change your name

  • change your name to darryl strawberry and market a line of fruit-scented thongs for men

  • change your name to lady gaga giigii googoo and make dance music for babies

  • change your name to binomial prax and become a captain of the potato chip industry

  • change your name to fitzweller rascalear and write a book called thrust: an illustrated history of the codpiece

  • change your name to twyla thwap and found a blind dance troupe

  • change your name to robespierre jackson and open a dung-based aromatherapy practice

  • change your name to hannibal rector and form a jam band called dinosaur farts

  • change your name to teddy moomenschanz and become a free-form interpretive dancer for corporate events

  • change your name to chaz bojangles and open a chain of yiddish biscuit drive thrus

  • change your name to marky malarky and write raps about what a fraud you are

  • change your name to govinda batswain and make swooping motions whenever you enter a room

  • change your name to bobby canaveral and open a dunking booth next door to a crack house

  • change your name to saladania longacre and become a therapist for traumatized barbie dolls

  • change your name to peaches poe and become an after-life wedding planner

  • change your name to reginald fokker and become a mime death doula

  • change your name to chaz bromide and become an intimacy coach to japanese men and the sex dolls they have married

  • change your name to mums buttercream and become a method actor for mouthwash commercials 

  • change your name to edward longshadow elderwolf, claim native american heritage, and start the occupy sesame street social movement

  • change your name to dystopia fernbroth and write a broadway musical about the chernobyl disaster

  • change your name to chavo chavez and get fired from your senior management position two days before retirement for pulling people's pants down at work

  • change your name to kvatch spart and commit a series of heinous crimes simply to test your theory of what happens if you order an all-you-can-eat buffet on your last night on death row: if you can eat without end, can you stave off execution indefinitely?

  • change your name to bryce warlock and advocate for the inclusion of male witches into the boy scouts

  • change your name to dj condensation and play only water-centric music

  • change your name to felonious mong and move to a town where people lean forward 45 degrees when they speak

  • change your name to tompkins wonderstuff and get fired from your hotel job for scheduling a nambla convention and a boy scout's convention on the same weekend

  • change your name to tony timbuktu and form a series of creedence clearwater revival performance art bands: creedence blackwater revival (i heard it through the enhanced interrogation grapevine, too proud to talk under  duress mary), creedence ceo revival (born in the east hamptons,"it is me, it is me, i am a fortunate son," bad merger rising, playin' in a shareholder's band) creedence covid revival

  • change your name to terrence o and form a series of garfield-themed cover bands: garfield and oates, the garfield dead, simon and garfield, garfieldfunk railroad

  • change your name to teddy terpsichore and convince george lucas to produce a star wars holiday special where boba fett appears in blackface and does jazz hands

  • change your name to esterhaus consignmentdroid and become a door-to-door sexbot salesman

  • change your name to teddy mifune and update the infamous rick roll prank to use this song, with the saying being "you've been ayonga rolled!"

  • change your name to clinton furywings and become a professional baiter of right-wing trolls

  • change your name to rocco pianoforte and become a semi-nude concert pianist

  • change your name to chester butternuts and abandon your upper management position to return to the paper route you had in 7th grade

  • change your name to tik tok mcintire and introduce a line of sour candies called cancer cuties

  • change your name to kosmo mcswain and open a burning man-themed daycare business

  • change your name to francois gooligan and market a line of self-help products called that beautiful bullshit that tells you you're special

  • change your name to fitzgerald mansplainer and insist that women don't really exist

  • change your name to edward bellweather and develop an impossibly arcane tv quiz show in which panelists are asked to name the favorite beverages of 17th-century saints

  • change your name to teddy morningsides and direct a live action anime remake of the breakfast club

  • change your name to ludovico brandywine and become a professional critic of children's art

  • change your name to bedpan onassis and convince tommy hillfiger to release a line of men's loincloth casual wear

  • change your name to beowulf la beuf, become a tv exec, and greenlight a saturday morning tv series about caligula. also have caligula join the cast of space ghost and scooby doo

  • change your name to scutter greythorpe and stage a kabuki theater adaptation of jaws

  • change your name to courtney forthright and market a line of punk rock sock puppets

  • change your name to terry damascus and remake every episode of m.a.s.h. as an anime cartoon

  • change your name to tarryweather templeton and open a sanctuary for transgender tigers

  • change your name to spotswood houndthrasher and insist you have superpowers when you wear a cravat

  • change your name to fez spackler and win the the dylan thomas international poetry award for your poem ode to a downward trending instagram influencer. follow that with ode to an aging youtube toy unboxing channel star

  • change your name to tristan zara and develop a line of sanitary products for devout christians called nativity wipes

  • change your name to peter barfsalot and form an animal house tribute band

  • change your name to anais ninny and write erotic feminist limericks

  • change your name to magic eyes hooligan and start dancing every evening at 6 outside your local whole foods

  • change your name to dub mystique and start calling your boss 'hugglepumpf'

  • change your name to odette scarfsalot and become a professional theater critic of junior high school productions, where you write things like "despite a game cast, you're a good man charlie brown fails to find its footing"

  • change your name to ice cream sanchez and become a goth clown for children's parties

  • change your name to jethro tool and brew a line of non-alcoholic moonshine deep in the kentucky hills 

  • change your name to val valentino, carry a boombox with you and play she's a bad mamajama at top volume whenever you enter a room

  • change your name to zsa zsa oswego and become a go-go dancer at senior center bingo tournaments

  • change your name to adolphus favorhoop and open a donut shop inside a sanitarium

  • change your name to quintonious larkspire and write poems about the minor irritants of middle-class life: waiting in line at costco, the guy upstairs is banging on the pipes again at 6am, have porch pirates stolen my amazon package?

  • change your name to tabitha ratpacker and stage a one-woman off-off broadway show about courtney love called a love story

  • change your name to vic fudgeback and open a pizza parlor on the ocean floor and then expand and open another in orbit around the iss

  • change your name to mackenzie blooper and open a chain of haunted houses inside maximum security prisons

  • change your name to floyd flavanoid and start a business installing slot machines inside funeral homes

  • change you name to kevin 'covid toes' johnson and become a rodeo clown

  • change your name to buxtehude von bingen and adapt the 90s film basic instinct into a children's saturday morning cartoon series

  • change your name to quartermaster hornthruster and build a life-sized 18th century whaling vessel in your backyard

  • change your name to lucretia banditshine and develop and market a bio-engineered line of woke cologne: the banditshine virtue signalling collection

  • change your name to chad oleander and move to austin, tx to found the world's first backwards film festival

  • change your name to bohampton rococo and open an antique store that specializes in 19th-century prosthetic limbs

  • change your name to cinnabon lyft and offer to give people a ride on your back to the nearest starbucks

  • change your name to travis mctravis and begin going door to door selling unofficial girl scout thin-mint scented face masks 

  • change your name to philoneous gastronomique and become a professional menu writer for upscale pretentious restaurants

  • change your name to boutros-boutros galileo and advance an africa-centric astronomy

  • change your name to chad tebo and reinvent yourself as a faux jamaican rapper

  • change your name to ernesto bobbins and indulge your newfound hobby of crashing high-school reunions 

  • change your name to helena handbasket and begin shouting "the british are coming!" from your rooftop at 4am

  • change your name to brash favorhoop and market a line of bizarre food products:

    • gibbons particle melts​

    • o'neil's chocolate bloopers

    • half-jackson banana leavings

    • pigs in a straightjacket

    • large hadron collider particle snaps

    • snap, crackle, disaster!

    • grandma's peanut butter dodecahedrons

    • blueberry squad anger juice

    • dunstable's coconut microagressions

    • hadley's confusion goo

    • nacho derivable bearevement clusters

    • nate's unconscionable oats ("there's no excusing this")

    • whatchamacovid

    • lockdownonios

    • urban isolation lunchables

    • urban blight flatbreads ("as flat as the chances of economic life ever returning to your city")

    • quarantine blasts ("a tart burst of lemony disinfectant that puckers your very soul")

    • bit-o-heiney/bit-o-honky

    • pol pot pie

    • serotonin reuptake inhibitor snaps

    • o'shaughnessy's virtue signalling pudding 

    • fuggetaboutit ("seven times denser than your average candy bar, and eleven times more likely to dislodge a tooth")

  • change your name to esterhaus fairweather and open a matchmaking app to place pet owners with pets called bark right

  • change your name to yobbo mctaggart and open a semi-nude lsd-fueled bungee jumping business in costa rica

  • change your name to tunkington cusp and run around telling every police officer you can find that you just witnessed a bear attack at whole foods

  • change your name to eduard openfold and market a line of war-/death-themed snack foods:

    • kaiser periscopes "30,000 kreigsmariners gave their lives so you could enjoy this"​

    • carpet bombers "these dense gobs of nougat and sharpnel will annihilate your hunger"

    • binky's nacho napalm poppers "21% more napalm than the leading brand"

    • lemon defenstration snaps "so good you'll leap to your death when you finish them!"

    • peter's old fashioned strangle loaf

  • change your name to quintin long-pyles and publish the cookbook101 delicious vending machine recipes, with delicacies like caramelized funyuns

  • change your name to trampoline hutchinson and become a one-man inxs cover band

  • change your name to portnoy and complain a lot

  • change your name to linkage dubois and spray yourself with a fine shark-scented mist before entering any room

  • change your name to feldspar gathercoal-day and organize a meditation retreat for sexbots

  • change your name to heinkel malancthia and start a semi-nude craft brewing concern. your first beer is the fabrics optional ipa: a fruity bethonged blend of juniper berries and human buttocks

  • change your name to thom thumb yorke and release a concept album about dating in a dystopia called okcomputercupid

  • change your name to constance evertwat and develop a fancy rustic gated communities and beach homes with names like taliban hideaway, infidel acres, laden's refuge, jihadi terrace, caliphate ridge

  • change your name to santiago lemonbroth and call everyone "shark soup"

  • change your name to sweetback briar and hire a band to follow you around and play your theme song whenever you walk into a room: a ska-tinged ditty that features a rap break delivered in a jamaican patois that the average midwesterner can still understand

  • change your name to booby lalauex and open a bikini car wash service staffed entirely by transgender sexbots

  • change your name to dj money esquire iii and open a dystopic version of disneyland, where every ride riffs on the idea of the decline of western civilization

  • change your name to dunstable elderflower and devote your life to writing hong kong phooey fan fiction

  • change your name to parker grovepoint and aspire to market the most unappetizing food items ever brought to market:

    • flavor shitters: "these tangy mofos take a big flavor dump in your mouth when you bite into 'em!"​

  • change your name to tommy lemonade and start a semi-nude 1940's big band: tommy lemonade and the semi-nude jumpin' jivers

  • change your name to odetta delacroix and write an award-winning cookbook where every recipe calls for a non-existent baking ingredient called reconstituted shard paste

  • change your name to lil' ill and write hip hop lyrics from the point of view of deadly viruses:

    • detect and infect 
      no time to reflect
      i hit a prime minister 
      you call it sinister
      tom hanks gives thanks to be breathing
      heard my rhymes he's still reeling
      got the world on the run
      each sneeze like bullets from a gun 
      if my beat makes you ill
      stay home and chill

  • change your name to monsignor ploppypants and write essays in praise of self-shittery

  • change your name to abbington abbatoir and form a pro-fascist dance band called abbington abbatoir and the high-kicking bastards

  • change your name to tincture jones, move to carrboro, and become a life coach who specializes in vesuvian mind wipes

  • change your name to winston pepperpots and form a semi-nude kite flying club

  • change your name to flavanoid brainchild and start a semi-nude dog walking service

  • change your name to ole! tarantula and become indignant when people leave out the "!" when writing your name

  • change your name to lil' 'thulu and write hp lovecraft-inspired hip hop songs:

    • "i be throwing eldritch rhymes to wrap around your mind. my rhyme is like a tentacle. your sanity is expendable. trap you in my fantasy."​your breakout hit is a duet with beyonce about the sunken city beneath the sea

  • change your name to jock o'hazeldean and form a semi-nude fife and drum corps

  • change your name to roscoe haltertop and win an oscar for your film montage of people dropping their cell phones into the toilet

  • change your name to vic virus and form a oi! punk band called the unwitting spreaders

  • change your name to tiger lilliputian and form a hootie and the blowfish cover band called tiger and the puffer fish

  • change your name to larkspur goforth and singlehandedly popularize the phrase "shoulder breath"

  • change your name to freddy turpentine and write a one-act play called the day day seth green and jonah hill stopped being fat

  • change your name to philomenia merryweather bong & market a line of bizarrely named snack foods: spastic spatula poppers, tantric nut busters

  • change your name to satchmo smith and start a primitive creole jazz band made up of retired white lawyers called hoochie coochie and the graveyard stompers

  • change your name to akiko wonderstuff and release a series of cutesy anime shorts that reenact iconic tragedies of the 20th century: jfk and mlk jr assassinations, challenger explosion, 911, etc, with the characters have the huge eyes, tiny noses, and other exaggerated features unique to anime

  • change your name to bohampton bellows and write a self-help book for men called awaken the bastard within

  • change your name harry threadgill and market a line of offensive vietnam-war themed emojis: napalm facepalm, mai lai weepy face 

  • change your name to patton olegarch and pitch a show called origin story: every episode is an origin story so the plot never gets started and viewers never care about any of the characters 

  • change your name to oswego gonad and form a militant african vocal group called ladysmith black panther mambazo

  • change your name to corky montenegro and form a new wave band called the fauvist spleens. then fire everyone in the band and rebrand it as a protest folk group called turley montague and the goddamn fascist bastards

  • change your name to bonk! mcmillan and author a series of pret-tween semi-nude choose your own adventure books. no matter the reader's decision, the result involves semi-nudity. titles would be things like the thong of justice.

  • change your name to gustav nani and open a car repair place called gustavo's hardcore car care

  • change your name to andy firepants and record an album of radiohead songs sung in esperanto

  • change your name to eduoard breadfruit and start a long-haul trucking company staffed entirely by former circus clowns

  • change your name to bijoux mcswithins and stage a semi-nude amateur theatrical production of star wars

  • change your name to mums strikespring and form a slient new wave electro band called tokyo joe and the whisperbumps

  • change your name to giorgio jetson and insist on wearing a cap with a propeller on top

  • change your name to tuppert o'hare and become the world's first irish male douala

  • change your name to stank norman and open a turtle petting zoo

  • change your name to rupert fiona giles and start a hybrid steampunk/aborigine fashion craze

  • change your name to eco covinious and organize a series of "socratic meet and greets" in an abandoned school building on the outskirts of town

  • change your name to lark nightingale and form a middle-aged semi-nude boy band called semi-nude new-old direction

  • change your name to process reclamation unit and become the world's first steampunk didgeridoo player

  • change your name to jebediah pancreas and become a master craftsman of pornographic carved wood art

  • change your name to dexter barkbark and form a bon jovi/bon iver dance cover band called bon jiver

  • change your name to culkin o'flattery and open new york's first semi-nude irish bar, finnegan's grotto

  • change your name to dieter pockets and launch a fall fashion line of women's clothes called the schadenfreude collection, designed to be as unflattering as possible

  • change your name to bradly offenbach and start saying "not for all the gramophones in china!" whenever someone asks you to do something you don't want to do

  • change your name to winchester weatherly and found a summer camp for effeminate boys called camp queerwater

  • change your name to chazz bonaroo, launch a successful startup, and institute a mandatory workplace hackeysacking rule: all employees are issued a company fanny pack and hacksack, and must play at least one hour a week

  • change your name to geronimo sanchez and open a skydiving school for sexbots

  • change your name to nico iconic and form a 80's japanese goth cover band called sushi and the banshees

  • change your name to stackhouse strueddel and teach a self-defense course for sexbots

  • change your name to jehovax armitage trout and write a 1,000 page treatise in which you reassess the cultural significance of car chase music from 1970's detective films

  • change your name to chad bromide and reintroduce the member's only jacket as a fashion statement

  • change your name to junkets pinkerton and pull the fire alarm during your first day on the job

  • change your name to tarryweather faircloth and open a chain of haunted houses inside maximum security penitentiaries

  • change your name to dexter dunwich and open a restaurant in downtown durham called allergy. serve fussy vegan/food intolerance types unseasoned blocks of tofu but nail the mindful of dietary restrictions vibe so well that people find themselves returning for more.

  • change your name to archie stetson and write a hit broadway musical about eczema

  • change your name to tennyson bowie and teach your children an invented alphabet

  • change your name to frank toastershine and invent a machine that creates pizza out of nothing when you turn it on

  • change your name to waldo pinchminder, become a film historian, and claim to have discovered a lost marx brothers film, bullshit at the bolshoi

  • change your name to sweetwater sanchez and market a line of waterbeds for pets

  • change your name to tomahawk montague and open a combo daycare/ax throwing space

  • change your name to bottoms lundblad and introduce a men's cologne named mandrake bildgepump. "smell like dank water and own it."

  • change your name to john handcock and write the anti-holiday classic like hell it's christmas

  • change your name to tycho greyfist and write the relationship bestseller men are from mars, women are from kandahar province

  • change your name to quintin thurberbund and pitch a trio of sigmund freud-insptire tv shows:

    • ​a friends-themed sitcom about early viennese psychiatrists living together called freuds

    • a tv reboot of lord of the rings where the protagonist is a dwarven psychiatrist named freudo

    • a daytime game show with competing families of psychiatrists called family freud

  • rewrite the most popular stories of hp lovecraft, making the threat be that of smooth jazz: the smooth jazz shadow over innsmouth, the smooth jazz soothings out of space, the case of smooth jazz cat charles dexter ward, herbert west - smooth jazz reanimator. "the mad saxxers of azathoth played nothing but smooth jazz and to hear their soundless music meant insanity."

  • change your name to totten saunders and form a band named lincoln park, which sets the speeches of abraham lincoln to the music of linkin park. then form a side project named linkedin park, which does smooth corporate-rock adaptations of linkin park songs.

  • change your name to contra indicator and form a series of bizarre performance art punk bands:

    • taliban selfie​, where at every gig you take a hostage and live stream their decapitation

    • missing parsons, a bible-themed new wave band. (name later changed to prioryhead)

    • lint magnet, where you all wear lint-covered clothes and sing songs about laundry issues

    • a jihadi 80's pop band named talibananarama

  • change your name to finn frightmore and devote your life to trying to scare inanimate objects: "i made that table jump, did you see it?!"

  • change your name to fizz larkin and build a rocketship out of chia pets

  • change your name to robert arborbuckle and market a line of woke toys for boys: transgenders ("non-binary robots in the sky"), mighty gender morphing power ranger, gi joe/josephine, latinax teenage mutant ninja turtles

  • change your name to dandy warbucks and form a ne're do well punk band called trust fund. release a concept album entitled monopoly, where all the songs are about how great it is to be rich.

  • change your name to papa "buckles" hemhoffer and convince america's automotive industry be take a more honest approach to their t.v. commercials by lacing their ads with subliminal imagery: scenes of gleaming metallic pickup trucks cruising through rain soaked streets are intercut with fleeting images of erect cocks and fists pounding against slabs of meat; sleek sports cars curving gracefully along pacific coast highways are intercut with momentary images of brazilian waxed pussies, ruby red lipstick, blow jobs and dollar bills, etc. etc.

  • change your name to herbert van carryout and form an indie rock classical hybrid mozart quintent called camper van mozart

  • change your name to pussy riot and form a feminist punk band called weinstein walker

  • change your name to muscles pilkington and open a boxing gym for ghosts. "oh they're there in the ring boxing, you just can't see them."

  • change your name to pez beltran and form a cabaret group named pez beltran and the dark garlic sin eaters

  • change your name to franzetta tuttungian and become the greatest living director of pringles potato chip commercials the world has ever seen

  • change your name to larkspur onassis and start an uber competitor but using dirigibles instead of cars

  • change your name to prax golightly and open the first 7-eleven on an asteroid

  • change your name to barth thistledown and start an aggressively meat-positive home meal service called helloflesh!

  • change your name to portugal mcswoon and open a pet fish grooming service

  • change your name to frasca tenchpole and start endorsing your linkedin contacts for disturbing or corrosive areas of expertise: enhanced interrogation (aka "mood tuning"), black ops site management, social media hacks,  

  • change your name to citronella pattington-parker and open a restaurant for the instagram-obsessed called selfie. patrons choose an assortment of customized daily instagram filters to 'season' their dish. the waiter brings you a tablet to accompany meal so you can upload the image to your feed with the unique filter. it becomes all the rage and some regular patrons don't even eat the food, preferring only to curate their feed with the envy-inducing images. it catches on so thoroughly that soon restaurants are advertising for 'filter chefs' to join their team. goop lists your restaurant as one of it's ten best for 2020.

  • change your name to gaspar de fabrizio and form a decadent roman-themed art punk band called the caligula protocol

  • change your name to doubtfire le strange and release an album of ambient soundscapes entitled klezmer favorites from the 23rd century

  • change your name to faux cruddite and pioneer a new cinema verite using sexbots as the leads

  • change your name to oinks mcginty and open your own bleeding-edge cgi studio with a militant queer agenda. your first release is a flawless cgi recreation of john wayne in a homoerotic western called gobbler's knob. the estate of john wayne sues you but you're too wealthy to care and release your film for free online.

  • change your name to mums bartholomew and form a huey lewis cover band called huey lewis and the fake news

  • change your name to van ordinaire and start a theremin-based funk ensemble called bats babblesquander and the fappertronics

  • change your name to garth pursehouse and dedicate your life to throwing women off balconies

  • change your name to bats babblesquander and open a hip restaurant named gaze, where the floors, walls, ceilings, and tables are mirrored. the bathrooms are, too. motto: "for the narcissist in all of us."

  • change your name to garbagepants onassis and start an evangelical talking heads cover band called stop making sins 

  • change your name to faison bojangles and develop a robot songwriter fashioned after paul mccartney. it does nothing except write love songs, and is soon writing the best love songs humanity has ever heard

  • change your name to courtney boring and cultivate a new line of garden flowers that you name perineum favorites

  • change your name to creationist eventide and create a line of bespoke twitter bots: postmodern novelist bot, feminist meme bot, systems theory bot, and so on

  • change your name to fabrizio darkside and start a razzie awards show for the worst use of cgi in hollywood films

  • become a dj and perform under a variety of names all intended to trigger the woke demographic: 

    • dj white privilege​

    • dj maga

    • dj male gaze

    • dj cisgend

    • dj stop&frisk

  • change your name to teleport primrose and found the bobbins synthetic fruit collective, which even you are unclear of the purpose of

  • change your name to rider strong and open a surfing school on the sevastopol for russian troll bots

  • change your name to whims mimsy and market a line of absurdist s.a.t. test prep books:

    • based on the passage, the author's opinion on female circumcision is likely:​​​​

a) positive​

b) negative

c) undecided

d) the author does not know what circumcision is

e) all of the above

  • in the third paragraph, the boy's attitude about mollusks could best be summarized as:​​​

a) intrigued

b) frightened

c) ambivalent

d) loving

e) none of the above

  • change your name to otto 'larceny' jones and convince the us navy to construct an experimental vagina-shaped aircraft carrier

  • change your name to jonathan depp and form a hindu new wave funk collective called frankie goes to bollywood

  • change your name to spats oleander and open a funeral home where the bodies are laid out wearing brightly colored spandex

  • change your name to bijou bijoeux, become a queer studies researcher, then intentionally mispell "gender" as "gander" in an effort to "unpack assumed constructs of identity." write things like "gander-identity politics," "non-binary gander," and so on, insisting that your editors not alter it.

  • change your name to consuelo buranda and form a mime salsa band named consuelo and the afterthoughts

  • change your name to scallywag goknuckle, start a venture capital firm in wall street, and institute a pirate-themed office dress code

  • change your name to old sickly bastard and form a rap trio named the wuhan clan, then release the album license to ill, where all songs are about deadly viruses

  • change your name to el goucho le tart and open a restaurant that serves all its soups in chamber pots

  • change your name to osiris breadstalk and knit a line of punk rock sock puppets

  • change your name to sam riddimpole and buy a beach house that you name fuhrer's roost

  • change your name to patterson driftwood and become america's most popular poet of personal hygiene. titles like a pleasing scent and the joy of sufficiently ventilated public transport establish your mastery of the subject, selling millions of copies. old spice, dove, and gillette hire you to bring a poetic touch to their ad copy. soon, personal hygiene ads across america are outdoing one another in bids for poetic flourish. the norton anthology of perspiration poetry is published and becomes mandatory reading in college-level english. you launch your own line of men's cologne, the driftwood collection, which is endorsed by the academy of american poets.

  • change your name to velocity crescent, move to costa rica, and lead lsd-fuelled bungee jumping extreme sport excursions

  • change your name to buttons barrett and forma a clown-based pink floyd tribute band called prank floyd

  • change your name to pinkie sangria and form a mime football team that qualifies to play in the nfl

  • change your name to terry tee and open a steak joint called terry's upchuck house

  • change your name to jackson momo and stage a one-man play that re-enacts every episode of the real-time espionage show 24

  • change your name to dyad skyfarer and start an online dating site for pets

  • change your name to amy sedatious and publish an alternate-history coffee table book called sexbots of the antebellum south

  • change your name to romeo starkweather and teach a self-defense class for plants

  • change your name to "sutures" smith and specialize in hostage re-escalation. "oh shit, he's letting the hostage go. sutures, get in there and antagonize him!"

  • change your name to gran mal and convince george lucas to make an animated star wars show starring chewbaca mom

  • change your name to tench otterpaw and form a black power-themed beach boys cover band. somehow, it just works.

  • change your name to colefax espinoza and open a hip brooklyn cafe for breatharians. artisinal oxygen is on the menu.

  • change your name to harold warsurrender and start a wwii-themed ice cream parlor, with photos of period weapons, and each flavor is named after decisive battles. "i'd like two scoops of battle of the bulge and one of normandy beach. with a sprinkling of pearl harbor."

  • change your name to otto prefecture and start the world's first developmentally differently-abled space force

  • change your name to blanche a la carte and start a heavy metal thompson twins cover band

  • change your name to tom swift and invent the world's first robot teen idol: james dean v2.0 stars in rebel without a social media following

  • change your name to saboot toochi and popularize a hyrid music genre of doo wop and trap

  • change your name to scupper culthorpe and turn your work cube into a lighthouse

  • change your name to arsenio dockside start a late night talk show for robots. "up next, model x-11j57 tells us all about its servo upgrades!"

  • change your name excelsio muchado and teach a meringue class for sexbots

  • change your name to beta otaku and commission japan's most famous artist to create a manga comic about your own life

  • change your name to orion sandlewood and donate billions to george lucas's favorite charity on the condition that lucasarts makes a spin off jar-jar binks movie with you as one of the lead characters

  • change your name to becca wilcox, move to chapel hill, and start a lesbian soccer mom podcast

  • change your name to yoinks mcginty and hack all roadside billboards in america to display photos of hummingbirds

  • change your name to billings patently and devote your entire life to categorizing itches. rejoice when your life's crowing achievement is accomplished: publication of the big book of itches

  • change your name to tau-tau, move to downtown durham, and open a woke donut shop that serves donuts that challenge the patriarchy

  • change your name to cutter nightshade a publish a collection of poetic odes to porn movies: 
     

girl on lawn languishes with desire
hot wax on dank ass
screen on fire
red eyes, blue dawn

nightshade nurses are doin' it for themselves

rocco stifforia makes the scene at the car wash

twenty three more mouse clicks makes everything all right
 

  • change your name to jehovax gabbersquand and begin selling girl scout stogies door to door

  • change your name to smithers mcgooch and begin publishing defenestration review: the world's only journal devoted to the topic of hurling people out windows

  • change your name to st. john pettigrew and open a service that provides a.i. ghost writing services to authors

  • change your name to mao st. pierre, become a world-famous balladeer, and release a grammy-award winning album of ballads called do i have your consent to fall in love?

  • change your name to roscoe funkbatt, move to seattle, and become a dealer in jailbroken sexbots. "unlock a new world of pleasure when you disable the safety mechanisms."

  • change your name to bentley moreshower and start a little league hockey team for ghosts

  • change your name to eunice breadsnort and pitch a reboot of classic british novels with sexbots as the protagonists: sexbots and sensibility, wuthering sexbots, pride and prejudice and sexbots, far from the madding crowd (of sexbots), jude the obscure (sexbot), great sexbot expectations

  • change your name bash st. tarkington, move to l.a., and become a successful virginity repair surgeon

  • change your name to binky microcosm and pitch a snarky animated comedy called biden his time, about hunter biden, the hapless under-qualified rich kid who continually stumbles into high paying opportunities that he knows basically nothing about

  • change your name to mims prefab and invent the gender-reassignment burger, a tasty synthetic meat product that speeds up the gender transition process. known as the "trans burger," it's an instant hit.

  • change your name to jehovax trunktooth and market a gourmet snack with unknown ingredients named candied jehovax sass

  • change your name to lady harpsichord, move to downtown durham, and open a pet grooming service for robot pets

  • change your name to aloysius jackson, self identify as african american, and insist you are the secret 6th member of the jackson 5

  • change your name to oleg fatumpfbarrel and open the world's most complete toilet museum in the small town in which you live

  • change your name to portnoy sanchez, move to brooklyn, and start the world's first rotisserie kraken foodtruck

  • change your name to krugman and start an online review site called meta yelp devoted to user reviews of user reviews

  • change your name to yelps turwelliver and discover how to make music that defies the natural law of time, completing  instantaneously while offering a beginning, middle, and end. in this way, a 15-minute piece appears and vanishes within an instant. audiences drive for hours to spend only a few seconds listening to a full evening's music in their seats. an after-hours dance party lasts approximately seven seconds.

  • change your name to ashfont binomial and form a post-modern theoretical guns and roses cover band called appetite for deconstruction

  • change your name to peter principled and start a tasteful erotica site for fishmongers called sardines and lace

  • change your name to paris marx, move to san francisco, and begin hosting nihilist sex parties in homeless shelters

  • change your name to prax zither and open the world's first museum of art painted by robots

  • change your name to ernst rotter and form the world's first punk band fronted by a sexbot, o pleasureful o

  • change your name to chauncy goforth, inherit a modest sum from an aunt, retire to winesburg, ohio, and spend the rest of your days writing ronald mcdonald fan fiction

  • change your name to mims whimsy and open up a hip eatery called splat!, named for the sound the food makes upon impact when the chef hurls it from the kitchen onto the serving plate on your table. patrons must sign a waiver releasing the restaurant from any responsibility for missed throws.

  • change your name to binky tangible, move to hollywood, and make millions writing neo-con rom coms

  • change your name to archie tunnels and program an a.i. to write better love songs than human beings

  • change your name to phillipa groper and hire yourself out to hollywood studios as an intimacy coordinator

  • change your name to lowden loudermilk, move to l.a., and become a sought-after surgeon who specializes in armpit implants

  • change your name to mums gandermilk and form a beatles cover band cover band, and insist you are covering the cover versions of the original songs

  • change your name to quincy sludge and become a dance instructor of mid-80s robo synth pop moves

  • change your name to gertrude dammeron and dress like a viking on casual fridays

  • change your name to wompum fan-fan and open a bagel shack right outside a max security federal prison

  • change your name to skyhawk gunderson and become a therapist for drones

  • change your name to chase bivouac and set up a lemonade stand inside of a busy public urinal. slogan: "nothing wasted"

  • change your name to henry quasar and self-identify as a faun, convincing your socially progressive tech employers to officially recognize you as such as part of their inclusiveness policy 

  • change your name to the aritst formerly known as jospeh goebbels and open a dance club called dresden sex beat, and launch an elecroclash side project called the belsen pleasure initiative

  • change your name to garth winkle and open a sex club that caters to patrons with a root canal fetish

  • change your name to ignacio tenderloin, move to manhattan, and open a pet sitting service that caters to gender-neutral pets

  • change your name to dinky dao and cultivate a new hobby of listening to an audiobook while simultaneously watching the movie adaptation

  • change your name to patterson van ronk and dress like a tennis coach in 1979

  • change your name to urban space junk, move to detroit, and form a conceptual do-wop group called the hollywood argyles

  • change your name to freedy bonilla and open a driver-thru lingerie/ammunition store in downtown durham

  • change your name to carson cullpepper and found the journal backscratcher quarterly: the journal of unreachable personal itches

  • change your name to mandrake bilgepump and become a post-organic dj who makes music for young people with angular haircuts who frequent vertical urban spaces

  • change your name to skyshawk gunderson and convince people they can fly

  • change your name to ingrid von meadowlark and found a summer mindfulness program for kids called concentration camp. motto "your final solution for mindfulness!"

  • change your name to vivian diaspora and form an all-female climate change protest punk band called thunberg death ray

  • change your name to sizzy g and open a politically correct halloween costume shop
  • change your name to spats hegweloire and become a one-man beastie boys cover band called beastie boy

  • change your name to franklinton feathertester and found the center for applied apathy

  • change your name to chelsea warmaker and open a dayspa/gun range for republican housewives

  • change your name to avastio hornswaddle and open a pirate-themed sex club called dead man's blowjob

  • change your name to nancy 'jazz pencils' spoonbringer and write award-winning poems about no longer being relevant to your own context

  • change your name to suzi vatican and form the world's first papal punk band

  • change your name to oleg fahtumpf, move to brooklyn, and open a restaurant for breatharians called gravy tiger

  • change your name to chimera angelis, set up shop on io, and keep company with a cadre of venusian illusionists

  • change your name to strikespring wayfarer, move to tokyo, and develop a line of sexbots for asexuals

  • change your name to brad undershark and market a line of bio-engineered bro-dude cologne called wingman. "boost your chance of getting laid by 18.37%!" 

  • change your name to roger ruskinsphere and start a stock photo website that only sells photos of people being beheaded

  • change your name to garth wellington and form a covers band called at a moment's notice that specializes in smooth sounds for corporate events

  • change your name to limon esquevel and make it your mission to become more culturarly irrelevant than a chubby 55 year old white data middle manager

  • change your name to roger crikey and develop a line of breakfast foods named after deadly volcanoes: krakatoa flakes, vesuvius crunch, st. helen's surprise, etc.

  • change your name to ernst favicon and insist on wearing a pink felt tracksuit with the words 'fat bitch' stenciled in gold on the back

  • change your name to artemis honeybuckle, move to los angeles, and open a pilates studio for sex bots

  • change your name to buckleheim 'earwagon' escanscio and pen the cautionary tale of your generation, entitled 24 hour potty people

  • change your name to reginald bitters, move to tokyo, and become a successful lawyer who specializes in human-sexbot divorces

  • change your name to spotnitz von gundershake, move to london, and open a stripclub on a helium-filled dirigible that floats 500 feet above the city

  • change your name to thrushgood thurwell and devote your life to writing fan fiction for uncredited extras in tv shows

  • change your name to bob blob and helm a reboot of friends but with a cast of hunchbacks

  • change your name to garth mandrake and convince disney to open a guantanamo bay themed amusement ride

  • change your name to sir funk rat and invent a style of music called banana jazz

  • change your name to prelox dodecahedron, move to sedona, and start a festival to rival coachella called the throng in a thong fest

  • change your name to poppy van pipsqueak and manage an all-girl group of seniors called the old spice girls

  • change your name to chauncey pullover, take a vow of silence, and move to portland to become a radio host

  • change your name to thortch starkweather and market a line of prank clothing: bathing suits that dissolve after being remotely triggered, pants that constrict violently at a pre-designated time, boots that refuse to unlace, thongs that embed themselves and cannot be removed, etc.

  • change your name to hawk osprey and introduce a line of vegetable-themed body modifications: carrot eyes, kale cheeks, etc.

  • change your name to happenstance polenta, move to miami, and open arf!, an art gallery for dogs

  • change your name to carson culpepper and write a line of spiritual self-help books for frat boys, with titles like how to play beer pong like a zen monk

  • change your name to hr vespertine and donate millions to duke hospital under the condition that it change its name to queerwater hospital

  • change your name to okatu dendrite and start a youtube channel for unboxing the latest haul of sleek designer sexbots

  • change your name to cranium wrex and spend millions on voluntary facial reconstruction surgery to resemble your favorite anime character

  • change your name to fante embarkadero, move to brooklyn, and become that writing tutor who convinces precocious pre-teens that the world needs to read their memoir

  • change your name to diablo cody, move to manhattan, and do absolutely nothing

  • change your name to ogden palimpsest and open a flower store for robots

  • change your name to stortch masterson and start a restaurant chain called the philly cheesesteak factory

  • change your name to humidor sansa, move to carrboro, and start a food truck that sells meat-based plant products

  • change your name to genesis p orridge and start a reality show called embalming with the stars

  • change your name to philodeaux and pen a year-end feature for people magazine called 'remembering all the celebrity stalkers we lost in 2019'

  • change your name to phil ingleblank and undertake a quixotic mission to reunite all the stray pubic hairs you see in public urinals with their original owners

  • change your name to horst mccracken, move to portland, and open a semi-nude whaling museum/bike shop

  • change your name to chance nevermore, move to manhattan, and form a 911-themed funk band called the mohamed atta funk projekt

  • change your name to chad von bismarck, grow a handlebar mustache, move to durham, and open a craft brewery called sweet adolphus piss factory

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and adopt all the crispr babies you can find

  • change your name to esterhauz bingeworthy and open a store that only sells jihadi-themed memes on  bumper stickers and t-shirts

  • change your name to lizzie heretofore and market a food product called the uncertain burger: "what's in it? the heck if we know!"

  • change your name to covington barkshark and open a detective agency that helps schizophrenics investigate themselves

  • change your name to phinneas sweltercoil, move to portland, and make it your mission to get all 30-something earnest record store clerk-type dudes obsessed with becoming lighthouse keepers

  • change your name to chase la face and form a boy band for the right-wing post-roe v wade supreme court era: the backalley boys

  • change your name to binky von slathermilk and manage an all-cgi boys band called the green screen boyz

  • change your name to sorrel lightfoot and become a detective who hunts down missing socks in order to reunite them with their estranged sibling

  • change your name to chase van brockenstein and open a hipster eatery called urinal. a giant bathroom where the diners consume their meals inside bathroom stalls.

  • change your name to roscoe schwitters and form a nazi doo-wop group

  • change your name to sensei espinoza and market a snack food called aluminum blasts

  • change your name to kitty vesuvius, move to seattle, and found a company called artisinal minimalist narrative. what it does is unclear, but with the motto "cultivating authentic lived-in experiences," investors are clamoring to fund it. upon hearing the name, gwyneth paltrow buys a majority share for $68 million. soon the yelp reviews begin pouring in: "i felt so validated when i bought their lavendar something-or-other for my tiny airbnb house."

  • change your name to david sandborn, move to la, and become a sought-after session musician making music for people who don't really enjoy music

  • change your name to terrence grotesque, move to washington, and beat npr at their own game by starting the microscopic desk concert performance series. viewers must purchase lab-grade microscopes and military-grade microphones in order to view and hear them. 

  • change your name to epidril mandlehupf, move to san francisco, and open a hair-themed ice cream parlor: butterscotch toupee, dreadlock coffee crunch, mohawk sherbet, etc

  • change your name to zoe starshine, move to chapel hill, and teach a community course for uptight white liberals called 101 ways to signal cultural authenticity

  • change your name to cupertino longshanks and write a hit broadway musical about child abuse

  • change your name to name to ramona nevermore and open an edgar allen poe-themed ice cream parlor

  • change your name to oscar tidewell and open an hp lovecraft-inspired bagel place. "that eldritch, otherworldly, vaguely racist bagel place that's got everyone talking."

  • change your name to oscar impressario and start an advice column called ask a salty disabled bricklayer

  • change your name to lizzy sage and launch a line of emergency medical-themed desserts: chocolate chest wound, amputation pops, etc.

  • change your name to buttons cheshire and open a men's clothing store called ack! ack!

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and create a social media firestorm by writing an alternate reality sci-fi short story that inverts america's white appropriation of black artists. little richard rips off pat boone. public enemy rips off the beastie boys. prince rips off george michael, etc. the premise being that elvis's iconic 1950s television performance signals go from earth to a black hole and are re-echoed back 2,000 years earlier. the title of the story? black to the future.

  • change your name to hiroshima dan and found the center for applied ignorance

  • change your name to ignacio tenderloin, become a professional boxer for 25 years, then retire and open an eatery called knuckle sandwich

  • change your name to rip torn and open up a kid's ice cream parlor called caligula's

  • change your name to maurice garteroil and open the world's first restaurant where all the food is cgi. it would be called special fx and prices would be based on the complexity of the image rendering for each menu item.

  • change your name to beckwith tinderpoove and become a senior fellow at the center for applied vapidity

  • change your name to freckles breckenstein, move to tokyo, and become a sexbot repair technician

  • change your name to dj brew haha and open an electro disco brewery called draft punk

  • change your name to d'nousouza x and open an online school that teaches urban authenticity signaling skills to creative class whites who are among the first to gentrify urban neighborhoods. sample lessons: "skinny white dude, wearing that wu tang t-shirt makes you look like you're trying too hard. and stop name dropping that you have rapper's delight on the original 12" vinyl pressing. it won't work."

  • change your name to dj loose stool. create your own tagline: "you'll lose your shit when i drop my beats"

  • change your name to emerson trout and comport yourself as you imagine a southern man of letters would

  • change your name to chauncey trebuchet and walk around launching frozen peas at people from a plastic spoon

  • change your name to stig blighter and insist you were the one who invented punk

  • change your name to coco robespierre and write a self-help book about learning to not give a shit

  • change your name to velocity crescent and write caligula/thor fan fiction

  • change your name to ixnay ixnay rhumbumba and lead an all-trans 1920's latin big band on a norwegian cruise ship

  • change your name to jacques chanterelle and teach a sexbot cpr class at your local ymca. mandatory for all lifeguards and sex workers. all camp counselors are trained in it. restaurants have heimlich maneuver for sexbots posters posted. sexbots will eventually be equipped with defibrillators in case the human has a heart attack during sex

  • change your name to inky darkweed, move to seattle, and become an afterlife coach. "helping the dead be their best possible self."

  • change your name to shark cruelskin and become a shady dealer in jailbroken sex bots

  • change your name to big boi and insist on wearing a diaper in public. tell people you self-identify as infant.

  • change your name to ogden palimpsest and only date poets named govinda consuelo

  • change your name to skatch thrilljockey and open radio station that only hires stuttering djs

  • change your name to roscoe defenestrator and become professionally trained in hurling people out of windows. 

  • change your name to prefax gabbler and call everyone “butt mump”

  • change your name to charlemagne espinosa and hold yourself out as an etsy trending expert

  • change your name to binky nesbit and form a horror funk band called the blair witch funk project

  • change your name to corky montenegro and become a car alarm impersonator

  • change your name to lvez and make a living impersonating elvis impersonators

  • change your name to ernst favicon and introduce a line of lsd laced bubblegum

  • change your name to cavendish praxley and front a band called slut priest

  • change your name to rubric arrow and become a movie director known for having all characters chewing gum in every scene

  • change your name to leon fingerbang and open a semi-nude seafood restaurant

  • change your name to courtney octagon and teach teenage girls how to drag race down main street in customized muscle cars

  • change your name to quentin queefstream and become a semi-nude theater critic

  • change your name to e praxley goombah and found the society for the preservation of page boy haircuts

  • change your name to bogo jazzhands and become a mime rapper

  • change your name to buzzby and tell people you come from hot piss springs, arizona

  • change your name to falcon van papsmear and fashion yourself as a semi-nude aide de camp

  • change your name to hortense shychild and become a semi-nude dealer of illegal arms

  • change your name to boopsie rappaport and open a pet grooming service that caters to transgender pets

  • change your name to contra-contra indicator

  • change your name to miami silence machine and start a latin mime percussion quintet

  • change your name rad and become an upstart rockstar chef who insists on serving chicken breasts in a bra

  • change your name to cubist nightshade and become a surrealist heckler

  • change your name to andy ellipses and refuse to complete a thought

  • change your name to leopold slaughter and open a daycare called slaughter daycare

  • change your name to artemis boscage and proclaim aloud at work to anyone within earshot your love of impractical knowledge

  • change your name to harwell trasher von blightbluff and open a  tobacco and beard grooming shop for ghosts

  • change your name to steamgrass hottentwat and become a dealer of obscene antiquities

  • change your name to dr reed morpheus and launch a kickstarter to fund a mutant research lab

  • change your name to thorston mudgarde and start a semi-nude welding business in seattle

  • change your name to skyclad firefall and found a semi-nude music festival called thongaroo

  • change your name to fabioso callibrisi and become a director of gay albino italian midget  porn

  • change your name to ozark threadgill and start a semi-nude back-to-the-land movement

  • change your name to rocco praetorious and become a kinky isis commander

  • change your name to briggs clinco and enroll in law school to learn to play the bongos

  • change your name to hegwellier cesspool and become the world's first blind porn star

  • change your name to proust fairlane and found a school for semi-nude poets

  • change your name to jacadranda crotchrobbin and join ladysmith black mambazo as their first white, semi-nude member. after five years, they let you play tambourine.

  • change your name to methane man and write raps about farting

  • change your name to lester stillwell and hire yourself out as the gay best friend who delivers pithy one-liners

  • change your name to eustace crackerbarrel and open a granola store that also sells handguns

  • change your name to britanny umbilical and become a pop starlet for infants

  • change your name to chaz gump and photoshop yourself into famous scenes in history

  • change your name to chaz chancealot and hand out business cards that offer your services as an "anything can happen man"

  • change your name to chaz rasputin and offer your services as a vaguely malevolent aide-de-camp

  • change your name to chaz monsoon and become a bollywood music video director in memphis, tn

  • change your name to freedy gherkin and stage an all-male theatrical production of laverne and shirley

  • rename your children kitty islam binky gravclaw

  • change your name to jehovax loblolly and become a male midwife

  • change your name to tony enzyme and become a drug dealer who distills the essence of fog into highly addictive fog injectors and sells them on the street

  • change your name to dandy hotpants and dance at parties where no music is playing

  • change your name to gunther jackson and form a white supremacist funk band called josef goebbels panty raid

  • change your name to jehovax and campaign hollywood to create the world's first semi-nude superhero movie

  • change your name to leopold foxtrot and become a semi-nude chess grandmaster

  • change your name to doyle vandenburg and instead of walking, hold your arms out like wings and make airplane noises

  • change your name to thortch clusterhawk and stage a one-man diy revival of gilligans island

  • name your first child usb 2.0 and your second child usb 3.0

  • change your name to hattie ledbetter and open a semi-nude underground railroad

  • change your name to portly fiendish and launch a journal called necrophiliac quarterly

  • change your name to scupper greythorpe and begin dressing like a 19th century whaling captain

  • name your next child shiny batchain puller

  • change your name to buttons golightly, move to tokyo, and open a clinic that treats sexbots that have ptsd

  • change your name to brill swillinger and found a brining meetup group 

  • change your name to stig hegweliore and form an amputee metal band

  • change your name to wafer strikespring and create an online dentistry mmo video game

  • change your name to tench fenderstein and become a food court critic for the ny times

  • change your name to phinneas sherpa and form a street gang for young men who lisp called the embarkadero cruisers

  • change your name to tito st. germaine and become a sexbot pimp

  • change your name to viva saint asptertaine and become a semi-nude mountain climber

  • change your name to bosco laqueef and open a vegan bbq joint in baton rouge

  • change your name to pinky carruthers and claim to be part of an elite international crime-fighting cadre

  • change your name to chad nomad and open a travel agency for bros

  • change your name to caligula sanchez and open a roman themed brothel in tijuana 

  • change your name to pip vandercloth and develop a neitzshe themed line of pop-up ads

  • change your name to mee-maw warhol and manage a series of impossibly strange indie bands:

  • chazz princox and his forthright bi-sexuals

  • rod mammary and his just say yes to titties blues band

  • patterson areola and the cleavage minders

  • bris kumbaya and the foreskin humps

  • stig landswell and the particle mumps

  • suzy gigglewatt and the transgender asian bitches

  • ernst newborn and the luxury apathetics

  • vesuvius gaucho and the machine learners/what of saintly logic?

  • the van dyke entanglement brigade

  • change your name to stig dinkweller and usher in a series of impossible dances:​

    • the panglossian tuck n’ strut

    • new steampunk dance craze: the leaky rivet strut

    • the fortified embankment (for people who prefer to stand still)

    • the consternation dirigible

    • the over-caffeinated waitress

    • the distressed asset (2008 edition)

    • the anti-gravity rickshaw

© madheiress.com all rights reserved