change your name

  • change your name to papa "buckles" hemhoffer and convince america's automotive industry be take a more honest approach to their t.v. commercials by lacing their ads with subliminal imagery: scenes of gleaming metallic pickup trucks cruising through rain soaked streets are intercut with fleeting images of erect cocks and fists pounding against slabs of meat; sleek sports cars curving gracefully along pacific coast highways are intercut with momentary images of brazilian waxed pussies, ruby red lipstick, blow jobs and dollar bills, etc. etc.

  • change your name to pussy riot and form a feminist punk band called weinstein walker

  • change your name to franzetta tuttungian and become the greatest living director of pringles potato chip commercials the world has ever seen

  • change your name to larkspur onassis and start an uber competitor but using dirigibles instead of cars

  • change your name to prax golightly and open the first 7-eleven on an asteroid

  • change your name to barth thistledown and start an aggressively meat-positive home meal service called helloflesh!

  • change your name to portugal mcswoon and open a pet fish grooming service

  • change your name to frasca tenchpole and start endorsing your linkedin contacts for disturbing or corrosive areas of expertise: enhanced interrogation (aka "mood tuning"), black ops site management, social media hacks,  

  • change your name to citronella pattington-parker and open a restaurant for the instagram-obsessed called selfie. patrons choose an assortment of customized daily instagram filters to 'season' their dish. the waiter brings you a tablet to accompany meal so you can upload the image to your feed with the unique filter. it becomes all the rage and some regular patrons don't even eat the food, preferring only to curate their feed with the envy-inducing images. it catches on so thoroughly that soon restaurants are advertising for 'filter chefs' to join their team. goop lists your restaurant as one of it's ten best for 2020.

  • change your name to gaspar de fabrizio and form a decadent roman-themed art punk band called the caligula protocol

  • change your name to doubtfire le strange and release an album of ambient soundscapes entitled klezmer favorites from the 23rd century

  • change your name to faux cruddite and pioneer a new cinema verite using sexbots as the leads

  • change your name to oinks mcginty and open your own bleeding-edge cgi studio with a militant queer agenda. your first release is a flawless cgi recreation of john wayne in a homoerotic western called gobbler's knob. the estate of john wayne sues you but you're too wealthy to care and release your film for free online.

  • change your name to mums bartholomew and form a huey lewis cover band called huey lewis and the fake news

  • change your name to van ordinaire and start a theremin-based funk ensemble called bats babblesquander and the fappertronics

  • change your name to garth pursehouse and dedicate your life to throwing women off balconies

  • change your name to bats babblesquander and open a hip restaurant named gaze, where the floors, walls, ceilings, and tables are mirrored. the bathrooms are, too. motto: "for the narcissist in all of us."

  • change your name to garbagepants onassis and start an evangelical talking heads cover band called stop making sins 

  • change your name to faison bojangles and develop a robot songwriter fashioned after paul mccartney. it does nothing except write love songs, and is soon writing the best love songs humanity has ever heard

  • change your name to courtney boring and cultivate a new line of garden flowers that you name perineum favorites

  • change your name to creationist eventide and create a line of bespoke twitter bots: postmodern novelist bot, feminist meme bot, systems theory bot, and so on

  • change your name to fabrizio darkside and start a razzie awards show for the worst use of cgi in hollywood films

  • become a dj and perform under a variety of names all intended to trigger the woke demographic: 

    • dj white privilege​

    • dj maga

    • dj male gaze

    • dj cisgend

    • dj stop&frisk

  • change your name to teleport primrose and found the bobbins synthetic fruit collective, which even you are unclear of the purpose of

  • change your name to rider strong and open a surfing school on the sevastopol for russian troll bots

  • change your name to whims mimsy and market a line of absurdist s.a.t. test prep books:

    • based on the passage, the author's opinion on female circumcision is likely:​​​​

a) positive​

b) negative

c) undecided

d) the author does not know what circumcision is

e) all of the above

  • in the third paragraph, the boy's attitude about mollusks could best be summarized as:​​​

a) intrigued

b) frightened

c) ambivalent

d) loving

e) none of the above

  • change your name to otto 'larceny' jones and convince the us navy to construct an experimental vagina-shaped aircraft carrier

  • change your name to jonathan depp and form a hindu new wave funk collective called frankie goes to bollywood

  • change your name to spats oleander and open a funeral home where the bodies are laid out wearing brightly colored spandex

  • change your name to bijou bijoeux, become a queer studies researcher, then intentionally mispell "gender" as "gander" in an effort to "unpack assumed constructs of identity." write things like "gander-identity politics," "non-binary gander," and so on, insisting that your editors not alter it.

  • change your name to consuelo buranda and form a mime salsa band named consuelo and the afterthoughts

  • change your name to scallywag goknuckle, start a venture capital firm in wall street, and institute a pirate-themed office dress code

  • change your name to old sickly bastard and form a rap trio named the wuhan clan, then release the album license to ill, where all songs are about deadly viruses

  • change your name to el goucho le tart and open a restaurant that serves all its soups in chamber pots

  • change your name to osiris breadstalk and knit a line of punk rock sock puppets

  • change your name to sam riddimpole and buy a beach house that you name fuhrer's roost

  • change your name to patterson driftwood and become america's most popular poet of personal hygiene. titles like a pleasing scent and the joy of sufficiently ventilated public transport establish your mastery of the subject, selling millions of copies. old spice, dove, and gillette hire you to bring a poetic touch to their ad copy. soon, personal hygiene ads across america are outdoing one another in bids for poetic flourish. the norton anthology of perspiration poetry is published and becomes mandatory reading in college-level english. you launch your own line of men's cologne, the driftwood collection, which is endorsed by the academy of american poets.

  • change your name to velocity crescent, move to costa rica, and lead lsd-fuelled bungee jumping extreme sport excursions

  • change your name to buttons barrett and forma a clown-based pink floyd tribute band called prank floyd

  • change your name to pinkie sangria and form a mime football team that qualifies to play in the nfl

  • change your name to terry tee and open a steak joint called terry's upchuck house

  • change your name to jackson momo and stage a one-man play that re-enacts every episode of the real-time espionage show 24

  • change your name to dyad skyfarer and start an online dating site for pets

  • change your name to amy sedatious and publish an alternate-history coffee table book called sexbots of the antebellum south

  • change your name to romeo starkweather and teach a self-defense class for plants

  • change your name to "sutures" smith and specialize in hostage re-escalation. "oh shit, he's letting the hostage go. sutures, get in there and antagonize him!"

  • change your name to gran mal and convince george lucas to make an animated star wars show starring chewbaca mom

  • change your name to tench otterpaw and form a black power-themed beach boys cover band. somehow, it just works.

  • change your name to colefax espinoza and open a hip brooklyn cafe for breatharians. artisinal oxygen is on the menu.

  • change your name to harold warsurrender and start a wwii-themed ice cream parlor, with photos of period weapons, and each flavor is named after decisive battles. "i'd like two scoops of battle of the bulge and one of normandy beach. with a sprinkling of pearl harbor."

  • change your name to otto prefecture and start the world's first developmentally differently-abled space force

  • change your name to blanche a la carte and start a heavy metal thompson twins cover band

  • change your name to tom swift and invent the world's first robot teen idol: james dean v2.0 stars in rebel without a social media following

  • change your name to saboot toochi and popularize a hyrid music genre of doo wop and trap

  • change your name to scupper culthorpe and turn your work cube into a lighthouse

  • change your name to arsenio dockside start a late night talk show for robots. "up next, model x-11j57 tells us all about its servo upgrades!"

  • change your name excelsio muchado and teach a meringue class for sexbots

  • change your name to beta otaku and commission japan's most famous artist to create a manga comic about your own life

  • change your name to orion sandlewood and donate billions to george lucas's favorite charity on the condition that lucasarts makes a spin off jar-jar binks movie with you as one of the lead characters

  • change your name to becca wilcox, move to chapel hill, and start a lesbian soccer mom podcast

  • change your name to yoinks mcginty and hack all roadside billboards in america to display photos of hummingbirds

  • change your name to billings patently and devote your entire life to categorizing itches. rejoice when your life's crowing achievement is accomplished: publication of the big book of itches

  • change your name to tau-tau, move to downtown durham, and open a woke donut shop that serves donuts that challenge the patriarchy

  • change your name to cutter nightshade a publish a collection of poetic odes to porn movies: 
     

girl on lawn languishes with desire
hot wax on dank ass
screen on fire
red eyes, blue dawn

nightshade nurses are doin' it for themselves

rocco stifforia makes the scene at the car wash

twenty three more mouse clicks makes everything all right
 

  • change your name to jehovax gabbersquand and begin selling girl scout stogies door to door

  • change your name to smithers mcgooch and begin publishing defenestration review: the world's only journal devoted to the topic of hurling people out windows

  • change your name to st. john pettigrew and open a service that provides a.i. ghost writing services to authors

  • change your name to mao st. pierre, become a world-famous balladeer, and release a grammy-award winning album of ballads called do i have your consent to fall in love?

  • change your name to roscoe funkbatt, move to seattle, and become a dealer in jailbroken sexbots. "unlock a new world of pleasure when you disable the safety mechanisms."

  • change your name to bentley moreshower and start a little league hockey team for ghosts

  • change your name to eunice breadsnort and pitch a reboot of classic british novels with sexbots as the protagonists: sexbots and sensibility, wuthering sexbots, pride and prejudice and sexbots, far from the madding crowd (of sexbots), jude the obscure (sexbot), great sexbot expectations

  • change your name bash st. tarkington, move to l.a., and become a successful virginity repair surgeon

  • change your name to binky microcosm and pitch a snarky animated comedy called biden his time, about hunter biden, the hapless under-qualified rich kid who continually stumbles into high paying opportunities that he knows basically nothing about

  • change your name to mims prefab and invent the gender-reassignment burger, a tasty synthetic meat product that speeds up the gender transition process. known as the "trans burger," it's an instant hit.

  • change your name to jehovax trunktooth and market a gourmet snack with unknown ingredients named candied jehovax sass

  • change your name to lady harpsichord, move to downtown durham, and open a pet grooming service for robot pets

  • change your name to aloysius jackson, self identify as african american, and insist you are the secret 6th member of the jackson 5

  • change your name to oleg fatumpfbarrel and open the world's most complete toilet museum in the small town in which you live

  • change your name to portnoy sanchez, move to brooklyn, and start the world's first rotisserie kraken foodtruck

  • change your name to krugman and start an online review site called meta yelp devoted to user reviews of user reviews

  • change your name to yelps turwelliver and discover how to make music that defies the natural law of time, completing  instantaneously while offering a beginning, middle, and end. in this way, a 15-minute piece appears and vanishes within an instant. audiences drive for hours to spend only a few seconds listening to a full evening's music in their seats. an after-hours dance party lasts approximately seven seconds.

  • change your name to ashfont binomial and form a post-modern theoretical guns and roses cover band called appetite for deconstruction

  • change your name to peter principled and start a tasteful erotica site for fishmongers called sardines and lace

  • change your name to paris marx, move to san francisco, and begin hosting nihilist sex parties in homeless shelters

  • change your name to prax zither and open the world's first museum of art painted by robots

  • change your name to ernst rotter and form the world's first punk band fronted by a sexbot, o pleasureful o

  • change your name to chauncy goforth, inherit a modest sum from an aunt, retire to winesburg, ohio, and spend the rest of your days writing ronald mcdonald fan fiction

  • change your name to mims whimsy and open up a hip eatery called splat!, named for the sound the food makes upon impact when the chef hurls it from the kitchen onto the serving plate on your table. patrons must sign a waiver releasing the restaurant from any responsibility for missed throws.

  • change your name to binky tangible, move to hollywood, and make millions writing neo-con rom coms

  • change your name to archie tunnels and program an a.i. to write better love songs than human beings

  • change your name to phillipa groper and hire yourself out to hollywood studios as an intimacy coordinator

  • change your name to lowden loudermilk, move to l.a., and become a sought-after surgeon who specializes in armpit implants

  • change your name to mums gandermilk and form a beatles cover band cover band, and insist you are covering the cover versions of the original songs

  • change your name to quincy sludge and become a dance instructor of mid-80s robo synth pop moves

  • change your name to gertrude dammeron and dress like a viking on casual fridays

  • change your name to wompum fan-fan and open a bagel shack right outside a max security federal prison

  • change your name to skyhawk gunderson and become a therapist for drones

  • change your name to chase bivouac and set up a lemonade stand inside of a busy public urinal. slogan: "nothing wasted"

  • change your name to henry quasar and self-identify as a faun, convincing your socially progressive tech employers to officially recognize you as such as part of their inclusiveness policy 

  • change your name to the aritst formerly known as jospeh goebbels and open a dance club called dresden sex beat, and launch an elecroclash side project called the belsen pleasure initiative

  • change your name to garth winkle and open a sex club that caters to patrons with a root canal fetish

  • change your name to ignacio tenderloin, move to manhattan, and open a pet sitting service that caters to gender-neutral pets

  • change your name to dinky dao and cultivate a new hobby of listening to an audiobook while simultaneously watching the movie adaptation

  • change your name to patterson van ronk and dress like a tennis coach in 1979

  • change your name to urban space junk, move to detroit, and form a conceptual do-wop group called the hollywood argyles

  • change your name to freedy bonilla and open a driver-thru lingerie/ammunition store in downtown durham

  • change your name to carson cullpepper and found the journal backscratcher quarterly: the journal of unreachable personal itches

  • change your name to mandrake bilgepump and become a post-organic dj who makes music for young people with angular haircuts who frequent vertical urban spaces

  • change your name to skyshawk gunderson and convince people they can fly

  • change your name to ingrid von meadowlark and found a summer mindfulness program for kids called concentration camp. motto "your final solution for mindfulness!"

  • change your name to vivian diaspora and form an all-female climate change protest punk band called thunberg death ray

  • change your name to sizzy g and open a politically correct halloween costume shop
  • change your name to spats hegweloire and become a one-man beastie boys cover band called beastie boy

  • change your name to franklinton feathertester and found the center for applied apathy

  • change your name to chelsea warmaker and open a dayspa/gun range for republican housewives

  • change your name to avastio hornswaddle and open a pirate-themed sex club called dead man's blowjob

  • change your name to nancy 'jazz pencils' spoonbringer and write award-winning poems about no longer being relevant to your own context

  • change your name to suzi vatican and form the world's first papal punk band

  • change your name to oleg fahtumpf, move to brooklyn, and open a restaurant for breatharians called gravy tiger

  • change your name to chimera angelis, set up shop on io, and keep company with a cadre of venusian illusionists

  • change your name to strikespring wayfarer, move to tokyo, and develop a line of sexbots for asexuals

  • change your name to brad undershark and market a line of bio-engineered bro-dude cologne called wingman. "boost your chance of getting laid by 18.37%!" 

  • change your name to roger ruskinsphere and start a stock photo website that only sells photos of people being beheaded

  • change your name to garth wellington and form a covers band called at a moment's notice that specializes in smooth sounds for corporate events

  • change your name to limon esquevel and make it your mission to become more culturarly irrelevant than a chubby 55 year old white data middle manager

  • change your name to roger crikey and develop a line of breakfast foods named after deadly volcanoes: krakatoa flakes, vesuvius crunch, st. helen's surprise, etc.

  • change your name to ernst favicon and insist on wearing a pink felt tracksuit with the words 'fat bitch' stenciled in gold on the back

  • change your name to artemis honeybuckle, move to los angeles, and open a pilates studio for sex bots

  • change your name to buckleheim 'earwagon' escanscio and pen the cautionary tale of your generation, entitled 24 hour potty people

  • change your name to reginald bitters, move to tokyo, and become a successful lawyer who specializes in human-sexbot divorces

  • change your name to spotnitz von gundershake, move to london, and open a stripclub on a helium-filled dirigible that floats 500 feet above the city

  • change your name to thrushgood thurwell and devote your life to writing fan fiction for uncredited extras in tv shows

  • change your name to bob blob and helm a reboot of friends but with a cast of hunchbacks

  • change your name to garth mandrake and convince disney to open a guantanamo bay themed amusement ride

  • change your name to sir funk rat and invent a style of music called banana jazz

  • change your name to prelox dodecahedron, move to sedona, and start a festival to rival coachella called the throng in a thong fest

  • change your name to poppy van pipsqueak and manage an all-girl group of seniors called the old spice girls

  • change your name to chauncey pullover, take a vow of silence, and move to portland to become a radio host

  • change your name to thortch starkweather and market a line of prank clothing: bathing suits that dissolve after being remotely triggered, pants that constrict violently at a pre-designated time, boots that refuse to unlace, thongs that embed themselves and cannot be removed, etc.

  • change your name to hawk osprey and introduce a line of vegetable-themed body modifications: carrot eyes, kale cheeks, etc.

  • change your name to happenstance polenta, move to miami, and open arf!, an art gallery for dogs

  • change your name to carson culpepper and write a line of spiritual self-help books for frat boys, with titles like how to play beer pong like a zen monk

  • change your name to hr vespertine and donate millions to duke hospital under the condition that it change its name to queerwater hospital

  • change your name to okatu dendrite and start a youtube channel for unboxing the latest haul of sleek designer sexbots

  • change your name to cranium wrex and spend millions on voluntary facial reconstruction surgery to resemble your favorite anime character

  • change your name to fante embarkadero, move to brooklyn, and become that writing tutor who convinces precocious pre-teens that the world needs to read their memoir

  • change your name to diablo cody, move to manhattan, and do absolutely nothing

  • change your name to ogden palimpsest and open a flower store for robots

  • change your name to stortch masterson and start a restaurant chain called the philly cheesesteak factory

  • change your name to humidor sansa, move to carrboro, and start a food truck that sells meat-based plant products

  • change your name to genesis p orridge and start a reality show called embalming with the stars

  • change your name to philodeaux and pen a year-end feature for people magazine called 'remembering all the celebrity stalkers we lost in 2019'

  • change your name to phil ingleblank and undertake a quixotic mission to reunite all the stray pubic hairs you see in public urinals with their original owners

  • change your name to horst mccracken, move to portland, and open a semi-nude whaling museum/bike shop

  • change your name to chance nevermore, move to manhattan, and form a 911-themed funk band called the mohamed atta funk projekt

  • change your name to chad von bismarck, grow a handlebar mustache, move to durham, and open a craft brewery called sweet adolphus piss factory

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and adopt all the crispr babies you can find

  • change your name to esterhauz bingeworthy and open a store that only sells jihadi-themed memes on  bumper stickers and t-shirts

  • change your name to lizzie heretofore and market a food product called the uncertain burger: "what's in it? the heck if we know!"

  • change your name to covington barkshark and open a detective agency that helps schizophrenics investigate themselves

  • change your name to phinneas sweltercoil, move to portland, and make it your mission to get all 30-something earnest record store clerk-type dudes obsessed with becoming lighthouse keepers

  • change your name to chase la face and form a boy band for the right-wing post-roe v wade supreme court era: the backalley boys

  • change your name to binky von slathermilk and manage an all-cgi boys band called the green screen boyz

  • change your name to sorrel lightfoot and become a detective who hunts down missing socks in order to reunite them with their estranged sibling

  • change your name to chase van brockenstein and open a hipster eatery called urinal. a giant bathroom where the diners consume their meals inside bathroom stalls.

  • change your name to roscoe schwitters and form a nazi doo-wop group

  • change your name to sensei espinoza and market a snack food called aluminum blasts

  • change your name to kitty vesuvius, move to seattle, and found a company called artisinal minimalist narrative. what it does is unclear, but with the motto "cultivating authentic lived-in experiences," investors are clamoring to fund it. upon hearing the name, gwyneth paltrow buys a majority share for $68 million. soon the yelp reviews begin pouring in: "i felt so validated when i bought their lavendar something-or-other for my tiny airbnb house."

  • change your name to david sandborn, move to la, and become a sought-after session musician making music for people who don't really enjoy music

  • change your name to terrence grotesque, move to washington, and beat npr at their own game by starting the microscopic desk concert performance series. viewers must purchase lab-grade microscopes and military-grade microphones in order to view and hear them. 

  • change your name to epidril mandlehupf, move to san francisco, and open a hair-themed ice cream parlor: butterscotch toupee, dreadlock coffee crunch, mohawk sherbet, etc

  • change your name to zoe starshine, move to chapel hill, and teach a community course for uptight white liberals called 101 ways to signal cultural authenticity

  • change your name to cupertino longshanks and write a hit broadway musical about child abuse

  • change your name to name to ramona nevermore and open an edgar allen poe-themed ice cream parlor

  • change your name to oscar tidewell and open an hp lovecraft-inspired bagel place. "that eldritch, otherworldly, vaguely racist bagel place that's got everyone talking."

  • change your name to oscar impressario and start an advice column called ask a salty disabled bricklayer

  • change your name to lizzy sage and launch a line of emergency medical-themed desserts: chocolate chest wound, amputation pops, etc.

  • change your name to buttons cheshire and open a men's clothing store called ack! ack!

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and create a social media firestorm by writing an alternate reality sci-fi short story that inverts america's white appropriation of black artists. little richard rips off pat boone. public enemy rips off the beastie boys. prince rips off george michael, etc. the premise being that elvis's iconic 1950s television performance signals go from earth to a black hole and are re-echoed back 2,000 years earlier. the title of the story? black to the future.

  • change your name to hiroshima dan and found the center for applied ignorance

  • change your name to ignacio tenderloin, become a professional boxer for 25 years, then retire and open an eatery called knuckle sandwich

  • change your name to rip torn and open up a kid's ice cream parlor called caligula's

  • change your name to maurice garteroil and open the world's first restaurant where all the food is cgi. it would be called special fx and prices would be based on the complexity of the image rendering for each menu item.

  • change your name to beckwith tinderpoove and become a senior fellow at the center for applied vapidity

  • change your name to freckles breckenstein, move to tokyo, and become a sexbot repair technician

  • change your name to dj brew haha and open an electro disco brewery called draft punk

  • change your name to d'nousouza x and open an online school that teaches urban authenticity signaling skills to creative class whites who are among the first to gentrify urban neighborhoods. sample lessons: "skinny white dude, wearing that wu tang t-shirt makes you look like you're trying too hard. and stop name dropping that you have rapper's delight on the original 12" vinyl pressing. it won't work."

  • change your name to dj loose stool. create your own tagline: "you'll lose your shit when i drop my beats"

  • change your name to emerson trout and comport yourself as you imagine a southern man of letters would

  • change your name to chauncey trebuchet and walk around launching frozen peas at people from a plastic spoon

  • change your name to stig blighter and insist you were the one who invented punk

  • change your name to coco robespierre and write a self-help book about learning to not give a shit

  • change your name to velocity crescent and write caligula/thor fan fiction

  • change your name to ixnay ixnay rhumbumba and lead an all-trans 1920's latin big band on a norwegian cruise ship

  • change your name to jacques chanterelle and teach a sexbot cpr class at your local ymca. mandatory for all lifeguards and sex workers. all camp counselors are trained in it. restaurants have heimlich maneuver for sexbots posters posted. sexbots will eventually be equipped with defibrillators in case the human has a heart attack during sex

  • change your name to inky darkweed, move to seattle, and become an afterlife coach. "helping the dead be their best possible self."

  • change your name to shark cruelskin and become a shady dealer in jailbroken sex bots

  • change your name to big boi and insist on wearing a diaper in public. tell people you self-identify as infant.

  • change your name to ogden palimpsest and only date poets named govinda consuelo

  • change your name to skatch thrilljockey and open radio station that only hires stuttering djs

  • change your name to roscoe defenestrator and become professionally trained in hurling people out of windows. 

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and call everyone “butt mump”

  • change your name to charlemagne espinosa and hold yourself out as an etsy trending expert

  • change your name to binky nesbit and form a horror funk band called the blair witch funk project

  • change your name to corky montenegro and become a car alarm impersonator

  • change your name to lvez and make a living impersonating elvis impersonators

  • change your name to ernst favicon and introduce a line of lsd laced bubblegum

  • change your name to cavendish praxley and front a band called slut priest

  • change your name to rubric arrow and become a movie director known for having all characters chewing gum in every scene

  • change your name to leon fingerbang and open a semi-nude seafood restaurant

  • change your name to courtney octagon and teach teenage girls how to drag race down main street in customized muscle cars

  • change your name to quentin queefstream and become a semi-nude theater critic

  • change your name to e praxley goombah and found the society for the preservation of page boy haircuts

  • change your name to bogo jazzhands and become a mime rapper

  • change your name to buzzby and tell people you come from hot piss springs, arizona

  • change your name to falcon van papsmear and fashion yourself as a semi-nude aide de camp

  • change your name to hortense shychild and become a semi-nude dealer of illegal arms

  • change your name to boopsie rappaport and open a pet grooming service that caters to transgender pets

  • change your name to contra-contra indicator

  • change your name to miami silence machine and start a latin mime percussion quintet

  • change your name rad and become an upstart rockstar chef who insists on serving chicken breasts in a bra

  • change your name to cubist nightshade and become a surrealist heckler

  • change your name to andy ellipses and refuse to complete a thought

  • change your name to leopold slaughter and open a daycare called slaughter daycare

  • change your name to artemis boscage and proclaim aloud at work to anyone within earshot your love of impractical knowledge

  • change your name to harwell trasher von blightbluff and open a  tobacco and beard grooming shop for ghosts

  • change your name to steamgrass hottentwat and become a dealer of obscene antiquities

  • change your name to dr reed morpheus and launch a kickstarter to fund a mutant research lab

  • change your name to thorston mudgarde and start a semi-nude welding business in seattle

  • change your name to skyclad firefall and found a semi-nude music festival called thongaroo

  • change your name to fabioso callibrisi and become a director of gay albino italian midget  porn

  • change your name to ozark threadgill and start a semi-nude back-to-the-land movement

  • change your name to rocco praetorious and become a kinky isis commander

  • change your name to briggs clinco and enroll in law school to learn to play the bongos

  • change your name to hegwellier cesspool and become the world's first blind porn star

  • change your name to proust fairlane and found a school for semi-nude poets

  • change your name to jacadranda crotchrobbin and join ladysmith black mambazo as their first white, semi-nude member. after five years, they let you play tambourine.

  • change your name to dandy hotpants and dance at parties where no music is playing

  • change your name to gunther jackson and form a white supremacist funk band called josef goebbels panty raid

  • change your name to jehovax and campaign hollywood to create the world's first semi-nude superhero movie

  • change your name to leopold foxtrot and become a semi-nude chess grandmaster

  • change your name to doyle vandenburg and instead of walking, hold your arms out like wings and make airplane noises

  • change your name to thortch clusterhawk and stage a one-man diy revival of gilligans island

  • name your first child usb 2.0 and your second child usb 3.0

  • change your name to hattie ledbetter and open a semi-nude underground railroad

  • change your name to portly fiendish and launch a journal called necrophiliac quarterly

  • change your name to scupper greythorpe and begin dressing like a 19th century whaling captain

  • name your next child shiny batchain puller

  • change your name to buttons golightly, move to tokyo, and open a clinic that treats sexbots that have ptsd

  • change your name to brill swillinger and found a brining meetup group 

  • change your name to stig hegweliore and form an amputee metal band

  • change your name to wafer strikespring and create an online dentistry mmo video game

  • change your name to tench fenderstein and become a food court critic for the ny times

  • change your name to phinneas sherpa and form a street gang for young men who lisp called the embarkadero cruisers

  • change your name to tito st. germaine and become a sexbot pimp

  • change your name to viva saint asptertaine and become a semi-nude mountain climber

  • change your name to bosco laqueef and open a vegan bbq joint in baton rouge

  • change your name to pinky carruthers and claim to be part of an elite international crime-fighting cadre

  • change your name to chad nomad and open a travel agency for bros

  • change your name to caligula sanchez and open a roman themed brothel in tijuana 

  • change your name to pip vandercloth and develop a neitzshe themed line of pop-up ads

  • rename your children kitty islam binky gravclaw

  • change your name to jehovax loblolly and become a male midwife

  • change your name to tony enzyme and become a drug dealer who distills the essence of fog into highly addictive fog injectors and sells them on the street

  • change your name to mee-maw warhol and manage a series of impossibly strange indie bands:

    • chazz princox and his forthright bi-sexuals

    • rod mammary and his just say yes to titties blues band

    • patterson areola and the cleavage minders

    • bris kumbaya and the foreskin humps

    • stig landswell and the particle mumps

    • suzy gigglewatt and the transgender asian bitches

    • ernst newborn and the luxury apathetics

    • vesuvius gaucho and the machine learners/what of saintly logic?

    • the van dyke entanglement brigade

  • change your name to stig dink and usher in a series of impossible dances:​

    • the panglossian tuck n’ strut

    • new steampunk dance craze: the leaky rivet strut

    • the fortified embankment (for people who prefer to stand still)

    • the consternation dirigible

    • the over-caffeinated waitress

    • the distressed asset (2008 edition)

    • the anti-gravity rickshaw

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