change your name

 

 

  • change your name to ogden palimpsest and open a flower store for robots

  • change your name to genesis p orridge and start a reality show called embalming with the stars

  • change your name to philodeaux and pen a year-end feature for people magazine called 'remembering all the celebrity stalkers we lost in 2019'

  • change your name to phil ingleblank and undertake a quixotic mission to reunite all the stray pubic hairs you see in public urinals with their original owners

  • change your name to horst mccracken, move to portland, and open a semi-nude whaling museum/bike shop

  • change your name to roscoe schwitters and form a nazi doo-wop group

  • change your name to lance bodkin and launch a reality tv show called embalming with the stars

  • change your name to chance nevermore, move to manhattan, and form a 911-themed funk band called the mohamed atta funk projekt

  • change your name to chad von bismarck, grow a handlebar mustache, move to durham, and open a craft brewery called sweet adolphus piss factory

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and adopt all the crispr babies you can find

  • change your name to esterhauz bingeworthy and open a store that only sells jihadi-themed memes on  bumper stickers and t-shirts

  • change your name to lizzie heretofore and market a food product called the uncertain burger: "what's in it? the heck if we know!"

  • change your name to covington barkshark and open a detective agency that helps schizophrenics investigate themselves

  • change your name to phinneas sweltercoil, move to portland, and make it your mission to get all 30-something earnest record store clerk-type dudes obsessed with becoming lighthouse keepers

  • change your name to chase la face and form a boy band for the right-wing post-roe v wade supreme court era: the backalley boys

  • change your name to binky von slathermilk and manage an all-cgi boys band called the green screen boyz

  • change your name to sorrel lightfoot and become a detective who hunts down missing socks in order to reunite them with their estranged sibling

  • change your name to chase van brockenstein and open a hipster eatery called urinal. a giant bathroom where the diners consume their meals inside bathroom stalls.

  • change your name to roscoe schwitters and form a nazi doo-wop group

  • change your name to sensei espinoza and market a snack food called aluminum blasts

  • change your name to kitty vesuvius, move to seattle, and found a company called artisinal minimalist narrative. what it does is unclear, but with the motto "cultivating authentic lived-in experiences," investors are clamoring to fund it. upon hearing the name, gwyneth paltrow buys a majority share for $68 million. soon the yelp reviews begin pouring in: "i felt so validated when i bought their lavendar something-or-other for my tiny airbnb house."

  • change your name to david sandborn, move to la, and become a sought-after session musician making music for people who don't really enjoy music

  • change your name to terrence grotesque, move to washington, and beat npr at their own game by starting the microscopic desk concert performance series. viewers must purchase lab-grade microscopes and military-grade microphones in order to view and hear them. 

  • change your name to epidril mandlehupf, move to san francisco, and open a hair-themed ice cream parlor: butterscotch toupee, dreadlock coffee crunch, mohawk sherbet, etc

  • change your name to zoe starshine, move to chapel hill, and teach a community course for uptight white liberals called 101 ways to signal cultural authenticity

  • change your name to cupertino longshanks and write a hit broadway musical about child abuse

  • change your name to name to ramona nevermore and open an edgar allen poe-themed ice cream parlor

  • change your name to oscar tidewell and open an hp lovecraft-inspired bagel place. "that eldritch, otherworldly, vaguely racist bagel place that's got everyone talking."

  • change your name to oscar impressario and start an advice column called "ask a salty disabled bricklayer"

  • change your name to lizzy sage and launch a line of emergency medical-themed desserts: chocolate chest wound, amputation pops, etc.

  • change your name to buttons cheshire and open a men's clothing store called ack! ack!

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and create a social media firestorm by writing an alternate reality sci-fi short story that inverts america's white appropriation of black artists. little richard rips off pat boone. public enemy rips off the beastie boys. prince rips off george michael, etc. the premise being that elvis's iconic 1950s television performance signals go from earth to a black hole and are re-echoed back 2,000 years earlier. the title of the story? black to the future.

  • change your name to hiroshima dan and found the center for applied ignorance

  • change your name to ignacio tenderloin, become a professional boxer for 25 years, then retire and open an eatery called knuckle sandwich

  • change your name to rip torn and open up a kid's ice cream parlor called caligula's

  • change your name to maurice garteroil and open the world's first restaurant where all the food is cgi. it would be called special fx and prices would be based on the complexity of the image rendering for each menu item.

  • change your name to beckwith tinderpoove and become a senior fellow at the center for applied vapidity

  • change your name to freckles breckenstein, move to tokyo, and become a sexbot repair technician

  • change your name to dj brew haha and open an electro disco brewery called draft punk

  • change your name to d'nousouza x and open an online school that teaches urban authenticity signaling skills to creative class whites who are among the first to gentrify urban neighborhoods. sample lessons: "skinny white dude, wearing that wu tang t-shirt makes you look like you're trying too hard. and stop name dropping that you have rapper's delight on the original 12" vinyl pressing. it won't work."

  • change your name to dj loose stool. create your own tagline: "you'll lose your shit when i drop my beats"

  • change your name to emerson trout and comport yourself as you imagine a southern man of letters would

  • change your name to chauncey trebuchet and walk around launching frozen peas at people from a plastic spoon

  • change your name to stig blighter and insist you were the one who invented punk

  • change your name to coco robespierre and write a self-help book about learning to not give a shit

  • change your name to velocity crescent and write caligula/thor fan fiction

  • change your name to ixnay ixnay rhumbumba and lead an all-trans 1920's latin big band on a norwegian cruise ship

  • change your name to jacques chanterelle and teach a sexbot cpr class at your local ymca. mandatory for all lifeguards and sex workers. all camp counselors are trained in it. restaurants have heimlich maneuver for sexbots posters posted. sexbots will eventually be equipped with defibrillators in case the human has a heart attack during sex

  • change your name to inky darkweed, move to seattle, and become an afterlife coach. "helping the dead be their best possible self."

  • change your name to shark cruelskin and become a shady dealer in jailbroken sex bots

  • change your name to big boi and insist on wearing a diaper in public. tell people you self-identify as infant.

  • change your name to ogden palimpsest and only date poets named govinda consuelo

  • change your name to skatch thrilljockey and open radio station that only hires stuttering djs

  • change your name to roscoe defenestrator and become professionally trained in hurling people out of windows. 

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and call everyone “butt mump”

  • change your name to charlemagne espinosa and hold yourself out as an etsy trending expert

  • change your name to binky nesbit and form a horror funk band called the blair witch funk project

  • change your name to corky montenegro and become a car alarm impersonator

  • change your name to lvez and make a living impersonating elvis impersonators

  • change your name to ernst favicon and introduce a line of lsd laced bubblegum

  • change your name to cavendish praxley and front a band called slut priest

  • change your name to rubric arrow and become a movie director known for having all characters chewing gum in every scene

  • change your name to leon fingerbang and open a semi-nude seafood restaurant

  • change your name to courtney octagon and teach teenage girls how to drag race down main street in customized muscle cars

  • change your name to quentin queefstream and become a semi-nude theater critic

  • change your name to e praxley goombah and found the society for the preservation of page boy haircuts

  • change your name to bogo jazzhands and become a mime rapper

  • change your name to buzzby and tell people you come from hot piss springs, arizona

  • change your name to falcon van papsmear and fashion yourself as a semi-nude aide de camp

  • change your name to hortense shychild and become a semi-nude dealer of illegal arms

  • change your name to boopsie rappaport and open a pet grooming service that caters to transgender pets

  • change your name to contra-contra indicator

  • change your name to miami silence machine and start a latin mime percussion quintet

  • change your name rad and become an upstart rockstar chef who insists on serving chicken breasts in a bra

  • change your name to cubist nightshade and become a surrealist heckler

  • change your name to andy ellipses and refuse to complete a thought

  • change your name to leopold slaughter and open a daycare called slaughter daycare

  • change your name to artemis boscage and proclaim aloud at work to anyone within earshot your love of impractical knowledge

  • change your name to harwell trasher von blightbluff and open a  tobacco and beard grooming shop for ghosts

  • change your name to steamgrass hottentwat and become a dealer of obscene antiquities

  • change your name to dr reed morpheus and launch a kickstarter to fund a mutant research lab

  • change your name to thorston mudgarde and start a semi-nude welding business in seattle

  • change your name to skyclad firefall and found a semi-nude music festival called thongaroo

  • change your name to fabioso callibrisi and become a director of gay albino italian midget  porn

  • change your name to ozark threadgill and start a semi-nude back-to-the-land movement

  • change your name to rocco praetorious and become a kinky isis commander

  • change your name to briggs clinco and enroll in law school to learn to play the bongos

  • change your name to hegwellier cesspool and become the world's first blind porn star

  • change your name to proust fairlane and found a school for semi-nude poets

  • change your name to jacadranda crotchrobbin and join ladysmith black mambazo as their first white, semi-nude member. after five years, they let you play tambourine.

  • change your name to dandy hotpants and dance at parties where no music is playing

  • change your name to gunther jackson and form a white supremacist funk band called josef goebbels panty raid

  • change your name to jehovax and campaign hollywood to create the world's first semi-nude superhero movie

  • change your name to leopold foxtrot and become a semi-nude chess grandmaster

  • change your name to doyle vandenburg and instead of walking, hold your arms out like wings and make airplane noises

  • change your name to thortch clusterhawk and stage a one-man diy revival of gilligans island

  • name your first child usb 2.0 and your second child usb 3.0

  • change your name to hattie ledbetter and open a semi-nude underground railroad

  • change your name to portly fiendish and launch a journal called necrophiliac quarterly

  • change your name to scupper greythorpe and begin dressing like a 19th century whaling captain

  • name your next child shiny batchain puller

  • change your name to buttons golightly, move to tokyo, and open a clinic that treats sexbots that have ptsd

  • change your name to brill swillinger and found a brining meetup group 

  • change your name to stig hegweliore and form an amputee metal band

  • change your name to wafer strikespring and create an online dentistry mmo video game

  • change your name to tench fenderstein and become a food court critic for the ny times

  • change your name to phinneas sherpa and form a street gang for young men who lisp called the embarkadero cruisers

  • change your name to tito st. germaine and become a sexbot pimp

  • change your name to viva saint asptertaine and become a semi-nude mountain climber

  • change your name to bosco laqueef and open a vegan bbq joint in baton rouge

  • change your name to pinky carruthers and claim to be part of an elite international crime-fighting cadre

  • change your name to chad nomad and open a travel agency for bros

  • change your name to caligula sanchez and open a roman themed brothel in tijuana 

  • change your name to pip vandercloth and develop a neitzshe themed line of pop-up ads

  • rename your children kitty islam binky gravclaw

  • change your name to jehovax loblolly and become a male midwife

  • change your name to tony enzyme and become a drug dealer who distills the essence of fog into highly addictive fog injectors and sells them on the street

  • change your name to mee-maw warhol and manage a series of impossibly strange indie bands:

    • chazz princox and his forthright bi-sexuals

    • rod mammary and his just say yes to titties blues band

    • patterson areola and the cleavage minders

    • bris kumbaya and the foreskin humps

    • stig landswell and the particle mumps

    • suzy gigglewatt and the transgender asian bitches

    • ernst newborn and the luxury apathetics

    • vesuvius gaucho and the machine learners/what of saintly logic?

    • the van dyke entanglement brigade

  • change your name to stig dink and usher in a series of impossible dances:​

    • the panglossian tuck n’ strut

    • new steampunk dance craze: the leaky rivet strut

    • the fortified embankment (for people who prefer to stand still)

    • the consternation dirigible

    • the over-caffeinated waitress

    • the distressed asset (2008 edition)

    • the anti-gravity rickshaw

© madheiress.com all rights reserved