mocktails

 

 

  • finance

    • tax audit on the beach: an unexpected, wholly unwelcome blend of bitters, lemons, sand, intrusive questions, with a twist of spice that'll have you scrambling for those misplaced receipts

  • political/current events

    • the acosta. sped up and doctored so you're not quite sure what it is you're drinking. you only know that it gets your bar access revoked. 

    • the caravan. the exotic drink that never arrives.

    • ice. a pungent blend of tequila and tears. separates you from your friends. drink a few of these and you'll be on the wrong side of the border before you know what.

    • the troll farm. angers you in a way you can't identify.

    • the fake news. all fizz, no booze. mobilizes you in all the wrong ways.

    • cherry mandering: a highly partisan concoction made with vodka and either red grenadines syrup or blue curacao. 

    • the rumsfeld. a beguiling mix of known unknowns that will have you speaking in ellipses in no time.

  • fascism

    • the final solution: a merciless blend of schnapps, barbed wire, and zyklon-b that'll have you quoting from mein kampf by your 3rd round.

    • boys from brazil.  a furtive blend of schnapps and forged passports that'll have you looking over your shoulder in fear with each sip.

    • enemy of the state. feel the cold bars of the cell slam shut as you enjoy this dangerous 150% proof blend of vodka and interrogation. suggested serving instruction: poured into open torture wounds.

    • stalin fizz. also known as moscow gulag. a bracing blend of bathtub vodka, month-old potatoes, and ruined dreams. disappears your loved ones overnight.

  • social media

    • the zuckerberg. this utopian sounding mix promises you community and connection but instead mines your personal data from the inside out after you drink it.

    • the tech bro. comes with a mini-rubber exercise ball chair and foosball table. order three and get stock options.

  • sex

    • the reacharound. 

    • the objectifier. 

  • bro and basic bitch

    • the kavanaugh.  a beer-heavy whiskey shot that's all bluster and acrimony. no matter how wasted you get, there won't be any negative repercussions,as long as you're a white dude.

    • the basic bitch. loves tacos, the mountains and the beach, travel, beards, and aerial yoga. mostly vegan. also known as the brittany.

    • the frat boy: guaranteed to cancel out your sunglasses tan or your money back. urban legend has it that if you drink 5 of these in a row, chad--who died from alcohol poisoning back in 05' at homecoming-- will appear in sperrys and khakis and call you a bro if you summon him three times in a mirror. comes with a complimentary lanyard. half price of you're wearing your cap backwards. 

  • lifestyle

    • the vegan. a holier-than-thou blend of ginseng, kombucha, hemp, and absinthe. will have you virtue signalling like a champ on the dancefloor within minutes.

    • the hipster. two rounds of these artisanal beauties and you'll look like a deep south rockabilly auto mechanic in no time. 

    • sext on the beach. this saucy digital delight mixes blueberry and peach vodka, coke, and a naked selfie into a blueball-inducing blend that at best offers only the thinnest veneer of the real thing. order as many as you want, you'll never feel like you've had enough.

    • the misanthrope. this bitter concoction has a kick like a mule with a disagreeably bitter aftertaste that'll have you arguing with everyone you meet.

    • the gentrifier: a risk-averse, well-intentioned blend of vanilla, espresso and soy that forces the older cocktails off the menu.

  • scatological 

    • diarrhea sunset. a foul concoction of rum, liquid excrement, and pineapple that seems shat out by satan himself. defies you to raise it to your lips. we'll pay your rent for the next six months if you manage to drink it all.

  • pop culture​

    • ​ sarcophagus pony. is it a type of drink or a new band from brooklyn?

  • sports 

    • pims athletic cup. 

  • medicine 

    • tom collin-oscopy

    • halitosis sunrise. a delightful blend of rum, pineapple, and the foul breath of your unshaven bartender.

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