1001 bad ideas for the new millennium

open a store called sticky fingers where store employees are paid to pickpocket customers while they browse
open a skydiving/birthing center where midwives deliver babies when the chute opens
become the first person to be sentenced to prison for never using emojis in your electronic communication. as the prosecution successfully argues: "over the years, he caused numerous co-workers, friends, and loved ones untold psychological damage. 'what exactly did he mean by that?' his victims were forced to ask themselves. time and time again, he broke the social covenant that binds an always-online society together."
release a health beverage called zero water - an empty bottle with zero amount of water or anything else inside, but the bottle is artisinalaf
market a line of feces-based organic shampoos called shampoopoo
start an online garbage delivery service called hello trash! where customers order weekly garbage bags of curated trash delivered to their door
open a restaurant called biohazard where the wait staff all wear full hazmat suits
launch a party service called dental rental where you rent dentists out for birthday parties. kids arrive expecting ice cream and cake and end up getting their teeth cleaned.
produce a children's show for the era of kid's zoom calls called the teleconferencetubbies
pitch the idea for a dinosaur/government bureaucratic farce sitcom called jurassic parks and recreation
market a line of snack foods that are selectively misspelled:

barbara's chocolate chip cooties

begin your stand-up comedy routine with the question "who here is gonna miss shitting and pissing when they die? raise your hand."
launch a lifestyle website called trendshitter, where the writers are instructed to both ridicule and revere the influencers and products they cover
insist on the benny hill theme song being played in an endless loop at your funeral
greenlight an mtv reality show called cribs, where pregnant celebrities show off their designer baby cribs
pitch a sopranos/lord of the rings mashup starring actor james gandalfini
found a flight school that specializes in teaching kids under five how to fly helicopters. it's so successful that a decade later, 46% of all professional helicopter pilots are between the ages of 7-13.
institute a series of bizarre judging criteria for popular events:
- sat scores and gpas for swimsuit contests
- mandatory limerick writing for teams competing in the superbowl, evaluated on humour and originality
- an entire season of dancing with the stars where contestants are evaulated on how well they dance while wearing blocks of ice on their feet
- all grammy award performers must include a kazoo solo in their performance
pitch a movie called forest grump, about a misanthropic son of a bitch who shows up in all the key moments of 20th century american history
start saying things when you're hungry, like "i could smersh the hell out of some pie right now"
produce a reality game show called america's almost got talent
start calling short skinny people "treble ninjas"
greenlight a comedy mashup called leave it to beaver and butthead
launch a food delivery service called sticky mule that delivers candied mule steaks
open a restaurant called landfill, located in an actual landfill, where customers have to climb a hill of trash to get to the entrance
market a hardcore feminist snack food called nut busters
open a store called refund, where customers are required to bring products back for a refund within 30 days. if they don't, collection agents are dispatched to their home. then open another store called wrapper, that only sells boxes and wrappers of products, not the prodcuts themselves.
market a line of smurfs-themed feminine hygiene products
start using the invented chat acronym: lsmrn ("literally shitting myself right now") in as many text exchanges as you can
start a meal selfie delivery service called selfie, which delivers thumbdrives of food selfies to people's homes
pitch an idea for a reality show called toilet tasters, about depraved people who travel from gas station to gas station, licking the insides of their toilet bowls
open a hippy eatery called compost, where the dishes are served on a bed of compost
start a new social media trend: influencers posting selfies of themselves buried alive in a coffin
convince hallmark to release the sassy, classy, and gassy line of friendship appreciation cards for that special flatulent friend in your life
open a bar called locker room where all the drinks are made with alcohol-infused gatorade and everyone must strip down and only wear a towel
try to popularize a new type of women's aerobics called quackercise, where they make loud quacking sounds while waddling around
open a discount store called smash n' grab whose logo shows someone throwing a brick through storefront glass
open a restaraunt called our call, where the waitstaff order for the customers based on the first impression of their personality
insist on carrying your emotional support shark with you onto the plane
open a restaurant called musical chairs, where customers must quickly switch seats at random tables when the maitre d’ randomly blows a whistle, and must eat whatever is on the plate at where they now sit.
market a line of perfumes with bizarre names:
- silence in the library
- boy and blade
- little lamb lost its way
- robot holiday
open a bakery called the tart fart, where farting is encouraged
open a hong kong phooey-themed pizza parlor where the waitstaff is encourage to randomly karate chop customers
launch a softcore porn site for necrophiliacs called horizontal heartthrobs
form a band called spoiler alert! where the lyrics to all your songs give away the endings of contemporary books, movies, and tv shows
replace all hour values with the names of dead presidents, so when someone asks you what time it is, reply with things like "it's half past jackson"
market a line of cayenne pepper/sandpaper kleenex
found an outdoor music festival called the shuddershit music fest - combination of hardcore horror bands and lots of laxative-laced foods for sale, with only a single porta potty
develop a gated suburban community named breezy twat estates
introduce jello wrestling as a legitimate college sport
start a monthly prank phone call service where customers can have the business prank call the people of their choice
start a company called toilet testers inc, where strangers come to your home to use your toilet, then rate it on a yelp! style site
launch a service that reunites bullies with their grade school victims: "helping you relive the daily cycle of violence and intimidation
rent-a-dentist: hire a dentist to shadow you when you brush each morning, where they evaluate your technique and remind you to floss
start a service called wipe me, for the otherwise healthy who are too lazy to wipe their own ass. text them 20 min ahead of time and they'll send somone over to wipe you.
pitch a weekend newspaper cartoon series called bijou bourgie, about the misadventures of a vapid social media influencer
market a line of cabbage-flavored mouthwash
become mayor of your town and institute a townwide holiday called push a stranger day, where people can push people they don't know when they encounter them on the street
open an urgent care service called in no rush ("we're gonna take our sweet time getting to you"), a daycare called caligula daycare, and a dating site called you'll do for now (swipe "meh")
open a southern styled diner in the heart of brooklyn, where you serve dishes with names like country-fried lump
form an elite navy seal team that dresses exclusively in early 80s aerobic spandex and leg warmers
open a hybrid gym/ice-cream parlor called yin yang
open a roadside diner whose sign outside reads "eat kids free"
start a service called trouble bunny, for those times a person wants 500 rabbits placed in someone's home while they are away
submit a proposal to retrofit the remaining telephone booths across the usa into wanking booths, where people pay $5 for a 5-minute session to fap one out behind closed doors. "step right in, close the door, drop trou, and let it all out on the floor."
open a restaurant called fake news where the waitstaff all lie to you and the menu is full of misinformation
convince reader's digest to begin a monthly installment called online drama in real life, which recounts the gripping true stories of petty online squabbles
open a restaraunt called hiccup!, where anyone who gets the hiccups while eating there eats free
market a camping product called poop blanket, which is a blanket that's been soaked in piss and feces for 2 year
open an ice cream parlor where all the flavors are both named after and laced with prescription drugs, then launch a line of anti-depressent microwave meals where prescription medication is a key ingredient
start a line of horrible cereals: oat pussers, whiskey-o's, #metoolovesgranola,
open a bar called atlantis that only serves fish-infused drinks
start an investment company called monkey business where trained monkeys handle all the daily financials
open a diner called mo's crapper where all patrons are seated inside bathroom stalls
open a restaurant called stfu where speaking is prohibited
open a car called rub one out that caters to onanists. patrons are advised to wear raincoats.
open a restaurant called sis boom ra! where all the waitstaff are cheerleaders. they form a human pyramid by your table when they take your order, and cheerlead shout the daily specials and your order back to you, punctuating it with things like "let's go let's go gooooooo team!"
start selling bags of your own feces under the label of "healing clay"
convince your local newspaper to start printing obituaries for people's cellphones and laptops that die
start a publishing company that publishes the memoirs of people who spend their lives watching tv and playing video games
start a fleet of delivery drones tasked with the autonomous delivery of dirty limericks anonymously to people
start asking strangers on the street "what do you think of the anus as a whole?"
market a line of sugar-coated dental floss, chocolate-flavored mouthwash, and cheeto-flavored toothpaste for kids
market a cousin of the fat suit called the fart suit, for people who want to be far more flatulent than they really are
develop a line of ethically made vegan/hemp laptops and tablets that users must peal in place to generate power to use
launch a historical revisionist push to portray lyndon baines johnson as america's first queer-friendly president. produce a documentary called lbjgqt and create a poster with lbj's face colored in the lgbt rainbow color scheme.
convince hollywood to make another sequel to independence day: homecoming, this one called interdependence day, where the aliens and the humans have to work together to combat global warming. in a plot twist, the aliens of exiled citizens of long-lost atlantis, returned to earth after their million-year diaspora. "we're in this thing together" - bill pullman
start a delivery service that delivers lead-based paint to people's homes
launch a kickstarter campaign to rename the international space station from i.s.s. to i.s.i.s.
popularize a new mindfulness lifestyle movement called "the slow greeting movement" where people drastically slow down their speech when greeting someone. a single "hello" takes upwards of 2 minutes to pronounce. mindfulness gurus champion it as being part of the antidote to our hectic, always online lifestyle. tik tok becomes filled with videos of influencers showing off their new slow greeting styles. then follow that up with "the slow shitting movement" that espouses the 2-hour shit. gwtneth paltrow devotes an episode of her goop podcast to slow shitting, with a webinar where her and her users share bathroom cam feeds of them all taking a 90-min dump. "the most authentic shit i've ever taken!" "wiping afterward felt like a celebration of self" "smooth and long, just like it should" are among the testimonials.
publish a glossy canine fashion magazine called doggy style
start posting weird things on craigslist:
- for sale: 500 baskets of gently used water
- wanted: two dozen hovedrivers with extra stencil spikes
- emotionless blues band seeks catatonic lap steel player
- quality derives, still in original wrapper, $500 firm
start complimenting strangers on their "industry smell"
open a trauma therapy clinic named save the drama for your mama
publish a cookbook that features recipes where similarly spelled clothing items are substituted for food:

bandana muffins
balaclava

form a theremin-based country and western band
convince the smithsonian to begin selling freeze-dried astronaut shit in their gift shop. "just don't mistake it for the freeze-dried astronaut ice cream!" is the marketing slogan.
produce a surrealist version of jeopardy with challenges like "eight-legged word for snow: ______"
start a newspaper advice column called ask a woke work friend, where all the answers manage to circle back to white supremacist culture, even if the question is about keeping the sink clean or using a co-worker's coffee mug
pitch an ideology/fashion makeover show to vh1: qanon eye for the liberal guy. "from hemp to camo in two weeks"
make it your life's mission to combine as many cliches as possible in daily conversation:
- "he's grasping at straws that broke the camel's back"
- "give him an inch and he'll walk a mile in another man's shoes"
open a clothing store called skidmarks that only sells used underwear
market a brand of sexy seafood: strap-on salmon. "hold onto something, it's gonna be a wild ride"
pitch a sexy crime show to fox called better ball saul
open a packing store that includes among its services letting customers pay by the hour to stand in a corner and pop rolls of bubble wrap
publish a relationship advice book with the title men are from mars, women are from kandahar province
become a pro-facism rapper named lil' duterte
start a charity program for kids called turds for tots, where rich people send kids their gift-wrapped gold-flecked turds at christmas time
publish a recipe book of garbage-based foods: cranberry trash muffians, sewage al dente, etc
start a private space company with the sole purpose of spreading covid to other planets
convince the girl scouts to start selling cannabis-laced cookies
open a hip chain of "seefood" restaurants where diners may only look at the pictures of the food they order. it becomes a huge hit with influencers, breatharians, anorexics, food selfie curators, and celebrities. claim to offer electrolyte-infused air filtration that imbues patrons with "an almost subliminal level of nutritional satiation."
market a line of scratch and sniff feminine products
teach an exercise class at senior centers and morgues called extremely low-impact aerobics for the catatonic and the dead
open a store called sweatshop, that sells the bottled sweat of celebrities: the yeezy raquetball sweat line, etc.
become an international news reporter while still believing that the term sectarian violence refers to secretaries fighting
convince rupaul to host a fashion makeover show called queer eye for the qanon guy
get a job as a stand-in funeral attendee, attending on behalf of people who don't want to go
start a support group for parents worried their children aren't watching enough tv
usher in the trend of alcholic salads, covered in spiked salad dressings, and open an eatery called salad bar where patrons leave shit faced after a single salad
found a poetry festival called the shark attack poetry festival, with a ludicrously generous cash prize such that the world's best poets grudingly try their hand at writing poems about shark attacks
market a snack food named butterscortch thrizzle
form a sub-minimum wage electro duo called the sweatshop boys
develop a late night talkshow called eyeball to eyeball with cosmo twerkwood, where the host and guest have their faces pressed together nose to nose for the entire interview
convince hallmark to release a line of salty "i'd rather eat shit" rsvp cards
convince five of the most taciturn people you know to join you on a two-week road trip
open a thrift shop in hollywood called unsalvageable where you sell the most beat to shit clothing imaginable. a few hip celebs and influencers start posting selfies wearing your stuff and soon fashionistas are trying to outdo one another in how derelict they appear. coachella that year resembles an assembly of flea-bitten bums.
open a restaurant called dog day afternoon that serves pets before people, frequently getting the orders mixed up and serving dog food to people
start using the phrase "then the terrorists have won" as a way of browbeating people into doing what you want:
- "if you don't loan me that $50, then the terrorists have won"
- "if you don't give me head, then the terrorists have won"
begin updating your linkedin with absurdly inappropriate job titles that don't exist, making yourself singularly unpalatable to hiring managers:
- strip club stenographer at big daddy's gentleman's club
- fortnite tutor for k-12 students
- ghost writer for rodrigo duterte's memoirs
- professional harvey weinstein impersonator
- currently on a three year "manchild" sabbatical where you are devoting yourself to raising your video game scores
- animal ventriloquist
- owner of a boutique landscaping business that specializes in giving facelifts to lawn gnomes
- drug czar
open a used underwear store called skidmarks
institute a national holiday called switcheroo, where all binary relationships must be reversed: parents and children, teachers and students, cops and criminals, bosses and employees, owners and pets, husbands and wives, etc. it's only a two-day holiday but the country spends months repairing and recovering from the damage and chaos.
open an edgy eatery called projectile, where servers fling the dishes at patrons, who are given a catcher's glove when they're seated
start your own business as a hipster divorce photographer, where you take trendy filtered photos of tatted hipster couples getting divorces in rustic natural locations like in the middle of fields or on cliffs overlooking the ocean. name your business untie the knot photography and give gushing virtue-signalling interviews for social media about the beauty and authenticity of helping your clients "rediscover their unique selves while helping them practice mindfulness and self-care."
start referring to all the women you know as "baby-hatching apparatus"
launch a whodunit? cruise ship called the agatha christie, where on each cruise one passenger is chosen at random to be murdered and another is chosen to be the killer, with the ship's resident detective tasked with solving the murder while the cruise is still in progress. despite the mortal risk, passengers continue to eagerly sign up.
open an artisanal roadkill eatery called pith & possum
market a line of untested natural health products that have unexpected side effects, call it nature's mutiny and create ads that show moss and fungi sprouting from people's skin
start referring to all wealthy young adults as "bitcoin douchebags"
become an undergrad poetry professor at a small liberal arts college and publish a poetry collection called kiss me where the sun don't shine: collected poems
market a product called trump extract that promises to give users the brazenly powerful chutzpah of donald trump. the small print states "while we cannot guarantee our product will grant you success in your endeavors, it will turn heads when family, friends, and co-workers notice your balls-out, take-charge new attitude"
move to berkely, ca, change your name to blazes o'moynahan and model your look after the archetype of a 19th-century boxer, while challenging the townsfolk to public boxing matches
publish a cookbook of recipes for outer space debris titled fell to earth. recipes include fried comet and cajun-blackened satellite.
marry a person largely on the basis of their twitter feed, then divorce them on the basis of their instagram feed
convince the ceo of hooter's to help bankroll a private manned mission to mars under the condition that the first inhabitable structure on the planet is a hooter's restaurant
name your first child leviathan 1.0
spend five years of your life taking photos of every public bathroom stall in america, then publish the highlights in a coffee table photobook called shitter: the hidden heart and soul of america
market a line of hp lovecraft-inspired sex toys: the deep deep deep ones, cthulube, etc
spend a month where you only speak in the russian-influenced argot nadsat as popularized in the burgess novel a clockwork orange: "viddy viddy kino snatch, my droogies?" and so on
convince acclaimed documentary filmmaker errol morris to make a documentary about the teletubbies, which damages his credibility among film critics. he never forgives you and in later years states, "i must have taken leave of my senses."
quit your job and take out a loan to open a rustic b&b called queef creek lodge
form a beatles cover band but try to pass the material off as being originals: "here's a little number we wrote last week. our first time tonight playing it before a live audience. it's called 'i wanna hold your hand'"
in an ill-advised, tone-deaf attempt to help america heal its divisions, form a band called fine people on both sides and write songs with titles like "we love you. you are very special."
get a job writing ad copy for sex toys in a language that you barely understand: "the pocketed cat toy is very suitable for male masturbation. some sexual desires can not been released for a long time, it is undoubtedly a good choice. it helps your gland stay active and strong. you are more for outstanding in the reality shows with your partner, and also can to let your hands totally free."
open a surgery clinic that specializes in transforming patients into their favorite tv character. the lawsuits begin almost immediately.
market a line of "science is for democrats" bumper stickers, causing confusion among the left and the right as to what side they are supporting when they put them on their car
convince oneamericanewsnetwork and npr to team up on fund drives
annoy those around you by asking them riddles that you make up on the spot and that have no answers: "when is a duck not a duck?" and so on. after a few days of this, people stop listening to you
market a line of potpourri-scented toilet plungers
convince radiohead to let you open for them for their first post-covid concert and spend your entire set reading aloud your boba fett fan fiction
spend a decade of your life composing nursery rhymes that sound like a nest of angry bees
become head of product development for crayon and convince them to introduce two new color options: used car orange and dirty needle brown
adopt a series of increasingly elaborate facial tics simply out of boredom
form a right-wing 80s hair metal band called quiet capitol riot and name your beach house führer's roost
open a franchise of bull fighting summer camps for kids in america's most liberal cities
open a gym where chocolate cake is served in all cycling classes
convince martin scorsese to direct an animated pokemon sex comedy
move to australia and become a militant woke boxer named knuckles queerbrow
convince nasa to fund you billions of dollars to build a series of early warning detection stations around the world to detect incoming farts before they occur. in your pitch, you somehow convinced the right people that one day "the big one" could hit, rendering life on earth "uninhabitable for centuries."
run for potus on the platform of putting a preservation hall jazz band in every garage or spare room. "no american tax paying family shall do without!"
manage a punk band of angry short janitors called knee-high custodial fist
declare to your team during a tuesday morning meeting that today is "taco titty tuesday" as you lift your shirt, where flattened tacos are crammed into your bra
quit your job, move to hollywood, and pitch a gonzo reality prank show called christ, i hope it's not poop
convince u2 to change their name to #youtoo
form an 80's supergroup amalgam called the wrecking 2 live motley crew
market a line of frigid/unpleasant sex toys:
- the chastity box
- the icicle glove
- the not tonight dear, i have a headache
- the obligatory marital birthday handjob ("sighs and looks at its watch if you take longer than two minutes to finish")
launch an erotic version of linkedin called kinkedin "where the sexed up go to further their careers"
become editor of playboy magazine and commission woke pictorials like the women of #blm and the women of #metoo
develop a tv series that is a scatologically-minded reboot of the office called the orifice
form a "coffee and syphilis" meetup group just for kicks to see who signs up
form an all-star band of covid-positive rock stars called superspreader
a sky diving school for narcoleptics
become a white supremacist dj called 2proudboy and play republican events where you sample speeches from the likes of hitler, david dukes, richard spencer, and mussolini and set them to a beat
begin self identifying as a ufo and insist that your employer and the government recognize you as such
open a butcher shop called lopped off, with the store sign showing a bloody meat cleaver
open a chain of grocery stores for preteens called harris tweener
an alvin & the chipmunks themed episode of american idol
market a line of artisanal meat-infused water drinks: sausage springs life water
sell a line of beers called dark mushroom, with the slogan "fancy a bit of the fungi?"
market a line of lingerie for corpses called coffin panties
become a burlesque performer named dita von taze who electrocutes her audience
market an ambiguous sandwich called country honk to truckstops and gas stations
form a polite white yacht funk band called van ordinaire and the meretricious dongs
make it your life's work to stage a noh theater adaptation of the latest baywatch movie
try to convince people that there is such a thing as the endangered feces act
market a line of lgbtq+-themed handguns and rifles
begin posting non-sensical notification signs in outdoor public areas:
"no shalegagging allowed"
"absolutely no mock turtles beyond this point!"
"sorry, fresh out of bunnyvale thrizzlerifters"
develop a line of emojis that depict the facial expressions of nerve gas attack victims
launch a tiktok channel for morticians called death streaming
make a tape loop of a baby crying then play it loudly on repeat on a boombox. put the boombox in a filthy dumpster and film people as they climb in to "rescue the baby," then upload the vids to youtube.
develop the habit of saying things like this on first dates:
"imagine if the nazis had had instagram"
"guess how long i was breast fed as a child!"
"after dinner, would you show me your vestigial tail?"
open a vice summer camp for kids, an intensive 8-week long camp where skills like cyberbullying, porn downloading, underage drinking, vandalism, and drug use are taught. proudly proclaim your "success rate" of 94% of camp graduates who end up in juvie within 6 months of graduation.
write a coming of age children's memoir with lines like "In 3rd grade, I liked funyuns so much I would have eaten them straight out of satan's asshole"
market a line of caramel mucus hard candies called throat butter. marketing slogan: "you coughed it up. we wrapped it in a sweet hard sugar shell and sold it right back to you."
market a snack food called fruited wombat clusters
start saying things like "it's 2021 and i'm totally racist against racism" in the hopes of ingratiating yourself among young people
become an influential food critic and convince people that skunk sauce is going to be the next big thing
on a whim, fly to haiti and attempt to install yourself as interim president
record a remake of the allman brothers band classic eat a peach but reimagined for a meaner america. call it eat a dick.
convince radiohead and u2 to play a series of concerts together with the catch that each band performs the other's songs
become a senior manager at hallmark and convince them to market a line of "it's your own damn fault" sympathy cards to unvaccinated victims of covid
open an embalming summer camp for kids
buy a german sheppard and name it götterdämmerung
market an ambiguous luxury product called ultra gold: pure shit
market a line of gourmet ice cream named after bowel movements:
- chocolate triple flush slush
- corn floaters
- coiled cranky anaconda
- dank dark broth
market a line of gourmet seasonings called fried gorgon paste
mcdonald's markets a line of workplace sexual harassment happy meals, called the #metoomeal. they come with plastic action figures of harvey weinstein and rose mcgowan, so kids can have them battle it out while eating.
develop a puzzle toy called rubik's pubes, where you try to untangle a thick patch of elderly pubic hair, six shades of grey
produce a mean-spirited children's prank show called stomp conkers, where mean kids take delight in fucking people up
start a faux lifestyle magazine called trundled, where the focus is on beautiful photos of rickety distressed wheeled furniture
self-publish an illustrated children's book promoting female circumcision called sally's snip
market an energy drink for virile rednecks called guzzle gizzard
market a gourmet beverage called aquarium broth "now with 14% more fish piss"
convince great thunberg to record a cover of madonna's "vogue" rewritten around themes of environmental collapse. the video shows her modeling a variety of burlap sacks and ragamuffin outfits, standing in the middle of flooded city streets or arid deserts, doing a variety of dance moves that involve wagging her finger sternly at the viewer.
develop a brand of condoms for necrophiliacs called corpse ticklers. tagline: "they won't even know the difference"
convince weird al jankovic to do a cover of madonna's papa don't preach but make it be about the dangers of piracy and file sharing: "papa don't leech, i'm in trouble deep. but i made up my mind and i'm keeping my downloads. gonna keep my downloads."
come to work on your first day as a 6th grade teacher wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "my boyfriend's wife hates me"
spend millions developing and marketing a gourmet condiment called culpepper's armpit sauce
popularize a new workout trend: fog jogging. people running in near zero visibility conditions, colliding with lampposts, trash cans, and one another. market a line of grey workout clothes that make it even harder to be seen, further increasing the chance of collisions with others.
the next time a co-worker casually asks you how you're doing, reply with "i'm festooned with hot doomswaddle and victory snot. how 'bout you?"
open a fast food restaurant called michael stipe's, where all the meal names and descriptions are written in an unintelligble mumble. one marketing slogan would be "pretty sure it's vegan" and playing in a band would be one requirement for employment.
publish a children's book franchise called limony snicket and act surprised when you are sued
prank stores by putting signs in places the cashier won't notice that read "thank you for shoplifting with us today"
in line at the grocery store, start accusing the guy in front of you of impregnating sharks
attempt to convince people that "pissing white woman syndrome," where the media devotes extensive coverage when a white woman urinates in public, while ignoring the same behavior from people of color, is a thing and should be called out
spend a month of your life replying to every single spam email you get, clicking every link, and signing up for every service
convince wes anderson to direct a series of vomcoms: comedies that feature a lot of scenes of people throwing up
develop a line of cabbage-scented air freshener products called just one whiff
start readying ulysses to your kids as a bedtime story
begin giving your co-workers bizarre, unflattering nicknames:
- teddy "sewer apples" jackson
- susan "bird tooth" jones
- mike "you fucking people make me sick" davis
- donny "viral cryworker" perkins
- molly "divorce oil" bloom
- trip "pancake cocaine bridge" sweeney
- robert "fellatio turtle" welliver
- benji "soccer mump" sanford
- trixie "plantation selfie" partridge
- brad "el dorado athletic cup" perkins
- ethan "gob ringer" st. john
- stevie "plumber crack" nicks
- elizabeth "waddlecomb" miller
- ansel "rumble pants" nunez
- grover "cheese teeth" wayland
- jonathan "shiny batchain puller" jackson
- tobiath "nose taster" wilcox
- pete "dusty underwear pebbles" bateman
- christy "pop culture hellscape" abbot
- stanley "buttock peaches" lowery
- frank "fingersauce" williams
- enid "guacamole eyes" barrington
- john "my lungs are obsolete" peterson
- pete "molasses face" von blondie
- richard "sugar britches" jackson
- deacon "panywaist" o'dell
- pappy "stonkclaw" lerouyx
- oscar "puss britches" stalingrad
- brittany "auschwitz selfie" gordon
found a charter school where each class has an appointed class clown: a student chosen at the random on the first day, who must wear a clown costume while in class for the entire year
market a sex product for nerds called rubik's lube
release an album of old timey murder ballads called i'm not the killing kind
become ceo of hallmark's and convince them to release a line of greeting cards celebrating the deaths of unvaccinated republicans. sample card: ain't darwin's law a bitch?
somehow convince mcdonald's to release a shakespeare-themed meal called the mcbeth
convince npr to begin broadcasting a game show called wait, wait, don't cancel me! where celebrity contestants try to backpedal on culturally insensitive tweets they've made, and the audience votes on whether or not to culturally cancel them
greenlight two mime-centric crime shows: msi: mime scene investigations and mimeami vice
open a flower store that specializes in "reparation bouquets" for unconscionable acts and violent crimes. popular bouquets include:

"my bad for the dui hit and run" tulip arrangement
"so sorry about the home invasion/aggravated assault" rose assortment
"sincere apologies for 370 years of slavery" spring arrangement
"on behalf of the board, our company's heartfelt apologies for poisoning your community's water supply"

found a meditation group where the focus is on complaining and meditating on personal grievances
start a new online trend of people replacing their middle names with celebrity names:

peter brad pitt wilcox
buddy david foster wallace sanchez
sergio jennifer aniston porter

open a social club called club catheter, with the marketing line "where relief is always at hand"
release an album of star wars-themed jazz standards: the droid from ipanema, deathstars fell on alabama, stella by deathstar light
produce a tv gameshow where contestants have to guess what food a person ate by the smell of their farts. special odor-enabled tv enhancements are available for purchase by the home viewing audience.
open the museum of farts, with scratch and sniff panels and listening booths, and a global mapping that describes how farts differ from culture to culture and over the centuries
mortage your house to fund the production of claymation porno films
market a line of relaxation candles called the guantanamo collection
develop a line of fart-scented potpourri called the smelt it>dealt it collection
become a game show producer and risk your career with the production of a game show where contestants try to correctly guess the food a person ate by the odor of their farts. for the home viewing audiences, scent misting devices can be purchased that attach to the tv, enabling them to guess as well.
convince disney to unveil a new ride called fart mountain, where ride goers ride in carts in the shape of beans and pass through clouds of noxious sulphuric gas and get jostled by immense rumbles
start calling your boss "big softy" behind their back
develop a new strain of flowers that smell like farts, then convince flower stores to sell arrangements of them: the sbd collection. people begin buying them to send them to people they dislike.
write a country western pop song about the unowned self-loathing of the midwestern american male called take a dump on me
produce a teen sex comedy about the erotic misuse of kitchen cookware called american pyrex
reboot the girls gone wild franchise but have it be footage of girls reverted to a feral, tribal lord of the flies state, all savagery and primitivism as they wreak havoc across the abandoned strip malls of america
launch a lovecraftian porn site called eldritchpussy.com
publish a book called the wisdom of right-wing crowds that is nothing but blank pages
convince amazon to stock adolf hitler's mein kampf and list it in the christian books and bibles section
open a boutique store called arms and ears, which specializes in fancy accessories only for arms and ears, and then open a spinoff store called big toe
hang out in singles bars and say things like "i love it when rape becomes consensual" to people you've just met
convince the editors of the chicago manual of style to include a section on emoji usage
convince netflix to offer a special "hate watching" subscription plan where its algorithm recommends shows that it determines you will hate, and you pay a lower monthly fee if you binge watch the programs in 8-hour stretches and leave scathing reviews
start telling young people "the bitcoin stops here" when you want to sound like you're running the show
found an architectural firm whose stated goal is designing homes that slowly instill madness in their occupants. call it eldritch builders and market yourselves as such. immediately attract "edgy" high-profile clients like trent reznor and marilyn manson. cite the suicide rate increase in long-term occupants of your homes.
convince the john deere company to introduce a jurrassic park-themed farm vehicle: the velocitractor
develop a line of fungi-filled lunch products for kids called fungibles. "puts the fun in fungus!"
convince your wife she suffers from a rare form of sleep sickness called sleep twerking, where she sleep twerks in the middle of the night
open a craft beer brewery where all the beers are named after serial killers
convince the heinz company to release a product called heinz 69 sauce, where the bottle has a nozzle at both ends
convince dodge to name its next truck the dodge phallus and produce a commercial that's footage of the truck mixed with a montage of guns, red meat, american flags, and erect phalluses
convince hasbro to market a wind-up doll zen monk action figure that does nothing when you wind it up, as well as a social justice warrior to their line of g.i. joe action figures
open a tattoo parlor that specializes in sub-dermal tattoos
open a flower store that specializes in schadenfreude bouquets. customers send the it couldn't happen to a nicer person arrangement when they wish to celebrate the misfortune of someone they dislike.
start a company that provides cosplay services to household pets: the harry potter housecat, the star wars chihuahua
devote your entire life to trying to popularize bizarre meaningless times of the day you've made up:
- half past jackson
- schweefifteen
- tremorous o'clock
open a library that only stocks tragic literature and call it the crybrary
open a styling salon called armpit where the speciality is the styling of armpit hair. it catches on and attractive instagram-ready women begin growing their armpit hair so they can style it in increasingly elaborate ways.
open a pet store called vermin where the specialty is selling fleas, ticks, lice, and bedbugs as adoptable pets
write a children's book about a blind seeing eye dog that is constantly leading its owner into hazardous situations: clifford the big blind seeing eye dog, then write another about a ghost that's addicted to social media: casper the friend me ghost
plan several festivals that are perversly ill-advised:
- the eruption music festival, held directly below an active volcano
- methane fest 2022, which celebrates global warming. thousands of cows are shipped the event.
- cancel fest 2022, where those who've been notably culturally cancelled gather to party down and collectively celebrate their newfound cultural irrelevance
convince george lucas to allow you to use the star wars license in making your live action star wars film where all the actors are turtles
convince disney to release a nine hour art movie called dortmunder shaves his pubes
open a restaurant called spilled milk, where all the waitstaff is exceedingly clumsy. you soon attract a customer base of people who thrive on chaos.
attempt to popularize the trend of "used food" - food that hasn't already been eaten per se, but has been kicked around a bit and rendered little worse for wear:
- used ice cream that's melted a little bit, been swirled around in a bowl, then put back inside the container
- used potato chips that have been taken out of the bag and had much of the surface seasonings stuck to someone's fingers, then put back into the bag
- used pasta that's been rolled around already on someone's fork
- used sushi, where a few pieces are slightly mangled from having been handled by someone who couldn't use chopsticks
convince ralph lauren to release a line of dorito's scented men's cologne and ben & jerry's to release a flavor of cannabis ice cream called munchy madness
get a job writing clickbait that relies upon reader knowledge of 14th-century eastern mystics
become an albino whitney houston impersonator and call yourself whitey houston
attempt to popularize the practice of adopting "rescue" scorpions
open a porcupine petting zoo
convince the producers of american idol to devote an entire season to mime performances
form an incompetent bangles cover band called the bungles
start pranking bird watchers by flying a drone around that looks like an extinct bird
convince daniel day lewis to star in a movie about jewish rappers fighting nazis, called the beastie boys from brazil
try to popularize the halloween trend of haunted whorehouses
form an incompetent bangles cover band called the bungles, then form a dyslexic go-go's cover band called the og-og's
create a feminist comic book hero called the cunted emasuclator
greenlight a kid's prank tv show called fart factory
open a surrealist restaurant and serve absurdist dishes:
- venusian quarrel fish
- pancake peacock gobble pie
- exquisite toasted corpse
- spinach wasp omlette
- fudge parmesan totems
- moth dumplings
- tantric whiskey sprouts
- caramelized fossil
- burlap bag of candied licorice lump
next time you visit your doctor, ask with a straight face if unimpeded sperm floats to the moon
tell everyone you meet that you're a plagarian, one who only reads plagarized works, and open plagarist press, which only publishes authors who are known plagarists
open an eatery called hangdog sandwich co, where all the employees and even the food look harragd and down on their luck
open a drive-through bank that also accepts fecal deposits, storing them in vacuum-sealed safe boxes. "and would you like this nutty steaming pantload deposited in your checking or savings account today, mrs jones?" follow that up by creating a new form of fecal-centric global curency: shitcoin.
market a line of aggressive animatronic toy animals called grrranimals, which randomly attack whoever is playing with them.
start calling every man you meet "lemon boy" and mime like you're sucking on a lemon when you say it
open a lotr-themed sex shop called golem's hard on
for the grand re-opening of your restaurant, design a huge banner that reads "no more brown sludge!"
open a sex club called the horny robot, where sex bots go to be pleasured by humans
start using the word "jason" as a verb, with no explanation of what it means: "we'll ask them to jason in some changes before it goes live" etc
teach a power of positive thinking workshop where you use ghengis khan as your rolde model. pronounce his last name "can" can call it the ghengis khan course in positive miracles and crushing your goals.
publish a medical coloring book for kids called when sepsis sets in
open a heavy petting zoo where people get very friendly with the animals indeed
open a speed dating service that lives up to its name, putting clients in downhill slaloms or top-flight race cars, or simply hopping them up on crank so they're talking 1,000 words a minute, then seeing if they can hit it off
begin crashing the weddings of strangers, where you shout "i have serious concerns!" when the preacher finishes saying "speak now or forever hold your peace" then invent some highly believable reason on the spot
release a brand of oppressive eastern european inspired liquors called kafka spirits, with names like penal colony and metamorphosis ("drink too much of this and you'll feel like a beetle on its back"
market skunks as pets using the claim that they'll act as a portable fart camouflager to those who suffer excessive flatulence. "no one will ever suspect it's you when there's a skunk by your side"
market a snack food called juvies, with juvenille felons appearing in your ads and on the packaging. part of the profits go toward building more juvenile detention centers.
convince investors that the public is ready for pelican-based snack foods and lunches: pelican thins, pelican broth, etc.
start a pest-removal service that comes to your neighborhood and descretly rids the neighborhood of any excessivly annoying neighbors
open a frozen yogurt place where the yogurt is frozen into thick blocks of ice, and customers must chisel away to extract their order
open a moving company where the movers show up and recite tragic or romantic monologues or theater scenes, bringing customers to tears. when they ask why you're not moving their belongings, reply "oh we're here to emotionally move you. that's what you wanted, right?"
open a gas station where the attendants come to your car, fart into your open window, and then stroll away
open a pet store where customers can only pet the animals, not take them home
open a clothing store called hymn and her that only sells embroidered hymnals for women
convince conde naste to publish a magazine called counter culture, where each month trendy edgy art types discuss the latest in kitchen counters
open an eatery for nervous eaters called gnaw
open a restaurant called parrot, where patrons must have a 10-minute conversation with the parrot of their choice before the chef prepares it for them
design an architecture that changes based on mood so that anyone can tell what kind of mood you're in just by looking at your house
create a new folklore character - a feral holiday prankster named humpty dumptart
convince the travel channel to produce a prank travel show called perfuming the air with charlie, about two misanthropic drifters who go into fancy shops and restaurants and rip massive silent farts, while the hidden camera film the reactions of those around them
organize a softball team of perpetually constipated midgets named the hershey squirts
open a mime cafe called jacque's where there are no menus and diners must intuit what each dish is based on the mime waiter's visual depiction
develop a hybrid neti pot/chamber pot
convince lego and viagra to collaborate on the erector set toy assortment
start nicknaming people who talk a lot "tattle panties"
start a curated at-home meal delivery service for bulimics called upchuck
market a line of vladimir putin barbie dolls
try to kick off the trend in microscopic eateries: "small eating for small people"
market a line of urine-filled hard candy called tangy urine blasters: hard wax candy with a teaspoon of tangy piss inside. "bite down and go 'waaaaah!'" is the slogan.
found a company devoted to solving problems that don't exist, your slogan being "solutions in search of problems"
open a restaurant called eccentricities that only hires clinically insane chefs and waitstaff, and encourage them to be themselves
hire an especially obnoxious group of 13-year old boys to design a theme park, with rides like the titty twister and the nut tapper
open an absurdist restaurant called peter's wholly inappropriate roadhouse eatery, and serve things like:

another man's burger: we bring out our best made-to-order burger, but as soon as we serve it to the guy who ordered it, we tell him "psyche!" and bring it over to you instead. you won't know what's in it, but you can bet that the results are gonna be spicy!
rejected catch of the day: a seafood dish of our choice, one that's been returned to the kitchen by another diner for being wholly unacceptable. for the not-so-picky eater.
mother's milk casserole: made with milk squeezed right out of the tit of our most pregnant waitress
heavy metal meatloaf: mystery meat that scores alarmingly high on the iron and lead spectrum
lap coffee: our house specialty roast that's been spilt in the lap of another diner, then wrung out of their soaked garments straight into your cup. hints of linen and detergent make this a complex blend.
shouty monkey trout: freshwater trout that's been caught by a very vocal monkey. both are served on the plate.
non-binary perched salmon: seafood doesn't get woker than this
grease stain in a honky bowl
marshmallows and oatmeal in toilet water
artisanal reparations: our chef's way of making amends for 200 years of bad food
chocolate bison in decider sauce: bison meat braised in 84% dark chocolate and topped with our signature sauce, a confident blend of musk and eastern spices that points you where you need to go. popular with mountain guides and cliff climbers.

market a product line of inexpensive used kleenexs using the following marketing slogans:
- "you never know what you might find"
- "a surprise in every tissue!"
- "get intimate with a stranger!"
develop a social app called nuisance that sends out all notifications in one batch at 3am and that cannot be disabled
start a home delivery service called patterson's bespoke turds: steaming turds made to order. "i'll have two orders of the nutty corn infused loaf"
form a company that sends people around to pick the noses of customers too lazy to do it themselves
market a product called the vibrating turd replacer
start a home meal delivery service that delivers regurgitated food to adults who self-identify as infants
open a restaurant called dine and dash that encourages customers to run out without paying, and a department store called five finger discount that encourages shoplifting
open a coffee shop called smart aleck that trains its baristas to be rude and sarcastic to customers
produce a game show called it's probably piss where contestants try to identify unknown stains in clothes
market a snack food called baxter's bacteria cakes
start a helicopter site seeing tour company where all the pilots are flatulent midgets
change your name to oleg fttttumpfff and host a reboot of the family feud, which pits staunch left wingers and right wingers within families against one another
start a thing called desert island dick pics, where celebs and other notables are asked what essential dick pics they'd bring with them if they were stranded on a desert island
start greeting people you barely know with "yo, dandruff dawg"
found the zapruder film festival, a weekend festival where the most famous political assassination films are shown
produce a travel show called sediment sifters, about two silent men who travel from town to town sifting the sediment around in muddy creeks. tv critics embrace it, calling it a "zen revelation."
hire yourself out as a professional belly drainer
when someone asks you what you do for a living, reply "i am a purveyor of abstractions"
try to start a new trend of instagram influencers bleaching their tongue
set your away status message to read "currently waxing the bot pout"
market a line of lice-resistant lingerie for hobos
start using the word "alicing" as a verb: "we'll be onsite all day tomorrow, gonna be alicing the entire first floor"
convince the navy seals to require all seals to have their own tiktok and post to it once a day, including during intense firefights
become a high-powered tech ceo and force your entire company to play an elaborate game of cowboys and indians each month where everyone dresses up and the office is converted into a western battlefield. "circle the wagons!"
convert to judaism and open a microbrewery called hebrew, with judaic-centric beer names: jewbacca ("a bad-tempered wooly brown ale")
open a hollywood talent agency for hens
convince disney world to open a global warming theme park with rides that show the dystopic hellscape that our world shall become in 25, 50, and 100 years
form an extremely clumsy professional sports team called the new york oopsie daises that messes up every crucial play. this catches on and more teams are formed:
- the cleveland klutzes
- the new jersey fuckups
- the carolina fumblers
- the detroit defeatists
- the green bay losers
- the miami missers
- the san francisco wimps
- the chicago no shows (who don't even bother to show up to games)
market a line of dried booger snack food called nose candy
create a ride sharing app for corpses, a navy seal training program for kids, and an astronaut program for the morbidly obese
open a food truck called bob's gore shack, with the outside of your truck painted with bloody art showing carcasses hanging by hooks
publish the latchkey kid cookbook, where all the recipes are peanut butter jelly sandwiches, tuna, and cereal
start selling freeze dried pencil shavings as a magic cure-all for arthritis
publish the emoji cookbook where all the instructions are presented in emojis
convince your parents to begin naming their children with emojis instead of names...it becomes necessary to hold up your smartphone to display the correct emoji when you wish to address them
create a prank product called brain fart, a colorless odorless powder that blocks all cognitive ability for 5 minutes
rent gallery space to show your photography exhibit expressions of defecation, consisting of close-up portraits of people's facial expression while taking a giant dump
open a mad scientist summer camp for kids and teach a cryptocurrency course for kindergarteners
publish a line of romance novels for asexuals and celibates - "the wholly intact bodice series"
convince merriam webster to publish the emoji dictionary
begin referring to yourself as the patron saint of poop
form a band named too many musicians and try to jam more musicians that will fit onstage at every gig, with your final gig at carnegie hall culminating in 323 musicians all trying to cram themselves onstage
publish the funyon cookbook, where funyons are substituted for onions in every dish
open a bagel place called bagels for bastards that gives a 75% discount to all illegitimate children
write a stoner children's book called vlad the inhaler, about a weed-loving european count
buy a van and modify it to look like an amazon prime van, then start delivering boxes of flaming poop in amazon boxes at random doorsteps
open a line of daycare centers that play hardcore gangsta rap all day long
open a yoga studio for tightly wound perfectionists called faster harder better
market an herbal soap whose secret ingredient is dried feces
manufacture a light that blinks irregularly and softly only when visible when viewed just out of the corner of one's eye
convince the world's leading diplomats to only communicate using emojis, making possible a sentence like this in a diplomat's future memoir: "we smiley faced our way back from the brink of nuclear annihilation"
market a nonsensical health product called freeze dried crump
market a fake asian cooking product called pnang fnang sauce
start putting up "no purfing" signs on people's lawns
convince harvard to offer a graduate-level seminar on the history of farts
open a donut shop that demands toe nail clippings from customers before they are served
open a music club that strictly bans applause. bouncers forcibly eject any audience member who claps after a song.
open a gym called sweet temptation where the interior artwork is glossy photos of cakes, pies, and cookies, and that has an award-winning bakery onsite
convince the boston marathon to require competitors to wear roller skates
start warning strangers to watch out for the "swedish candy mafia"
open a seedy bookstore called the purple pornography peddler
open a gourmet eatery called moist lump
open a store called smash electronics where people can bring in electronics that they want smashed to pieces
start referring to yourself as a fauxtographer and stage elaborate shoots without any film in your camera. when people ask why, answer "the most beautiful photo is in the mind."
wake up one morning convinced that submarines can be built from snot, tampons, and burritos, and devote the rest of your life to trying to prove it
perform a radiohead/culture club mashup called karma chameleon police
convince your local senior center to replace bingo night with nude jello wrestling
open a skydiving school that uses handkerchiefs tied together instead of parachutes
produce a gay travel show called around the world with 80 gays
found an investment firm called disincentivized
open a franchise of white supremacist gas station/mini marts called circle kkk
open an art gallery that encourages visitors to deface the artwork
start a home meal delivery service called oink! where the portions are 4x the recommended daily amount
start trying to convince people that "lol" stands for "lactating on laptop"
open a bar called skunked where you only sell beer that's gone bad
convince nasa to create a budget part-time space program for amateur astronauts who train for just one week before going to space
start a 24/7 absurdist news network where you report about things like forehead lemonade and bad sock knee jive, with headlines like "raindrops no longer afraid of falling" and "lions put an end to the whole thing"
open a bar called litmus test where customers must answer a series of questions before they can be served
start the constipation podcast where you only interview people who are suffering from serious constipation
open a restaurant called homo where every dish is identical
launch a kickstarter called the obidiah husk project with no information on what it is
organize a bikini contest for peg-legged women and a beauty contest to see which man has the most attractive prothestic testical
publish a children's book about cults called goonight, moonie
open a restaurant called chickens come home to roost where chickens and roosters wander freely throughout the dining area
convince norton publishing to publish an anthology of poems devoted to bodily functions and lobby for america's schools to adopt it as part of their core curriculum, leading to moments like these across high schools: "ok class let's turn to the diarrhea poem, is there any symbolism here that stands out?"
popularize the slow birth movement where all births take place in neck deep quicksand
convince fashion influencers that bulky court-ordered ankle bracelets are the must have fashion accessory for summer
open a luxury resort that only serves ravioli and chef boyardee and a line of cruise ships that only serve gerber's baby food
open a hobby shop that only sells traps, knives, and incendiary devices
market a line of shit-scented toilet paper with the slogan "it's already halfway there" and a line of fart-scented "sweet stinky dreams" pillows
market a line of gourmet truffle-infused dental floss, caviar-flavored mouthwash, and lobster-scented toothbrushes
convince america's top model to launch a contest search to find the girl with the loneliest eyes
try to popularize an after-church service across the south called sunday slurping, where kinfolk sit around the table in their sunday best and slurp soup as loudly as they can
manufacture 10,000 t-shirts with "no more orange nightingale" on the chest and sell them at strip malls across the country
organize an alzheimer's fundraiser called a night to remember
sell a line of condiments called barney's wailing sauce
open up a pop-in medical clinic called sandy's lobotomy
develop an exclusive subdivision where all the streets are named after genatalia:
- clitoris hideaway
- testical lane
- balls court
- scrotum's folly
open a combo bbq joint/birthing center on the edge of town called hank's birthing shack
teach a stool carving class. in your first class, drop your pants and take a dump that you begin carving. when the class recoils in horror, ask innocently "what? this is a stool carving class, is it not?"
open an art gallery where clients pay to have the paintings destroyed
start a moving company called two men and a dumptruck. show up at your customer's house and cart all their belongings off to the dump.
put all your retirement savings into founding an earmuff recovery service that only hires elite navy seals
open a bar called unibrow that only serves people with grow-together eyebrows and another called have you locking pliers? that only serves people who have a bulky repair tool on their person, and another called at death's door that only serves people on the verge of death
launch paperview tv. customers assume you mean pay per view and sign up for a month's access to channels that just display static images of paper.
lobby for a non-gendered batman movie called batthem
spend a decade writing a 1,600 page novel called merrill's slinky bits/phoebe shiver gas
convince the director of the cdc to make the global eradication of cooties their number one goal
convince disney world to create a new ride called fart mountain
found a church where there a whoopie cushions built into every pew, so there are constant fart sounds during services as people stand up and sit down again. "body of christ, wind of christ"
start using bizarre comebacks during verbal jousts: "oh yeah, well...god's best virgins don't even know your last name. and fourteen noble papas never even clocked your digit. and another thing, your face be terror to 18 haitian mamas out strolling."
convince the producers of dancing with the stars to devote an entire season to celebrities dancing with their pets
market a "revolutionary" hair loss treatment for men and fail to mention that it causes them to rapidly lose their hair, not regain it
create a saturday morning kids cartoon featuring disreputable anti-socials like tina tinkle, who is fond of urinating in public, and archie klepto, who can't stop himself from robbing department stores
convince hallmark to market two distinct lines of greeting cards: woke and anti-woke
invent a type of pencil eraser that also erases your short-term memories when you inhale it
open a stationary store for white supremacists called nooses n' notes
develop a cell phone marketed at liberals that features a woke autocorrect option, enabling users to adjust the level of virtue signalling they want in their messages
start an eskimo call boy service
unveil a female lifestyle product called smart queef 99
convince the producers of dancing with the stars to devote an entire season to celebrity contestants dancing with holograms of themselves
start asking health food stores if they stock aztec wiggle sauce, explaining that it's like hot sauce only aztecier
start bringing prostitutes home in order to teach them how to cook jambalaya
begin asking strangers on the street "what makes the sauce so irresistible?"
design a line of home wallpaper for home depot that depicts iconic 20th century disasters like 911, jfk assassination, challenger explosion, etc. call it the "shit happens" series.
when anyone comes within two feet of you, look at them and growl "don't mess with my doot doot"
convince the government to start a new federal assistance program: no manchild left behind. billions of dollars to help mostly white middle-aged men so they continue to wake up at noon, drink beer, play video games, and mooch off of their parents/long-suffering girlfriends/adult friends.
publish cliff's woke notes, enabling students to tell at a glance how woke their assigned reading is
make it your life's mission to waste the time of psychiatrists by swearing to various fictitious neuroses: only being able to defecate while standing on the edge of a cliff, being terrified of porridge because you think it'll cause you to giggle uncontrollably, that you're convinced that the opposite sex are actually octopuses in disguise (something that might actually be true), etc.
start asking strangers if they've run out of christmas juice, and if so, would they like some of yours
open a camp called camp bully, where kids learn how to become bullies
market a health drink called matcha kaboom! that has trace amounts of nitro glycerin and will explode if shaken. "a healthy pick-me up provided you don't lose a limb in a hail of fire and shrapnel."
create a line of heavily lsd-laced gummies called rainbow trippers, intended for use in psychedelic therapy but which end up being sold in grocery stores and drugstores where anyone can buy them
invent a prank product called giggle bastard that causes people to giggle uncontrollably for an hour. use it to prank your co-worker right before their big presentation.
develop an anti-anti-wrinkle cream that gives women deep permanent wrinkles almost immediately. becomes a big hit with women tired of the unsolicited male gaze and the #1 feminist beauty product.
begin using meaningless hashtags in all your twitter posts (#stanfordantennadebug, #happyblinkingeye, #dawntrance, #tokuschicanery, #budgetwampumwrap, #se-dest)
open a dance club called muzak where the djs play nothing but somnomulent elevator and grocery store muzak. it becomes the hottest club in la.
open a folk music club that caters to hardcore republicans and a combo shooting gallery/vegan bakery
launch an upscale wall street bar called audit where customers are audited by the irs while they drink and socialize
open an exclusive washington, dc bistro called bribe where customers must bribe the employees every step of the way: receptionist to get a reservation, waiter to be served, cook to be fed. it becomes a big hit with politicians.
open a bar in akron, ohio called trip where all the drinks are spiked with hallucinigens
market a line of animal-scented hygiene products:
- trout-scented hand wipes
- salmon-scented toilet paper
- bear-scented tampons
- octopus-scented mouthwash
- wet dog-scented shampoo
- sewage-scented garbage bags
market a vegan burger called the booger burger, made out of oats, mushrooms, and mucus
open a casual eatery called tater tots that only employs children dressed in potato costumes
develop a 3-in-1 brush: hairbrush, toothbrush, toilet brush "use it in any order that you wish!"
become a "monday morning nickleback" where you attend nickleback concerts then critique them the next day from the comfort of your easy chair, describing how they should have done it better
market a series of counterintuitive male health products:
- male hair loss shampoo that causes immediate permanent male pattern baldness
- erectile dysfunction product that renders men permanently unable to get a hard on
convince lego to release a series of famous disaster scenes for kids: challenger explosion, columbine shooting, jfk assassination, 911, etc.
adopt a strict diet to avoid non-existent unhealthy substances: flactonoids, gravinax, querfs, gastopoids, clazanoids, glubens, etc.
start a podcast called how's that working out for ya where you interview famous people and focus on their most notable failures
produce a gameshow called lemonade or piss? where contestants have to guess just by looking and must drink if they get it wrong
open a series of casual eateries all with forebodingly violent names:
- splatter effect
- chokehold
- the braining
- artery
- spatter pattern
- chopped to bits
- boiled!
- deep cuts
- windpipe
start a within-the-hour delivery service called delivery bassoon that delivers bassoons to people on short notice
open a fancy french restaurant called la trine
launch a gig service that lets people hire insects for short-term infestations: "termites within the hour"
publish a glossy lifestyle porn mag called minimum wage architectural digest that profiles the rented rooms of minimum-wage employees and another called bitter home and gardens that's filled with advice on how to live a life of domestic regret
start an interior design service that transforms new homes into rotting ruins. your team adds spider webs, rat bat mice infestation, peeling plaster, deep water stains, broken windows, dense creeping vines, and foundational instability. "give us a week and we'll age your home a hundred years." jack white is your first high-profile customer.
open an eatery called nothing burger that sells buns and lettuce with nothing else included
start telling strangers on the subway "you smell like a 17th-century whaling vessel"
market a high-tech line of self-consuming food products that consume themselves in the package within an hour after being scanned at the check out register, with customers rushing to eat them them before they self-consume
successfully lobby marvel comics to have mister rogers added the avengers roster
print up 10,000 t-shirts with the slogan "i don't wanna piss on a pirate"
produce a saturday morning kids cartoon called murder hobo, about a homicidal homeless man
greenlight a prank tv series call pool shitters where people try to get away with shitting in public pools to win cash prizes
open a gourmet ice cream parlor that insists on sprinkling decades-old dust on each serving
convince kraft foods to release a creamy salad dressing named garden spunk
market a health food product called albatross elixir
open a zoo in kalamazoo, michigan and call it kalamazoozoo
publish a series of ill-advised self-help books in the for dummies series:
- the dummies guide to prank calls
- the dummies guide to becoming an alcoholic
- the dummies guide to doxxing (with a new bonus section on twitter trolling)
- the dummies guide to masturbation
market a drink called artisanal couch water
start a food truck called eddie's wet hot twat chicken tent
form a north korean hip hop trio called run dmz and found north korea's first hip hop record label, pyongyang hill, releasing the smash 12" dance track defector's delight
go on a hunger strike to protest eating disorders
become a comedy life coach and help your clients make the tricky life transition from piss jokes to poop jokes
open a bar called the wet pecan
start whispering "your torpor is elegiac" to strangers who sit beside you in the subway
move to seattle and open a combo daycare/microbrewery
open a maximum security donut shop with barbed wire and razor fences surrounding the perimeter

mad heiress

dramatus personae