• change your name to deacon sugarloaf and become an obese albino blues guitar hero

• change your name to chaz gewergebegibiet and form an anarchic noise collective called calamity husk

• change your name to ersatz templeroy and fake your way through life

• change your name to peggy suicide and become a contestant on doxxing with the stars

• change your name to reginald loincloth and form a band called zapruder film

• change your name to andromeda smalls and run an illicit sexbot chop shop out of your garage

• change your name to coggins spazzmodio and become the manager of an all-sexbot punk rock band: never mind the bollocks, here's the sex bots

• change your name to gaspar friendly and bury a time capsule with nothing in it but tweets

• change your name to nunu xixi and form a band called clearly racist, then form a side project with your middle-aged friends called ok, boomer

• change your name to rooster bledshoe and market a line of philosopher sexbots: the sartre "hell is other sexbots" model, the nietzche "will to ecstasy" sexbot, the socrates sexbot that comes with its own cup of hemlock

• change your name to sangfroid wayfarer and begin hunting whales in a 17th-century whaling ship

• change your name to chaz chupacabra and join the tibetan air force

• change your name to dinklage backroads and become a male midwife

• change your name to briscoe frimpong and dress in a clown costume while practicing as an end-of-life doula

• change your name to bolero cesspool and become a corporate life coach, where you encourage attendees to "find their magic"

• change your name to lady volkswagon and publish an autobiography titled phoney baloney

• change your name to dinky smalls and claim to have been born and raised inside the phantom city

• change your name to govinda atavist and commission lady gaga to write an opera skewering the modern online american woman entitled basic bitch (living my best life)

• change your name to terpsichore mysterioso and ensure you do seven inept things each day by 3pm

• change your name to mugsy burnsides and attend elementary school for 42 years

• change your name to dunstable tweetfinder and become a twitter detective who locates deleted tweets

• change your name to resin jobs and exclaim "mammy, you are one righteous cabbage" to people you admire

• change your name to baxter el olio and high-five stop signs at every opportunity

• change your name to dindle turnstiles and start nicknaming your friends "philadelphia party hat"

• change your name to norris burns and popularize a controversial mood therapy that involves sniffing glue

• change your name to chaz rumpole and become a narcoleptic detective, solving murder mysteries in your sleep

• change your name to patterson bamsquander and open a boutique goldfish grooming service

• change your name to the artist formerly known as knuckles basingstoke

• change your name to whims forthright and open the first ice cream truck in the seattle autonomous zone. customers pay not with money but by showing you their woke twitter posts.

• change you name to billy crumbwater and launch a dating app for n.a.m.b.l.a members

• change your name to hobart breadwax and open a custom surfboard shop where the boards are made out of 65% bread

• change your name to dribbles danforth and when people ask you if you're a basketball player, say "no, but i drool a lot"

• change your name to chaz terpsichore and become a life coach for dolphins, with the slogan "helping you find your sense of porpoise"

• change your name to nancy fractal and become a holographic stripper

• change your name to hurley shetland become cfo at a tech firm, then start using words like "electronical" and "authorizationized" with a straight face

• change your name to zuzu gaga and perfect the technique of flirting with small wounded animals

• change your name to ignatio cabbage and self-identify as cabbage patch kid. sue your employer and win when they fail to formally recognize you as such.

• change your name to crispin larkstank and market a kitchen product called plumber's salt. nobody knows what to use it for. toilet? food?

• change your name to baxter fairweather and change your linkedin title to violence worker

• change your name to michael palindrome and annoy people with endless verbal quips

• change your name to johnny camera and sell homemade flamethrowers from the back of your van

• change your name to george michael lucas and direct nothing but prequels to movies that don't exist

• change your name to stubbs elroy mcelroy and launch a site called wackipedia, where the information is entirely made up and ridiculous

• change your name to olaf olaf and form a malevolent finnish folk trio called skin the fool. all songs are about seasonal sacrificial rituals. 

• change your name to jeremy chance and produce porn for the covid era: stay at home sluts volume vii, skype vixens x, zoom sex party, sexy social distancers ii, etc.

• change your name to fred womble and shock the horror world by making a horror movie where nothing goes wrong in a cult or on a commune

• change your name to chauncey beauregard and become a maga ice sculptor. whenever a confederate statue is torn down, create an exact replica in ice and display it in a temperature-controlled glass case in your front yard.

• change your name to dinklage questlove and write a seven act comedy about a divorcee on a houseboat

• change your name to teakettle jones and found the center for applied ineptitude ("a thinktank dedicated to getting it wrong")

• change your name to stouffer heinrich, invent a time machine and travel back in time to become a paleozoic gay activist

• change your name to francois trundles and start a website called iodb (internet opinion database). a database of every opinion ever posted by anyone online. can be organized by name, topic, or chronology, enabling one to view the first ever opinion posted online. 

• change your name to chaz lemonmeister and teach theoretical aerobics

• change your name to hobo debauchery and form an all-woman's funk band called warm gretel, then an all-cathlic girl heavy metal band called virtue minder 

• change your name to amy christian cooper and start a hybrid dog walking/bird watching service

• change your name to jertzy foulmore and start a local meetup chapter for people who have the shared interest of defecating while standing up. have your first meeting be a group lunch where you all compare techniques.

• change your name to esterhaus tinterhosen and become a shark dentist

• change your name to chet bohampton and make a cool couple million marketing a line of laxatives to aging dudebros called shit yeah!

• change your name to amphigory jackson and greenlight reboots for the covid era: an office reboot where they all work from home, an exorcist remake that takes place entirely over skype, etc.

• change your name to sally butternut and become a non-traditional wedding planner, selling your clients on the exotic thrill of holding their wedding at the north korea/south korea dmz

• change your name to ziggy elfminder and have your first album be a greatest hits collection of obscure home-pressed singles that you couldn't even sell to your friends: elfminder: the collected hits

• change your name to isaiah nettles and found the institute for the preservation of ghost music

• change your name to chaz barkshark and become a poet who harbors an acute distrust of language

• change your name to baxter backtax and threaten to audit people who annoy you

• change your name to johnny anvil, then to johnny advil

• change your name to chaz valueadd and talk only in business speak: "i'll circle back to you next week on that." "what are our pain points with this?" hand out business cards that list your role as "businesstician"

• change your name to charlemain la croix and begin referring to yourself as "the great white hope of sevastopol"

• change your name to chaz fortuno and accost strangers with the question "just what are you hiding inside those bowels of yours?"

• change your name to arnold corns, wear turtleneck sweaters and your hair in a page boy cut, and a pair of tinted 60s psychedelic sunglasses. carry an acoustic guitar with you wherever you go.

• change your name to jertzy foulmore and organize an altamont 50th anniversary concert, where you book the rolling stones and hire hell's angels for security. insist that you didn't know anything about the tragic events of the first one.

• change your name to cosmo welschmertz and warn people of the upcoming protein riots

• change your name to oscar "party favors" sanchez and begin insisting on mandatory sensitivity training for fictional characters, with the avengers being the first attendees

• change your name to corky ajax and start referring to every cop you see as "my boo"

• change your name to deaclage turpesque and market a line of face masks that double as thongs

• change your name to bartholomew junjun and subsist on a diet of the crumbs found on and around your car seat

• change your name to bruno earwaller, sire eleven children, but find yourself unable to escape the conviction that you are the last person on Earth

• change your name to blackshaw ostensible and captain a greenpeace ship where you roam the seas in search of inflatable pool whales to save

• change your name to mittens tannenbaum and inherit an earmuff factory

• change your name to malone st swithins and write dystopic fiction about a society paralyzed by the need to like likes. anytime anyone posts anything, it kicks off a looping sequence of likes and likes of likes that chains people to their devices. fines are levied on those who neglect to like likes, people are fired for not meeting a quota of likes. industry eventually collapses, people stop feeding themselves. "the tension of the unliked like hung in the air, at first like objectionable flatulence and then with the electricity of an unexploded bomb. the minutes ticked away with no reciprocal likes. smith couldn't believe his eyes. he gasped, as if the air had gone out of the room. was this really happening?"

• change your name to artemis dangersides and treat every visit to the grocery store as an infiltration mission behind enemy lines from which you may never return

• change your name to terry eldritch and convince david lynch to adapt eraserhead into a saturday morning kid's cartoon

• change your name to riposte sanchez and launch the anti-foodie movement for people who dislike eating

• change your name to desmond demimonde and launch the hello kitty! goth movement

• change your name to eagon eccklethwaite and become a one-man wham! cover band

• change your name to roscoe bobbins and make it your life's work to elevate the pork rind to fine cuisine

• change your name to chaz favorpretzel and open a mennonite strip club

• change your name to chauncey stardust, become a powerful tv exec, and greenlight a scatological reboot of the office entitled the orifice

• change your name to möbius marley and release a jamaican rap sci-fi concept album called jah matrix

• change your name to floyd lloyd and become the world's foremost turtle whisperer

• change your name to tee dawg and insist that you are a celebrity, and charge $3,000 an hour for a zoom call

• change your name to mums bartzwelder and start a scuba club for kleptomaniacs

• change your name to praxley cavendish and spend your life perfecting the look of an animatronic elvis presley

• change your name to eldorado queefpot and open a whistling camp for midgets

• change your name to bobbins esterhaus and open a summer prank camp for kids called monkeyshines

• change your name to lucretia gangbang and form a female gang that rides on segways and menaces bro dudes

• change your name to baxter yum-yum and form a modern dance troupe made up of doughy middle-aged men with hairy backs and delusions of artistic grandeur

• change your name to chaz outrage and start sending strangers live spiders through the mail

• change your name to chaz aniston and greenlight a reboot of friends but have it set entirely in the mind of a solitary schizophrenic living alone in a rent-controlled nyc apartment

• change your name to chaz elfman and reform oingo boingo without any of the original members

• change your name to satchmo 'cool scat' d'arcy and become the hairdresser who popularizes 9th-century monk haircuts on hip-hop artists

• change your name to darcie elderflower and become a blind wiccan priestess

• change your name to alfredo bildgepump, become a drag torch singer, then beat the stuffing out of anyone who questions your machismo

• change your name to mandrake juz and launch a travel show called scalded planet, where you only visit places that can burn you

• change your name to spots vanderwood and open a semi-nude golf club

• nickname yourself 'slowhand' and play a single blues lick over and over for hours on end at open mic night

• change your name to spinnane organza and market a line of mood rings for sociopaths

• change your name to grizz drawls and start a church radio show called the golden shower gospel power hour, oblivious to the connotations of the phrase

• change your name to jah wobble and accuse anyone who bothers you of committing 'cyber libel'

• change your name to ian morrison and start referring to yourself as 'a rock and roll embarrassment'

• change your name to ignatious stringfellow and open a vape shop on a remote arctic research outpost, then complain about how slow business is

• change your name to rizzo shankely, become lady antebellum's new manager, and convince them to change their name to lady antifa. then convince the dixie chicks to change their name to the yankee chicks.

• change your name to dalton gumbo and produce a needlessly confrontational cajun cooking show called stirring the pot with dalton gumbo. for your first episode, you invite ta-nehisi coates and richard spencer on to help you make etouffee.

• change your name to deacon 'finger sandwich' o'shea and launch a 24-hour cable channel for estonian women's wrestling

• change your name to terry chalkmouth and lead a tour bus through the seattle autonomous zone

• change your name to hart flavorsample and begin sporting a thin moustache like it's a clever joke that only you are in on

• change your name to kevin 'flechette' robinson and host an interview show called hand-to-hand combat, where you physically spar with your guests while interviewing them

• change your name to baxter sweetbrier and begin dressing like a mid-70s pimp

• change your name to gavotte lemon and write inspector gadget coming-out lgbt fan fiction

• change your name to darryl strawberry and market a line of fruit-scented thongs for men

• change your name to eyeore powerball and author a series of junior detective novels where everyone is ludicrously ripped on steroids: the mystery of the ripped lifter, the veiny dumbbell caper

• change your name to chaz gherkin and start a circus clown doomsday cult in the seattle autonomous zone

• change your name to abertwombie nightlark and attempt to revive andrew dice clay's career. "they said it couldn't be done. they were right."

• change your name to el saurez flatbush and call for a return to 19th-century pubic grooming standards

• change your name to manny bottoms and become a social-rights advocate for ghosts, where you try to launch hashtags like #afterlivesmatter

• change your name to ad astra and move into a haunted house in upstate vermont where the ghosts only appear when you masturbate

• change your name to oleander clay and form a freak folk band called the six organs of admittance

• change your name to juniper mysteryswoop and form a pop group named bartleby and the sweatshop boys

• change your name to deacon tidewater and write a rock opera called american undergarment

• change your name to polly netscape and start a cyborg poetry journal called shark on the beach!

• change your name to ben blindfolds five and form a 90s slacker band called sediment

• change your name to triffid 'circuits' hagen and record a cover of michael jackson's thriller album in the style of kraftwerk

• change your name to slowhand smythe and write polite blues songs with titles like double shot of my baby's indifference

• change your name to chaz qualcom and market yourself as a business optimization metrics evangelist

• change your name to prince binomial and launch a dating app for the infected called okcovid

• change your name to bernard foxtrot and convince the jazz world that sun ra and she-ra recorded a duet album of avant jazz in the early 1982: the princesses of power arkestra

• change your name to lady gaga giigii googoo and make dance music for babies

• change your name to cyrus ochanzo and start a website called amaxon.com where you get 2 cents whenever someone mistakenly navigates there

• change your name to hotdog onasssis and open a guns and ammo store in the seattle autonomous zone

• change your name to mystique elderflower and become a woke midwife in asheville 

• change your name to carthage nemo and develop a new reality show called the biggest virtue signaler, where the one who can virtue signal most successfully wins a million dollars

• change your name to lady adelaide and begin dismissing people as "ear coddlers"

• change your name to conner sheridan and review video games as if they were avant-garde theater productions

• change your name to jock hazmat and start referring to yourself as a mountebank

• change your name to deacon bromide and form a surf rock trio that plays surf music on the theremin

• change your name to frankie thimblefist and open a cocktail bar called the final solution with holocaust-themed drink names

• change your name to fleckenstein breckenstein and run around shouting "you've been cancelled!" into people's faces

• change your name to dizzy dyzrhythmia and blow loudly on a kazoo whenever you enter a room

• change your name to the cobalt kid and open a hip eatery called mystery meat, where none of the dishes list the ingredients

• change your name to perry winklebroth and become an investment advisor to dead celebrities

• change your name to frederick mullholland and start a semi-nude military marching band

• change your name to leonardo feathertender and proclaim to all who will listen that the revolution will not be bowdlerized

• change your name to renee harlweather and found a religion based on the idea that people will be reincarnated as emojis

• change your name to petronious greyhat and develop a series of online video games based on 80s sitcoms:

  • a bosom buddies mmo where players play either as the two male protagonists in drag or the many many female coeds​

  • an eight is enough online shooter

  • a family ties real-time strategy game

  • a one day at a time domestic simulator

• change your name to spoons featherweight and become a freestyle mime rapper

• change your name to phinnieas aspertine and publish a poetry journal devoted to obscure 19th-century menial labor called cobblesquabber

• change your name to lucretia larkspur and launch a high-brow erotic magazine called sideboob

• change your name to fly ricky and insist that your wife refer to you as "pancho" and that you refer to her as "lefty" when out in public

• change your name to clarice afterthought and start an insurance company that offers life insurance for sexbots

• change your name to binomial prax and become a captain of the potato chip industry

• change your name to fitzweller rascalear and write a book called thrust: an illustrated history of the codpiece

• change your name to twyla thwap and found a blind dance troupe

• change your name to robespierre jackson and open a dung-based aromatherapy practice

• change your name to hannibal rector and form a jam band called dinosaur farts

• change your name to teddy moomenschanz and become a free-form interpretive dancer for corporate events

• change your name to chaz bojangles and open a chain of yiddish biscuit drive thrus

• change your name to marky malarky and write raps about what a fraud you are

• change your name to govinda batswain and make swooping motions whenever you enter a room

• change your name to bobby canaveral and open a dunking booth next door to a crack house

• change your name to saladania longacre and become a therapist for traumatized barbie dolls

• change your name to peaches poe and become an after-life wedding planner

• change your name to travis micronaut and start a rumor that you can develop covid-19 immunity by touching your toes 200x a day

• change your name to reginald fokker and become a mime death doula

• change your name to chaz bromide and become an intimacy coach to japanese men and the sex dolls they have married

• change your name to mums buttercream and become a method actor for mouthwash commercials 

• change your name to edward longshadow elderwolf, claim native american heritage, and start the occupy sesame street social movement

• change your name to dystopia fernbroth and write a broadway musical about the chernobyl disaster

• change your name to chavo chavez and get fired from your senior management position two days before retirement for pulling people's pants down at work

• change your name to kvatch spart and commit a series of heinous crimes simply to test your theory of what happens if you order an all-you-can-eat buffet on your last night on death row: if you can eat without end, can you stave off execution indefinitely?

• change your name to bryce warlock and advocate for the inclusion of male witches into the boy scouts

• change your name to dj condensation and play only water-centric music

• change your name to felonious mong and move to a town where people lean forward 45 degrees when they speak

• change your name to tompkins wonderstuff and get fired from your hotel job for scheduling a nambla convention and a boy scout's convention on the same weekend

• change your name to tony timbuktu and form a series of creedence clearwater revival performance art bands: creedence blackwater revival (i heard it through the enhanced interrogation grapevine, too proud to talk under  duress mary), creedence ceo revival (born in the east hamptons,"it is me, it is me, i am a fortunate son," bad merger rising, playin' in a shareholder's band) creedence covid revival

• change your name to terrence o and form a series of garfield-themed cover bands: garfield and oates, the garfield dead, simon and garfield, garfieldfunk railroad

• change your name to esterhaus consignmentdroid and become a door-to-door sexbot salesman

• change your name to teddy mifune and update the infamous rick roll prank to use this song, with the saying being "you've been ayonga rolled!"

• change your name to clinton furywings and become a professional baiter of right-wing trolls

• change your name to rocco pianoforte and become a semi-nude concert pianist

• change your name to chester butternuts and abandon your upper management position to return to the paper route you had in 7th grade

• change your name to tik tok mcintire and introduce a line of sour candies called cancer cuties

• change your name to kosmo mcswain and open a burning man-themed daycare business

• change your name to francois gooligan and market a line of self-help products called that beautiful bullshit that tells you you're special

• change your name to fitzgerald mansplainer and insist that women don't really exist

• change your name to edward bellweather and develop an impossibly arcane tv quiz show in which panelists are asked to name the favorite beverages of 17th-century saints

• change your name to teddy morningsides and direct a live action anime remake of the breakfast club

• change your name to ludovico brandywine and become a professional critic of children's art

• change your name to bedpan onassis and convince tommy hillfiger to release a line of men's loincloth casual wear

• change your name to beowulf la beuf, become a tv exec, and greenlight a saturday morning tv series about caligula. also have caligula join the cast of space ghost and scooby doo

• change your name to scutter greythorpe and stage a kabuki theater adaptation of jaws

• change your name to courtney forthright and market a line of punk rock sock puppets

• change your name to terry damascus and remake every episode of m.a.s.h. as an anime cartoon

• change your name to tarryweather templeton and open a sanctuary for transgender tigers

• change your name to spotswood houndthrasher and insist you have superpowers when you wear a cravat

• change your name to fez spackler and win the the dylan thomas international poetry award for your poem ode to a downward trending instagram influencer. follow that with ode to an aging youtube toy unboxing channel star

• change your name to tristan zara and develop a line of sanitary products for devout christians called nativity wipes

• change your name to peter barfsalot and form an animal house tribute band

• change your name to anais ninny and write erotic feminist limericks

• change your name to magic eyes hooligan and start dancing every evening at 6 outside your local whole foods

• change your name to dub mystique and start calling your boss 'hugglepumpf'

• change your name to odette scarfsalot and become a professional theater critic of junior high school productions, where you write things like "despite a game cast, you're a good man charlie brown fails to find its footing"

• change your name to ice cream sanchez and become a goth clown for children's parties

• change your name to jethro tool and brew a line of non-alcoholic moonshine deep in the kentucky hills 

• change your name to val valentino, carry a boombox with you and play she's a bad mamajama at top volume whenever you enter a room

• change your name to zsa zsa oswego and become a go-go dancer at senior center bingo tournaments

• change your name to adolphus favorhoop and open a donut shop inside a sanitarium

• change your name to quintonious larkspire and write poems about the minor irritants of middle-class life: waiting in line at costco, the guy upstairs is banging on the pipes again at 6am, have porch pirates stolen my amazon package?

• change your name to tabitha ratpacker and stage a one-woman off-off broadway show about courtney love called a love story

• change your name to vic fudgeback and open a pizza parlor on the ocean floor and then expand and open another in orbit around the iss

• change your name to mackenzie blooper and open a chain of haunted houses inside maximum security prisons

• change your name to floyd flavanoid and start a business installing slot machines inside funeral homes

• change you name to kevin 'covid toes' johnson and become a rodeo clown

• change your name to buxtehude von bingen and adapt the 90s film basic instinct into a children's saturday morning cartoon series

• change your name to quartermaster hornthruster and build a life-sized 18th century whaling vessel in your backyard

• change your name to lucretia banditshine and develop and market a bio-engineered line of woke cologne: the banditshine virtue signalling collection

• change your name to chad oleander and move to austin, tx to found the world's first backwards film festival

• change your name to bohampton rococo and open an antique store that specializes in 19th-century prosthetic limbs

• change your name to cinnabon lyft and offer to give people a ride on your back to the nearest starbucks

• change your name to travis mctravis and begin going door to door selling unofficial girl scout thin-mint scented face masks 

• change your name to philoneous gastronomique and become a professional menu writer for upscale pretentious restaurants

• change your name to boutros-boutros galileo and advance an africa-centric astronomy

• change your name to chad tebo and reinvent yourself as a faux jamaican rapper

• change your name to ernesto bobbins and indulge your newfound hobby of crashing high-school reunions 

• change your name to helena handbasket and begin shouting "the british are coming!" from your rooftop at 4am

• change your name to brash favorhoop and market a line of bizarre food products:

  • gibbons particle melts​

  • o'neil's chocolate bloopers

  • half-jackson banana leavings

  • pigs in a straightjacket

  • large hadron collider particle snaps

  • snap, crackle, disaster!

  • grandma's peanut butter dodecahedrons

  • blueberry squad anger juice

  • dunstable's coconut microagressions

  • hadley's confusion goo

  • nacho derivable bearevement clusters

  • nate's unconscionable oats ("there's no excusing this")

  • whatchamacovid

  • lockdownonios

  • o'connell's caramel coronavirus goo-goo clusters

  • urban isolation lunchables

  • urban blight flatbreads ("as flat as the chances of economic life ever returning to your city")

  • quarantine blasts ("a tart burst of lemony disinfectant that puckers your very soul")

  • bit-o-heiney/bit-o-honky

  • pol pot pie

  • serotonin reuptake inhibitor snaps

  • o'shaughnessy's virtue signalling pudding 

  • fuggetaboutit ("seven times denser than your average candy bar, and eleven times more likely to dislodge a tooth")

• change your name to esterhaus fairweather and open a matchmaking app to place pet owners with pets called bark right

• change your name to yobbo mctaggart and open a semi-nude lsd-fueled bungee jumping business in costa rica

• change your name to tunkington cusp and run around telling every police officer you can find that you just witnessed a bear attack at whole foods

• change your name to eduard openfold and market a line of war-/death-themed snack foods:

  • kaiser periscopes "30,000 kreigsmariners gave their lives so you could enjoy this"​

  • carpet bombers "these dense gobs of nougat and sharpnel will annihilate your hunger"

  • binky's nacho napalm poppers "21% more napalm than the leading brand"

  • lemon defenstration snaps "so good you'll leap to your death when you finish them!"

  • peter's old fashioned strangle loaf

• change your name to quintin long-pyles and publish the cookbook101 delicious vending machine recipes, with delicacies like caramelized funyuns

• change your name to trampoline hutchinson and become a one-man inxs cover band

• change your name to portnoy and complain a lot

• change your name to linkage dubois and spray yourself with a fine shark-scented mist before entering any room

• change your name to feldspar gathercoal-day and organize a meditation retreat for sexbots

• change your name to heinkel malancthia and start a semi-nude craft brewing concern. your first beer is the fabrics optional ipa: a fruity bethonged blend of juniper berries and crack sweat

• change your name to thom thumb yorke and release a concept album about dating in a dystopia called okcomputercupid

• change your name to constance evertwat and develop a fancy rustic gated communities and beach homes with names like taliban hideaway, infidel acres, laden's refuge, jihadi terrace, caliphate ridge

• change your name to santiago lemonbroth and call everyone "shark soup"

• change your name to sweetback briar and hire a band to follow you around and play your theme song whenever you walk into a room: a ska-tinged ditty w/ a rap break delivered in a jamaican patois that the average midwesterner can understand

• change your name to booby lalauex and open a bikini car wash service staffed entirely by transgender sexbots

• change your name to dj money esquire iii and open a dystopic version of disneyland, where every ride riffs on the idea of the decline of western civilization

• change your name to dunstable elderflower and devote your life to writing hong kong phooey fan fiction

• change your name to parker grovepoint and aspire to market the most unappetizing food items ever brought to market:

  • flavor shitters: "these tangy mofos take a big flavor dump in your mouth with each bite!"​

• change your name to tommy lemonade and start a semi-nude 1940's big band: tommy lemonade and the semi-nude jumpin' jivers

• change your name to odetta delacroix and write an award-winning cookbook where every recipe calls for a non-existent baking ingredient called reconstituted shard paste

• change your name to lil' ill and write hip hop lyrics from the point of view of deadly viruses:

  • detect and infect 
    no time to reflect
    i hit a prime minister 
    you call it sinister
    tom hanks gives thanks to be breathing
    heard my rhymes he's still reeling
    got the world on the run
    each sneeze like bullets from a gun 
    if my beat makes you ill
    stay home and chill

• change your name to monsignor ploppypants and write essays in praise of self-shittery

• change your name to abbington abbatoir and form a pro-fascist dance band called abbington abbatoir and the high-kicking bastards

• change your name to tincture jones, move to carrboro, and become a life coach who specializes in vesuvian mind wipes

• change your name to winston pepperpots and form a semi-nude kite flying club

• change your name to flavanoid brainchild and start a semi-nude dog walking service

• change your name to ole! tarantula and become indignant when people leave out the "!" when writing your name

• change your name to lil' 'thulu and write hp lovecraft-inspired hip hop songs:

  • "i be throwing eldritch rhymes to wrap around your mind. my rhyme is like a tentacle. your sanity is expendable. trap you in my fantasy."​your breakout hit is a duet with beyonce about the sunken city beneath the sea

• change your name to jock o'hazeldean and form a semi-nude fife and drum corps

• change your name to roscoe haltertop and win an oscar for your film montage of people dropping their cell phones into the toilet

• change your name to vic virus and form a oi! punk band called the unwitting spreaders

• change your name to tiger lilliputian and form a hootie and the blowfish cover band called tiger and the puffer fish

• change your name to larkspur goforth and singlehandedly popularize the phrase "shoulder breath"

• change your name to freddy turpentine and write a one-act play called the day day seth green and jonah hill stopped being fat

• change your name to philomenia merryweather bong & market a line of bizarrely named snack foods: spastic spatula poppers, tantric nut busters

• change your name to satchmo smith and start a primitive creole jazz band made up of retired white lawyers called hoochie coochie and the graveyard stompers

• change your name to akiko wonderstuff and release a series of cutesy anime shorts that reenact iconic tragedies of the 20th century: jfk and mlk jr assassinations, challenger explosion, 911, etc.

• change your name to bohampton bellows and write a self-help book for men called awaken the bastard within

• change your name harry threadgill and market a line of offensive vietnam-war themed emojis: napalm facepalm, mai lai weepy face 

• change your name to patton olegarch and pitch a show called origin story: every episode is an origin story so the plot never gets started and viewers never care about any of the characters 

• change your name to oswego gonad and form a militant african vocal group called ladysmith black panther mambazo

• change your name to corky montenegro and form a new wave band called the fauvist spleens. then fire everyone in the band and rebrand it as a protest folk group called turley montague and the goddamn fascist bastards

• change your name to bonk! mcmillan and author a series of pret-tween semi-nude choose your own adventure books. no matter the reader's decision, the result involves semi-nudity. titles would be things like the thong of justice.

• change your name to gustav nani and open a car repair place called gustavo's hardcore car care

• change your name to andy firepants and record an album of radiohead songs sung in esperanto

• change your name to eduoard breadfruit and start a long-haul trucking company staffed entirely by former circus clowns

• change your name to bijoux mcswithins and stage a semi-nude amateur theatrical production of star wars

• change your name to mums strikespring and form a slient new wave electro band called tokyo joe and the whisperbumps

• change your name to giorgio jetson and insist on wearing a cap with a propeller on top

• change your name to tuppert o'hare and become the world's first irish male douala

• change your name to stank norman and open a turtle petting zoo

• change your name to rupert fiona giles and start a hybrid steampunk/aborigine fashion craze

• change your name to eco covinious and organize a series of "socratic meet and greets" in an abandoned school building on the outskirts of town

• change your name to lark nightingale and form a middle-aged semi-nude boy band called semi-nude new-old direction

• change your name to process reclamation unit and become the world's first steampunk didgeridoo player

• change your name to jebediah pancreas and become a master craftsman of pornographic carved wood art

• change your name to dexter barkbark and form a bon jovi/bon iver dance cover band called bon jiver

• change your name to culkin o'flattery and open new york's first semi-nude irish bar, finnegan's grotto

• change your name to dieter pockets and launch a fall fashion line of women's clothes called the schadenfreude collection, designed to be as unflattering as possible

• change your name to bradly offenbach and start saying "not for all the gramophones in china!" whenever someone asks you to do something you don't want to do

• change your name to winchester weatherly and found a summer camp for effeminate boys called camp queerwater

• change your name to chazz bonaroo, launch a successful startup, and institute a mandatory workplace hackeysacking rule: all employees are issued a company fanny pack and hacksack, and must play at least one hour a week

• change your name to geronimo sanchez and open a skydiving school for sexbots

• change your name to nico iconic and form a 80's japanese goth cover band called sushi and the banshees

• change your name to stackhouse strueddel and teach a self-defense course for sexbots

• change your name to jehovax armitage trout and write a 1,000 page treatise in which you reassess the cultural significance of car chase music from 1970's detective films

• change your name to chad bromide and reintroduce the member's only jacket as a fashion statement

• change your name to junkets pinkerton and pull the fire alarm during your first day on the job

• change your name to tarryweather faircloth and open a chain of haunted houses inside maximum security penitentiaries

• change your name to dexter dunwich and open a restaurant in downtown durham called allergy. serve fussy vegan/food intolerance types unseasoned blocks of tofu but nail the mindful of dietary restrictions vibe so well that people find themselves returning for more.

• change your name to archie stetson and write a hit broadway musical about eczema

• change your name to tennyson bowie and teach your children an invented alphabet

• change your name to frank toastershine and invent a machine that creates pizza out of nothing when you turn it on

• change your name to waldo pinchminder, become a film historian, and claim to have discovered a lost marx brothers film, bullshit at the bolshoi

• change your name to sweetwater sanchez and market a line of waterbeds for pets

• change your name to tomahawk montague and open a combo daycare/ax throwing space

• change your name to bottoms lundblad and introduce a men's cologne named mandrake bildgepump. "smell like dank water and own it."

• change your name to john handcock and write the anti-holiday classic like hell it's christmas

• change your name to tycho greyfist and write the relationship bestseller men are from mars, women are from kandahar province

• change your name to quintin thurberbund and pitch a trio of sigmund freud-insptire tv shows:

  • ​a friends-themed sitcom about early viennese psychiatrists living together called freuds

  • a tv reboot of lord of the rings where the protagonist is a dwarven psychiatrist named freudo

  • a daytime game show with competing families of psychiatrists called family freud

• rewrite the most popular stories of hp lovecraft, making the threat be that of smooth jazz: the smooth jazz shadow over innsmouth, the smooth jazz soothings out of space, the case of smooth jazz cat charles dexter ward, herbert west - smooth jazz reanimator. "the mad saxxers of azathoth played nothing but smooth jazz and to hear their soundless music meant insanity."

• change your name to totten saunders and form a band named lincoln park, which sets the speeches of abraham lincoln to the music of linkin park. then form a side project named linkedin park, which does smooth corporate-rock adaptations of linkin park songs.

• change your name to contra indicator and form a series of bizarre performance art punk bands:

  • taliban selfie​, where at every gig you take a hostage and live stream their decapitation

  • missing parsons, a bible-themed new wave band. (name later changed to prioryhead)

  • lint magnet, where you all wear lint-covered clothes and sing songs about laundry issues

  • a jihadi 80's pop band named talibananarama

• change your name to finn frightmore and devote your life to trying to scare inanimate objects: "i made that table jump, did you see it?!"

• change your name to fizz larkin and build a rocketship out of chia pets

• change your name to robert arborbuckle and market a line of woke toys for boys: transgenders ("non-binary robots in the sky"), mighty gender morphing power ranger, gi joe/josephine, latinax teenage mutant ninja turtles

• change your name to dandy warbucks and form a ne're do well punk band called trust fund. release a concept album entitled monopoly, where all the songs are about how great it is to be rich.

• change your name to papa "buckles" hemhoffer and convince america's automotive industry be take a more honest approach to their t.v. commercials by lacing their ads with subliminal imagery: scenes of gleaming metallic pickup trucks cruising through rain soaked streets are intercut with fleeting images of erect cocks and fists pounding against slabs of meat; sleek sports cars curving gracefully along pacific coast highways are intercut with momentary images of brazilian waxed pussies, ruby red lipstick, blow jobs and dollar bills, etc. etc.

• change your name to herbert van carryout and form an indie rock classical hybrid mozart quintent called camper van mozart

• change your name to pussy riot and form a feminist punk band called weinstein walker

• change your name to muscles pilkington and open a boxing gym for ghosts. "oh they're there in the ring boxing, you just can't see them."

• change your name to pez beltran and form a cabaret group named pez beltran and the dark garlic sin eaters

• change your name to franzetta tuttungian and become the greatest living director of pringles potato chip commercials the world has ever seen

• change your name to larkspur onassis and start an uber competitor but using dirigibles instead of cars

• change your name to prax golightly and open the first 7-eleven on an asteroid

• change your name to barth thistledown and start an aggressively meat-positive home meal service called helloflesh!

• change your name to portugal mcswoon and open a pet fish grooming service

• change your name to frasca tenchpole and start endorsing your linkedin contacts for disturbing or corrosive areas of expertise: enhanced interrogation (aka "mood tuning"), black ops site management, social media hacks,  

• change your name to citronella pattington-parker and open a restaurant for the instagram-obsessed called selfie. patrons choose an assortment of customized daily instagram filters to 'season' their dish. the waiter brings you a tablet to accompany meal so you can upload the image to your feed with the unique filter. it becomes all the rage and some regular patrons don't even eat the food, preferring only to curate their feed with the envy-inducing images. it catches on so thoroughly that soon restaurants are advertising for 'filter chefs' to join their team. goop lists your restaurant as one of it's ten best for 2020.

• change your name to gaspar de fabrizio and form a decadent roman-themed art punk band called the caligula protocol

• change your name to doubtfire le strange and release an album of ambient soundscapes entitled klezmer favorites from the 23rd century

• change your name to faux cruddite and pioneer a new cinema verite using sexbots as the leads

• change your name to oinks mcginty and open your own bleeding-edge cgi studio with a militant queer agenda. your first release is a flawless cgi recreation of john wayne in a homoerotic western called gobbler's knob. the estate of john wayne sues you but you're too wealthy to care and release your film for free online.

• change your name to mums bartholomew and form a huey lewis cover band called huey lewis and the fake news

• change your name to van ordinaire and start a theremin-based funk ensemble called bats babblesquander and the fappertronics

• change your name to garth pursehouse and dedicate your life to throwing women off balconies

• change your name to bats babblesquander and open a hip restaurant named gaze, where the floors, walls, ceilings, and tables are mirrored. the bathrooms are, too. motto: "for the narcissist in all of us."

• change your name to garbagepants onassis and start an evangelical talking heads cover band called stop making sins 

• change your name to faison bojangles and develop a robot songwriter fashioned after paul mccartney. it does nothing except write love songs, and is soon writing the best love songs humanity has ever heard

• change your name to courtney boring and cultivate a new line of garden flowers that you name perineum favorites

• change your name to creationist eventide and create a line of bespoke twitter bots: postmodern novelist bot, feminist meme bot, systems theory bot, and so on

• change your name to fabrizio darkside and start a razzie awards show for the worst use of cgi in hollywood films

• become a dj and perform under a variety of names all intended to trigger the woke demographic: 

  • dj white privilege​

  • dj maga

  • dj male gaze

  • dj cisgend

  • dj stop&frisk

• change your name to teleport primrose and found the bobbins synthetic fruit collective, which even you are unclear of the purpose of

• change your name to rider strong and open a surfing school on the sevastopol for russian troll bots

• change your name to whims mimsy and market a line of absurdist s.a.t. test prep books:

  • based on the passage, the author's opinion on female circumcision is likely:​​​​

a) positive​

b) negative

c) undecided

d) the author does not know what circumcision is

e) all of the above

• in the third paragraph, the boy's attitude about mollusks could best be summarized as:​​​

a) intrigued

b) frightened

c) ambivalent

d) loving

e) none of the above

• change your name to otto 'larceny' jones and convince the us navy to construct an experimental vagina-shaped aircraft carrier

• change your name to jonathan depp and form a hindu new wave funk collective called frankie goes to bollywood

• change your name to spats oleander and open a funeral home where the bodies are laid out wearing brightly colored spandex

• change your name to bijou bijoeux, become a queer studies researcher, then intentionally mispell "gender" as "gander" in an effort to "unpack assumed constructs of identity." write things like "gander-identity politics," "non-binary gander," and so on, insisting that your editors not alter it.

• change your name to consuelo buranda and form a mime salsa band named consuelo and the afterthoughts

• change your name to scallywag goknuckle, start a venture capital firm in wall street, and institute a pirate-themed office dress code

• change your name to old sickly bastard and form a rap trio named the wuhan clan, then release the album license to ill, where all songs are about deadly viruses

• change your name to el goucho le tart and open a restaurant that serves all its soups in chamber pots

• change your name to osiris breadstalk and knit a line of punk rock sock puppets

• change your name to sam riddimpole and buy a beach house that you name fuhrer's roost

• change your name to patterson driftwood and become america's most popular poet of personal hygiene. titles like a pleasing scent and the joy of sufficiently ventilated public transport establish your mastery of the subject, selling millions of copies. old spice, dove, and gillette hire you to bring a poetic touch to their ad copy. soon, personal hygiene ads across america are outdoing one another in bids for poetic flourish. the norton anthology of perspiration poetry is published and becomes mandatory reading in college-level english. you launch your own line of men's cologne, the driftwood collection, which is endorsed by the academy of american poets.

• change your name to velocity crescent, move to costa rica, and lead lsd-fuelled bungee jumping extreme sport excursions

• change your name to buttons barrett and forma a clown-based pink floyd tribute band called prank floyd

• change your name to pinkie sangria and form a mime football team that qualifies to play in the nfl

• change your name to terry tee and open a steak joint called terry's upchuck house

• change your name to jackson momo and stage a one-man play that re-enacts every episode of the real-time espionage show 24

• change your name to dyad skyfarer and start an online dating site for pets

• change your name to amy sedatious and publish an alternate-history coffee table book called sexbots of the antebellum south

• change your name to romeo starkweather and teach a self-defense class for plants

• change your name to "sutures" smith and specialize in hostage re-escalation. "oh shit, he's letting the hostage go. sutures, get in there and antagonize him!"

• change your name to gran mal and convince george lucas to make an animated star wars show starring chewbaca mom

• change your name to tench otterpaw and form a black power-themed beach boys cover band. somehow, it just works.

• change your name to colefax espinoza and open a hip brooklyn cafe for breatharians. artisinal oxygen is on the menu.

• change your name to harold warsurrender and start a wwii-themed ice cream parlor, with photos of period weapons, and each flavor is named after decisive battles. "i'd like two scoops of battle of the bulge and one of normandy beach. with a sprinkling of pearl harbor."

• change your name to otto prefecture and start the world's first developmentally differently-abled space force

• change your name to blanche a la carte and start a heavy metal thompson twins cover band

• change your name to tom swift and invent the world's first robot teen idol: james dean v2.0 stars in rebel without a social media following

• change your name to saboot toochi and popularize a hyrid music genre of doo wop and trap

• change your name to scupper culthorpe and turn your work cube into a lighthouse

• change your name to arsenio dockside start a late night talk show for robots. "up next, model x-11j57 tells us all about its servo upgrades!"

• change your name excelsio muchado and teach a meringue class for sexbots

• change your name to beta otaku and commission japan's most famous artist to create a manga comic about your own life

• change your name to orion sandlewood and donate billions to george lucas's favorite charity on the condition that lucasarts makes a spin off jar-jar binks movie with you as one of the lead characters

• change your name to becca wilcox, move to chapel hill, and start a lesbian soccer mom podcast

• change your name to yoinks mcginty and hack all roadside billboards in america to display photos of hummingbirds

• change your name to billings patently and devote your entire life to categorizing itches. rejoice when your life's crowing achievement is accomplished: publication of the big book of itches

• change your name to tau-tau, move to downtown durham, and open a woke donut shop that serves donuts that challenge the patriarchy

• change your name to cutter nightshade a publish a collection of poetic odes to porn movies: 
   

girl on lawn languishes with desire
hot wax on dank ass
screen on fire
red eyes, blue dawn

nightshade nurses are doin' it for themselves

rocco stifforia makes the scene at the car wash

twenty three more mouse clicks makes everything all right
 

• change your name to jehovax gabbersquand and begin selling girl scout stogies door to door

• change your name to smithers mcgooch and begin publishing defenestration review: the world's only journal devoted to the topic of hurling people out windows

• change your name to st. john pettigrew and open a service that provides a.i. ghost writing services to authors

• change your name to mao st. pierre, become a world-famous balladeer, and release a grammy-award winning album of ballads called do i have your consent to fall in love?

• change your name to roscoe funkbatt, move to seattle, and become a dealer in jailbroken sexbots. "unlock a new world of pleasure when you disable the safety mechanisms."

• change your name to bentley moreshower and start a little league hockey team for ghosts

• change your name to eunice breadsnort and pitch a reboot of classic british novels with sexbots as the protagonists: sexbots and sensibility, wuthering sexbots, pride and prejudice and sexbots, far from the madding crowd (of sexbots), jude the obscure (sexbot), great sexbot expectations

• change your name bash st. tarkington, move to l.a., and become a successful virginity repair surgeon

• change your name to binky microcosm and pitch a snarky animated comedy called biden his time, about hunter biden, the hapless under-qualified rich kid who continually stumbles into high paying opportunities that he knows basically nothing about

• change your name to mims prefab and invent the gender-reassignment burger, a tasty synthetic meat product that speeds up the gender transition process. known as the "trans burger," it's an instant hit.

• change your name to jehovax trunktooth and market a gourmet snack with unknown ingredients named candied jehovax sass

• change your name to lady harpsichord, move to downtown durham, and open a pet grooming service for robot pets

• change your name to aloysius jackson, self identify as african american, and insist you are the secret 6th member of the jackson 5

• change your name to oleg fatumpfbarrel and open the world's most complete toilet museum in the small town in which you live

• change your name to portnoy sanchez, move to brooklyn, and start the world's first rotisserie kraken foodtruck

• change your name to krugman and start an online review site called meta yelp devoted to user reviews of user reviews

• change your name to yelps turwelliver and discover how to make music that defies the natural law of time, completing  instantaneously while offering a beginning, middle, and end. in this way, a 15-minute piece appears and vanishes within an instant. audiences drive for hours to spend only a few seconds listening to a full evening's music in their seats. an after-hours dance party lasts approximately seven seconds.

• change your name to ashfont binomial and form a post-modern theoretical guns and roses cover band called appetite for deconstruction

• change your name to peter principled and start a tasteful erotica site for fishmongers called sardines and lace

• change your name to paris marx, move to san francisco, and begin hosting nihilist sex parties in homeless shelters

• change your name to prax zither and open the world's first museum of art painted by robots

• change your name to ernst rotter and form the world's first punk band fronted by a sexbot, o pleasureful o

• change your name to chauncy goforth, inherit a modest sum from an aunt, retire to winesburg, ohio, and spend the rest of your days writing ronald mcdonald fan fiction

• change your name to mims whimsy and open up a hip eatery called splat!, named for the sound the food makes upon impact when the chef hurls it from the kitchen onto the serving plate on your table. patrons must sign a waiver releasing the restaurant from any responsibility for missed throws.

• change your name to binky tangible, move to hollywood, and make millions writing neo-con rom coms

• change your name to archie tunnels and program an a.i. to write better love songs than human beings

• change your name to phillipa groper and hire yourself out to hollywood studios as an intimacy coordinator

• change your name to lowden loudermilk, move to l.a., and become a sought-after surgeon who specializes in armpit implants

• change your name to mums gandermilk and form a beatles cover band cover band, and insist you are covering the cover versions of the original songs

• change your name to quincy sludge and become a dance instructor of mid-80s robo synth pop moves

• change your name to gertrude dammeron and dress like a viking on casual fridays

• change your name to wompum fan-fan and open a bagel shack right outside a max security federal prison

• change your name to skyhawk gunderson and become a therapist for drones

• change your name to chase bivouac and set up a lemonade stand inside of a busy public urinal. slogan: "nothing wasted"

• change your name to henry quasar and self-identify as a faun, convincing your socially progressive tech employers to officially recognize you as such as part of their inclusiveness policy 

• change your name to the aritst formerly known as jospeh goebbels and open a dance club called dresden sex beat, and launch an elecroclash side project called the belsen pleasure initiative

• change your name to garth winkle and open a sex club that caters to patrons with a root canal fetish

• change your name to ignacio tenderloin, move to manhattan, and open a pet sitting service that caters to gender-neutral pets

• change your name to dinky dao and cultivate a new hobby of listening to an audiobook while simultaneously watching the movie adaptation

• change your name to patterson van ronk and dress like a tennis coach in 1979

• change your name to habberdasher frondley  and insist that in your latest dreams you are reminded of earlier dreams you dreamt in years past