change your name

  • change your name to govinda atavist and commission lady gaga to write an opera skewering the modern online american woman entitled basic bitch (living my best life)

  • change your name to terpsichore mysterioso and ensure you do seven inept things each day by 3pm

  • change your name to resin jobs and exclaim "mammy, you are one righteous cabbage" to people you admire

  • change your name to baxter el olio and high-five stop signs at every opportunity

  • change your name to norris burns and popularize a controversial mood therapy that involves sniffing glue

  • change your name to chaz rumpole and become a narcoleptic detective, solving murder mysteries in your sleep

  • change your name to patterson bamsquander and open a boutique goldfish grooming service

  • change your name to the artist formerly known as knuckles basingstoke

  • change your name to whims forthright and open the first ice cream truck in the seattle autonomous zone. customers pay not with money but by showing you their woke twitter posts.

  • change your name to hobart breadwax and open a custom surfboard shop where the boards are made out of 65% bread

  • change your name to dribbles danforth and when people ask you if you're a basketball player, say "no, but i drool a lot"

  • change your name to chaz terpsichore and become a life coach for dolphins, with the slogan "helping you find your sense of porpoise"

  • change your name to nancy fractal and become a holographic stripper

  • change your name to hurley shetland become cfo at a tech firm, then start using words like "electronical" and "authorizationized" with a straight face

  • change your name to ignatio cabbage and self-identify as cabbage patch kid. sue your employer and win when they fail to formally recognize you as such.

  • change your name to crispin larkstank and market a kitchen product called plumber's salt. nobody knows what to use it for. toilet? food?

  • change your name to baxter fairweather and change your linkedin title to violence worker

  • change your name to michael palindrome and annoy people with endless verbal quips

  • change your name to johnny camera and sell homemade flamethrowers from the back of your van

  • change your name to george michael lucas and direct nothing but prequels to movies that don't exist

  • change your name to stubbs elroy mcelroy and launch a site called wackipedia, where the information is entirely made up and ridiculous

  • change your name to olaf olaf and form a malevolent finnish folk trio called skin the fool. all songs are about seasonal sacrificial rituals. 

  • change your name to jeremy chance and produce porn for the covid era: stay at home sluts volume vii, skype vixens x, zoom sex party, sexy social distancers ii, etc.

  • change your name to fred womble and shock the horror world by making a horror movie where nothing goes wrong in a cult or on a commune

  • change your name to chauncey beauregard and become a maga ice sculptor. whenever a confederate statue is torn down, create an exact replica in ice and display it in a temperature-controlled glass case in your front yard.

  • change your name to dinklage questlove and write a seven act comedy about a divorcee on a houseboat

  • change your name to teakettle jones and found the center for applied ineptitude ("a thinktank dedicated to getting it wrong")

  • change your name to stouffer heinrich, invent a time machine and travel back in time to become a paleozoic gay activist

  • change your name to francois trundles and start a website called iodb (internet opinion database). a database of every opinion ever posted by anyone online. can be organized by name, topic, or chronology, enabling one to view the first ever opinion posted online. 

  • change your name to chaz lemonmeister and teach theoretical aerobics

  • change your name to hobo debauchery and form an all-woman's funk band called warm gretel, then an all-cathlic girl heavy metal band called virtue minder 

  • change your name to amy christian cooper and start a hybrid dog walking/bird watching service

  • change your name to jertzy foulmore and start a local meetup chapter for people who have the shared interest of defecating while standing up. have your first meeting be a group lunch where you all compare techniques.

  • change your name to esterhaus tinterhosen and become a shark dentist

  • change your name to chet bohampton and make a cool couple million marketing a line of laxatives to aging dudebros called shit yeah!

  • change your name to amphigory jackson and greenlight reboots for the covid era: an office reboot where they all work from home, an exorcist remake that takes place entirely over skype, etc.

  • change your name to sally butternut and become a non-traditional wedding planner, selling your clients on the exotic thrill of holding their wedding at the north korea/south korea dmz

  • change your name to ziggy elfminder and have your first album be a greatest hits collection of obscure home-pressed singles that you couldn't even sell to your friends: elfminder: the collected hits

  • change your name to isaiah nettles and found the institute for the preservation of ghost music

  • change your name to chaz barkshark and become a poet who harbors an acute distrust of language

  • change your name to baxter backtax and threaten to audit people who annoy you

  • change your name to johnny anvil, then to johnny advil

  • change your name to chaz valueadd and talk only in business speak: "i'll circle back to you next week on that." "what are our pain points with this?" hand out business cards that list your role as "businesstician"

  • change your name to charlemain la croix and begin referring to yourself as "the great white hope of sevastopol"

  • change your name to chaz fortuno and accost strangers with the question "just what are you hiding inside those bowels of yours?"

  • change your name to arnold corns, wear turtleneck sweaters and your hair in a page boy cut, and a pair of tinted 60s psychedelic sunglasses. carry an acoustic guitar with you wherever you go.

  • change your name to skronk rebontik, move to the lower east side, and form an instrumental sludge trio called snort blanket

  • change your name to jambalaya herringbone and form an elven-themed cajun synth band

  • change your name to dax chloride and market a line of laxatives with klaus kinski's face on the packaging

  • change your name to bliss blood and open a late-night bar named the blue hymen

  • change your name to putrid corpseminder and earn your online doctorate in advanced ninja studies, then become harvard's first professor of ninja studies

  • change your name to nipsy square and produce a hip-hop remake of beauty and the beast called beauty and the beastie boys

  • change your name to franklin templeton and attempt to reintroduce cabbage patch kids as social media icons

  • change your name to larchmere olfactor and begin warning parents what a dangerous influence the rolling stones shall be on their children

  • change your name to chaz dunderblock and start referring to the beatles as the beagles and talking about this new beaglemania that is sweeping the nation

  • change your name to akiko fathersexdog and move to tokyo to become a performance artist

  • change your name to lucretia bottominder and start classifying people based on the shape of their bottoms

  • change your name to chauncey newman and greenlight a gonzo new prank show with chase bivouac called you've been dendrite punkd

  • change your name to calhoun frostypants and become a professional rodeo clown in north korea

  • change your name to clyde cabbageflower, move to hollywood and become a differently-abled stuntman

  • change your name to lyla gasolinepants and open a guns and ammo store in the seattle autonomous zone

  • change your name to perkins nickleminder and invent a smart gun that is only capable of being fired at white republicans

  • change your name to 001 and hack business sites to replace the race drop-down on their job application sites with the following options:

    • cossack

    • viking

    • aztec

    • sumerian

    • mongol

    • celt 

  • change your name to jertzy foulmore and organize an altamont 50th anniversary concert, where you book the rolling stones and hire hell's angels for security. insist that you didn't know anything about the tragic events of the first one.

  • change your name to cosmo welschmertz and warn people of the upcoming protein riots

  • change your name to oscar "party favors" sanchez and begin insisting on mandatory sensitivity training for fictional characters, with the avengers being the first attendees

  • change your name to corky ajax and start referring to every cop you see as "my boo"

  • change your name to deaclage turpesque and market a line of face masks that double as thongs

  • change your name to bartholomew junjun and subsist on a diet of the crumbs found on and around your car seat

  • change your name to bruno earwaller, sire eleven children, but find yourself unable to escape the conviction that you are the last person on Earth

  • change your name to blackshaw ostensible and captain a greenpeace ship where you roam the seas in search of inflatable pool whales to save

  • change your name to mittens tannenbaum and inherit an earmuff factory

  • change your name to malone st swithins and write dystopic fiction about a society paralyzed by the need to like likes. anytime anyone posts anything, it kicks off a looping sequence of likes and likes of likes that chains people to their devices. fines are levied on those who neglect to like likes, people are fired for not meeting a quota of likes. industry eventually collapses, people stop feeding themselves. "the tension of the unliked like hung in the air, at first like objectionable flatulence and then with the electricity of an unexploded bomb. the minutes ticked away with no reciprocal likes. smith couldn't believe his eyes. he gasped, as if the air had gone out of the room. was this really happening?"

  • change your name to artemis dangersides and treat every visit to the grocery store as an infiltration mission behind enemy lines from which you may never return

  • change your name to terry eldritch and convince david lynch to adapt eraserhead into a saturday morning kid's cartoon

  • change your name to riposte sanchez and launch the anti-foodie movement for people who dislike eating

  • change your name to desmond demimonde and launch the hello kitty! goth movement

  • change your name to eagon eccklethwaite and become a one-man wham! cover band

  • change your name to roscoe bobbins and make it your life's work to elevate the pork rind to fine cuisine

  • change your name to chaz favorpretzel and open a mennonite strip club

  • change your name to chauncey stardust, become a powerful tv exec, and greenlight a scatological reboot of the office entitled the orifice

  • change your name to möbius marley and release a jamaican rap sci-fi concept album called jah matrix

  • change your name to floyd lloyd and become the world's foremost turtle whisperer

  • change your name to tee dawg and insist that you are a celebrity, and charge $3,000 an hour for a zoom call

  • change your name to mums bartzwelder and start a scuba club for kleptomaniacs

  • change your name to praxley cavendish and spend your life perfecting the look of an animatronic elvis presley

  • change your name to eldorado queefpot and open a whistling camp for midgets

  • change your name to bobbins esterhaus and open a summer prank camp for kids called monkeyshines

  • change your name to lucretia gangbang and form a female gang that rides on segways and menaces bro dudes

  • change your name to baxter yum-yum and form a modern dance troupe made up of doughy middle-aged men with hairy backs and delusions of artistic grandeur

  • change your name to chaz outrage and start sending strangers live spiders through the mail

  • change your name to chaz aniston and greenlight a reboot of friends but have it set entirely in the mind of a solitary schizophrenic living alone in a rent-controlled nyc apartment

  • change your name to chaz elfman and reform oingo boingo without any of the original members

  • change your name to satchmo 'cool scat' d'arcy and become the hairdresser who popularizes 9th-century monk haircuts on hip-hop artists

  • change your name to darcie elderflower and become a blind wiccan priestess

  • change your name to alfredo bildgepump, become a drag torch singer, then beat the stuffing out of anyone who questions your machismo

  • change your name to mandrake juz and launch a travel show called scalded planet, where you only visit places that can burn you

  • change your name to spots vanderwood and open a semi-nude golf club

  • nickname yourself 'slowhand' and play a single blues lick over and over for hours on end at open mic night

  • change your name to spinnane organza and market a line of mood rings for sociopaths

  • change your name to grizz drawls and start a church radio show called the golden shower gospel power hour, oblivious to the connotations of the phrase

  • change your name to jah wobble and accuse anyone who bothers you of committing 'cyber libel'

  • change your name to ian morrison and start referring to yourself as 'a rock and roll embarrassment'

  • change your name to ignatious stringfellow and open a vape shop on a remote arctic research outpost, then complain about how slow business is

  • change your name to rizzo shankely, become lady antebellum's new manager, and convince them to change their name to lady antifa. then convince the dixie chicks to change their name to the yankee chicks.

  • change your name to dalton gumbo and produce a needlessly confrontational cajun cooking show called stirring the pot with dalton gumbo. for your first episode, you invite ta-nehisi coates and richard spencer on to help you make etouffee.

  • change your name to deacon 'finger sandwich' o'shea and launch a 24-hour cable channel for estonian women's wrestling

  • change your name to terry chalkmouth and lead a tour bus through the seattle autonomous zone

  • change your name to hart flavorsample and begin sporting a thin moustache like it's a clever joke that only you are in on

  • change your name to kevin 'flechette' robinson and host an interview show called hand-to-hand combat, where you physically spar with your guests while interviewing them

  • change your name to baxter sweetbrier and begin dressing like a mid-70s pimp

  • change your name to gavotte lemon and write inspector gadget coming-out lgbt fan fiction

  • change your name to darryl strawberry and market a line of fruit-scented thongs for men

  • change your name to eyeore powerball and author a series of junior detective novels where everyone is ludicrously ripped on steroids: the mystery of the ripped lifter, the veiny dumbbell caper

  • change your name to chaz gherkin and start a circus clown doomsday cult in the seattle autonomous zone

  • change your name to abertwombie nightlark and attempt to revive andrew dice clay's career. "they said it couldn't be done. they were right."

  • change your name to el saurez flatbush and call for a return to 19th-century pubic grooming standards

  • change your name to manny bottoms and become a social-rights advocate for ghosts, where you try to launch hashtags like #afterlivesmatter

  • change your name to ad astra and move into a haunted house in upstate vermont where the ghosts only appear when you masturbate

  • change your name to oleander clay and form a freak folk band called the six organs of admittance

  • change your name to juniper mysteryswoop and form a pop group named bartleby and the sweatshop boys

  • change your name to deacon tidewater and write a rock opera called american undergarment

  • change your name to polly netscape and start a cyborg poetry journal called shark on the beach!

  • change your name to ben blindfolds five and form a 90s slacker band called sediment

  • change your name to triffid 'circuits' hagen and record a cover of michael jackson's thriller album in the style of kraftwerk

  • change your name to slowhand smythe and write polite blues songs with titles like double shot of my baby's indifference

  • change your name to chaz qualcom and market yourself as a business optimization metrics evangelist

  • change your name to prince binomial and launch a dating app for the infected called okcovid

  • change your name to bernard foxtrot and convince the jazz world that sun ra and she-ra recorded a duet album of avant jazz in the early 1982: the princesses of power arkestra

  • change your name to lady gaga giigii googoo and make dance music for babies

  • change your name to cyrus ochanzo and start a website called amaxon.com where you get 2 cents whenever someone mistakenly navigates there

  • change your name to hotdog onasssis and open a guns and ammo store in the seattle autonomous zone

  • change your name to mystique elderflower and become a woke midwife in asheville 

  • change your name to carthage nemo and develop a new reality show called the biggest virtue signaler, where the one who can virtue signal most successfully wins a million dollars

  • change your name to lady adelaide and begin dismissing people as "ear coddlers"

  • change your name to conner sheridan and review video games as if they were avant-garde theater productions

  • change your name to jock hazmat and start referring to yourself as a mountebank

  • change your name to deacon bromide and form a surf rock trio that plays surf music on the theremin

  • change your name to frankie thimblefist and open a cocktail bar called the final solution with holocaust-themed drink names

  • change your name to fleckenstein breckenstein and run around shouting "you've been cancelled!" into people's faces

  • change your name to dizzy dyzrhythmia and blow loudly on a kazoo whenever you enter a room

  • change your name to the cobalt kid and open a hip eatery called mystery meat, where none of the dishes list the ingredients

  • change your name to perry winklebroth and become an investment advisor to dead celebrities

  • change your name to frederick mullholland and start a semi-nude military marching band

  • change your name to leonardo feathertender and proclaim to all who will listen that the revolution will not be bowdlerized

  • change your name to renee harlweather and found a religion based on the idea that people will be reincarnated as emojis

  • change your name to petronious greyhat and develop a series of online video games based on 80s sitcoms:

    • a bosom buddies mmo where players play either as the two male protagonists in drag or the many many female coeds​

    • an eight is enough online shooter

    • a family ties real-time strategy game

    • a one day at a time domestic simulator

  • change your name to spoons featherweight and become a freestyle mime rapper

  • change your name to phinnieas aspertine and publish a poetry journal devoted to obscure 19th-century menial labor called cobblesquabber

  • change your name to lucretia larkspur and launch a high-brow erotic magazine called sideboob

  • change your name to fly ricky and insist that your wife refer to you as "pancho" and that you refer to her as "lefty" when out in public

  • change your name to clarice afterthought and start an insurance company that offers life insurance for sexbots

  • change your name to binomial prax and become a captain of the potato chip industry

  • change your name to fitzweller rascalear and write a book called thrust: an illustrated history of the codpiece

  • change your name to twyla thwap and found a blind dance troupe

  • change your name to robespierre jackson and open a dung-based aromatherapy practice

  • change your name to hannibal rector and form a jam band called dinosaur farts

  • change your name to teddy moomenschanz and become a free-form interpretive dancer for corporate events

  • change your name to chaz bojangles and open a chain of yiddish biscuit drive thrus

  • change your name to marky malarky and write raps about what a fraud you are

  • change your name to govinda batswain and make swooping motions whenever you enter a room

  • change your name to bobby canaveral and open a dunking booth next door to a crack house

  • change your name to saladania longacre and become a therapist for traumatized barbie dolls

  • change your name to peaches poe and become an after-life wedding planner

  • change your name to travis micronaut and start a rumor that you can develop covid-19 immunity by touching your toes 200x a day

  • change your name to reginald fokker and become a mime death doula

  • change your name to chaz bromide and become an intimacy coach to japanese men and the sex dolls they have married

  • change your name to mums buttercream and become a method actor for mouthwash commercials 

  • change your name to edward longshadow elderwolf, claim native american heritage, and start the occupy sesame street social movement

  • change your name to dystopia fernbroth and write a broadway musical about the chernobyl disaster

  • change your name to chavo chavez and get fired from your senior management position two days before retirement for pulling people's pants down at work

  • change your name to kvatch spart and commit a series of heinous crimes simply to test your theory of what happens if you order an all-you-can-eat buffet on your last night on death row: if you can eat without end, can you stave off execution indefinitely?

  • change your name to bryce warlock and advocate for the inclusion of male witches into the boy scouts

  • change your name to dj condensation and play only water-centric music

  • change your name to felonious mong and move to a town where people lean forward 45 degrees when they speak

  • change your name to tompkins wonderstuff and get fired from your hotel job for scheduling a nambla convention and a boy scout's convention on the same weekend

  • change your name to tony timbuktu and form a series of creedence clearwater revival performance art bands: creedence blackwater revival (i heard it through the enhanced interrogation grapevine, too proud to talk under  duress mary), creedence ceo revival (born in the east hamptons,"it is me, it is me, i am a fortunate son," bad merger rising, playin' in a shareholder's band) creedence covid revival

  • change your name to terrence o and form a series of garfield-themed cover bands: garfield and oates, the garfield dead, simon and garfield, garfieldfunk railroad

  • change your name to esterhaus consignmentdroid and become a door-to-door sexbot salesman

  • change your name to teddy mifune and update the infamous rick roll prank to use this song, with the saying being "you've been ayonga rolled!"

  • change your name to clinton furywings and become a professional baiter of right-wing trolls

  • change your name to rocco pianoforte and become a semi-nude concert pianist

  • change your name to chester butternuts and abandon your upper management position to return to the paper route you had in 7th grade

  • change your name to tik tok mcintire and introduce a line of sour candies called cancer cuties

  • change your name to kosmo mcswain and open a burning man-themed daycare business

  • change your name to francois gooligan and market a line of self-help products called that beautiful bullshit that tells you you're special

  • change your name to fitzgerald mansplainer and insist that women don't really exist

  • change your name to edward bellweather and develop an impossibly arcane tv quiz show in which panelists are asked to name the favorite beverages of 17th-century saints

  • change your name to teddy morningsides and direct a live action anime remake of the breakfast club

  • change your name to ludovico brandywine and become a professional critic of children's art

  • change your name to bedpan onassis and convince tommy hillfiger to release a line of men's loincloth casual wear

  • change your name to beowulf la beuf, become a tv exec, and greenlight a saturday morning tv series about caligula. also have caligula join the cast of space ghost and scooby doo

  • change your name to scutter greythorpe and stage a kabuki theater adaptation of jaws

  • change your name to courtney forthright and market a line of punk rock sock puppets

  • change your name to terry damascus and remake every episode of m.a.s.h. as an anime cartoon

  • change your name to tarryweather templeton and open a sanctuary for transgender tigers

  • change your name to spotswood houndthrasher and insist you have superpowers when you wear a cravat

  • change your name to fez spackler and win the the dylan thomas international poetry award for your poem ode to a downward trending instagram influencer. follow that with ode to an aging youtube toy unboxing channel star

  • change your name to tristan zara and develop a line of sanitary products for devout christians called nativity wipes

  • change your name to peter barfsalot and form an animal house tribute band

  • change your name to anais ninny and write erotic feminist limericks

  • change your name to magic eyes hooligan and start dancing every evening at 6 outside your local whole foods

  • change your name to dub mystique and start calling your boss 'hugglepumpf'

  • change your name to odette scarfsalot and become a professional theater critic of junior high school productions, where you write things like "despite a game cast, you're a good man charlie brown fails to find its footing"

  • change your name to ice cream sanchez and become a goth clown for children's parties

  • change your name to jethro tool and brew a line of non-alcoholic moonshine deep in the kentucky hills 

  • change your name to val valentino, carry a boombox with you and play she's a bad mamajama at top volume whenever you enter a room

  • change your name to zsa zsa oswego and become a go-go dancer at senior center bingo tournaments

  • change your name to adolphus favorhoop and open a donut shop inside a sanitarium

  • change your name to quintonious larkspire and write poems about the minor irritants of middle-class life: waiting in line at costco, the guy upstairs is banging on the pipes again at 6am, have porch pirates stolen my amazon package?

  • change your name to tabitha ratpacker and stage a one-woman off-off broadway show about courtney love called a love story

  • change your name to vic fudgeback and open a pizza parlor on the ocean floor and then expand and open another in orbit around the iss

  • change your name to mackenzie blooper and open a chain of haunted houses inside maximum security prisons

  • change your name to floyd flavanoid and start a business installing slot machines inside funeral homes

  • change you name to kevin 'covid toes' johnson and become a rodeo clown

  • change your name to buxtehude von bingen and adapt the 90s film basic instinct into a children's saturday morning cartoon series

  • change your name to quartermaster hornthruster and build a life-sized 18th century whaling vessel in your backyard

  • change your name to lucretia banditshine and develop and market a bio-engineered line of woke cologne: the banditshine virtue signalling collection

  • change your name to chad oleander and move to austin, tx to found the world's first backwards film festival

  • change your name to bohampton rococo and open an antique store that specializes in 19th-century prosthetic limbs

  • change your name to cinnabon lyft and offer to give people a ride on your back to the nearest starbucks

  • change your name to travis mctravis and begin going door to door selling unofficial girl scout thin-mint scented face masks 

  • change your name to philoneous gastronomique and become a professional menu writer for upscale pretentious restaurants

  • change your name to boutros-boutros galileo and advance an africa-centric astronomy

  • change your name to chad tebo and reinvent yourself as a faux jamaican rapper

  • change your name to ernesto bobbins and indulge your newfound hobby of crashing high-school reunions 

  • change your name to helena handbasket and begin shouting "the british are coming!" from your rooftop at 4am

  • change your name to brash favorhoop and market a line of bizarre food products:

    • gibbons particle melts​

    • o'neil's chocolate bloopers

    • half-jackson banana leavings

    • pigs in a straightjacket

    • large hadron collider particle snaps

    • snap, crackle, disaster!

    • grandma's peanut butter dodecahedrons

    • blueberry squad anger juice

    • dunstable's coconut microagressions

    • hadley's confusion goo

    • nacho derivable bearevement clusters

    • nate's unconscionable oats ("there's no excusing this")

    • whatchamacovid

    • lockdownonios

    • o'connell's caramel coronavirus goo-goo clusters

    • urban isolation lunchables

    • urban blight flatbreads ("as flat as the chances of economic life ever returning to your city")

    • quarantine blasts ("a tart burst of lemony disinfectant that puckers your very soul")

    • bit-o-heiney/bit-o-honky

    • pol pot pie

    • serotonin reuptake inhibitor snaps

    • o'shaughnessy's virtue signalling pudding 

    • fuggetaboutit ("seven times denser than your average candy bar, and eleven times more likely to dislodge a tooth")

  • change your name to esterhaus fairweather and open a matchmaking app to place pet owners with pets called bark right

  • change your name to yobbo mctaggart and open a semi-nude lsd-fueled bungee jumping business in costa rica

  • change your name to tunkington cusp and run around telling every police officer you can find that you just witnessed a bear attack at whole foods

  • change your name to eduard openfold and market a line of war-/death-themed snack foods:

    • kaiser periscopes "30,000 kreigsmariners gave their lives so you could enjoy this"​

    • carpet bombers "these dense gobs of nougat and sharpnel will annihilate your hunger"

    • binky's nacho napalm poppers "21% more napalm than the leading brand"

    • lemon defenstration snaps "so good you'll leap to your death when you finish them!"

    • peter's old fashioned strangle loaf

  • change your name to quintin long-pyles and publish the cookbook101 delicious vending machine recipes, with delicacies like caramelized funyuns

  • change your name to trampoline hutchinson and become a one-man inxs cover band

  • change your name to portnoy and complain a lot

  • change your name to linkage dubois and spray yourself with a fine shark-scented mist before entering any room

  • change your name to feldspar gathercoal-day and organize a meditation retreat for sexbots

  • change your name to heinkel malancthia and start a semi-nude craft brewing concern. your first beer is the fabrics optional ipa: a fruity bethonged blend of juniper berries and crack sweat

  • change your name to thom thumb yorke and release a concept album about dating in a dystopia called okcomputercupid

  • change your name to constance evertwat and develop a fancy rustic gated communities and beach homes with names like taliban hideaway, infidel acres, laden's refuge, jihadi terrace, caliphate ridge

  • change your name to santiago lemonbroth and call everyone "shark soup"

  • change your name to sweetback briar and hire a band to follow you around and play your theme song whenever you walk into a room: a ska-tinged ditty w/ a rap break delivered in a jamaican patois that the average midwesterner can understand

  • change your name to booby lalauex and open a bikini car wash service staffed entirely by transgender sexbots

  • change your name to dj money esquire iii and open a dystopic version of disneyland, where every ride riffs on the idea of the decline of western civilization

  • change your name to dunstable elderflower and devote your life to writing hong kong phooey fan fiction

  • change your name to parker grovepoint and aspire to market the most unappetizing food items ever brought to market:

    • flavor shitters: "these tangy mofos take a big flavor dump in your mouth with each bite!"​

  • change your name to tommy lemonade and start a semi-nude 1940's big band: tommy lemonade and the semi-nude jumpin' jivers

  • change your name to odetta delacroix and write an award-winning cookbook where every recipe calls for a non-existent baking ingredient called reconstituted shard paste

  • change your name to lil' ill and write hip hop lyrics from the point of view of deadly viruses:

    • detect and infect 
      no time to reflect
      i hit a prime minister 
      you call it sinister
      tom hanks gives thanks to be breathing
      heard my rhymes he's still reeling
      got the world on the run
      each sneeze like bullets from a gun 
      if my beat makes you ill
      stay home and chill

  • change your name to monsignor ploppypants and write essays in praise of self-shittery

  • change your name to abbington abbatoir and form a pro-fascist dance band called abbington abbatoir and the high-kicking bastards

  • change your name to tincture jones, move to carrboro, and become a life coach who specializes in vesuvian mind wipes

  • change your name to winston pepperpots and form a semi-nude kite flying club

  • change your name to flavanoid brainchild and start a semi-nude dog walking service

  • change your name to ole! tarantula and become indignant when people leave out the "!" when writing your name

  • change your name to lil' 'thulu and write hp lovecraft-inspired hip hop songs:

    • "i be throwing eldritch rhymes to wrap around your mind. my rhyme is like a tentacle. your sanity is expendable. trap you in my fantasy."​your breakout hit is a duet with beyonce about the sunken city beneath the sea

  • change your name to jock o'hazeldean and form a semi-nude fife and drum corps

  • change your name to roscoe haltertop and win an oscar for your film montage of people dropping their cell phones into the toilet

  • change your name to vic virus and form a oi! punk band called the unwitting spreaders

  • change your name to tiger lilliputian and form a hootie and the blowfish cover band called tiger and the puffer fish

  • change your name to larkspur goforth and singlehandedly popularize the phrase "shoulder breath"

  • change your name to freddy turpentine and write a one-act play called the day day seth green and jonah hill stopped being fat

  • change your name to philomenia merryweather bong & market a line of bizarrely named snack foods: spastic spatula poppers, tantric nut busters

  • change your name to satchmo smith and start a primitive creole jazz band made up of retired white lawyers called hoochie coochie and the graveyard stompers

  • change your name to akiko wonderstuff and release a series of cutesy anime shorts that reenact iconic tragedies of the 20th century: jfk and mlk jr assassinations, challenger explosion, 911, etc.

  • change your name to bohampton bellows and write a self-help book for men called awaken the bastard within

  • change your name harry threadgill and market a line of offensive vietnam-war themed emojis: napalm facepalm, mai lai weepy face 

  • change your name to patton olegarch and pitch a show called origin story: every episode is an origin story so the plot never gets started and viewers never care about any of the characters 

  • change your name to oswego gonad and form a militant african vocal group called ladysmith black panther mambazo

  • change your name to corky montenegro and form a new wave band called the fauvist spleens. then fire everyone in the band and rebrand it as a protest folk group called turley montague and the goddamn fascist bastards

  • change your name to bonk! mcmillan and author a series of pret-tween semi-nude choose your own adventure books. no matter the reader's decision, the result involves semi-nudity. titles would be things like the thong of justice.

  • change your name to gustav nani and open a car repair place called gustavo's hardcore car care

  • change your name to andy firepants and record an album of radiohead songs sung in esperanto

  • change your name to eduoard breadfruit and start a long-haul trucking company staffed entirely by former circus clowns

  • change your name to bijoux mcswithins and stage a semi-nude amateur theatrical production of star wars

  • change your name to mums strikespring and form a slient new wave electro band called tokyo joe and the whisperbumps

  • change your name to giorgio jetson and insist on wearing a cap with a propeller on top

  • change your name to tuppert o'hare and become the world's first irish male douala

  • change your name to stank norman and open a turtle petting zoo

  • change your name to rupert fiona giles and start a hybrid steampunk/aborigine fashion craze

  • change your name to eco covinious and organize a series of "socratic meet and greets" in an abandoned school building on the outskirts of town

  • change your name to lark nightingale and form a middle-aged semi-nude boy band called semi-nude new-old direction

  • change your name to process reclamation unit and become the world's first steampunk didgeridoo player

  • change your name to jebediah pancreas and become a master craftsman of pornographic carved wood art

  • change your name to dexter barkbark and form a bon jovi/bon iver dance cover band called bon jiver

  • change your name to culkin o'flattery and open new york's first semi-nude irish bar, finnegan's grotto

  • change your name to dieter pockets and launch a fall fashion line of women's clothes called the schadenfreude collection, designed to be as unflattering as possible

  • change your name to bradly offenbach and start saying "not for all the gramophones in china!" whenever someone asks you to do something you don't want to do

  • change your name to winchester weatherly and found a summer camp for effeminate boys called camp queerwater

  • change your name to chazz bonaroo, launch a successful startup, and institute a mandatory workplace hackeysacking rule: all employees are issued a company fanny pack and hacksack, and must play at least one hour a week

  • change your name to geronimo sanchez and open a skydiving school for sexbots

  • change your name to nico iconic and form a 80's japanese goth cover band called sushi and the banshees

  • change your name to stackhouse strueddel and teach a self-defense course for sexbots

  • change your name to jehovax armitage trout and write a 1,000 page treatise in which you reassess the cultural significance of car chase music from 1970's detective films

  • change your name to chad bromide and reintroduce the member's only jacket as a fashion statement

  • change your name to junkets pinkerton and pull the fire alarm during your first day on the job

  • change your name to tarryweather faircloth and open a chain of haunted houses inside maximum security penitentiaries

  • change your name to dexter dunwich and open a restaurant in downtown durham called allergy. serve fussy vegan/food intolerance types unseasoned blocks of tofu but nail the mindful of dietary restrictions vibe so well that people find themselves returning for more.

  • change your name to archie stetson and write a hit broadway musical about eczema

  • change your name to tennyson bowie and teach your children an invented alphabet

  • change your name to frank toastershine and invent a machine that creates pizza out of nothing when you turn it on

  • change your name to waldo pinchminder, become a film historian, and claim to have discovered a lost marx brothers film, bullshit at the bolshoi

  • change your name to sweetwater sanchez and market a line of waterbeds for pets

  • change your name to tomahawk montague and open a combo daycare/ax throwing space

  • change your name to bottoms lundblad and introduce a men's cologne named mandrake bildgepump. "smell like dank water and own it."

  • change your name to john handcock and write the anti-holiday classic like hell it's christmas

  • change your name to tycho greyfist and write the relationship bestseller men are from mars, women are from kandahar province

  • change your name to quintin thurberbund and pitch a trio of sigmund freud-insptire tv shows:

    • ​a friends-themed sitcom about early viennese psychiatrists living together called freuds

    • a tv reboot of lord of the rings where the protagonist is a dwarven psychiatrist named freudo

    • a daytime game show with competing families of psychiatrists called family freud

  • rewrite the most popular stories of hp lovecraft, making the threat be that of smooth jazz: the smooth jazz shadow over innsmouth, the smooth jazz soothings out of space, the case of smooth jazz cat charles dexter ward, herbert west - smooth jazz reanimator. "the mad saxxers of azathoth played nothing but smooth jazz and to hear their soundless music meant insanity."

  • change your name to totten saunders and form a band named lincoln park, which sets the speeches of abraham lincoln to the music of linkin park. then form a side project named linkedin park, which does smooth corporate-rock adaptations of linkin park songs.

  • change your name to contra indicator and form a series of bizarre performance art punk bands:

    • taliban selfie​, where at every gig you take a hostage and live stream their decapitation

    • missing parsons, a bible-themed new wave band. (name later changed to prioryhead)

    • lint magnet, where you all wear lint-covered clothes and sing songs about laundry issues

    • a jihadi 80's pop band named talibananarama

  • change your name to finn frightmore and devote your life to trying to scare inanimate objects: "i made that table jump, did you see it?!"

  • change your name to fizz larkin and build a rocketship out of chia pets

  • change your name to robert arborbuckle and market a line of woke toys for boys: transgenders ("non-binary robots in the sky"), mighty gender morphing power ranger, gi joe/josephine, latinax teenage mutant ninja turtles

  • change your name to dandy warbucks and form a ne're do well punk band called trust fund. release a concept album entitled monopoly, where all the songs are about how great it is to be rich.

  • change your name to papa "buckles" hemhoffer and convince america's automotive industry be take a more honest approach to their t.v. commercials by lacing their ads with subliminal imagery: scenes of gleaming metallic pickup trucks cruising through rain soaked streets are intercut with fleeting images of erect cocks and fists pounding against slabs of meat; sleek sports cars curving gracefully along pacific coast highways are intercut with momentary images of brazilian waxed pussies, ruby red lipstick, blow jobs and dollar bills, etc. etc.

  • change your name to herbert van carryout and form an indie rock classical hybrid mozart quintent called camper van mozart

  • change your name to pussy riot and form a feminist punk band called weinstein walker

  • change your name to muscles pilkington and open a boxing gym for ghosts. "oh they're there in the ring boxing, you just can't see them."

  • change your name to pez beltran and form a cabaret group named pez beltran and the dark garlic sin eaters

  • change your name to franzetta tuttungian and become the greatest living director of pringles potato chip commercials the world has ever seen

  • change your name to larkspur onassis and start an uber competitor but using dirigibles instead of cars

  • change your name to prax golightly and open the first 7-eleven on an asteroid

  • change your name to barth thistledown and start an aggressively meat-positive home meal service called helloflesh!

  • change your name to portugal mcswoon and open a pet fish grooming service

  • change your name to frasca tenchpole and start endorsing your linkedin contacts for disturbing or corrosive areas of expertise: enhanced interrogation (aka "mood tuning"), black ops site management, social media hacks,  

  • change your name to citronella pattington-parker and open a restaurant for the instagram-obsessed called selfie. patrons choose an assortment of customized daily instagram filters to 'season' their dish. the waiter brings you a tablet to accompany meal so you can upload the image to your feed with the unique filter. it becomes all the rage and some regular patrons don't even eat the food, preferring only to curate their feed with the envy-inducing images. it catches on so thoroughly that soon restaurants are advertising for 'filter chefs' to join their team. goop lists your restaurant as one of it's ten best for 2020.

  • change your name to gaspar de fabrizio and form a decadent roman-themed art punk band called the caligula protocol

  • change your name to doubtfire le strange and release an album of ambient soundscapes entitled klezmer favorites from the 23rd century

  • change your name to faux cruddite and pioneer a new cinema verite using sexbots as the leads

  • change your name to oinks mcginty and open your own bleeding-edge cgi studio with a militant queer agenda. your first release is a flawless cgi recreation of john wayne in a homoerotic western called gobbler's knob. the estate of john wayne sues you but you're too wealthy to care and release your film for free online.

  • change your name to mums bartholomew and form a huey lewis cover band called huey lewis and the fake news

  • change your name to van ordinaire and start a theremin-based funk ensemble called bats babblesquander and the fappertronics

  • change your name to garth pursehouse and dedicate your life to throwing women off balconies

  • change your name to bats babblesquander and open a hip restaurant named gaze, where the floors, walls, ceilings, and tables are mirrored. the bathrooms are, too. motto: "for the narcissist in all of us."

  • change your name to garbagepants onassis and start an evangelical talking heads cover band called stop making sins 

  • change your name to faison bojangles and develop a robot songwriter fashioned after paul mccartney. it does nothing except write love songs, and is soon writing the best love songs humanity has ever heard

  • change your name to courtney boring and cultivate a new line of garden flowers that you name perineum favorites

  • change your name to creationist eventide and create a line of bespoke twitter bots: postmodern novelist bot, feminist meme bot, systems theory bot, and so on

  • change your name to fabrizio darkside and start a razzie awards show for the worst use of cgi in hollywood films

  • become a dj and perform under a variety of names all intended to trigger the woke demographic: 

    • dj white privilege​

    • dj maga

    • dj male gaze

    • dj cisgend

    • dj stop&frisk

  • change your name to teleport primrose and found the bobbins synthetic fruit collective, which even you are unclear of the purpose of

  • change your name to rider strong and open a surfing school on the sevastopol for russian troll bots

  • change your name to whims mimsy and market a line of absurdist s.a.t. test prep books:

    • based on the passage, the author's opinion on female circumcision is likely:​​​​

a) positive​

b) negative

c) undecided

d) the author does not know what circumcision is

e) all of the above

  • in the third paragraph, the boy's attitude about mollusks could best be summarized as:​​​

a) intrigued

b) frightened

c) ambivalent

d) loving

e) none of the above

  • change your name to otto 'larceny' jones and convince the us navy to construct an experimental vagina-shaped aircraft carrier

  • change your name to jonathan depp and form a hindu new wave funk collective called frankie goes to bollywood

  • change your name to spats oleander and open a funeral home where the bodies are laid out wearing brightly colored spandex

  • change your name to bijou bijoeux, become a queer studies researcher, then intentionally mispell "gender" as "gander" in an effort to "unpack assumed constructs of identity." write things like "gander-identity politics," "non-binary gander," and so on, insisting that your editors not alter it.

  • change your name to consuelo buranda and form a mime salsa band named consuelo and the afterthoughts

  • change your name to scallywag goknuckle, start a venture capital firm in wall street, and institute a pirate-themed office dress code

  • change your name to old sickly bastard and form a rap trio named the wuhan clan, then release the album license to ill, where all songs are about deadly viruses

  • change your name to el goucho le tart and open a restaurant that serves all its soups in chamber pots

  • change your name to osiris breadstalk and knit a line of punk rock sock puppets

  • change your name to sam riddimpole and buy a beach house that you name fuhrer's roost

  • change your name to patterson driftwood and become america's most popular poet of personal hygiene. titles like a pleasing scent and the joy of sufficiently ventilated public transport establish your mastery of the subject, selling millions of copies. old spice, dove, and gillette hire you to bring a poetic touch to their ad copy. soon, personal hygiene ads across america are outdoing one another in bids for poetic flourish. the norton anthology of perspiration poetry is published and becomes mandatory reading in college-level english. you launch your own line of men's cologne, the driftwood collection, which is endorsed by the academy of american poets.

  • change your name to velocity crescent, move to costa rica, and lead lsd-fuelled bungee jumping extreme sport excursions

  • change your name to buttons barrett and forma a clown-based pink floyd tribute band called prank floyd

  • change your name to pinkie sangria and form a mime football team that qualifies to play in the nfl

  • change your name to terry tee and open a steak joint called terry's upchuck house

  • change your name to jackson momo and stage a one-man play that re-enacts every episode of the real-time espionage show 24

  • change your name to dyad skyfarer and start an online dating site for pets

  • change your name to amy sedatious and publish an alternate-history coffee table book called sexbots of the antebellum south

  • change your name to romeo starkweather and teach a self-defense class for plants

  • change your name to "sutures" smith and specialize in hostage re-escalation. "oh shit, he's letting the hostage go. sutures, get in there and antagonize him!"

  • change your name to gran mal and convince george lucas to make an animated star wars show starring chewbaca mom

  • change your name to tench otterpaw and form a black power-themed beach boys cover band. somehow, it just works.

  • change your name to colefax espinoza and open a hip brooklyn cafe for breatharians. artisinal oxygen is on the menu.

  • change your name to harold warsurrender and start a wwii-themed ice cream parlor, with photos of period weapons, and each flavor is named after decisive battles. "i'd like two scoops of battle of the bulge and one of normandy beach. with a sprinkling of pearl harbor."

  • change your name to otto prefecture and start the world's first developmentally differently-abled space force

  • change your name to blanche a la carte and start a heavy metal thompson twins cover band

  • change your name to tom swift and invent the world's first robot teen idol: james dean v2.0 stars in rebel without a social media following

  • change your name to saboot toochi and popularize a hyrid music genre of doo wop and trap

  • change your name to scupper culthorpe and turn your work cube into a lighthouse

  • change your name to arsenio dockside start a late night talk show for robots. "up next, model x-11j57 tells us all about its servo upgrades!"

  • change your name excelsio muchado and teach a meringue class for sexbots

  • change your name to beta otaku and commission japan's most famous artist to create a manga comic about your own life

  • change your name to orion sandlewood and donate billions to george lucas's favorite charity on the condition that lucasarts makes a spin off jar-jar binks movie with you as one of the lead characters

  • change your name to becca wilcox, move to chapel hill, and start a lesbian soccer mom podcast

  • change your name to yoinks mcginty and hack all roadside billboards in america to display photos of hummingbirds

  • change your name to billings patently and devote your entire life to categorizing itches. rejoice when your life's crowing achievement is accomplished: publication of the big book of itches

  • change your name to tau-tau, move to downtown durham, and open a woke donut shop that serves donuts that challenge the patriarchy

  • change your name to cutter nightshade a publish a collection of poetic odes to porn movies: 
     

girl on lawn languishes with desire
hot wax on dank ass
screen on fire
red eyes, blue dawn

nightshade nurses are doin' it for themselves

rocco stifforia makes the scene at the car wash

twenty three more mouse clicks makes everything all right
 

  • change your name to jehovax gabbersquand and begin selling girl scout stogies door to door

  • change your name to smithers mcgooch and begin publishing defenestration review: the world's only journal devoted to the topic of hurling people out windows

  • change your name to st. john pettigrew and open a service that provides a.i. ghost writing services to authors

  • change your name to mao st. pierre, become a world-famous balladeer, and release a grammy-award winning album of ballads called do i have your consent to fall in love?

  • change your name to roscoe funkbatt, move to seattle, and become a dealer in jailbroken sexbots. "unlock a new world of pleasure when you disable the safety mechanisms."

  • change your name to bentley moreshower and start a little league hockey team for ghosts

  • change your name to eunice breadsnort and pitch a reboot of classic british novels with sexbots as the protagonists: sexbots and sensibility, wuthering sexbots, pride and prejudice and sexbots, far from the madding crowd (of sexbots), jude the obscure (sexbot), great sexbot expectations

  • change your name bash st. tarkington, move to l.a., and become a successful virginity repair surgeon

  • change your name to binky microcosm and pitch a snarky animated comedy called biden his time, about hunter biden, the hapless under-qualified rich kid who continually stumbles into high paying opportunities that he knows basically nothing about

  • change your name to mims prefab and invent the gender-reassignment burger, a tasty synthetic meat product that speeds up the gender transition process. known as the "trans burger," it's an instant hit.

  • change your name to jehovax trunktooth and market a gourmet snack with unknown ingredients named candied jehovax sass

  • change your name to lady harpsichord, move to downtown durham, and open a pet grooming service for robot pets

  • change your name to aloysius jackson, self identify as african american, and insist you are the secret 6th member of the jackson 5

  • change your name to oleg fatumpfbarrel and open the world's most complete toilet museum in the small town in which you live

  • change your name to portnoy sanchez, move to brooklyn, and start the world's first rotisserie kraken foodtruck

  • change your name to krugman and start an online review site called meta yelp devoted to user reviews of user reviews

  • change your name to yelps turwelliver and discover how to make music that defies the natural law of time, completing  instantaneously while offering a beginning, middle, and end. in this way, a 15-minute piece appears and vanishes within an instant. audiences drive for hours to spend only a few seconds listening to a full evening's music in their seats. an after-hours dance party lasts approximately seven seconds.

  • change your name to ashfont binomial and form a post-modern theoretical guns and roses cover band called appetite for deconstruction

  • change your name to peter principled and start a tasteful erotica site for fishmongers called sardines and lace

  • change your name to paris marx, move to san francisco, and begin hosting nihilist sex parties in homeless shelters

  • change your name to prax zither and open the world's first museum of art painted by robots

  • change your name to ernst rotter and form the world's first punk band fronted by a sexbot, o pleasureful o

  • change your name to chauncy goforth, inherit a modest sum from an aunt, retire to winesburg, ohio, and spend the rest of your days writing ronald mcdonald fan fiction

  • change your name to mims whimsy and open up a hip eatery called splat!, named for the sound the food makes upon impact when the chef hurls it from the kitchen onto the serving plate on your table. patrons must sign a waiver releasing the restaurant from any responsibility for missed throws.

  • change your name to binky tangible, move to hollywood, and make millions writing neo-con rom coms

  • change your name to archie tunnels and program an a.i. to write better love songs than human beings

  • change your name to phillipa groper and hire yourself out to hollywood studios as an intimacy coordinator

  • change your name to lowden loudermilk, move to l.a., and become a sought-after surgeon who specializes in armpit implants

  • change your name to mums gandermilk and form a beatles cover band cover band, and insist you are covering the cover versions of the original songs

  • change your name to quincy sludge and become a dance instructor of mid-80s robo synth pop moves

  • change your name to gertrude dammeron and dress like a viking on casual fridays

  • change your name to wompum fan-fan and open a bagel shack right outside a max security federal prison

  • change your name to skyhawk gunderson and become a therapist for drones

  • change your name to chase bivouac and set up a lemonade stand inside of a busy public urinal. slogan: "nothing wasted"

  • change your name to henry quasar and self-identify as a faun, convincing your socially progressive tech employers to officially recognize you as such as part of their inclusiveness policy 

  • change your name to the aritst formerly known as jospeh goebbels and open a dance club called dresden sex beat, and launch an elecroclash side project called the belsen pleasure initiative

  • change your name to garth winkle and open a sex club that caters to patrons with a root canal fetish

  • change your name to ignacio tenderloin, move to manhattan, and open a pet sitting service that caters to gender-neutral pets

  • change your name to dinky dao and cultivate a new hobby of listening to an audiobook while simultaneously watching the movie adaptation

  • change your name to patterson van ronk and dress like a tennis coach in 1979

  • change your name to habberdasher frondley  and insist that in your latest dreams you are reminded of earlier dreams you dreamt in years past

  • change your name to maurice garteroil and open the world's first restaurant where all the food is cgi. it would be called special fx and prices would be based on the complexity of the image rendering for each menu item.

  • change your name to johnny iguana and start calling people "dinosaur brains"

  • change your name to luongo jones. wear a sherrif's tin star and walk around deputizing people at random.

  • change your name to brad undershark and market a line of bio-engineered bro-dude cologne called wingman. "boost your chance of getting laid by 18.37%!" 

  • change your name to urban space junk, move to detroit, and form a conceptual do-wop group called the hollywood argyles

  • change your name to freedy bonilla and open a driver-thru lingerie/ammunition store in downtown durham

  • change your name to carson cullpepper and found the journal backscratcher quarterly: the journal of unreachable personal itches

  • change your name to mandrake bilgepump and become a post-organic dj who makes music for young people with angular haircuts who frequent vertical urban spaces

  • change your name to skyshawk gunderson and convince people they can fly

  • change your name to ingrid von meadowlark and found a summer mindfulness program for kids called concentration camp. motto "your final solution for mindfulness!"

  • change your name to nipper tandy and carry a flask of unknown liquid with you everywhere you go, then wink at people as you pull it from your coat pocket

  • change your name to pharrel st. williams and produce a reality show that the cast thinks is faked but that is actually real

  • change your name to vivian diaspora and form an all-female climate change protest punk band called thunberg death ray

  • change your name to sizzy g and open a politically correct halloween costume shop

  • change your name to spats hegweloire and become a one-man beastie boys cover band called beastie boy

  • change your name to franklinton feathertester and found the center for applied apathy

  • change your name to chelsea warmaker and open a dayspa/gun range for republican housewives

  • change your name to avastio hornswaddle and open a pirate-themed sex club called dead man's blowjob

  • change your name to nancy 'jazz pencils' spoonbringer and write award-winning poems about no longer being relevant to your own context

  • change your name to suzi vatican and form the world's first papal punk band

  • change your name to oleg fahtumpf, move to brooklyn, and open a restaurant for breatharians called gravy tiger

  • change your name to chimera angelis, set up shop on io, and keep company with a cadre of venusian illusionists

  • change your name to strikespring wayfarer, move to tokyo, and develop a line of sexbots for asexuals

  • change your name to roger ruskinsphere and start a stock photo website that only sells photos of people being beheaded

  • change your name to garth wellington and form a covers band called at a moment's notice that specializes in smooth sounds for corporate events

  • change your name to limon esquevel and make it your mission to become more culturarly irrelevant than a chubby 55 year old white data middle manager

  • change your name to roger crikey and develop a line of breakfast foods named after deadly volcanoes: krakatoa flakes, vesuvius crunch, st. helen's surprise, etc.

  • change your name to ernst favicon and insist on wearing a pink felt tracksuit with the words 'fat bitch' stenciled in gold on the back

  • change your name to artemis honeybuckle, move to los angeles, and open a pilates studio for sex bots

  • change your name to buckleheim 'earwagon' escanscio and pen the cautionary tale of your generation, entitled 24 hour potty people

  • change your name to reginald bitters, move to tokyo, and become a successful lawyer who specializes in human-sexbot divorces

  • change your name to spotnitz von gundershake, move to london, and open a stripclub on a helium-filled dirigible that floats 500 feet above the city

  • change your name to thrushgood thurwell and devote your life to writing fan fiction for uncredited extras in tv shows

  • change your name to bob blob and helm a reboot of friends but with a cast of hunchbacks

  • change your name to garth mandrake and convince disney to open a guantanamo bay themed amusement ride

  • change your name to sir funk rat and invent a style of music called banana jazz

  • change your name to prelox dodecahedron, move to sedona, and start a festival to rival coachella called the throng in a thong fest

  • change your name to poppy van pipsqueak and manage an all-girl group of seniors called the old spice girls

  • change your name to chauncey pullover, take a vow of silence, and move to portland to become a radio host

  • change your name to thortch starkweather and market a line of prank clothing: bathing suits that dissolve after being remotely triggered, pants that constrict violently at a pre-designated time, boots that refuse to unlace, thongs that embed themselves and cannot be removed, etc.

  • change your name to hawk osprey and introduce a line of vegetable-themed body modifications: carrot eyes, kale cheeks, etc.

  • change your name to happenstance polenta, move to miami, and open arf!, an art gallery for dogs

  • change your name to carson culpepper and write a line of spiritual self-help books for frat boys, with titles like how to play beer pong like a zen monk

  • change your name to hr vespertine and donate millions to duke hospital under the condition that it change its name to queerwater hospital

  • change your name to okatu dendrite and start a youtube channel for unboxing the latest haul of sleek designer sexbots

  • change your name to cranium wrex and spend millions on voluntary facial reconstruction surgery to resemble your favorite anime character

  • change your name to fante embarkadero, move to brooklyn, and become that writing tutor who convinces precocious pre-teens that the world needs to read their memoir

  • change your name to roscoe schwitters and form a nazi doo-wop group

  • change your name to sensei espinoza and market a snack food called aluminum blasts

  • change your name to kitty vesuvius, move to seattle, and found a company called artisinal minimalist narrative. what it does is unclear, but with the motto "cultivating authentic lived-in experiences," investors are clamoring to fund it. upon hearing the name, gwyneth paltrow buys a majority share for $68 million. soon the yelp reviews begin pouring in: "i felt so validated when i bought their lavendar something-or-other for my tiny airbnb house."

  • change your name to david sandborn, move to la, and become a sought-after session musician making music for people who don't really enjoy music

  • change your name to diablo cody, move to manhattan, and do absolutely nothing

  • change your name to ogden palimpsest and open a flower store for robots

  • change your name to stortch masterson and start a restaurant chain called the philly cheesesteak factory

  • change your name to humidor sansa, move to carrboro, and start a food truck that sells meat-based plant products

  • change your name to genesis p orridge and start a reality show called embalming with the stars

  • change your name to philodeaux and pen a year-end feature for people magazine called 'remembering all the celebrity stalkers we lost in 2019'

  • change your name to phil ingleblank and undertake a quixotic mission to reunite all the stray pubic hairs you see in public urinals with their original owners

  • change your name to horst mccracken, move to portland, and open a semi-nude whaling museum/bike shop

  • change your name to chance nevermore, move to manhattan, and form a 911-themed funk band called the mohamed atta funk projekt

  • change your name to chad von bismarck, grow a handlebar mustache, move to durham, and open a craft brewery called sweet adolphus piss factory

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and adopt all the crispr babies you can find

  • change your name to esterhauz bingeworthy and open a store that only sells jihadi-themed memes on  bumper stickers and t-shirts

  • change your name to lizzie heretofore and market a food product called the uncertain burger: "what's in it? the heck if we know!"

  • change your name to covington barkshark and open a detective agency that helps schizophrenics investigate themselves

  • change your name to phinneas sweltercoil, move to portland, and make it your mission to get all 30-something earnest record store clerk-type dudes obsessed with becoming lighthouse keepers

  • change your name to chase la face and form a boy band for the right-wing post-roe v wade supreme court era: the backalley boys

  • change your name to binky von slathermilk and manage an all-cgi boys band called the green screen boyz

  • change your name to sorrel lightfoot and become a detective who hunts down missing socks in order to reunite them with their estranged sibling

  • change your name to chase van brockenstein and open a hipster eatery called urinal. a giant bathroom where the diners consume their meals inside bathroom stalls.

  • change your name to terrence grotesque, move to washington, and beat npr at their own game by starting the microscopic desk concert performance series. viewers must purchase lab-grade microscopes and military-grade microphones in order to view and hear them. 

  • change your name to epidril mandlehupf, move to san francisco, and open a hair-themed ice cream parlor: butterscotch toupee, dreadlock coffee crunch, mohawk sherbet, etc

  • change your name to zoe starshine, move to chapel hill, and teach a community course for uptight white liberals called 101 ways to signal cultural authenticity

  • change your name to cupertino longshanks and write a hit broadway musical about child abuse

  • change your name to name to ramona nevermore and open an edgar allen poe-themed ice cream parlor

  • change your name to oscar tidewell and open an hp lovecraft-inspired bagel place. "that eldritch, otherworldly, vaguely racist bagel place that's got everyone talking."

  • change your name to oscar impressario and start an advice column called ask a salty disabled bricklayer

  • change your name to lizzy sage and launch a line of emergency medical-themed desserts: chocolate chest wound, amputation pops, etc.

  • change your name to buttons cheshire and open a men's clothing store called ack! ack!

  • insist that people refer to you as "the earl of pancake"

  • change your name to ludovico tarryweather and attempt to convince people that we are all living underwater but don't realize it

  • change your name to lord quintin esquivel and found the society for the avoidance of premature burial

  • change your name to chaz stewart and start referring to your work cubicle as evac pod cr-7

  • change your name to huggie mountebatton and open a starfish petting zoo

  • change your name to daisy crazybones and join the circus as a human cannon

  • change your name to fred fogarth and continue to harass bob dylan for going electric in 1965. show up at his concerts with protest signs ("judas!" "remember newport!") and write acerbically angry blog posts.

  • change your name to deacon flavorpencil and write a travel guide for social media obsessives called europe on three tweets a day

  • insist on being referred to as "the honorific lord prat"

  • change your name to ernst favicon and reform 80s boy bands as left-wing protest groups: backstreet protest boys, boyz ii woke men, new antifa direction

  • change your name to guido lovebone and produce a series of lovecraftian porn movies: reacharound from the elder gods, the kinky shadow over innsmouth, bj from beyond, libido reanimator

  • change your name to chaz manson, move to seattle, and start the wholly nonsensical 'kill fabian' movement

  • change your name to courtney anklebracelet and get yourself sent to jail for impersonating a drag version of david sedaris

  • change your name to francois roland, become the foremost intellectual of your time, then begin including quotes from episodes of he-man: masters of the universe and she-ra in your books, talks, and papers. you are so influential that the intellectual community begins reappraising both cartoons and taking them seriously.

  • change your name to rip torn and market yourself as a master painting restorer, then botch every job you are given by using crayon

  • change your name to olive jackson and greenlight a psychiatric soap opera called the jung and the restless

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and create a social media firestorm by writing an alternate reality sci-fi short story that inverts america's white appropriation of black artists. little richard rips off pat boone. public enemy rips off the beastie boys. prince rips off george michael, etc. the premise being that elvis's iconic 1950s television performance signals go from earth to a black hole and are re-echoed back 2,000 years earlier. the title of the story? black to the future.

  • change your name to hiroshima dan and found the center for applied ignorance

  • change your name to escargot saint despina and change your linkedin job description to "unreliable narrator"

  • change your name to reginald barkshark and refer to your home office as "the cunted circus"

  • change your name to morty king and launch an online streaming tv service that only shows blacklisted tv episodes that were removed for not being woke enough, like the blackface 30 rock episodes

  • change your name to queen kinkaid and cultivate a $2,000 meth addiction

  • change your name to arby threadgill and launch the hypnotist fishing show, where you hypnotize them and convince them to leap into your boat

  • change your name to bell shook and popularize the job of corporate sensitivity reader, where you proof all corporate communications to not trigger snowflakes

  • change your name cruz sharktank and begin wearing a 1970s leisure suit in public and encouraging people to "do the hustle!" while you dance in place beside them

  • change your name to 'the irish pharaoh" and open an bar for onanists called the masturbatorium

  • change your name to x34 and have all your teeth removed "for the sake of science"

  • change your name to ignacio tenderloin, become a professional boxer for 25 years, then retire and open an eatery called knuckle sandwich

  • change your name to rip torn and open up a kid's ice cream parlor called caligula's

  • change your name to beckwith tinderpoove and become a senior fellow at the center for applied vapidity

  • change your name to freckles breckenstein, move to tokyo, and become a sexbot repair technician

  • change your name to dj brew haha and open an electro disco brewery called draft punk

  • change your name to d'nousouza x and open an online school that teaches urban authenticity signaling skills to creative class whites who are among the first to gentrify urban neighborhoods. sample lessons: "skinny white dude, wearing that wu tang t-shirt makes you look like you're trying too hard. and stop name dropping that you have rapper's delight on the original 12" vinyl pressing. it won't work."

  • change your name to dj loose stool. create your own tagline: "you'll lose your shit when i drop my beats"

  • change your name to emerson trout and comport yourself as you imagine a southern man of letters would

  • change your name to chauncey trebuchet and walk around launching frozen peas at people from a plastic spoon

  • change your name to stig blighter and insist you were the one who invented punk

  • change your name to coco robespierre and write a self-help book about learning to not give a shit

  • change your name to velocity crescent and write caligula/thor fan fiction

  • change your name to ixnay ixnay rhumbumba and lead an all-trans 1920's latin big band on a norwegian cruise ship

  • change your name to jacques chanterelle and teach a sexbot cpr class at your local ymca. mandatory for all lifeguards and sex workers. all camp counselors are trained in it. restaurants have heimlich maneuver for sexbots posters posted. sexbots will eventually be equipped with defibrillators in case the human has a heart attack during sex

  • change your name to inky darkweed, move to seattle, and become an afterlife coach. "helping the dead be their best possible self."

  • change your name to shark cruelskin and become a shady dealer in jailbroken sex bots

  • change your name to big boi and insist on wearing a diaper in public. tell people you self-identify as infant.

  • change your name to ogden palimpsest and only date poets named govinda consuelo

  • change your name to skatch thrilljockey and open radio station that only hires stuttering djs

  • change your name to roscoe defenestrator and become professionally trained in hurling people out of windows. 

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and call everyone “butt mump”

  • change your name to charlemagne espinosa and hold yourself out as an etsy trending expert

  • change your name to binky nesbit and form a horror funk band called the blair witch funk project

  • change your name to corky montenegro and become a car alarm impersonator

  • change your name to lvez and make a living impersonating elvis impersonators

  • change your name to ernst favicon and introduce a line of lsd-laced bubblegum

  • change your name to cavendish praxley and front a band called slut priest

  • change your name to rubric arrow and become a movie director known for having all characters chewing gum in every scene

  • change your name to leon fingerbang and open a semi-nude seafood restaurant

  • change your name to courtney octagon and teach teenage girls how to drag race down main street in customized muscle cars

  • change your name to quentin queefstream and become a semi-nude theater critic

  • change your name to e praxley goombah and found the society for the preservation of page boy haircuts

  • change your name to bogo jazzhands and become a mime rapper

  • change your name to buzzby and tell people you come from hot piss springs, arizona

  • change your name to falcon van papsmear and fashion yourself as a semi-nude aide de camp

  • change your name to hortense shychild and become a semi-nude dealer of illegal arms

  • change your name to boopsie rappaport and open a pet grooming service that caters to transgender pets

  • change your name to contra-contra indicator

  • change your name to miami silence machine and start a latin mime percussion quintet

  • change your name rad and become an upstart rockstar chef who insists on serving chicken breasts in a bra

  • change your name to cubist nightshade and become a surrealist heckler

  • change your name to andy ellipses and refuse to complete a thought

  • change your name to leopold slaughter and open a daycare called slaughter daycare

  • change your name to artemis boscage and proclaim aloud at work to anyone within earshot your love of impractical knowledge

  • change your name to harwell trasher von blightbluff and open a  tobacco and beard grooming shop for ghosts

  • change your name to steamgrass hottentwat and become a dealer of obscene antiquities

  • change your name to dr reed morpheus and launch a kickstarter to fund a mutant research lab

  • change your name to thorston mudgarde and start a semi-nude welding business in seattle

  • change your name to skyclad firefall and found a semi-nude music festival called thongaroo

  • change your name to fabioso callibrisi and become a director of gay albino italian midget  porn

  • change your name to ozark threadgill and start a semi-nude back-to-the-land movement

  • change your name to rocco praetorious and become a kinky isis commander

  • change your name to briggs clinco and enroll in law school to learn to play the bongos

  • change your name to hegwellier cesspool and become the world's first blind porn star

  • change your name to proust fairlane and found a school for semi-nude poets

  • change your name to jacadranda crotchrobbin and join ladysmith black mambazo as their first white, semi-nude member. after five years, they let you play tambourine.

  • change your name to chad smith and hire yourself out as a professional white apologist: "hi, i'm chad, the white reparations guy. what white sins do you need me to atone for?"

  • change your name to swithins st. swithins and become the manager/svengali of an all-sexbot girls 'tween group called the cherry cats

  • change your name to chaz abercrombie and hand out business cards that refer to you as "the abercrombie of twat"

  • change your name to whitbeck dairyrimple and open the first strip club in the seattle autonomous zone

  • change your name to chaz mcnab and open the el rodeo social club for bikers and gentlemen in carrboro

  • change your name to roscoe tiddlywinks and create a time machine that loops your existence to only occur during season one of buffy the vampire slayer

  • change your name to rosewood tinderblock and found a political thinktank staffed by children

  • change your name to snacky daddy mcguire and market a musk-scented cologne to aspiring silicon valley visionaries called elon

  • change your name to slut elf and become a cosplay porn star

  • change your name to peter sharpthwoop and get a job with the bill and melinda gates foundation, then fill your work-assigned laptop with google searches and web links about adolf hitler

  • change your name to franklin butternuts and convince the estate of charles schultz to let you reboot peanuts as a racy adult cartoon

  • change your name to silas cowbell and become a semi-nude pig farmer

  • insist that your family refer to you as "sergeant huffleplump" every other saturday

  • change your name to babs cavanaugh and form a trans punk band called swastika grrls

  • change your name to mums aumber and begin using the term "panglossian" in daily conversation

  • change your name to chaz berkowitz and form p.e.t.a. - people for the ethical treatment of androids

  • change your name to gonad oswego and manufacture a line of arianna huffington sexbots

  • change your name to hawkwind abercrombie and author a series of books for at-risk youth: the what i learned in juvie series

  • change your name to chaz golightly and hand out business card that read "professional sociopathich vivisectionist"

  • change your name to mimsy schadenfreude  and start a sex-positive blog offering sex party and orgy advice in the age of covid

  • change your name to winston welch and convince alfred a knopf to publish your detailed dairy of every defecation you've had between the ages of 30 through 70

  • change your name to roget antennioni and move to a town called correctionville

  • change your name to fatso huffnpuff and wear bright pink tracksuits at all times

  • change your name to hot frankz and move to berkeley, ca, dress like a 19th-century suffragette and campaign for women's right to vote, refusing to believe that such a right exists

  • change your name to jenkins crabapple and mutter "stay the hell off my lawn" to everyone within earshot

  • change your name to chaz thirstmaster and open a house swapping service for cannibals

  • change your name to buttons abbattoir and walk around saying "i told you so!" to people's faces

  • change your name to chaz dendrite and hire yourself to corporate functions as a jazz harpsichordist

  • change your name to toots diapsora and become a wandering jazz flautist

  • change your name to nickels bartholomew and create a dating app for showbiz parents

  • change your name to lance bottoms and begin grooming your children for a life in the circus

  • change your name to steely dan and call everyone at work "jazz cat"

  • change your name to peter dempsy and utter "i blame the 4th-century visigoths" whenever anything goes wrong

  • change your name to nighthawk esperanzo and describe yourself as "a charming little ratfuck of a man"

  • change your name to tycho melancholia and insist that a rogue planet is on a collision course with earth

  • change your name to bartholomew tindercusp and launch a dating app for onanists with the tagline "let someone else lend a hand for a change"

  • change your name to bryce juniper and open a bikini carwash in miami staffed entirely by middle-aged men

  • change your name to methane man and write raps about farting

  • change your name to parker hubblestomp and become a senior exec at hbo responsible for a reboot of the odd couple starring amy cooper and christian cooper as ludicrously mismatched roommates. every episode ends with her making a bogus 911 call when they can't resolve their differences.

  • change your name to kermufflehedron and insist you are a forest gnome in disguise and a granter of wishes

  • change your name to x and open a chain of jiffy gender lubes. pull in as a conservative cis white male. pull out as a wokeaf trans latinax.

  • change your name to boopsie savage and begin wearing suspenders with no shirt

  • change your name to mumenshanz bildersnap and exclaim "eureka!" when anything at all happens

  • change your name to tuppence mcdinkins and lead a movement in hollywood to give leading man roles in blockbuster movies to midgets

  • change your name to swithins mcwinkle and sell hand-embroidered colostomy bags on etsy

  • change your name to giles hufferpump and whistle a bicycle built for two constantly in your work cubicle

  • change your name to courtney adjudicator and stage a one-woman theatrical production of judge dredd

  • change your name to lester stillwell and hire yourself out as the gay best friend who delivers pithy one-liners

  • change your name to eustace crackerbarrel and open a granola store that also sells handguns

  • change your name to britanny umbilical and become a pop starlet for infants

  • change your name to chaz gump and photoshop yourself into famous scenes in history

  • change your name to chaz chancealot and hand out business cards that offer your services as an "anything can happen man"

  • change your name to chaz rasputin and offer your services as a vaguely malevolent aide-de-camp

  • change your name to chaz monsoon and become a bollywood music video director in memphis, tn

  • change your name to freedy gherkin and stage an all-male theatrical production of laverne and shirley

  • rename your children kitty islam binky gravclaw

  • change your name to jehovax loblolly and become a male midwife

  • change your name to finn gershwin and write ham-handed cover songs using topical lyrics: 

    • "​her name was lola, she was infected. spewing droplets in the air, passing sickness everywhere. at the covid, covid cabana. where quarantine ain't gonna happen"

    • "i'm on the pavement self-policing everything. the cops won't work 'cuz the libtards pulled the funding. look out kid better keep your views hid. god knows when but you'll be cancelled again."

    • "roxanne. you don't have to troll that cisgen man tonight. those days are over, you don't have to tweet to show you're right."

  • change your name to tony enzyme and become a drug dealer who distills the essence of fog into highly addictive fog injectors and sells them on the street

  • change your name to chaz guiccione and launch a series of tasteful antifa erotica sites

  • change your name to pips vandercloth and start a fashion revolution in men's pubic grooming

  • change your name to gwyneth paltry and become a professional gwyneth paltrow impersonator

  • change your name to porkins van ness and become the first middle-aged man to attend college on a cheerleading scholarship

  • change your name to dandy hotpants and dance at parties where no music is playing

  • change your name to prax nightwing and market a daily supplement power called vitawoke. one spoonful gives you all the essential wokeness you need to make it through the day without displaying white privilege. 

  • change your name to gunther jackson and form a white supremacist funk band called josef goebbels panty raid

  • change your name to jehovax and campaign hollywood to create the world's first semi-nude superhero movie

  • change your name to leopold foxtrot and become a semi-nude chess grandmaster

  • change your name to doyle vandenburg and instead of walking, hold your arms out like wings and make airplane noises

  • change your name to thortch clusterhawk and stage a one-man diy revival of gilligans island

  • name your first child usb 2.0 and your second child usb 3.0

  • change your name to hattie ledbetter and open a semi-nude underground railroad

  • change your name to portly fiendish and launch a journal called necrophiliac quarterly

  • change your name to scupper greythorpe and begin dressing like a 19th century whaling captain

  • name your next child shiny batchain puller

  • change your name to chaz biopic and write screenplays for biopics of the strangers who live in your apartment building

  • change your name to chaz thirstmaster and attempt to market kool aid to a new generation

  • change your name to buttons golightly, move to tokyo, and open a clinic that treats sexbots that have ptsd

  • change your name to brill swillinger and found a brining meetup group 

  • change your name to stig hegweliore and form an amputee metal band

  • change your name to wafer strikespring and create an virtual dentistry mmo video game

  • change your name to tench fenderstein and become a food court critic for the ny times

  • change your name to phinneas sherpa and form a street gang for young men who lisp called the embarkadero cruisers

  • change your name to tito st. germaine and become a sexbot pimp

  • change your name to viva saint asptertaine and become a semi-nude mountain climber

  • change your name to bosco laqueef and open a vegan bbq joint in baton rouge

  • change your name to pinky carruthers and claim to be part of an elite international crime-fighting cadre

  • change your name to chad nomad and open a travel agency for bros

  • change your name to caligula sanchez and open a roman themed brothel in tijuana 

  • change your name to pip vandercloth and develop a neitzshe themed line of pop-up ads

  • change your name to mee-maw warhol and manage a series of impossibly strange indie bands:

    • chazz princox and his forthright bi-sexuals

    • rod mammary and his just say yes to titties blues band

    • patterson areola and the cleavage minders

    • bris kumbaya and the foreskin humps

    • stig landswell and the particle mumps

    • suzy gigglewatt and the transgender asian bitches

    • ernst newborn and the luxury apathetics

    • vesuvius gaucho and the machine learners (formerly: what of saintly logic?)

    • the van dyke entanglement brigade

  • change your name to stig dinkweller and usher in a series of impossible dances:​

    • the panglossian tuck n’ strut

    • new steampunk dance craze: the leaky rivet strut

    • the fortified embankment (for people who prefer to stand still)

    • the consternation dirigible

    • the over-caffeinated waitress

    • the distressed asset (2008 edition)

    • the anti-gravity rickshaw

  • change your name to freckles breckenstein but insist that people call you rainbow chucklefist​

  • change your name to aspertine nightshade and form a facebook group for people who are fond of poisoning others

  • change your name to hampton del ray and invent a time machine and send a squad of las vegas hookers back in time to keep adolf hitler so sexed up that he doesn't have time to rise to power

  • change your name to a bell is a cup until it is struck and start referring to yourself as "a poop-stained failure"

  • change your name to dingo quandrangis but then immediately change it to frank ironsides

  • change your name to oopsie baba seeba and found an ashram devoted to playing video games

  • change your name to mystique bonaroo and market a line of fine-art erotica face masks

  • change your name to edenton shittalker and begin accusing long-dead historical figures of sexual harassment: "i was date raped by joan of arc. alexander hamilton didn't respect that no means no."

  • change your name to francois pugilist and develop a series of absurdist derivative tv shows: the big gang bang theory, disparate housewives, true defective

  • change your name to binomial asperg and open a chaing of self-cook restaurants called diy where patrons must bring their own ingredients, prepare their own meals, and clean up. they are still charged for the meal. hipsters flock to it. "as authentic as it gets!" they extol. "tastes just like home cooking." "ushering in the new generation of non-exploitative restaurants."

  • change your name to egberto and approach women in bars with the line "yo bitch, i'mma infiltrate all up in yo egg sack" and never go home alone at night ever again

  • change your name to gobbo bobsmack and direct a remake of the matrix set inside a nursery school 

  • change your name to cosmo mcswain and teach piano to dogs

  • change your name to brill swillager and open a punk club that caters to trombone players

  • change your name to brambles sweetcrack and become an absent-minded stripper/hobo in the seattle autonomous zone

  • change your name to perth peters and open a daycare for gender-neutral kids in carrboro

  • change your name to binky petersburg and beat up everyone who you see eating in public

  • change your name to courtney changbang and lead the hobo found music movement for teenage girls

  • change your name to squeaks eagleclown and refer to your penis as "the shockheaded peter"

  • change your name to teddy birkenstock and form a band called better than ezra pound

  • change your name to oleander meadowlark and found a blind kite flying meetup group

  • change your name to arthur jackson but tell people "my friends call me 'coconut testicals' when you meet them

  • change your name to pel mel bushwick and start referring to yourself as an "unmade bed of a man"

  • change your name to sweetbriar shandy and open a daycare called lil' pimpin'

  • change your name to hubert colfax and found the society for irradiated entities

  • change your name to bobo and start calling your co-workers "lemon child"

  • change your name to dan dan le perk and begin dating kim jong un's sister. you take her roller skating and she takes you executions by anti-aircraft cannon.

  • change your name to fiona applesauce and become a waifish ingenue

  • change your name to basqo laroquet and start every sentence off with "i gotta get something off my chest"

  • change your name to lionel factotum and start writing batman/tyrannosaurus rex fan faction

  • change your name to nico falcone and threaten people in strange ways: "yo, you do that again and i'mma tart up your social feed." "yo, keep talking that trash and i'mma get all up in your egg sac" "i'mm tweet the untweetable all in your feed" "i'mma open up a can of hashtag whupass all over your timeline"

  • change your name to diderot de la rocha and keep asking hardee's when they'll begin serving bacon, egg, cheese, and nanobot biscuits

  • change your name to dinks mclinkage and develop a series of first-person marketing simulators

  • change your name to skyhawk eggpelter and make a hobby of shouting at the sun

  • change your name to bobo sweattrench and form a silent punk band called the mystery lumps. listeners are invited to "imagine the notes."

  • name your children birdy namnam, dicky whipperschnau, rebecca spoonminder, and barney polesmoker

  • change your name to chesty sunblock and form a ska band called mouthfeel

  • change your name to zarathustra jenkins and open a line of classical music karaoke bars

  • change your name to baxter hubris and become a life coach and teach your clients to resist change

  • change your name to swellboy hornpipe and host a talk show where you interview video game npcs

  • change your name to eagon rathskellar and open a semi-nude savings and loan

  • change your name to kennedy dicksmith and write long blog articles about how video games have replace film and literature

  • change your name to gaspar martindale and launch a men's movement to remove the stigma of having erections in public. members walk around sporting full-on boners and replying with "it's perfectly natural" when people stare at them.

  • change your name to american anthem and say "i'm sorry for your loss" whenever you meet someone for the first time

  • change your name to caruso greyhawk and start a lesbian nune craft brew concern

  • change your name to chance databurst and form a band called the dindlewalters of twat. when people ask about the origins of the name, lie and say you got it from a cs lewis poem.

  • change your children's names to squeaks and eagle clown

  • change your name to chaz blumenthal and work on an organic server farm

  • change your name to chad antifa and introduce a line of woke sexbots: the antifa model x-92

  • change your name to big spoons magee and move to finland and record an album of hawaiian holiday chanson

  • change your name to sunshine sanchez and start a mime maid service

  • change your name to chazz birkenstock and open a llama vineyard

  • change your name to benjo larkin and insist that male virility be assessed based on scrabble scores

  • change your name to coco longarm and begin something you call the abject nipples project

  • change your name to zara wayvyer and open a diner that becomes famous for its signature "tractor chicken," which is chicken that is run over several times by a tractor before being prepared

  • change your name to chazz botswelliver and make a billion on your sale of a popular line of zootropics

  • change your name to bradley ventricle and refer to yourself as "an obelisk in training"

  • change your name to ernst von ruffian and direct a trilogy of differently-abled kung fu movies

  • change your name to big daddy stubbs and go trick or treating in carrboro on halloween dressed as a southern plantation owner

  • change your name to cruz elderskank and start a lucrative business pirating vhs tapes from the 1980s

  • change your name to franklin pillowbean and walk around exclaiming "i've got the soul of a whore!" at random times

  • change your name to kincaid flavorpistol and use nouns as verbs and vice versa. when people are confused, reply "just hold the conversation up to a mirror, it'll make sense then"

  • change your name to barry peppercorn and launch a marketing agency called lipstick on the pig that only takes on clients with shitty unappealing products

  • change your name to tolkein messerschmitt and attempt to rebuild the luftwaffe but with elves as pilots

  • change your name to spjork boy herron, dress in bird feathers, and perch on the edge of skyscrapers

  • change your name to prudence backwater and develop a show called bumpkin that reinforces all stereotypes of small-town southerners

  • change your name to monty taliban and insist you cannot 'take the full measure of the man' until you have seen his pornography collection. insist that you cannot marry a woman until you have seen her shoe closet.

  • change your name to dedirot capulet and develop a spin-off of between two ferns called between two perms

  • change your name to denis and when people pronounce it as dennis, correct them by saying "no, like 'penis' but with a 'd'"

  • change your name to dezzy peachfuzz and open a daycare called against all odds, you were born

  • change your name to baxter forthwith and hold the title as editor of playboy magazine for two weeks, until you are fired for greenlighting the disastrous playboy's transgender doulas of orange county pictorial

  • change your name to chazz 'slender fungus' eldorado and become an artist who paints with his own vomit

  • change your name to barney hapgoblin and found a sports team called the cupertino toilet lickers

  • change your name to fred pringle and open a chain of c&w honky tonks called fred pringle's house of fun

  • change your name to parker farmsworth and start treating waiters with the same deference others treat military service members by earnestly saying "thank you for your service" whenever you see them in public

  • change your name to gustavo fangbog and self identify as tribal elder

  • change your name to eustace throbgobilin and found a company called diversified bubonics

  • change your name to donald greyhat and refer to your co-workers as 'smitelings'

  • change your name to hot buttons onassis, become the president of harvard university, and insist on using the word 'edumacated' in conversation and speeches

  • change your name to astrid cloudseed and start a semi-nude flute repair business

  • change your name to feezlesnap the drug elf

  • change your name to ernest gimball and produce a travel show for the covid age called social distancing abroad, where the host travels to exotic locales and avoids people

  • change your name to pussywillow merigold and open a cosplay strip club

  • change your name to labia thunderdyke and open a butch dyke shooting range

  • change your name to dickless pickwick and dress like little lord fauntleroy

  • change your name to gaspar assbags and nickname yourself the boston creme pie strangler

  • change your name to max black sex and learn a new alphabet every morning

  • change your name to elbow redrocks and sing songs about the moldy music machine

  • change your name to bijou daytripper and become a serial killer who only targets adults who don't make their bed in the morning

  • change your name to baz cancerstick then 2 hours later change your name to ljunblad prebble

  • change your name to jillian bajillion and buy the rights to use pennywise the clown as a financial advisor on your investing show

  • change your name to biggles aspertine and construct an alternate reality in which john lennon's song working class hero is the first track on the beatle's first album

  • change your name to alpha contretemps and invent a rapper persona called biggie medium smalls

  • change your name to victor tornado and found a design firm of sadists who design work and living spaces for masochists

  • change your name to dj pretzel and design a line of men's formal shirts and sound an alarm when worn untucked. if done so repeatedly, the shirt self-destructs. "don't be slovenly, the shirt will know" is the marketing phrase.

  • change your name to wingbat sangfroid and market a line of covid-theme prank products: fart-scented face masks, etc.

  • change your name to titan larkspar and market an antifa barbie and a maga barbie. commercials show kids making the two of them fight.

  • change your name to embarkadero whoopbop. under the name pablo eldershines, record a grammy-winning ballad entitled boil me gently 

  • change your name to reginald oafminder and call everyone 'gunnery sergeant gingersnap'

  • change your name to zelig fingerhut and train your children to become cosmonauts

  • change your name to pile driver sanchez and challenge strangers to wrestling matches

  • change your name to daddy-o and wear a zoot suit to the office

  • change your name to terry "cabbagepants" jackson and write poems in praise of flatulence

  • change your name to freddy starlighter and publish seven volumes of vatican-approved pornography

  • change your name to robinson robson and become a passive aggressive pacifist

  • change your name to johnny shadow and embed yourself at the india-pakistan border and set off a bunch of fireworks and run around in a devil's costume

  • change your name to darkside longshadow and market a line of 'dustroy troly' facemasks

  • change your name to avalon chching and write novels under the pen name melancthia sourpants

  • change your name to ashtanga brightleaf, move to asheville, and open a tibetan restaurant called monkey skull

  • change your name to frank avatar and become a smooth r&b singer but all your songs describe electronic, not in-person connections: girl i wanna sext you tonight

  • change your name to tiber fiasco and launch the world's first cultural validation consulting service, where you embed a hip young person with a wealthy family to reassure them of their cultural authenticity. all ideologies catered to. no matter how bourgie you are, your c.v.c. will reassure you that your actions and attitudes are woke and that your authenticity checks out. or if you lean right, your maga-reinforcing c.v.c. will help remind you you're making america great again. c.v.c.s accompany wealthy shoppers when they shop at places like whole foods, helping to minimize any feelings of privilege-based guilt. 

  • change your name to rizzo huxley and open a sex club for cows called the pleasure pasture

  • change your name to azaz feebel and create an adorable conspiracy theory spouting cartoon character named qanon

  • change your name to yoinks mcginity and market a line of scottish salsa

  • change your name to bugs o'reilly and claim to be bob dylan's ghostwriter

  • change your name to athena mint and greenlight a reality prank show called ceos on acid, in which ceos are unknowingly dosed with lsd and interviewed. jack dorsey is first, but doesn't notice the difference.

  • change your name to akimbo d'noush and market a line of woke emojis

  • change your name to pops hindenburg and exclaim "oh, the humanity!" whenever something surprising happens

  • change your name to viceroy banditshine and carry around a pack of chewing gum with "this gum for hire" written on it

  • change your name to tony dandersquall, become chief technology officer for a major company, then require all employees to change their password to "password123"

  • change your name to texarkana amazer and start tweeting in surprised grateful amazement at things everyone takes for granted:

    • you mean i can eat a hamburger without getting out of my car? why did no one tell me about drivethrus before? #amazed​

    • the hype is real! bananas exist. #curvedyellowfruit

  • change your name to be bop deluxe and no matter what anyone says to you, reply with "please ping jorge on this"

  • change your name to 50 census and rap about the importance of participating in the government census

  • change your name to tebow oriel and offer to beat stranger up, but only if they want you to

  • change your name to tidy witherspoon and form a band called nostrilminder

  • change your name to feezlesnap the drug elf 

  • change your name to viceroy halebop and attempt to popularize nonsensical hashtags like #gaggledooblebobsnob, #waloompums, #noblecheeses

  • start referring to yourself as "doctor mayonnaise"

  • change your name to dexter trollop and form a band called baxter sweetbriar and the splendiferous spores

  • change your name to sadlack firestarter

  • change your name to elderworm firehack and attend cosplay events dressed as a shark attack victim. insist that you are dressed as one of the avengers.

  • change your name to swazey sweetbucks and become a "theoretical" male stripper. "i could go out there an strip at any time," you remark from the comfort of your couch.

  • change your name to dinkins dinklage and form a pre-teen punk band called the stuttgart chamber players, then form a freak folk a capella group called the animal cracker collective

  • change your name to mauvis beefquake and start using "ronk!" as your default exclamation and referring to people as "buttery agnostics"

  • change your name to teddy vicious and form a punk band called the profit pistols that specializes in edgy corporate jingles. each album is tied in with the product launch for whatever you are promoting.

  • change your name to bobby canaveral and win a nobel for your poetry about spontaneous combustion

  • change your name to harvey outraged and introduce yourself to people with "i'm outraged" then pause for a beat and add "no, outraged. that's my name. outraged. harvey outraged. i'm pleased. pleased to meet you."

  • change your name to bobby orthogonal and become a zen monk/bitcoin trader

  • change your name to monty starlighter and host a new game show called are you smarter than a piece of wood?

  • change your name to grand moth pilkington and form a synth band called viceroy poppets

  • change your name to jim derognatis and become a professional rock critic critic, reviewing the reviews of professional rock critics

  • change your name to steazy mcqueen and launch a line of skateboards for middle aged accountants: the 401k street collection

  • change your name to chaz swanksaw and change your linkedin title to "corporate mind shark"

  • change your name to bournmouth loudermilk and become a pop culture conspiracy theorist: "milli vanilli were set up, i tell you. they sang every note of every song."

  • change your name to gazz trunkfunk and popularize the expression "that's the witch's tits!"

  • change your name to montague jakes and fall in love with traffic lights

  • change your name to eckles bezzlethwaite and begin talking like an auctioneer

  • change your name to che che, fashion your appearance after che guavera, and start calling people "generalissimo"

  • change your name to bent fabric, start wearing a cowboy hat and calling everyone "hoss"

  • change your name to mandrake bilgepump and market a line of gourmet spider egg ice cream

  • change your name to peaches pandemic and found a town in colorado called boner springs

  • change your name to cruz gearshank and open a hip repair shop in l.a. where you fix the busted tricycles of celebrity kids

  • change your name to darko darksides and form a noise band called beijing clams

  • change your name to frank lee and host a cable access talk show called frank lee speaking

  • change your name to emo jinks and form a bluegrass group called the soggy scrotum boys

  • change your name to sleepy mcqueef and open a trans country & western bar called honky hideaway

  • change your name to bobbins saint cloud and refer to every workplace challenge as "a vicious nor'easter, liable to capsize craft and crew." when people ask what you mean, just look off into the distance and begin whistling the wreck of the edmund fitzgerald

  • change your name to belkins undercarriage and open the museum of bodily functions

  • change your name to chazz whereabouts and market yourself as a professional relationship saboteur. helping your clients end unsatisfactory relationships through gaslighting, third-party intervention, and underhanded subterfuge when they haven't the stomach to end them directly

  • change your name to binky spazzmodio and invent a machine called the girdlemeister 3000, which you sell on late-night tv advertisements

  • change your name to benedict greyhat and advise people to simply dissolve

  • change your name to frankie wow buttons and open a carnivale of sexbots in a vacant field in your town

  • change your name to lucia barkweather and open a clothing store in downtown durham called 10 little indians, just to piss people off

  • change your name to mums tinderhoof and open a sex club called flying purple people eater

  • insist that people address you as "the captain" and when they ask what you do, reply vaguely that you work in "imports and exports"

  • change your name to mittens montague and write an absurdist comedy called the wily oncologist

  • become a professional wrestler and adopt the stage name whipped cream

  • change your name to chase bivouac and produce a gonzo reality fight show called mask brawlers, consisting of dumbass americans getting into fights in public over masks not being worn properly

  • change your name to mergatroid bottomthief but ask your friends to call you "cool aftershock cosmo mcswain"

  • change your name to brix featherwaite and develop a line of organic snack foods that are buried in the sand for six months to "enhance seasoning"

  • change your name to ricardo montalban and suavely say "fine corinthian leather" aloud, making love to each syllable

  • change your name to dimitri cabbageclaw and develop a lena dunham life simulator, where players go through a day in the life as lena dunham, experiencing the chance to always make their voice heard on an endless range of topics

  • change your name to conrad le chance and become only able to process infromation by tasting it: go shopping for books and insist on nibbling on the first page to determine if you'll enjoy it, go shopping for a new car and chew on the driver's seat to determine if it's the right choice, a co-worker emails you a spreadsheet and you must print it out and chew on it to understand the contents

  • change your name to paxton burpfrondle and found a town in north carolina called sewer springs

  • change your name to sissy quadrange. form a punk rock selena gomez cover band, then become the first performance artist ever to join the supreme court

  • change your name birdy nam nam and form a band called idiot nanobot savant and open a nanobot-centric blues club in chicago

  • change your name to captain minky starshine, wear a cape and goggles, and open a bondage club in manhattan called grandma's attic

  • change your name to torrance hammerthwaite and write homoerotic thor fanfiction for a living

  • change your name buffalo instax and go on a hunger strange where you demand that wham! and thompson twins be inducted into the rock and roll hall of fame

  • change your name bib o'malley and insist that your spirit animal is the eagleclown, then fight anyone who suggests that such a creature does not exist 

  • change your name to titan olestra and found a start up with fantastic employee benefits but insist that every employee come to work each day dressed as an avengers character. those who don't are fired after one warning.

  • change your name to abbatoir pinkington and open a pr agency in akron, oh staffed entirely by flamboyant eurasian men

  • change your name to bonnie prince elderflower, begin wearing a kilt, and collaborate with bon iver on an album of introspective indie ballads

  • change your name to turks miasma and at parties, introduce yourself by corning people and asking them urgently "how about it kid, do you wanna be tugging udders in nebraska?"

  • change your name to bud oglethorpe. wear aviator shades whenever you sit down for a meal, and pretend you are piloting a helicopter. it eventually leads to your wife divorcing you.

  • change your name to wilford bean, grow a wispy handlebar mustache, and exclaim "hot tiddleywinks!" when you are excited

  • change your name to rusty quill and write a series of supernatural detective novels about a nymphomaniac ghosts that haunts a convent. supernatural detective frank cockrobbin is called upon to solve the case.

  • change your name to kid gallihad and open a chain of grocery stores that only sell cheetos

  • change your name to bojack mccracken and become a carnivale dunking blown, where you shout insults to people and they pay 50 cents for the chance to dunk you

  • change your name to lance charlatan and open an alligator petting zoo

  • change your name phinneas appomatox and claim to have discovered a long-lost short story by edgar allen poe entitled the blue screen of death

  • change your name to artemis pissminder and form a death metal rick astley cover band called violator

  • change your name to benoit wildchild. begin wearing green flared corduroy pants and describe yourself as "rock and roll's useful idiot for hire."

  • change your name to mary beth mudlark and insist that george lucas actually intended star wars to be a critique of white male privilege, and that quintin tarantino intended reservoir dogs as a critique of toxic masculinity

  • change your name to alonzo d'fuk and when people ask you to pronounce your last name, pronounce it like an annoyed question: "d' fuck?"

  • change your name to rodney banghard and become the seedy harmonica player who lives behind oscar the grouch's garbage can on sesame street

  • change your name to lance tinderswill and build a guitar out of noodles

  • change your name to phinneas de rochambeau and open a fried eel foodtruck that only accepts kryptocurrency as payment

  • change your name to chazz politburo and approach women with the line "there's a cosmic hootenanny going on in my pants right now"

  • change your name to ludicrious thanatos and start accusing people you dislike of being "bioterrorists" asserting that their very existence constitutes an act of bio terrorism

  • change your name to chazz outlier and begin using the term "biscuitfully" with a straight face

  • change your name to caesar goochminder and found a town in north carolina called whippersnapper falls

  • change your name to danzig shakespeare and form a heavy metal band called coxcomb, and sing all your songs in elizabethan english

  • change your name to curly decatur and found a town in rural north carolina called turtle's neck

  • change your name to tinka jane and form a group called binks 182, where every member dresses like jar jar binks

  • change your name to leonard featherwaite and become a theatrically effeminate professional wrestling critic

  • change your name to binky slaughterbuckets and open a men's hair salon called the final cut

  • change your name to konstantin jakoff and form a band called stumble chum

  • change your name to clarissa chamberpot, move into a luxury penthouse suite in manhattan then begin tossing your piss and shit out the window each morning from the chamberpot you keep beside your bed

  • change your name to pow r tok and convince adult swim to produce a kid's cartoon series called the adventures of genesis p orridge, all about the kinky body modification hi-jinks of the former throbbing gristle frontman

  • change your name to stanley knife and publish a poetry journal called goiters on fleek

  • change your name to knight city and whenever you meet someone for first time, ask "what is your signal-to-noise ratio?"

  • change your name to lance olestra. die and become a ghost, then travel back in time to haunt the living version of yourself.

  • change your name to crispin banhammer and launch a firefly prequel starring twentysomething tiktok influencers

  • change your name to lamentable dotard and release an album of instrumental dance music called rocketman

  • change your name to fran-fran boomerang and start high-fiving strangers while thanking them for being "cracker jack star team players

  • change your name to vasco la chance and claim to have discovered a new continent

  • change your name to axel dusty rhodes and form a satirical guns & roses cover band, and release joke variants of their iconic album: appetite for self-deception, appetite for self-depreciation, appetite for self-immolation, appetite for self-instruction

  • change your name to billy wonder and start a food truck that only serves etruscan bladder fish

  • change your name to benjamin shasta and start a 24-hour protest news network: just footage of protests every hour of the day

  • change your name to baxter yum yum and become a mime sommelier

  • change your name to gaspar flambeaux and begin calling everyone a "game changer"

  • change your name to baxter gumbot and become a youtube influencer who does unboxing vids on everything from toys to firearms

  • change your name to frankie poptart and begin writing comic books where all the action balloon onomatopoeia is in french

  • change your name to stanley sebastotopl and market a drinking product called beer teeth 

  • change your name to barony loinsquander and dream of a future where space stations are populated by disgraced r&b singers

  • change your name to patterson entrance and form the blue mansplaining group. your performances consist of the group standing onstage and mansplaining to the women seated in the first few rows.

  • change your name to ultra ultra and insist your're a warhol factory superstar

  • change your name to dexter zardoz and then to poindexter gewerbeigebiet

  • change your name to gareth sizemore and reboot the need for speed franchise, but make it be about meth-amphetamine junkies

  • change your name to dunstable erstwhile and write and star in a spuds mckenzie biopic

  • open a dating profile under the name machete bob, and have all your photos showing you holding a machete. your profile summary reads "come on over and cut things with me." when you are booted off the site, open a dating app called sharpthings.com, for "blade-positive" people. the site motto reads "a cut above." then expand your media empire with a lifestyle magazine called machete aficionado, with photos of fit tanned people holding machetes on luxury yachts. a late-night talk show called the late night machete show. a radio news show called all machetes considered. start the trend of machete influencers on instagram. a weekly drama called machete junction: next on machete junction, daisy finds new uses for her machete when she strays from the main trail. and doc wilson performs a little unscheduled surgery on a certain town gossip. open a gym called machete where all training is done with machetes and members sign a responsibility waiver. then an eatery called machete where machetes replace knives and forks.

  • change your first name to toots and become a reggae bassist

  • change your name to bejoons mcswain and join a bethonged order of tibetan monks

  • change your name to gussy tavish and found the town of pincone, north carolina

  • start wearing a paper burger king crown and calling yourself king archie

  • change your name to donovan sludge and become a misanthropic folk singer

  • change your name to keester bonsai and become a gonzo topiary artist, where you binge on lsd and design hallucinogenic gardens. soon, rock stars and celebrities begin hiring you to design trippy boscage for their mansion gardens

  • start calling yourself the ambrosia kid and naming your children after punctuation: first comes your son ampersand, then your twin daughters ellipsis and emdash

  • change your name to humphrey dumbfries and open a bar called ethan's wormhole

  • change your name to stavros onassis and design surround sound systems for sensory deprivation tanks

  • change your name to konrad krinklehouser and market a line of nanite-infused chocolate chip cookies

  • change your name to bob siesta and start a talk show called siesta with bob siesta where you and your guests nap on camera

  • change your name to frank slime and publish a book of sonnets about financial malfeasance

  • open a tik tok account under the name ralph waldo emerson and start posting short vids of yourself sitting in contemplation beside lakes

  • change your name to sex pistol pete and form a punk rock band of hypochondriacs named fraidy cat

  • change your name to gonzo spicolli and market a line of scented candles in the shape of testicals with the slogan "dig these candle nutz!"

  • change your name to climberly latearms and begin describing things as being "ersatz"

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