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dramatus personae

1001 bad ideas for the new millennium

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  1. start referring to all wealthy young adults as "bitcoin douchebags"

  2. become an undergrad poetry professor at a small liberal arts college and publish a poetry collection called kiss me where the sun don't shine: collected poems

  3. start wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "kiss me, i'm spanglish!"

  4. market a product called trump extract that promises to give users the brazenly powerful chutzpah of donald trump. the small print states "while we cannot guarantee our product will grant you success in your endeavors, it will turn heads when family, friends, and co-workers notice your balls-out, take-charge new attitude"

  5. move to berkely, ca, change your name to blazes o'moynahan and model your look after the archetype of a 19th-century boxer, while challenging the townsfolk to public boxing matches

  6. publish a cookbook of recipes for outer space debris titled fell to earth. recipes include fried comet and cajun-blackened satellite.

  7. marry a person largely on the basis of their twitter feed, then divorce them on the basis of their instagram feed

  8. convince the ceo of hooter's to help bankroll a private manned mission to mars under the condition that the first inhabitable structure on the planet is a hooter's restaurant

  9. name your first child leviathan 1.0

  10. spend five years of your life taking photos of every public bathroom stall in america, then publish the highlights in a coffee table photobook called shitter: the hidden heart and soul of america

  11. market a line of hp lovecraft-inspired sex toys: the deep deep deep ones, cthulube, etc

  12. spend a month where you only speak in the russian-influenced argot nadsat as popularized in the burgess novel a clockwork orange: "viddy viddy kino snatch, my droogies?" and so on

  13. convince acclaimed documentary filmmaker errol morris to make a documentary about the teletubbies, which damages his credibility among film critics. he never forgives you and in later years states, "i must have taken leave of my senses."

  14. quit your job and take out a loan to open a rustic b&b called queef creek lodge

  15. form a beatles cover band but try to pass the material off as being originals: "here's a little number we wrote last week. our first time tonight playing it before a live audience. it's called 'i wanna hold your hand'"

  16. in an ill-advised, tone-deaf attempt to help america heal its divisions, form a band called fine people on both sides and write songs with titles like "we love you. you are very special."

  17. get a job writing ad copy for sex toys in a language that you barely understand: "the pocketed cat toy is very suitable for male masturbation. some sexual desires can not been released for a long time, it is undoubtedly a good choice. it helps your gland stay active and strong. you are more for outstanding in the reality shows with your partner, and also can to let your hands totally free."

  18. open a surgery clinic that specializes in transforming patients into their favorite tv character. the lawsuits begin almost immediately.

  19. market a line of "science is for democrats" bumper stickers, causing confusion among the left and the right as to what side they are supporting when they put them on their car

  20. convince oneamericanewsnetwork and npr to team up on fund drives

  21. annoy those around you by asking them riddles that you make up on the spot and that have no answers: "when is a duck not a duck?" and so on. after a few days of this, people stop listening to you

  22. market a line of potpourri-scented toilet plungers

  23. convince radiohead to let you open for them for their first post-covid concert and spend your entire set reading aloud your boba fett fan fiction

  24. spend a decade of your life composing nursery rhymes that sound like a nest of angry bees

  25. become head of product development for crayon and convince them to introduce two new color options: used car orange and dirty needle brown

  26. adopt a series of increasingly elaborate facial tics simply out of boredom

  27. form a right-wing 80s hair metal band called quiet capitol riot and name your beach house führer's roost

  28. open a franchise of bull fighting summer camps for kids in america's most liberal cities

  29. open a gym where chocolate cake is served in all cycling classes

  30. convince martin scorsese to direct an animated pokemon sex comedy

  31. move to australia and become a militant woke boxer named knuckles queerbrow

  32. convince nasa to fund you billions of dollars to build a series of early warning detection stations around the world to detect incoming farts before they occur. in your pitch, you somehow convinced the right people that one day "the big one" could hit, rendering life on earth "uninhabitable for centuries."

  33. run for potus on the platform of putting a preservation hall jazz band in every garage or spare room. "no american tax paying family shall do without!"

  34. manage a punk band of angry short janitors called knee-high custodial fist

  35. declare to your team during a tuesday morning meeting that today is "taco titty tuesday" as you lift your shirt, where flattened tacos are crammed into your bra

  36. quit your job, move to hollywood, and pitch a gonzo reality prank show called christ, i hope it's not poop

  37. convince u2 to change their name to #youtoo

  38. form an 80's supergroup amalgam called the wrecking 2 live motley crew

  39. market a line of frigid/unpleasant sex toys:

    • the chastity box

    • the icicle glove

    • the not tonight dear, i have a headache

    • the obligatory marital birthday handjob ("sighs and looks at its watch if you take longer than two minutes to finish")

  40. launch an erotic version of linkedin called kinkedin  "where the sexed up go to further their careers"

  41. become editor of playboy magazine and commission woke pictorials like the women of #blm and the women of #metoo

  42. develop a tv series that is a scatologically-minded reboot of the office called the orifice

  43. form a "coffee and syphilis" meetup group just for kicks to see who signs up

  44. form an all-star band of covid-positive rock stars called superspreader

  45. a sky diving school for narcoleptics

  46. become a white supremacist dj called 2proudboy and play republican events where you sample speeches from the likes of hitler, david dukes, richard spencer, and mussolini and set them to a beat

  47. begin self identifying as a ufo and insist that your employer and the government recognize you as such

  48. open a butcher shop called lopped off, with the store sign showing a bloody meat cleaver

  49. open a chain of grocery stores for preteens called harris tweener

  50. an alvin & the chipmunks themed episode of american idol

  51. market a line of artisanal meat-infused water drinks: sausage springs life water

  52. sell a line of beers called dark mushroom, with the slogan "fancy a bit of the fungi?"

  53. market a line of lingerie for corpses called coffin panties

  54. become a burlesque performer named dita von taze who electrocutes her audience

  55. market an ambiguous sandwich called country honk to truckstops and gas stations

  56. form a polite white yacht funk band called van ordinaire and the meretricious dongs

  57. make it your life's work to stage a noh theater adaptation of the latest baywatch movie

  58. try to convince people that there is such a thing as the endangered feces act

  59. market a line of lgbtq+-themed handguns and rifles

  60. begin posting non-sensical notification signs in outdoor public areas:
    "no shalegagging allowed"​
    "absolutely no mock turtles beyond this point!"
    "sorry, fresh out of bunnyvale thrizzlerifters"

  61. develop a line of emojis that depict the facial expressions of nerve gas attack victims

  62. launch a tiktok channel for morticians called death streaming

  63. make a tape loop of a baby crying then play it loudly on repeat on a boombox. put the boombox in a filthy dumpster and film people as they climb in to "rescue the baby," then upload the vids to youtube.

  64. develop the habit of saying things like this on first dates:
    "imagine if the nazis had had instagram"
    "guess how long i was breast fed as a child!"
    "after dinner, would you show me your vestigial tail?"

  65. open a vice summer camp for kids, an intensive 8-week long camp where skills like cyberbullying, porn downloading, underage drinking, vandalism, and drug use are taught. proudly proclaim your "success rate" of 94% of camp graduates who end up in juvie within 6 months of graduation.

  66. write a coming of age children's memoir with lines like "In 3rd grade, I liked funyuns so much I would have eaten them straight out of satan's asshole"

  67. market a line of caramel mucus hard candies called throat butter. marketing slogan: "you coughed it up. we wrapped it in a sweet hard sugar shell and sold it right back to you."

  68. market a snack food called fruited wombat clusters

  69. start saying things like "it's 2021 and i'm totally racist against racism" in the hopes of ingratiating yourself among young people

  70. become an influential food critic and convince people that skunk sauce is going to be the next big thing

  71. on a whim, fly to haiti and attempt to install yourself as interim president

  72. record a remake of the allman brothers band classic eat a peach but reimagined for a meaner america. call it eat a dick.

  73. convince radiohead and u2 to play a series of concerts together with the catch that each band performs the other's songs

  74. become a senior manager at hallmark and convince them to market a line of "it's your own damn fault" sympathy cards to unvaccinated victims of covid

  75. open an embalming summer camp for kids

  76. buy a german sheppard and name it götterdämmerung

  77. market an ambiguous luxury product called ultra gold: pure shit

  78. market a line of gourmet ice cream named after bowel movements:

    • chocolate triple flush slush​

    • corn floaters

    • coiled cranky anaconda

    • dank dark broth

  79. market a line of gourmet seasonings called fried gorgon paste

  80. mcdonald's markets a line of workplace sexual harassment happy meals, called the #metoomeal. they come with plastic action figures of harvey weinstein and rose mcgowan, so kids can have them battle it out while eating. 

  81. develop a puzzle toy called rubik's pubes, where you try to untangle a thick patch of elderly pubic hair, six shades of grey

  82. produce a mean-spirited children's prank show called stomp conkers, where mean kids take delight in fucking people up

  83. start a faux lifestyle magazine called trundled, where the focus is on beautiful photos of rickety distressed wheeled furniture

  84. self-publish an illustrated children's book promoting female circumcision called sally's snip

  85. market an energy drink for virile rednecks called guzzle gizzard

  86. market a gourmet beverage called aquarium broth "now with 14% more fish piss"

  87. convince great thunberg to record a cover of madonna's "vogue" rewritten around themes of environmental collapse. the video shows her modeling a variety of burlap sacks and ragamuffin outfits, standing in the middle of flooded city streets or arid deserts, doing a variety of dance moves that involve wagging her finger sternly at the viewer. 

  88. develop a brand of condoms for necrophiliacs called corpse ticklers. tagline: "they won't even know the difference"

  89. convince weird al jankovic to do a cover of madonna's papa don't preach but make it be about the dangers of piracy and file sharing: "papa don't leech, i'm in trouble deep. but i made up my mind and i'm keeping my downloads. gonna keep my downloads."

  90. come to work on your first day as a 6th grade teacher wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "my boyfriend's wife hates me"

  91. spend millions developing and marketing a gourmet condiment called culpepper's armpit sauce

  92. popularize a new workout trend: fog jogging. people running in near zero visibility conditions, colliding with lampposts, trash cans, and one another. market a line of grey workout clothes that make it even harder to be seen, further increasing the chance of collisions with others.

  93. the next time a co-worker casually asks you how you're doing, reply with "i'm festooned with hot doomswaddle and victory snot. how 'bout you?"

  94. open a fast food restaurant called michael stipe's, where all the meal names and descriptions are written in an unintelligble mumble. one marketing slogan would be "pretty sure it's vegan" and playing in a band would be one requirement for employment.

  95. publish a children's book franchise called limony snicket and act surprised when you are sued

  96. prank stores by putting signs in places the cashier won't notice that read "thank you for shoplifting with us today"

  97. ​