therapist becomes convinced that scooby doo was raped

voting for american presidential candidates will take place on tinder

the drum sound in all eighties rock songs will be remastered so as not to suck

portly fiendish wins vermont primary, to become the first openly cannibal trans-human/android governor

wildlife shall become apathetic.  “the bear is just not feeling it right now,” says the tour guide apologetically 

people will have sex via usb ports

a famous opera singer insists on vomiting onstage at the end of her last number

a battleship made of cardboard singlehandedly defeats the chinese navy