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1001 bad ideas for the new millennium


  1. open a store called sticky fingers where store employees are paid to pickpocket customers while they browse

  2. open a skydiving/birthing center where midwives deliver babies when the chute opens 

  3. become the first person to be sentenced to prison for never using emojis in your electronic communication. as the prosecution successfully argues: "over the years, he caused numerous co-workers, friends, and loved ones untold psychological damage. 'what exactly did he mean by that?' his victims were forced to ask themselves. time and time again, he broke the social covenant that binds an always-online society together. 

  4. release a health beverage called zero water - an empty bottle with zero amount of water or anything else inside, but the bottle is artisinalaf

  5. market a line of feces-based organic shampoos called shampoopoo

  6. start an online garbage delivery service called hello trash! where customers order weekly garbage bags of curated trash delivered to their door

  7. open a restaurant called biohazard where the wait staff all wear full hazmat suits

  8. launch a party service called dental rental where you rent dentists out for birthday parties. kids arrive expecting ice cream and cake and end up getting their teeth cleaned.

  9. produce a children's show for the era of kid's zoom calls called the teleconferencetubbies

  10. pitch the idea for a dinosaur/government bureaucratic farce sitcom called jurassic parks and recreation

  11. market a line of snack foods that are selectively misspelled:

  • barbara's chocolate chip cooties

  1. begin your stand-up comedy routine with the question "who here is gonna miss shitting and pissing when they die? raise your hand."

  2. launch a lifestyle website called trendshitter, where the writers are instructed to both ridicule and revere the influencers and products they cover

  3. insist on the benny hill theme song being played in an endless loop at your funeral

  4. greenlight an mtv reality show called cribs, where pregnant celebrities show off their designer baby cribs

  5. pitch a sopranos/lord of the rings mashup starring actor james gandalfini

  6. found a flight school that specializes in teaching kids under five how to fly helicopters. it's so successful that a decade later, 46% of all professional helicopter pilots are between the ages of 7-13.

  7. institute a series of bizarre judging criteria for popular events:

    • sat scores and gpas for swimsuit contests

    • mandatory limerick writing for teams competing in the superbowl, evaluated on humour and originality

    • an entire season of dancing with the stars where contestants are evaulated on how well they dance while wearing blocks of ice on their feet

    • all grammy award performers must include a kazoo solo in their performance

  8. pitch a movie called forest grump, about a misanthropic son of a bitch who shows up in all the key moments of 20th century american history

  9. start saying things when you're hungry, like "i could smersh the hell out of some pie right now"

  10. produce a reality game show called america's almost got talent

  11. start calling short skinny people "treble ninjas"

  12. greenlight a comedy mashup called leave it to beaver and butthead

  13. launch a food delivery service called sticky mule that delivers candied mule steaks

  14. open a restaurant called landfill, located in an actual landfill, where customers have to climb a hill of trash to get to the entrance

  15. market a hardcore feminist snack food called nut busters

  16. open a store called refund, where customers are required to bring products back for a refund within 30 days. if they don't, collection agents are dispatched to their home. then open another store called wrapper, that only sells boxes and wrappers of products, not the prodcuts themselves.

  17. market a line of smurfs-themed feminine hygiene products

  18. start using the invented chat acronym: lsmrn ("literally shitting myself right now") in as many text exchanges as you can

  19. start a meal selfie delivery service called selfie, which delivers thumbdrives of food selfies to people's homes

  20. pitch an idea for a reality show called toilet tasters, about depraved people who travel from gas station to gas station, licking the insides of their toilet bowls

  21. open a hippy eatery called compost, where the dishes are served on a bed of compost

  22. start a new social media trend: influencers posting selfies of themselves buried alive in a coffin

  23. convince hallmark to release the sassy, classy, and gassy line of friendship appreciation cards for that special flatulent friend in your life

  24. open a bar called locker room where all the drinks are made with alcohol-infused gatorade and everyone must strip down and only wear a towel

  25. try to popularize a new type of women's aerobics called quackercise, where they make loud quacking sounds while waddling around

  26. open a discount store called smash n' grab whose logo shows someone throwing a brick through storefront glass

  27. open a restaraunt called our call, where the waitstaff order for the customers based on the first impression of their personality

  28. insist on carrying your emotional support shark with you onto the plane

  29. open a restaurant called musical chairs, where customers must quickly switch seats at random tables when the maitre d’ randomly blows a whistle, and must eat whatever is on the plate at where they now sit. 

  30. market a line of perfumes with bizarre names: 

    • silence in the library​

    • boy and blade

    • little lamb lost its way

    • robot holiday

  31. open a bakery called the tart fart, where farting is encouraged

  32. open a hong kong phooey-themed pizza parlor where the waitstaff is encourage to randomly karate chop customers

  33. launch a softcore porn site for necrophiliacs called horizontal heartthrobs

  34. form a band called spoiler alert! where the lyrics to all your songs give away the endings of contemporary books, movies, and tv shows

  35. replace all hour values with the names of dead presidents, so when someone asks you what time it is, reply with things like "it's half past jackson"

  36. market a line of cayenne pepper/sandpaper kleenex

  37. found an outdoor music festival called the shuddershit music fest - combination of hardcore horror bands and lots of laxative-laced foods for sale, with only a single porta potty 

  38. develop a gated suburban community named breezy twat estates

  39. introduce jello wrestling as a legitimate college sport

  40. start a monthly prank phone call service where customers can have the business prank call the people of their choice

  41. start a company called toilet testers inc, where strangers come to your home to use your toilet, then rate it on a yelp! style site

  42. launch a service that reunites bullies with their grade school victims: "helping you relive the daily cycle of violence and intimidation

  43. rent-a-dentist: hire a dentist to shadow you when you brush each morning, where they evaluate your technique and remind you to floss

  44. start a service called wipe me, for the otherwise healthy who are too lazy to wipe their own ass. text them 20 min ahead of time and they'll send somone over to wipe you.

  45. pitch a weekend newspaper cartoon series called bijou bourgie, about the misadventures of a vapid social media influencer 

  46. market a line of cabbage-flavored mouthwash

  47. become mayor of your town and institute a townwide holiday called push a stranger day, where people can push people they don't know when they encounter them on the street

  48. open an urgent care service called in no rush ("we're gonna take our sweet time getting to you"), a daycare called caligula daycare, and a dating site called you'll do for now (swipe "meh")

  49. open a southern styled diner in the heart of brooklyn, where you serve dishes with names like country-fried lump

  50. form an elite navy seal team that dresses exclusively in early 80s aerobic spandex and leg warmers

  51. open a hybrid gym/ice-cream parlor called yin yang

  52. open a roadside diner whose sign outside reads "eat kids free"

  53. start a service called trouble bunny, for those times a person wants 500 rabbits placed in someone's home while they are away

  54. submit a proposal to retrofit the remaining telephone booths across the usa into wanking booths, where people pay $5 for a 5-minute session to fap one out behind closed doors. "step right in, close the door, drop trou, and let it all out on the floor."

  55. open a restaurant called fake news where the waitstaff all lie to you and the menu is full of misinformation

  56. convince reader's digest to begin a monthly installment called online drama in real life, which recounts the gripping true stories of petty online squabbles

  57. open a restaraunt called hiccup!, where anyone who gets the hiccups while eating there eats free 

  58. market a camping product called poop blanket, which is a blanket that's been soaked in piss and feces for 2 year

  59. open an ice cream parlor where all the flavors are both named after and laced with prescription drugs, then launch a line of anti-depressent microwave meals where prescription medication is a key ingredient

  60. start a line of horrible cereals: oat pussers, whiskey-o's, #metoolovesgranola, 

  61. open a bar called atlantis that only serves fish-infused drinks

  62. start an investment company called monkey business where trained monkeys handle all the daily financials

  63. open a diner called mo's crapper where all patrons are seated inside bathroom stalls

  64. open a restaurant called stfu where speaking is prohibited

  65. open a car called rub one out that caters to onanists. patrons are advised to wear raincoats.

  66. open a restaurant called sis boom ra! where all the waitstaff are cheerleaders. they form a human pyramid by your table when they take your order, and cheerlead shout the daily specials and your order back to you, punctuating it with things like "let's go let's go gooooooo team!" 

  67. start selling bags of your own feces under the label of "healing clay"

  68. convince your local newspaper to start printing obituaries for people's cellphones and laptops that die

  69. start a publishing company that publishes the memoirs of people who spend their lives watching tv and playing video games

  70. start a fleet of delivery drones tasked with the autonomous delivery of dirty limericks anonymously to people 

  71. start asking strangers on the street "what do you think of the anus as a whole?"

  72. market a line of sugar-coated dental floss, chocolate-flavored mouthwash, and cheeto-flavored toothpaste for kids

  73. market a cousin of the fat suit called the fart suit, for people who want to be far more flatulent than they really are

  74. develop a line of ethically made vegan/hemp laptops and tablets that users must peal in place to generate power to use

  75. launch a historical revisionist push to portray lyndon baines johnson as america's first queer-friendly president. produce a documentary called lbjgqt and create a poster with lbj's face colored in the lgbt rainbow color scheme.

  76. convince hollywood to make another sequel to independence day: homecoming, this one called interdependence day, where the aliens and the humans have to work together to combat global warming. in a plot twist, the aliens of exiled citizens of long-lost atlantis, returned to earth after their million-year diaspora. "we're in this thing together" - bill pullman

  77. start a delivery service that delivers lead-based paint to people's homes

  78. launch a kickstarter campaign to rename the international space station from i.s.s. to i.s.i.s.

  79. popularize a new mindfulness lifestyle movement called "the slow greeting movement" where people drastically slow down their speech when greeting someone. a single "hello" takes upwards of 2 minutes to pronounce. mindfulness gurus champion it as being part of the antidote to our hectic, always online lifestyle. tik tok becomes filled with videos of influencers showing off their new slow greeting styles. then follow that up with "the slow shitting movement" that espouses the 2-hour shit. gwtneth paltrow devotes an episode of her goop podcast to slow shitting, with a webinar where her and her users share bathroom cam feeds of them all taking a 90-min dump. "the most authentic shit i've ever taken!" "wiping afterward felt like a celebration of self" "smooth and long, just like it should" are among the testimonials.

  80. publish a glossy canine fashion magazine called doggy style

  81. start posting weird things on craigslist:

    • for sale: 500 baskets of gently used water​

    • wanted: two dozen hovedrivers with extra stencil spikes

    • emotionless blues band seeks catatonic lap steel player

    • quality derives, still in original wrapper, $500 firm

  82. start complimenting strangers on their "industry smell"

  83. open a trauma therapy clinic named save the drama for your mama

  84. publish a cookbook that features recipes where similarly spelled clothing items are substituted for food:

  • bandana muffins​

  • balaclava

  1. form a theremin-based country and western band

  2. convince the smithsonian to begin selling freeze-dried astronaut shit in their gift shop. "just don't mistake it for the freeze-dried astronaut ice cream!" is the marketing slogan.

  3. produce a surrealist version of jeopardy with challenges like "eight-legged word for snow: ______"

  4. start a newspaper advice column called ask a woke work friend, where all the answers manage to circle back to white supremacist culture, even if the question is about keeping the sink clean or using a co-worker's coffee mug

  5. pitch an ideology/fashion makeover show to vh1: qanon eye for the liberal guy. "from hemp to camo in two weeks"

  6. make it your life's mission to combine as many cliches as possible in daily conversation: 

    • "he's grasping at straws that broke the camel's back"​

    • "give him an inch and he'll walk a mile in another man's shoes"

  7. open a clothing store called skidmarks that only sells used underwear

  8. market a brand of sexy seafood: strap-on salmon. "hold onto something, it's gonna be a wild ride"

  9. pitch a sexy crime show to fox called better ball saul

  10. open a packing store that includes among its services letting customers pay by the hour to stand in a corner and pop rolls of bubble wrap

  11. publish a relationship advice book with the title men are from mars, women are from kandahar province

  12. become a pro-facism rapper named lil' duterte

  13. start a charity program for kids called turds for tots, where rich people send kids their gift-wrapped gold-flecked turds at christmas time

  14. publish a recipe book of garbage-based foods: cranberry trash muffians, sewage al dente, etc

  15. start a private space company with the sole purpose of spreading covid to other planets

  16. convince the girl scouts to start selling cannabis-laced cookies

  17. open a hip chain of "seefood" restaurants where diners may only look at the pictures of the food they order. it becomes a huge hit with influencers, breatharians, anorexics, food selfie curators, and celebrities. claim to offer electrolyte-infused air filtration that imbues patrons with "an almost subliminal level of nutritional satiation."

  18. market a line of scratch and sniff feminine products

  19. teach an exercise class at senior centers and morgues called extremely low-impact aerobics for the catatonic and the dead

  20. open a store called sweatshop, that sells the bottled sweat of celebrities: the yeezy raquetball sweat line, etc.

  21. become an international news reporter while still believing that the term sectarian violence refers to secretaries fighting

  22. convince rupaul to host a fashion makeover show called queer eye for the qanon guy

  23. get a job as a stand-in funeral attendee, attending on behalf of people who don't want to go

  24. start a support group for parents worried their children aren't watching enough tv

  25. usher in the trend of alcholic salads, covered in spiked salad dressings, and open an eatery called salad bar where patrons leave shit faced after a single salad

  26. found a poetry festival called the shark attack poetry festival, with a ludicrously generous cash prize such that the world's best poets grudingly try their hand at writing poems about shark attacks

  27. market a snack food named butterscortch thrizzle

  28. form a sub-minimum wage electro duo called the sweatshop boys

  29. develop a late night talkshow called eyeball to eyeball with cosmo twerkwood, where the host and guest have their faces pressed together nose to nose for the entire interview

  30. convince hallmark to release a line of salty "i'd rather eat shit" rsvp cards

  31. convince five of the most taciturn people you know to join you on a two-week road trip

  32. open a thrift shop in hollywood called unsalvageable where you sell the most beat to shit clothing imaginable. a few hip celebs and influencers start posting selfies wearing your stuff and soon fashionistas are trying to outdo one another in how derelict they appear. coachella that year resembles an assembly of flea-bitten bums.

  33. open a restaurant called dog day afternoon that serves pets before people, frequently getting the orders mixed up and serving dog food to people

  34. start using the phrase "then the terrorists have won" as a way of browbeating people into doing what you want:

    • "if you don't loan me that $50, then the terrorists have won"​

    • "if you don't give me head, then the terrorists have won"

  35. begin updating your linkedin with absurdly inappropriate job titles that don't exist, making yourself singularly unpalatable to hiring managers:

    • strip club stenographer at big daddy's gentleman's club

    • fortnite tutor for k-12 students

    • ghost writer for rodrigo duterte's memoirs

    • professional harvey weinstein impersonator

    • currently on a three year "manchild" sabbatical where you are devoting yourself to raising your video game scores

    • animal ventriloquist

    • owner of a boutique landscaping business that specializes in giving facelifts to lawn gnomes

    • drug czar

  36. open a used underwear store called skidmarks

  37. institute a national holiday called switcheroo, where all binary relationships must be reversed: parents and children, teachers and students, cops and criminals, bosses and employees, owners and pets, husbands and wives, etc. it's only a two-day holiday but the country spends months repairing and recovering from the damage and chaos.

  38. open an edgy eatery called projectile, where servers fling the dishes at patrons, who are given a catcher's glove when they're seated

  39. start your own business as a hipster divorce photographer, where you take trendy filtered photos of tatted hipster couples getting divorces in rustic natural locations like in the middle of fields or on cliffs overlooking the ocean. name your business untie the knot photography and give gushing virtue-signalling interviews for social media about the beauty and authenticity of helping your clients "rediscover their unique selves while helping them practice mindfulness and self-care."

  40. start referring to all the women you know as "baby-hatching apparatus"

  41. launch a whodunit? cruise ship called the agatha christie, where on each cruise one passenger is chosen at random to be murdered and another is chosen to be the killer, with the ship's resident detective tasked with solving the murder while the cruise is still in progress. despite the mortal risk, passengers continue to eagerly sign up.

  42. open an artisanal roadkill eatery called pith & possum

  43. market a line of untested natural health products that have unexpected side effects, call it nature's mutiny and create ads that show moss and fungi sprouting from people's skin

  44. start referring to all wealthy young adults as "bitcoin douchebags"

  45. become an undergrad poetry professor at a small liberal arts college and publish a poetry collection called kiss me where the sun don't shine: collected poems

  46. market a product called trump extract that promises to give users the brazenly powerful chutzpah of donald trump. the small print states "while we cannot guarantee our product will grant you success in your endeavors, it will turn heads when family, friends, and co-workers notice your balls-out, take-charge new attitude"

  47. move to berkely, ca, change your name to blazes o'moynahan and model your look after the archetype of a 19th-century boxer, while challenging the townsfolk to public boxing matches

  48. publish a cookbook of recipes for outer space debris titled fell to earth. recipes include fried comet and cajun-blackened satellite.

  49. marry a person largely on the basis of their twitter feed, then divorce them on the basis of their instagram feed

  50. convince the ceo of hooter's to help bankroll a private manned mission to mars under the condition that the first inhabitable structure on the planet is a hooter's restaurant

  51. name your first child leviathan 1.0

  52. spend five years of your life taking photos of every public bathroom stall in america, then publish the highlights in a coffee table photobook called shitter: the hidden heart and soul of america

  53. market a line of hp lovecraft-inspired sex toys: the deep deep deep ones, cthulube, etc

  54. spend a month where you only speak in the russian-influenced argot nadsat as popularized in the burgess novel a clockwork orange: "viddy viddy kino snatch, my droogies?" and so on

  55. convince acclaimed documentary filmmaker errol morris to make a documentary about the teletubbies, which damages his credibility among film critics. he never forgives you and in later years states, "i must have taken leave of my senses."

  56. quit your job and take out a loan to open a rustic b&b called queef creek lodge

  57. form a beatles cover band but try to pass the material off as being originals: "here's a little number we wrote last week. our first time tonight playing it before a live audience. it's called 'i wanna hold your hand'"

  58. in an ill-advised, tone-deaf attempt to help america heal its divisions, form a band called fine people on both sides and write songs with titles like "we love you. you are very special."

  59. get a job writing ad copy for sex toys in a language that you barely understand: "the pocketed cat toy is very suitable for male masturbation. some sexual desires can not been released for a long time, it is undoubtedly a good choice. it helps your gland stay active and strong. you are more for outstanding in the reality shows with your partner, and also can to let your hands totally free."

  60. open a surgery clinic that specializes in transforming patients into their favorite tv character. the lawsuits begin almost immediately.

  61. market a line of "science is for democrats" bumper stickers, causing confusion among the left and the right as to what side they are supporting when they put them on their car

  62. convince oneamericanewsnetwork and npr to team up on fund drives

  63. annoy those around you by asking them riddles that you make up on the spot and that have no answers: "when is a duck not a duck?" and so on. after a few days of this, people stop listening to you

  64. market a line of potpourri-scented toilet plungers

  65. convince radiohead to let you open for them for their first post-covid concert and spend your entire set reading aloud your boba fett fan fiction

  66. spend a decade of your life composing nursery rhymes that sound like a nest of angry bees

  67. become head of product development for crayon and convince them to introduce two new color options: used car orange and dirty needle brown

  68. adopt a series of increasingly elaborate facial tics simply out of boredom

  69. form a right-wing 80s hair metal band called quiet capitol riot and name your beach house führer's roost

  70. open a franchise of bull fighting summer camps for kids in america's most liberal cities

  71. open a gym where chocolate cake is served in all cycling classes

  72. convince martin scorsese to direct an animated pokemon sex comedy

  73. move to australia and become a militant woke boxer named knuckles queerbrow

  74. convince nasa to fund you billions of dollars to build a series of early warning detection stations around the world to detect incoming farts before they occur. in your pitch, you somehow convinced the right people that one day "the big one" could hit, rendering life on earth "uninhabitable for centuries."

  75. run for potus on the platform of putting a preservation hall jazz band in every garage or spare room. "no american tax paying family shall do without!"

  76. manage a punk band of angry short janitors called knee-high custodial fist

  77. declare to your team during a tuesday morning meeting that today is "taco titty tuesday" as you lift your shirt, where flattened tacos are crammed into your bra

  78. quit your job, move to hollywood, and pitch a gonzo reality prank show called christ, i hope it's not poop

  79. convince u2 to change their name to #youtoo

  80. form an 80's supergroup amalgam called the wrecking 2 live motley crew

  81. market a line of frigid/unpleasant sex toys:

    • the chastity box

    • the icicle glove

    • the not tonight dear, i have a headache

    • the obligatory marital birthday handjob ("sighs and looks at its watch if you take longer than two minutes to finish")

  82. launch an erotic version of linkedin called kinkedin  "where the sexed up go to further their careers"

  83. become editor of playboy magazine and commission woke pictorials like the women of #blm and the women of #metoo

  84. develop a tv series that is a scatologically-minded reboot of the office called the orifice

  85. form a "coffee and syphilis" meetup group just for kicks to see who signs up

  86. form an all-star band of covid-positive rock stars called superspreader

  87. a sky diving school for narcoleptics

  88. become a white supremacist dj called 2proudboy and play republican events where you sample speeches from the likes of hitler, david dukes, richard spencer, and mussolini and set them to a beat

  89. begin self identifying as a ufo and insist that your employer and the government recognize you as such

  90. open a butcher shop called lopped off, with the store sign showing a bloody meat cleaver

  91. open a chain of grocery stores for preteens called harris tweener

  92. an alvin & the chipmunks themed episode of american idol

  93. market a line of artisanal meat-infused water drinks: sausage springs life water

  94. sell a line of beers called dark mushroom, with the slogan "fancy a bit of the fungi?"

  95. market a line of lingerie for corpses called coffin panties

  96. become a burlesque performer named dita von taze who electrocutes her audience

  97. market an ambiguous sandwich called country honk to truckstops and gas stations

  98. form a polite white yacht funk band called van ordinaire and the meretricious dongs

  99. make it your life's work to stage a noh theater adaptation of the latest baywatch movie

  100. try to convince people that there is such a thing as the endangered feces act

  101. market a line of lgbtq+-themed handguns and rifles

  102. begin posting non-sensical notification signs in outdoor public areas:
    "no shalegagging allowed"​
    "absolutely no mock turtles beyond this point!"
    "sorry, fresh out of bunnyvale thrizzlerifters"

  103. develop a line of emojis that depict the facial expressions of nerve gas attack victims

  104. launch a tiktok channel for morticians called death streaming

  105. make a tape loop of a baby crying then play it loudly on repeat on a boombox. put the boombox in a filthy dumpster and film people as they climb in to "rescue the baby," then upload the vids to youtube.

  106. develop the habit of saying things like this on first dates:
    "imagine if the nazis had had instagram"
    "guess how long i was breast fed as a child!"
    "after dinner, would you show me your vestigial tail?"

  107. open a vice summer camp for kids, an intensive 8-week long camp where skills like cyberbullying, porn downloading, underage drinking, vandalism, and drug use are taught. proudly proclaim your "success rate" of 94% of camp graduates who end up in juvie within 6 months of graduation.

  108. write a coming of age children's memoir with lines like "In 3rd grade, I liked funyuns so much I would have eaten them straight out of satan's asshole"

  109. market a line of caramel mucus hard candies called throat butter. marketing slogan: "you coughed it up. we wrapped it in a sweet hard sugar shell and sold it right back to you."

  110. market a snack food called fruited wombat clusters

  111. start saying things like "it's 2021 and i'm totally racist against racism" in the hopes of ingratiating yourself among young people

  112. become an influential food critic and convince people that skunk sauce is going to be the next big thing

  113. on a whim, fly to haiti and attempt to install yourself as interim president

  114. record a remake of the allman brothers band classic eat a peach but reimagined for a meaner america. call it eat a dick.

  115. convince radiohead and u2 to play a series of concerts together with the catch that each band performs the other's songs

  116. become a senior manager at hallmark and convince them to market a line of "it's your own damn fault" sympathy cards to unvaccinated victims of covid

  117. open an embalming summer camp for kids

  118. buy a german sheppard and name it götterdämmerung

  119. market an ambiguous luxury product called ultra gold: pure shit

  120. market a line of gourmet ice cream named after bowel movements:

    • chocolate triple flush slush​

    • corn floaters

    • coiled cranky anaconda

    • dank dark broth

  121. market a line of gourmet seasonings called fried gorgon paste

  122. mcdonald's markets a line of workplace sexual harassment happy meals, called the #metoomeal. they come with plastic action figures of harvey weinstein and rose mcgowan, so kids can have them battle it out while eating. 

  123. develop a puzzle toy called rubik's pubes, where you try to untangle a thick patch of elderly pubic hair, six shades of grey

  124. produce a mean-spirited children's prank show called stomp conkers, where mean kids take delight in fucking people up

  125. start a faux lifestyle magazine called trundled, where the focus is on beautiful photos of rickety distressed wheeled furniture

  126. self-publish an illustrated children's book promoting female circumcision called sally's snip

  127. market an energy drink for virile rednecks called guzzle gizzard

  128. market a gourmet beverage called aquarium broth "now with 14% more fish piss"

  129. convince great thunberg to record a cover of madonna's "vogue" rewritten around themes of environmental collapse. the video shows her modeling a variety of burlap sacks and ragamuffin outfits, standing in the middle of flooded city streets or arid deserts, doing a variety of dance moves that involve wagging her finger sternly at the viewer. 

  130. develop a brand of condoms for necrophiliacs called corpse ticklers. tagline: "they won't even know the difference"

  131. convince weird al jankovic to do a cover of madonna's papa don't preach but make it be about the dangers of piracy and file sharing: "papa don't leech, i'm in trouble deep. but i made up my mind and i'm keeping my downloads. gonna keep my downloads."

  132. come to work on your first day as a 6th grade teacher wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "my boyfriend's wife hates me"

  133. spend millions developing and marketing a gourmet condiment called culpepper's armpit sauce

  134. popularize a new workout trend: fog jogging. people running in near zero visibility conditions, colliding with lampposts, trash cans, and one another. market a line of grey workout clothes that make it even harder to be seen, further increasing the chance of collisions with others.

  135. the next time a co-worker casually asks you how you're doing, reply with "i'm festooned with hot doomswaddle and victory snot. how 'bout you?"

  136. open a fast food restaurant called michael stipe's, where all the meal names and descriptions are written in an unintelligble mumble. one marketing slogan would be "pretty sure it's vegan" and playing in a band would be one requirement for employment.

  137. publish a children's book franchise called limony snicket and act surprised when you are sued

  138. prank stores by putting signs in places the cashier won't notice that read "thank you for shoplifting with us today"

  139. in line at the grocery store, start accusing the guy in front of you of impregnating sharks

  140. attempt to convince people that "pissing white woman syndrome," where the media devotes extensive coverage when a white woman urinates in public, while ignoring the same behavior from people of color, is a thing and should be called out

  141. spend a month of your life replying to every single spam email you get, clicking every link, and signing up for every service

  142. convince wes anderson to direct a series of vomcoms: comedies that feature a lot of scenes of people throwing up

  143. develop a line of cabbage-scented air freshener products called just one whiff

  144. start readying ulysses to your kids as a bedtime story

  145. begin giving your co-workers bizarre, unflattering nicknames:

    • teddy "sewer apples" jackson

    • susan "bird tooth" jones

    • mike "you fucking people make me sick" davis

    • donny "viral cryworker" perkins

    • molly "divorce oil" bloom

    • trip "pancake cocaine bridge" sweeney

    • robert "fellatio turtle" welliver

    • benji "soccer mump" sanford

    • trixie "plantation selfie" partridge

    • brad "el dorado athletic cup" perkins

    • ethan "gob ringer" st. john 

    • stevie "plumber crack" nicks

    • elizabeth "waddlecomb" miller

    • ansel "rumble pants" nunez

    • grover "cheese teeth" wayland

    • jonathan "shiny batchain puller" jackson

    • tobiath "nose taster" wilcox

    • pete "dusty underwear pebbles" bateman

    • christy "pop culture hellscape" abbot

    • stanley "buttock peaches" lowery

    • frank "fingersauce" williams

    • enid "guacamole eyes" barrington

    • john "my lungs are obsolete" peterson

    • pete "molasses face" von blondie

    • richard "sugar britches" jackson

    • deacon "panywaist" o'dell

    • pappy "stonkclaw" lerouyx

    • oscar "puss britches" stalingrad

    • brittany "auschwitz selfie" gordon

  146. found a charter school where each class has an appointed class clown: a student chosen at the random on the first day, who must wear a clown costume while in class for the entire year​

  147. market a sex product for nerds called rubik's lube

  148. release an album of old timey murder ballads called i'm not the killing kind

  149. become ceo of hallmark's and convince them to release a line of greeting cards celebrating the deaths of unvaccinated republicans. sample card: ain't darwin's law a bitch?

  150. somehow convince mcdonald's to release a shakespeare-themed meal called the mcbeth

  151. convince npr to begin broadcasting a game show called wait, wait, don't cancel me! where celebrity contestants try to backpedal on culturally insensitive tweets they've made, and the audience votes on whether or not to culturally cancel them

  152. greenlight two mime-centric crime shows: msi: mime scene investigations and mimeami vice

  153. open a flower store that specializes in "reparation bouquets" for unconscionable acts and violent crimes. popular bouquets include:

  • "my bad for the dui hit and run" tulip arrangement

  • "so sorry about the home invasion/aggravated assault" rose assortment

  • "sincere apologies for 370 years of slavery" spring arrangement

  • "on behalf of the board, our company's heartfelt apologies for poisoning your community's water supply" 

  1. found a meditation group where the focus is on complaining and meditating on personal grievances

  2. start a new online trend of people replacing their middle names with celebrity names: 

  • peter brad pitt wilcox

  • buddy david foster wallace sanchez

  • sergio jennifer aniston porter

  1. open a social club called club catheter, with the marketing line "where relief is always at hand"​

  2. release an album of star wars-themed jazz standards: the droid from ipanema, deathstars fell on alabama, stella by deathstar light

  3. produce a tv gameshow where contestants have to guess what food a person ate by the smell of their farts. special odor-enabled tv enhancements are available for purchase by the home viewing audience.

  4. open the museum of farts, with scratch and sniff panels and listening booths, and a global mapping that describes how farts differ from culture to culture and over the centuries

  5. mortage your house to fund the production of claymation porno films

  6. market a line of relaxation candles called the guantanamo collection

  7. develop a line of fart-scented potpourri called the smelt it>dealt it collection

  8. become a game show producer and risk your career with the production of a game show where contestants try to correctly guess the food a person ate by the odor of their farts. for the home viewing audiences, scent misting devices can be purchased that attach to the tv, enabling them to guess as well.

  9. convince disney to unveil a new ride called fart mountain, where ride goers ride in carts in the shape of beans and pass through clouds of noxious sulphuric gas and get jostled by immense rumbles

  10. start calling your boss "big softy" behind their back

  11. develop a new strain of flowers that smell like farts, then convince flower stores to sell arrangements of them: the sbd collection. people begin buying them to send them to people they dislike.

  12. write a country western pop song about the unowned self-loathing of the midwestern american male called take a dump on me

  13. produce a teen sex comedy about the erotic misuse of kitchen cookware called american pyrex

  14. reboot the girls gone wild franchise but have it be footage of girls reverted to a feral, tribal lord of the flies state, all savagery and primitivism as they wreak havoc across the abandoned strip malls of america

  15. launch a lovecraftian porn site called

  16. publish a book called the wisdom of right-wing crowds that is nothing but blank pages

  17. convince amazon to stock adolf hitler's mein kampf and list it in the christian books and bibles section

  18. open a boutique store called arms and ears, which specializes in fancy accessories only for arms and ears, and then open a spinoff store called big toe

  19. hang out in singles bars and say things like "i love it when rape becomes consensual" to people you've just met

  20. convince the editors of the chicago manual of style to include a section on emoji usage

  21. convince netflix to offer a special "hate watching" subscription plan where its algorithm recommends shows that it determines you will hate, and you pay a lower monthly fee if you binge watch the programs in 8-hour stretches and leave scathing reviews

  22. start telling young people "the bitcoin stops here" when you want to sound like you're running the show

  23. found an architectural firm whose stated goal is designing homes that slowly instill madness in their occupants. call it eldritch builders and market yourselves as such. immediately attract "edgy" high-profile clients like trent reznor and marilyn manson. cite the suicide rate increase in long-term occupants of your homes. 

  24. convince the john deere company to introduce a jurrassic park-themed farm vehicle: the velocitractor

  25. develop a line of fungi-filled lunch products for kids called fungibles. "puts the fun in fungus!"

  26. convince your wife she suffers from a rare form of sleep sickness called sleep twerking, where she sleep twerks in the middle of the night

  27. open a craft beer brewery where all the beers are named after serial killers

  28. convince the heinz company to release a product called heinz 69 sauce, where the bottle has a nozzle at both ends

  29. convince dodge to name its next truck the dodge phallus and produce a commercial that's footage of the truck mixed with a montage of guns, red meat, american flags, and erect phalluses

  30. convince hasbro to market a wind-up doll zen monk action figure that does nothing when you wind it up, as well as a social justice warrior to their line of g.i. joe action figures

  31. open a tattoo parlor that specializes in sub-dermal tattoos

  32. open a flower store that specializes in schadenfreude bouquets. customers send the it couldn't happen to a nicer person arrangement when they wish to celebrate the misfortune of someone they dislike. 

  33. start a company that provides cosplay services to household pets: the harry potter housecat, the star wars chihuahua

  34. devote your entire life to trying to popularize bizarre meaningless times of the day you've made up:

    • half past jackson​

    • schweefifteen

    • tremorous o'clock

  35. open a library that only stocks tragic literature and call it the crybrary

  36. open a styling salon called armpit where the speciality is the styling of armpit hair. it catches on and attractive instagram-ready women begin growing their armpit hair so they can style it in increasingly elaborate ways.

  37. open a pet store called vermin where the specialty is selling fleas, ticks, lice, and bedbugs as adoptable pets

  38. write a children's book about a blind seeing eye dog that is constantly leading its owner into hazardous situations: clifford the big blind seeing eye dog, then write another about a ghost that's addicted to social media: casper the friend me ghost

  39. plan several festivals that are perversly ill-advised: 

    • the eruption music festival, held directly below an active volcano​

    • methane fest 2022, which celebrates global warming. thousands of cows are shipped the event.

    • cancel fest 2022, where those who've been notably culturally cancelled gather to party down and collectively celebrate their newfound cultural irrelevance

  40. convince george lucas to allow you to use the star wars license in making your live action star wars film where all the actors are turtles​

  41. convince disney to release a nine hour art movie called dortmunder shaves his pubes

  42. open a restaurant called spilled milk, where all the waitstaff is exceedingly clumsy. you soon attract a customer base of people who thrive on chaos. 

  43. attempt to popularize the trend of "used food" - food that hasn't already been eaten per se, but has been kicked around a bit and rendered little worse for wear:

    • used ice cream that's melted a little bit, been swirled around in a bowl, then put back inside the container

    • used potato chips that have been taken out of the bag and had much of the surface seasonings stuck to someone's fingers, then put back into the bag

    • used pasta that's been rolled around already on someone's fork

    • used sushi, where a few pieces are slightly mangled from having been handled by someone who couldn't use chopsticks

  44. convince ralph lauren to release a line of dorito's scented men's cologne and ben & jerry's to release a flavor of cannabis ice cream called munchy madness

  45. get a job writing clickbait that relies upon reader knowledge of 14th-century eastern mystics

  46. become an albino whitney houston impersonator and call yourself whitey houston

  47. attempt to popularize the practice of adopting "rescue" scorpions

  48. open a porcupine petting zoo

  49. convince the producers of american idol to devote an entire season to mime performances

  50. form an incompetent bangles cover band called the bungles

  51. start pranking bird watchers by flying a drone around that looks like an extinct bird 

  52. convince daniel day lewis to star in a movie about jewish rappers fighting nazis, called the beastie boys from brazil

  53. try to popularize the halloween trend of haunted whorehouses

  54. form an incompetent bangles cover band called the bungles, then form a dyslexic go-go's cover band called the og-og's

  55. create a feminist comic book hero called the cunted emasuclator

  56. greenlight a kid's prank tv show called fart factory

  57. open a surrealist restaurant and serve absurdist dishes:

    • venusian quarrel fish​

    • pancake peacock gobble pie

    • exquisite toasted corpse

    • spinach wasp omlette

    • fudge parmesan totems

    • moth dumplings

    • tantric whiskey sprouts

    • caramelized fossil 

    • burlap bag of candied licorice lump

  58. next time you visit your doctor, ask with a straight face if unimpeded sperm floats to the moon​

  59. tell everyone you meet that you're a plagarian, one who only reads plagarized works, and open plagarist press, which only publishes authors who are known plagarists

  60. open an eatery called hangdog sandwich co, where all the employees and even the food look harragd and down on their luck

  61. open a drive-through bank that also accepts fecal deposits, storing them in vacuum-sealed safe boxes. "and would you like this nutty steaming pantload deposited in your checking or savings account today, mrs jones?" follow that up by creating a new form of fecal-centric global curency: shitcoin.

  62. market a line of aggressive animatronic toy animals called grrranimals, which randomly attack whoever is playing with them.

  63. start calling every man you meet "lemon boy" and mime like you're sucking on a lemon when you say it

  64. open a lotr-themed sex shop called golem's hard on

  65. for the grand re-opening of your restaurant, design a huge banner that reads "no more brown sludge!"

  66. open a sex club called the horny robot, where sex bots go to be pleasured by humans

  67. start using the word "jason" as a verb, with no explanation of what it means: "we'll ask them to jason in some changes before it goes live" etc

  68. teach a power of positive thinking workshop where you use ghengis khan as your rolde model. pronounce his last name "can" can call it the ghengis khan course in positive miracles and crushing your goals.

  69. publish a medical coloring book for kids called when sepsis sets in

  70. open a heavy petting zoo where people get very friendly with the animals indeed

  71. open a speed dating service that lives up to its name, putting clients in downhill slaloms or top-flight race cars, or simply hopping them up on crank so they're talking 1,000 words a minute, then seeing if they can hit it off

  72. begin crashing the weddings of strangers, where you shout "i have serious concerns!" when the preacher finishes saying "speak now or forever hold your peace" then invent some highly believable reason on the spot

  73. release a brand of oppressive eastern european inspired liquors called kafka spirits, with names like penal colony and metamorphosis ("drink too much of this and you'll feel like a beetle on its back"

  74. market skunks as pets using the claim that they'll act as a portable fart camouflager to those who suffer excessive flatulence. "no one will ever suspect it's you when there's a skunk by your side"

  75. market a snack food called juvies, with juvenille felons appearing in your ads and on the packaging. part of the profits go toward building more juvenile detention centers.

  76. convince investors that the public is ready for pelican-based snack foods and lunches: pelican thins, pelican broth, etc.

  77. start a pest-removal service that comes to your neighborhood and descretly rids the neighborhood of any excessivly annoying neighbors

  78. open a frozen yogurt place where the yogurt is frozen into thick blocks of ice, and customers must chisel away to extract their order

  79. open a moving company where the movers show up and recite tragic or romantic monologues or theater scenes, bringing customers to tears. when they ask why you're not moving their belongings, reply "oh we're here to emotionally move you. that's what you wanted, right?"

  80. open a gas station where the attendants come to your car, fart into your open window, and then stroll away

  81. open a pet store where customers can only pet the animals, not take them home

  82. open a clothing store called hymn and her that only sells embroidered hymnals for women

  83. convince conde naste to publish a magazine called counter culture, where each month trendy edgy art types discuss the latest in kitchen counters

  84. open an eatery for nervous eaters called gnaw

  85. open a restaurant called parrot, where patrons must have a 10-minute conversation with the parrot of their choice before the chef prepares it for them

  86. design an architecture that changes based on mood so that anyone can tell what kind of mood you're in just by looking at your house

  87. create a new folklore character - a feral holiday prankster named humpty dumptart

  88. convince the travel channel to produce a prank travel show called perfuming the air with charlie, about two misanthropic drifters who go into fancy shops and restaurants and rip massive silent farts, while the hidden camera film the reactions of those around them

  89. organize a softball team of perpetually constipated midgets named the hershey squirts

  90. open a mime cafe called jacque's where there are no menus and diners must intuit what each dish is based on the mime waiter's visual depiction

  91. develop a hybrid neti pot/chamber pot

  92. convince lego and viagra to collaborate on the erector set toy assortment

  93. start nicknaming people who talk a lot "tattle panties"

  94. start a curated at-home meal delivery service for bulimics called upchuck

  95. market a line of vladimir putin barbie dolls

  96. try to kick off the trend in microscopic eateries: "small eating for small people"

  97. market a line of urine-filled hard candy called tangy urine blasters: hard wax candy with a teaspoon of tangy piss inside. "bite down and go 'waaaaah!'" is the slogan.

  98. found a company devoted to solving problems that don't exist, your slogan being "solutions in search of problems"

  99. open a restaurant called eccentricities that only hires clinically insane chefs and waitstaff, and encourage them to be themselves

  100. hire an especially obnoxious group of 13-year old boys to design a theme park, with rides like the titty twister and the nut tapper

  101. open an absurdist restaurant called peter's wholly inappropriate roadhouse eatery, and serve things like:

  • another man's burger: we bring out our best made-to-order burger, but as soon as we serve it to the guy who ordered it, we tell him "psyche!" and bring it over to you instead. you won't know what's in it, but you can bet that the results are gonna be spicy!

  • rejected catch of the day: a seafood dish of our choice, one that's been returned to the kitchen by another diner for being wholly unacceptable. for the not-so-picky eater.

  • mother's milk casserole: made with milk squeezed right out of the tit of our most pregnant waitress

  • heavy metal meatloaf: mystery meat that scores alarmingly high on the iron and lead spectrum

  • lap coffee: our house specialty roast that's been spilt in the lap of another diner, then wrung out of their soaked garments straight into your cup. hints of linen and detergent make this a complex blend.

  • shouty monkey trout: freshwater trout that's been caught by a very vocal monkey. both are served on the plate.

  • non-binary perched salmon: seafood doesn't get woker than this

  • grease stain in a honky bowl

  • marshmallows and oatmeal in toilet water

  • artisanal reparations: our chef's way of making amends for 200 years of bad food

  • chocolate bison in decider sauce: bison meat braised in 84% dark chocolate and topped with our signature sauce, a confident blend of musk and eastern spices that points you where you need to go. popular with mountain guides and cliff climbers.

  1. market a product line of inexpensive used kleenexs using the following marketing slogans:

    • "you never know what you might find"​

    • "a surprise in every tissue!"

    • "get intimate with a stranger!"

  2. develop a social app called nuisance that sends out all notifications in one batch at 3am and that cannot be disabled​

  3. start a home delivery service called patterson's bespoke turds: steaming turds made to order. "i'll have two orders of the nutty corn infused loaf"

  4. form a company that sends people around to pick the noses of customers too lazy to do it themselves

  5. market a product called the vibrating turd replacer

  6. start a home meal delivery service that delivers regurgitated food to adults who self-identify as infants

  7. open a restaurant called dine and dash that encourages customers to run out without paying, and a department store called five finger discount that encourages shoplifting

  8. open a coffee shop called smart aleck that trains its baristas to be rude and sarcastic to customers

  9. produce a game show called it's probably piss where contestants try to identify unknown stains in clothes

  10. market a snack food called baxter's bacteria cakes

  11. start a helicopter site seeing tour company where all the pilots are flatulent midgets

  12. change your name to oleg fttttumpfff and host a reboot of the family feud, which pits staunch left wingers and right wingers within families against one another

  13. start a thing called desert island dick pics, where celebs and other notables are asked what essential dick pics they'd bring with them if they were stranded on a desert island 

  14. start greeting people you barely know with "yo, dandruff dawg"

  15. found the zapruder film festival, a weekend festival where the most famous political assassination films are shown

  16. produce a travel show called sediment sifters, about two silent men who travel from town to town sifting the sediment around in muddy creeks. tv critics embrace it, calling it a "zen revelation."

  17. hire yourself out as a professional belly drainer

  18. when someone asks you what you do for a living, reply "i am a purveyor of abstractions"

  19. try to start a new trend of instagram influencers bleaching their tongue

  20. set your away status message to read "currently waxing the bot pout"

  21. market a line of lice-resistant lingerie for hobos

  22. start using the word "alicing" as a verb: "we'll be onsite all day tomorrow, gonna be alicing the entire first floor"

  23. convince the navy seals to require all seals to have their own tiktok and post to it once a day, including during intense firefights

  24. become a high-powered tech ceo and force your entire company to play an elaborate game of cowboys and indians each month where everyone dresses up and the office is converted into a western battlefield. "circle the wagons!"

  25. convert to judaism and open a microbrewery called hebrew, with judaic-centric beer names: jewbacca ("a bad-tempered wooly brown ale")

  26. open a hollywood talent agency for hens

  27. convince disney world to open a global warming theme park with rides that show the dystopic hellscape that our world shall become in 25, 50, and 100 years

  28. form an extremely clumsy professional sports team called the new york oopsie daises that messes up every crucial play. this catches on and more teams are formed:

    • the cleveland klutzes​

    • the new jersey fuckups

    • the carolina fumblers

    • the detroit defeatists

    • the green bay losers

    • the miami missers

    • the san francisco wimps

    • the chicago no shows (who don't even bother to show up to games)

  29. market a line of dried booger snack food called nose candy

  30. create a ride sharing app for corpses, a navy seal training program for kids, and an astronaut program for the morbidly obese

  31. open a food truck called bob's gore shack, with the outside of your truck painted with bloody art showing carcasses hanging by hooks

  32. publish the latchkey kid cookbook, where all the recipes are peanut butter jelly sandwiches, tuna, and cereal

  33. start selling freeze dried pencil shavings as a magic cure-all for arthritis

  34. publish the emoji cookbook where all the instructions are presented in emojis

  35. convince your parents to begin naming their children with emojis instead of becomes necessary to hold up your smartphone to display the correct emoji when you wish to address them

  36. create a prank product called brain fart, a colorless odorless powder that blocks all cognitive ability for 5 minutes

  37. rent gallery space to show your photography exhibit expressions of defecation, consisting of close-up portraits of people's facial expression while taking a giant dump

  38. open a mad scientist summer camp for kids and teach a cryptocurrency course for kindergarteners

  39. publish a line of romance novels for asexuals and celibates - "the wholly intact bodice series"

  40. convince merriam webster to publish the emoji dictionary

  41. begin referring to yourself as the patron saint of poop

  42. form a band named too many musicians and try to jam more musicians that will fit onstage at every gig, with your final gig at carnegie hall culminating in 323 musicians all trying to cram themselves onstage

  43. publish the funyon cookbook, where funyons are substituted for onions in every dish

  44. open a bagel place called bagels for bastards that gives a 75% discount to all illegitimate children

  45. write a stoner children's book called vlad the inhaler, about a weed-loving european count

  46. buy a van and modify it to look like an amazon prime van, then start delivering boxes of flaming poop in amazon boxes at random doorsteps

  47. open a line of daycare centers that play hardcore gangsta rap all day long

  48. open a yoga studio for tightly wound perfectionists called faster harder better

  49. market an herbal soap whose secret ingredient is dried feces

  50. manufacture a light that blinks irregularly and softly only when visible when viewed just out of the corner of one's eye

  51. convince the world's leading diplomats to only communicate using emojis, making possible a sentence like this in a diplomat's future memoir: "we smiley faced our way back from the brink of nuclear annihilation"

  52. market a nonsensical health product called freeze dried crump

  53. market a fake asian cooking product called pnang fnang sauce

  54. start putting up "no purfing" signs on people's lawns

  55. convince harvard to offer a graduate-level seminar on the history of farts

  56. open a donut shop that demands toe nail clippings from customers before they are served

  57. open a music club that strictly bans applause. bouncers forcibly eject any audience member who claps after a song.

  58. open a gym called sweet temptation where the interior artwork is glossy photos of cakes, pies, and cookies, and that has an award-winning bakery onsite

  59. convince the boston marathon to require competitors to wear roller skates

  60. start warning strangers to watch out for the "swedish candy mafia"

  61. open a seedy bookstore called the purple pornography peddler

  62. open a gourmet eatery called moist lump

  63. open a store called smash electronics where people can bring in electronics that they want smashed to pieces

  64. start referring to yourself as a fauxtographer and stage elaborate shoots without any film in your camera. when people ask why, answer "the most beautiful photo is in the mind."

  65. wake up one morning convinced that submarines can be built from snot, tampons, and burritos, and devote the rest of your life to trying to prove it

  66. perform a radiohead/culture club mashup called karma chameleon police

  67. convince your local senior center to replace bingo night with nude jello wrestling

  68. open a skydiving school that uses handkerchiefs tied together instead of parachutes

  69. produce a gay travel show called around the world with 80 gays

  70. found an investment firm called disincentivized

  71. open a franchise of white supremacist gas station/mini marts called circle kkk

  72. open an art gallery that encourages visitors to deface the artwork

  73. start a home meal delivery service called oink! where the portions are 4x the recommended daily amount

  74. start trying to convince people that "lol" stands for "lactating on laptop"

  75. open a bar called skunked where you only sell beer that's gone bad

  76. convince nasa to create a budget part-time space program for amateur astronauts who train for just one week before going to space

  77. start a 24/7 absurdist news network where you report about things like forehead lemonade and bad sock knee jive, with headlines like "raindrops no longer afraid of falling" and "lions put an end to the whole thing"

  78. open a bar called litmus test where customers must answer a series of questions before they can be served

  79. start the constipation podcast where you only interview people who are suffering from serious constipation

  80. open a restaurant called homo where every dish is identical

  81. launch a kickstarter called the obidiah husk project with no information on what it is

  82. organize a bikini contest for peg-legged women and a beauty contest to see which man has the most attractive prothestic testical

  83. publish a children's book about cults called goonight, moonie

  84. open a restaurant called chickens come home to roost where chickens and roosters wander freely throughout the dining area

  85. convince norton publishing to publish an anthology of poems devoted to bodily functions and lobby for america's schools to adopt it as part of their core curriculum, leading to moments like these across high schools: "ok class let's turn to the diarrhea poem, is there any symbolism here that stands out?"

  86. popularize the slow birth movement where all births take place in neck deep quicksand

  87. convince fashion influencers that bulky court-ordered ankle bracelets are the must have fashion accessory for summer

  88. open a luxury resort that only serves ravioli and chef boyardee and a line of cruise ships that only serve gerber's baby food

  89. open a hobby shop that only sells traps, knives, and incendiary devices

  90. market a line of shit-scented toilet paper with the slogan "it's already halfway there" and a line of fart-scented "sweet stinky dreams" pillows

  91. market a line of gourmet truffle-infused dental floss, caviar-flavored mouthwash, and lobster-scented toothbrushes

  92. convince america's top model to launch a contest search to find the girl with the loneliest eyes

  93. try to popularize an after-church service across the south called sunday slurping, where kinfolk sit around the table in their sunday best and slurp soup as loudly as they can

  94. manufacture 10,000 t-shirts with "no more orange nightingale" on the chest and sell them at strip malls across the country

  95. organize an alzheimer's fundraiser called a night to remember

  96. sell a line of condiments called barney's wailing sauce

  97. open up a pop-in medical clinic called sandy's lobotomy

  98. develop an exclusive subdivision where all the streets are named after genatalia:

    • clitoris hideaway​

    • testical lane

    • balls court

    • scrotum's folly

  99. open a combo bbq joint/birthing center on the edge of town called hank's birthing shack

  100. teach a stool carving class. in your first class, drop your pants and take a dump that you begin carving. when the class recoils in horror, ask innocently "what? this is a stool carving class, is it not?"

  101. open an art gallery where clients pay to have the paintings destroyed

  102. start a moving company called two men and a dumptruck. show up at your customer's house and cart all their belongings off to the dump.

  103. put all your retirement savings into founding an earmuff recovery service that only hires elite navy seals

  104. open a bar called unibrow that only serves people with grow-together eyebrows and another called have you locking pliers? that only serves people who have a bulky repair tool on their person, and another called at death's door that only serves people on the verge of death

  105. launch paperview tv. customers assume you mean pay per view and sign up for a month's access to channels that just display static images of paper.

  106. lobby for a non-gendered batman movie called batthem

  107. spend a decade writing a 1,600 page novel called merrill's slinky bits/phoebe shiver gas

  108. convince the director of the cdc to make the global eradication of cooties their number one goal

  109. convince disney world to create a new ride called fart mountain

  110. found a church where there a whoopie cushions built into every pew, so there are constant fart sounds during services as people stand up and sit down again. "body of christ, wind of christ"

  111. start using bizarre comebacks during verbal jousts: "oh yeah, well...god's best virgins don't even know your last name. and fourteen noble papas never even clocked your digit. and another thing, your face be terror to 18 haitian mamas out strolling."

  112. convince the producers of dancing with the stars to devote an entire season to celebrities dancing with their pets

  113. market a "revolutionary" hair loss treatment for men and fail to mention that it causes them to rapidly lose their hair, not regain it

  114. create a saturday morning kids cartoon featuring disreputable anti-socials like tina tinkle, who is fond of urinating in public, and archie klepto, who can't stop himself from robbing department stores

  115. convince hallmark to market two distinct lines of greeting cards: woke and anti-woke

  116. invent a type of pencil eraser that also erases your short-term memories when you inhale it

  117. open a stationary store for white supremacists called nooses n' notes

  118. develop a cell phone marketed at liberals that features a woke autocorrect option, enabling users to adjust the level of virtue signalling they want in their messages

  119. start an eskimo call boy service

  120. unveil a female lifestyle product called smart queef 99

  121. convince the producers of dancing with the stars to devote an entire season to celebrity contestants dancing with holograms of themselves

  122. start asking health food stores if they stock aztec wiggle sauce, explaining that it's like hot sauce only aztecier

  123. start bringing prostitutes home in order to teach them how to cook jambalaya

  124. begin asking strangers on the street "what makes the sauce so irresistible?"

  125. design a line of home wallpaper for home depot that depicts iconic 20th century disasters like 911, jfk assassination, challenger explosion, etc. call it the "shit happens" series.

  126. when anyone comes within two feet of you, look at them and growl "don't mess with my doot doot"

  127. convince the government to start a new federal assistance program: no manchild left behind. billions of dollars to help mostly white middle-aged men so they continue to wake up at noon, drink beer, play video games, and mooch off of their parents/long-suffering girlfriends/adult friends.

  128. publish cliff's woke notes, enabling students to tell at a glance how woke their assigned reading is

  129. make it your life's mission to waste the time of psychiatrists by swearing to various fictitious neuroses: only being able to defecate while standing on the edge of a cliff, being terrified of porridge because you think it'll cause you to giggle uncontrollably, that you're convinced that the opposite sex are actually octopuses in disguise (something that might actually be true), etc.

  130. start asking strangers if they've run out of christmas juice, and if so, would they like some of yours

  131. open a camp called camp bully, where kids learn how to become bullies

  132. market a health drink called matcha kaboom! that has trace amounts of nitro glycerin and will explode if shaken. "a healthy pick-me up provided you don't lose a limb in a hail of fire and shrapnel."

  133. create a line of heavily lsd-laced gummies called rainbow trippers, intended for use in psychedelic therapy but which end up being sold in grocery stores and drugstores where anyone can buy them

  134. invent a prank product called giggle bastard that causes people to giggle uncontrollably for an hour. use it to prank your co-worker right before their big presentation.

  135. develop an anti-anti-wrinkle cream that gives women deep permanent wrinkles almost immediately. becomes a big hit with women tired of the unsolicited male gaze and the #1 feminist beauty product.

  136. begin using meaningless hashtags in all your twitter posts (#stanfordantennadebug, #happyblinkingeye, #dawntrance, #tokuschicanery, #budgetwampumwrap, #se-dest)

  137. open a dance club called muzak where the djs play nothing but somnomulent elevator and grocery store muzak. it becomes the hottest club in la.

  138. open a folk music club that caters to hardcore republicans and a combo shooting gallery/vegan bakery

  139. launch an upscale wall street bar called audit where customers are audited by the irs while they drink and socialize

  140. open an exclusive washington, dc bistro called bribe where customers must bribe the employees every step of the way: receptionist to get a reservation, waiter to be served, cook to be fed. it becomes a big hit with politicians.

  141. open a bar in akron, ohio called trip where all the drinks are spiked with hallucinigens

  142. market a line of animal-scented hygiene products: 

    • trout-scented hand wipes​

    • salmon-scented toilet paper

    • bear-scented tampons

    • octopus-scented mouthwash

    • wet dog-scented shampoo

    • sewage-scented garbage bags

  143. market a vegan burger called the booger burger, made out of oats, mushrooms, and mucus

  144. open a casual eatery called tater tots that only employs children dressed in potato costumes

  145. develop a 3-in-1 brush: hairbrush, toothbrush, toilet brush "use it in any order that you wish!"

  146. become a "monday morning nickleback" where you attend nickleback concerts then critique them the next day from the comfort of your easy chair, describing how they should have done it better

  147. market a series of counterintuitive male health products:

    • male hair loss shampoo that causes immediate permanent male pattern baldness​

    • erectile dysfunction product that renders men permanently unable to get a hard on

  148. convince lego to release a series of famous disaster scenes for kids: challenger explosion, columbine shooting, jfk assassination, 911, etc. 

  149. adopt a strict diet to avoid non-existent unhealthy substances: flactonoids, gravinax, querfs, gastopoids, clazanoids, glubens, etc.

  150. start a podcast called how's that working out for ya where you interview famous people and focus on their most notable failures

  151. produce a gameshow called lemonade or piss? where contestants have to guess just by looking and must drink if they get it wrong

  152. open a series of casual eateries all with forebodingly violent names:

    • splatter effect​

    • chokehold

    • the braining

    • artery

    • spatter pattern

    • chopped to bits

    • boiled!

    • deep cuts

    • windpipe

  153. start a within-the-hour delivery service called delivery bassoon that delivers bassoons to people on short notice

  154. open a fancy french restaurant called la trine

  155. launch a gig service that lets people hire insects for short-term infestations: "termites within the hour"

  156. publish a glossy lifestyle porn mag called minimum wage architectural digest that profiles the rented rooms of minimum-wage employees and another called bitter home and gardens that's filled with advice on how to live a life of domestic regret

  157. start an interior design service that transforms new homes into rotting ruins. your team adds spider webs, rat bat mice infestation, peeling plaster, deep water stains, broken windows, dense creeping vines, and foundational instability. "give us a week and we'll age your home a hundred years." jack white is your first high-profile customer.

  158. open an eatery called nothing burger that sells buns and lettuce with nothing else included

  159. start telling strangers on the subway "you smell like a 17th-century whaling vessel"

  160. market a high-tech line of self-consuming food products that consume themselves in the package within an hour after being scanned at the check out register, with customers rushing to eat them them before they self-consume

  161. successfully lobby marvel comics to have mister rogers added the avengers roster

  162. print up 10,000 t-shirts with the slogan "i don't wanna piss on a pirate"

  163. produce a saturday morning kids cartoon called murder hobo, about a homicidal homeless man

  164. greenlight a prank tv series call pool shitters where people try to get away with shitting in public pools to win cash prizes

  165. open a gourmet ice cream parlor that insists on sprinkling decades-old dust on each serving

  166. convince kraft foods to release a creamy salad dressing named garden spunk

  167. market a health food product called albatross elixir

  168. open a zoo in kalamazoo, michigan and call it kalamazoozoo

  169. publish a series of ill-advised self-help books in the for dummies series:

    • the dummies guide to prank calls

    • the dummies guide to becoming an alcoholic

    • the dummies guide to doxxing (with a new bonus section on twitter trolling)

    • the dummies guide to masturbation

  170. market a drink called artisanal couch water 

  171. start a food truck called eddie's wet hot twat chicken tent

  172. form a north korean hip hop trio called run dmz and found north korea's first hip hop record label, pyongyang hill, releasing the smash 12" dance track defector's delight

  173. go on a hunger strike to protest eating disorders

  174. become a comedy life coach and help your clients make the tricky life transition from piss jokes to poop jokes

  175. open a bar called the wet pecan

  176. start whispering "your torpor is elegiac" to strangers who sit beside you in the subway

  177. move to seattle and open a combo daycare/microbrewery

  178. open a maximum security donut shop with barbed wire and razor fences surrounding the perimeter

  179. market a line of beauty products for bones and internal organs, and convince social media influencers to begin decorating their innards and posting surgery photos of it online

  180. devote your life's work to convincing rock bands to somehow record albums of cover versions of their own songs

  181. convince bose audio to produce a line of noise-cancelling eardrums

  182. start an ice cream delivery service whose speciality is delvering to war zones

  183. hold an auction where you auction off your facial features to the highest bidder

  184. pay for expensive experimental surgery to have your forehead doubled, then open a forehead manufacturing plant that produces spare foreheads for others wishing to undergo the same procedure

  185. open a petting zoo for stuffed animals

  186. teach a college-level course on doubling down so that students learn to never admit when they are wrong

  187. learn to mass hack the phones of anyone within 50 feet of you to change their ringtones and notification sounds to fart and burp noises, then look at them with a "wtf is wrong with you" expression when their phones go off

  188. begin asking strangers on the subway if they miss not having dandruff

  189. develop a line of bikinis for cavemen and place them in storage until a time machine is inventred

  190. found the society for beheaded bearded beekeepers

  191. open a hospital that only admits ghosts for treatment

  192. invent a line of biometric smart wedding rings that can detect when either partner falls out of love, at which point they begin flashing red and cannot be turned off

  193. update your linkedin profile to "non-compliance officer"

  194. attend an eight-course banquet and bring a pbj sandwhich with you in case you get hungry between courses

  195. run for political office on the platform that every american is issued an ar-15 assault rifle at birth and must carry it with them as a valid form of i.d. 

  196. open an expensive french restaurant on a roller coaster

  197. open an abortion clinic on mars and settle in for the long wait for human colonists to arrive

  198. become captain of your school's rugby team and begin leading the team in bizarre cheers like "upsell the blemigans!"

  199. convince marvel to introduce a new superhero, one who is a combination or the dali lhama and willy wonka

  200. found the summer festival petefest, by and for people named pete

  201. put up a large sign on your front yard reading "german shepherd pies for sale"

  202. convince fans of tiny house living to take the next step in sustainability and move into porta potties

  203. start a food truck that only travels to the middle of tornados 

  204. move to hollywood in the hopes of becoming a stunt double for sleep scenes

  205. open a combat-themed restaurant that serves m.r.e.s with grenade sauce

  206. develop a lovecraftian gated suburban community called leviathan estates

  207. found a company that delivers icebergs by c130 cargo jet to kid's birthday parties

  208. found a fleet of cruise ships called the atrocity cruise line that only travel to civil war hot spots

  209. market a line of sexbots in the likeness of infamous serial killers: the jeffrey dahmer sexbot 1.0

  210. become the manager of a septuagenarian boy band called old direction  

  211. open a combo natural foods/ammunition store called bean and bullet

  212. develop a line of disgusting air fresheners:

    • vomitorium​

    • country skunk

    • roadside toilet

    • carolina crotch

    • week-old cabbage

  213. start spamming your doctor's office with calls complaining about various non-existant ailments:

    • grandfather elbow

    • brisket beak

    • vestigial quackbutt

    • spectroamelerite deficiency

    • subcutaneous olivers

    • thromboid in your romboid

    • mistletoe grime disease

    • capsized bibble of quintessence

    • mitochlordians in your unobtanium

    • excess corporeal half-jacksons

    • elevated citric wamplitude levels

    • degenerative tiddlywinks

    • pain in your yoinks

    • forehead doubling

    • knocky rotpiles

    • jittery owl eyes

    • whether or not brown sounds can rub off on you

    • spindly durndels

  214. become the cheet vigilante, where you dispense your unique brand of justice on those who have done mild wrongdoings: you confront them and rub cheeto dust all over their clothes and fingers​

  215. begin using the word "kloob" more and more in your conversations

  216. move to beverly hills and open a restaurant called lippo where patrons can opt for a lippo suction hose hookup while they eat so their fat can be sucked out in real time while they eat. then open another called feed tube where diners are sedated and fed through a feed tube. 

  217. found the grotty hanky exchange program, where people all around the world can exchange their unwashed hankies with others

  218. launch a vacation cruise line called good luck (you'll need it!) where the staff happens to be made up mostly of cannibals

  219. open a grocery store that sells primarily bowling balls and bizarrely named products that cannot be found anyplace else:

    • honk-encrusted scroop

    • rich erotica milk​

    • floorish sevendust

    • gluten-free vacuum powder

    • understudy goat cheese

    • non-stop hippy snack crackers

    • citrus nose closters

    • crispy raspy onions

    • toad butter

    • crud butter

    • winged eel finger food

    • hobbit-forming cheddar collectives

    • honky stonky donkey bites

    • galvanic wankle rods

    • truculent caramel crappers

    • stygian bindle poppers

    • febril benny hoppers

    • rafferty laffy taffy

    • crabapple nesbits

    • hot metric flambeux

    • thrimp gimble broth

    • casper creme milquetoasts

    • chocolate pinocchio sauce 

    • troutwater caramel clusters

    • dried shark hide

    • poppy seed fickle cake

    • cranberry furtwanglers

    • folded foreskins from a finnish freighter

    • crispin's crinkled cuties

    • strawberry piddle packs

    • manilla vapers

    • trolley squid

    • jurassic combustibles

    • grizzly nut skewers

    • donkey nostril snaps

    • mozerella wusps

    • rusty trombone elixir

    • huggy wuggy buggy bites

    • plastisheen gluten poppers

    • crime-free adventure toast

    • steamed yortels

    • stump dumped bathroom chumps

    • couch stuffers

    • urghonomic sprinkle sisters

    • canary crackers

    • dewy nightfallers

    • drowsy kreplachs

    • mothery berry frump darts

    • galvanic winkle sauce

    • weisenheimer winkle dips

    • crisped wangle pooty

    • intravenous buffalo sliders ("when you gotta have 'em no matter what")

    • hooey malama giggle sauce

    • yeasty beasties

    • fram cooking spray

    • porcupine cheddar bites

    • outer mongoose thread cake

    • lisping petunia roast with a side of juniper provocation dumplings

    • pendrake woofer paste

    • couch seasoning

    • hazelnut maizel flump cutters

    • charbroiled cardboard lizzies

    • octo-fried giggle crisps

    • tidal turdcakes

    • shonky containment woops

    • gorgon shrubs

    • portentious blueberry spoob

    • licorice blomp bats

    • hoovery duck breath sliders

    • tantric petal fuskers

    • nippon nipple sauce

    • hoppin' john's vibrator sauce

    • grinch clusters

    • wookie cookies (made with real wookie fur!)

    • blunt force trauma mamas

    • strawberry spinach pimple cuties

    • pina colonics

    • turwelliver cheddar initiatives

    • scrump paste

    • hoppin' john's vibrator sauce

    • post-prandial cranberry clusterbombs

    • calgary apple squawks

    • cheddar nose bashers

    • dried sneets

    • querile pearl jellies

    • citric energy cusps

  220. open a nursing home called death prep, where the logo is the grim reaper holding a scythe

  221. write a novel called the old man and the seaworld, about a crazy old coot who keeps getting kicked out of seaworld for trying to hunt the killer whales

  222. open a bar called loo that is one giant toilet seat

  223. open a health food eatery called brocolli breath

  224. open a shop called eldritch cheeses that sells only the world's strangest cheeses

  225. open a dance club called summersault that only admits people who can do summersaults

  226. bioengineer a line of fart-scented roses

  227. open a bar called headlock where the bartenders are free to put patrons in a headlock at any time

  228. publish a series of home improvement books in the "when drunk on whiskey" series:

    • how to remodel your kitchen (when drunk on whiskey)​

    • how to organize your garage (when drunk on whiskey)

  229. form an all-female electro group called energy twat

  230. form a punk rock band of concerned suburban homeowners called not in my backyard

  231. open a bar called not really where that is the default answer of the bartenders when asked if they know how to make drinks

  232. produce a reality prank show called unexpected organ donations where random people are visited and convinced by the attractive smooth-tongued hosts to donate an organ then and there

  233. open a bar called rattlesnake where the drinks are infused with rattlesnake venom

  234. convince harvard to offer a grad level program preparing students for a career in the porn industry

  235. start a travel hacking blog where you top piece of advice for hacking travel is "fuck it, stay at home"

  236. popularize a new trend in fish ownership: selfie fish, where people pay to have their facial likeness grafted onto their fish so they can watch various versions of themselves swim around their fish tank

  237. convince the nation's shopping malls to replace their food courts with community gardens

  238. form a jazz combo that only plays arrangements of famous fast food commercials

  239. found a luggage company called huggery terse where the luggage is made from the skins of endangered animals

  240. open a dessert franchise called cinnabomb, which combines domestic terrorism with sweet pastries

  241. publish a glossy coffee table photobook called the illustrated encyclopedia of unknown brown stains

  242. become a kid's clown who specializes in playing bris ceremonies

  243. market a fur-covered cookie called the wookie cookie

  244. start printing up t-shirts with odd logos:

    • "blonde american woman in peril abroad"​

    • "my father was a perverted car salesman"

    • "got ennui?"

    • "i'm with idling potato worker"

    • "protect the family jewels!"

  245. open a fire station that for one day each year goes around setting fires instead of putting them out. when asked why, reply "it's a yin yang thing."

  246. open a dessertery called the creamatorium that combines homemade ice cream with the incineration of corpses

  247. become a celebrity agent and start encouraging your clients to cultivate what you call "orangutan mystique"

  248. form an anarchic free jazz punk combo called expeditionary tutu collision force

  249. try to convince everyone you know to adopt the phrase "oinking around" to describe not doing anything in particular

  250. release a hard rock album of educational songs called appetite for instruction

  251. convince disney to open a theme park for alcoholics, with rides like whiskey mountain

  252. open an eatery called nose candy that caters to adults who still pick their boogers

  253. open a coffee shop called 2nd amendment that only serves people who are carrying guns

  254. open a restaurant for germaphobes called lysol where all the dishes are seasoned with trace amounts of clorox and other antibacterials

  255. become a willfully incompetent lifecoach whose slogan is "your journey begins with a single misstep"

  256. start nicknaming yourself the tantric scallywag

  257. start attending local basketball games and chanting strange things like "pump jump the dump stumper!"

  258. found a startup called crap hustle that unapologetically hypes the crappiest products and services imaginable

  259. market a series of extreme high energy trail mixes that include cocaine and amphetamines along with chocolate, fruit, and nuts

  260. devote your life's work to convincing scientists that there such thing as gay and trans dinosaurs: transerotop, latinaxrex, etc

  261. start walking around wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "i'm a janitor, oh my genitals!"

  262. begin attending gun rights rallies and convince those around you in chants of "over my child's cold dead body!" in response to gun control

  263. spend your waking hours scouring e-bay for used astronaut underwear

  264. start spouting out absurd fake science facts: "fun fact, albinos shit white turds"

  265. form an electro band called energy twat, then form a punk rock band of concerned suburban homeowners called not in my backyard and write songs protesting the development of low-income housing near you

  266. start calling people "spoob kittens"

  267. market a hybrid of sandpaper and toilet paper called tuff butt "only for use on the toughest butts" and your marketing is so effective that alpha republican males continue to buy it and injure themselves

  268. convince the government to institute a federal sex tax where during tax season people must pay taxes based on the number of times they had sex during that tax season

  269. start a theater school that trains understudies for understudies

  270. become a social reform advocate for non-existent social reforms: conjugal smith lathing, the rehabilitation of endangered feral puffers, etc

  271. specialize in tmi therapy where when patients begin sharing intimate information the therapists responds with "hold up, that's seriously tmi"

  272. start an underwear company called treasure crotch

  273. greenlight a game show called broccoli or fart? where contestants have to determine if the smell is broccoli or a fart

  274. convince the organizers of new york fashion week to make this year's focus be on bringing back 80's aerobics wear

  275. open a local movie house that has whoopee cushions in all the chairs

  276. start asking folks at the local foodtrucks "give me your best price for a vial of akthar"

  277. start an at-home service called shit shiners "yep, you got that right, we come to your home and shine your shit"

  278. become a preacher who specializes in limerick sermons: "there once was a savior named jesus..."

  279. start a limerick outsourcing service for busy professionals who don't have time to write their own limericks

  280. convince oliver stone to direct a loverboy biopic and for sundance to begin the reo speedwagon film festival

  281. market a line of alcoholic dolls for children called gin guzzlin' cuties

  282. publish a book on funeral limerick etiquette 

  283. convince marvel comics to name spider man's next villain the octoplonker

  284. convince disney to open a johnny depp theme park

  285. develop a prank show called white people am i right? where people of color prank white people into doing the kinds of ridiculous things that only white people can do

  286. begin hosting a series of private parties with bizarre themes: cottage cheese and duct tape, tickling inside a wigwam

  287. open an exotic pet store where you only sell the feces of different exotic animals

  288. earn extra income by renting yourself out as someone whose nose can be picked by strangers

  289. found a new commercial airline galled giggle airlines, where laughing gas is released into the cabin once the flight reaches altitude

  290. start a new hippy movement called flour power, where the emphasis is on solving the world's problems by baking

  291. open a bar called fly swat where customers must swat at least three flies in order to be served

  292. update your linkedin profile so that it lists the montague fart factory as your place of employment

  293. open an online dating profile and put "piss factory jazz machine" as your self summary

  294. invent a life-sized robot that urinates on command, and call it the tinkle bot

  295. open a super casual soup joint called slurp n' burp

  296. develop a reality show called outhouse flippers, about people who buy outhouses and then fancy them up and sell them at a profit

  297. become head of programming at nickolodean and greenlight a saturday morning kid's cartoon called my collosal penis

  298. begin insisting that blueberries should be pronounced blubberies

  299. market a line of trout-flavored kombucha

  300. develop a line of extreme beds, with one being six stories deep. users must either be lowered into it and back out via crane or climb stairs

  301. start calling everyone you meet "tokyo space face"

  302. open a gym called 'roid rage that encourages aggressive behavior

  303. open an artisanal restaurant called cockbelly and have a drawing of a winking rooster as the logo

  304. start calling people by their haircuts instead of their name: "yo, buzz cut" "excuse, miss afro?" "'sup short back and sides?"

  305. when you visit dance clubs with your friends, shout "form attack pattern alpha-proxima beta!" at the top of your lungs as you hit the dancefloor

  306. start replacing regular expressions with bizarre variants: "someone answer the phone/telephone singing like a rotten oasis"

  307. market a line of corpse-flavored chewing gum

  308. open a franchise of frozen yogurt shops where the theme is past-atomic dystopia and all the flavors are named after various types of nuclear weapons and radioactive fallout

  309. start a company called same-day thieves that sends professional thieves out to rob whatever location you hire them for

  310. market a line of trashcans called loony bins for people with mental illness 

  311. insist that neanderthals were the first to host gender-reveal parties 

  312. start an intentionally ugly fashion brand called donatella slug

  313. start dressing up as the follower fairy, a new children's fairy for the age of social media, who leaves likes under your child's pillow when they've opened their first social media account

  314. start using the term "rembranting" to refer to the act of spraying graffiti on things

  315. start a smalltown newspaper called the daily dandruff that devotes itself to reporting on who in town had visible dandruff the day before

  316. start saying "around here, demonic possession is 9/10ths of the law" for no reason in particular

  317. remake the classic willie nelson/julio iglesis ballad to all the girls i've loved before for the age of online dating: to all the girls i've sent dick pics to before

  318. convince the museum of modern art to house an exhibit of 40 year's worth of bathroom stall graffiti from a random cleveland public high school

  319. market a line of medical trauma snack foods called flatliners

  320. open a gentleman's club for clowns called the ronald mcdonald house

  321. open a froyo shop called splendiferous yoinks

  322. open a bro-friendly seafood franchise called doucheriggers

  323. direct an urban remake of rosemary's baby called rosemary's baby daddy

  324. whenever anyone asks you for advice, offer up the stock advice of "have you tried giving it the once over twice?

  325. launch a fleet of cruise ships for rich hipsters called bespoke, each ship would feature extensive vinly-only record stores

  326. walk into a pizza place and ask for two slices of eagle rot and a side of wooden sunday juice

  327. print up 5,000 t-shirts with the slogan "vestigial titties" and 5,000 more with the slogan "this donkey's shonky"

  328. start confiding to strangers in bars how many days you've been wearing the same pair of underwear

  329. convince the members of your church to join you in a round of zambezi prayer honking

  330. found the ted walk series: where wannabee tech iconoclasts pay money to walk alongside tech leaders as they go out for their weekly stroll

  331. start telling anyone within ear shot that this is a "jive-ass summer"

  332. start hanging out in intellectual bars and saying things like "i know writers who use subtext. they're all cowards."

  333. form a dada expressionist art-punk band called billy mumy and dummies and get a gig on a cruise ship for hipsters

  334. form a punk band of exceptionally clumsy people and call it whoopsie daisies. each gig would dissolve into chaos and broken equipment.

  335. convince toastmasters to change their focus to jamaican ska toasting. it catches on and soon linkedin is filled with posts from white corporate types doing short ska toasts a la ranking roger.

  336. start posting signs in public parks that read "please litter gently"

  337. market a line of sweat-scented deodorant

  338. convince ticketmaster to sponsor a druid-themed outdoor music festival and prank the dave matthews band by hiring them under the pretense it will be festival like bonnaroo or coachella. then insist they perform 10 minutes of chants and invocations prior to their set. then convince ticketmaster to sponsor a lip syncing music festival and get milli vanilli to headline it.

  339. change your linkedin description to read "animals, knives, tools, and whatever the hell else"

  340. start wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "this ape for hire"

  341. open a custom door shop called doorgasm

  342. form a retro late 90s pop band of james bond villians called smershmouth

  343. convince huey lewis to make a solo album called huey lewis and the no news is good news

  344. convince the estates of both prince and toni morrisson to allow you to create a musical mashup called the color purple rain

  345. walk into a bed bath and beyond and ask where you can find nordic feel goods and plastic plop pots

  346. move to brazil and spend the rest of your life writing sci-fi short stories that involve saltines

  347. convince your neighborhood's white supremacists to form a salsa band

  348. open a bar called make believe where patrons must pretend to be other than who they are

  349. insist that your tombstone read "everybody ducked except me"

  350. vomit in the ear of your favorite dentist

  351. organize the world's first nambla music festival

  352. become a ghost writer for animal memoirs

  353. develop a saturday mornings kids cartoon about a family of bears in india who are also crackshot snipers employed by the indian military to eliminate pakastani border soldiers

  354. convince sade and slade to record an album of duets called s(l)ade

  355. publish a novel dedicated to life's losers and call it eyes on the consolation prize

  356. form a deliberately obscure band named japanese bonus track and make all your releases be as hidden bonus tracks on niche japanese compilations albums

  357. pitch a cruel reality prank show called pant shitters where the goal of each prank is to make the victim shit their pants

  358. pitch a sitcom about anorexia called life in the fast lane

  359. open a store called lobby hobby that caters to people who enjoy hanging out in lobbies

  360. start a funeral lifestyle company for couples called his and hearse

  361. convince zach snyder to make a superhero/baseball mashup movie called a justice league of their own

  362. direct a series of irs-themed horror films: a fiduciary nightmare on elm street, friday april 13th (and you still haven't filed)

  363. start a punk rock band of c-level executives and called it fiduciary trust, then form another with woke activists called botched diversity meeting

  364. start insisting to anyone who will listen that you are the last of the balearic feather slingers

  365. convince viagra to pay niagra millions to change the name of the waterfall to viagra falls

  366. convince the editors of architectural digest magazine to devote their next issue to wigwams and igloos

  367. open a daycare where each morning the staff and the children flip a coin to decide which of them will run the place that day

  368. go nude parachuting with your 4th grade teacher

  369. develop an ulcer worrying about the problem of incest in the dinosaur kingdom

  370. move to downtown durham and open a coffeeshop called systematic opression

  371. move to a small town and start publishing a newspaper called the daily constitutional, which described in detail the daily bowel movements of each citizen

  372. convince the d.e.a. to start combining drug raids with panty raids

  373. open a restaurant called rap fo you supper where customers must do an improv rap in order to be served, and prices are calculated based on the quality of the rap

  374. walk into a walmart and ask where you can find idelwild honk husks

  375. prank your local swimming pools by putting up "please poop in this pool" signs late at night

  376. start a youtube channel devoted to unboxing of rudimentary household objects: soap, toilet paper, etc.

  377. convince the nfl to hire puppies as quarterbacks

  378. start asking strangers on the subway what their glandual throughput is
  379. open a strip club called aristotle's where all the strippers dress like greek goddesses, and where monday night is allegory of the cave night and philosopher's get half priced drinks
  380. develop a form of cybercurrency for strip clubs called "groin coin"

  381. begin advocating for the abolition of professional sports teams on the grounds that they promote abelism

  382. start a local bird watching group in your town but instead of looking for flighted animals, go looking for people flipping each other off. start hanging around competitive little league games, political rallies, etc.

  383. buy an ice cream truck and start parking outside popular ice cream parlors, in the hopes that people will wbuy your ice cream while they wait in line to buy ice cream

  384. start a home flasher deliver service called hello flash!

  385. move to alaska and become a midwife for grizzly bears

  1. open a strip club called johnny lisp's that only hires dancers and staff with speech impediments

  2. convince starbucks to introduce a new drink: the orange mocha mansplainer, which can only be served by a male barista, who must mansplain the artisanal approach to sourcing the ingredients and making it

  3. open a travel agency that specializes in guided tours to the world's worst chemical disaster sites

  4. open a food truck that only sells two-week old sardine sandwiches

  5. become a life-avoidance therapist who specializes in helping patients avoid life's challenging situations. "it's a dangerous world out there, who says you must engage it?"

  6. develop a line of halitosis-flavored ice cream

  7. open a restaurant called rest and destroy, where patrons are encountered to relax and wreck the decor however they wish

  8. spend your retirement savings on creating a line of "no two farts are alike" t-shirts and posters

  9. convince the producers of dancing with the stars to film a season in maximum security prison

  10. market the yeti neti and the seti neti

  11. devote your life to evangelizing for the "shit standing up" movement

  12. develop a line of alcohol-infused toothpaste for heavy drinkers

  13. convince young workers to start quiet quilting instead of quiet quitting

  14. convince the catholic church to refer to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions

  15. start telling everyone you know that it's gonna be a tropical hot dog night

  16. start walking around with a t-shirt with the slogan "the coffin trade is booming"

  17. update your linkedin description to read "swan diving into shit-filled swimming pools"

  18. devote the rest of your life to designing the perfect cgi booger

  19. market a line of "accidental snack food" called whoopsie daisy nuggets: mystery-filled snack foods that have a bunch of ingredients we didn't really mean to put there "your guess is as good as ours"

  20. open a heavy petting zoo that encourages visitors to get very friendly indeed with the animals, then open another where all the animals are vicious apex predators

  21. convince bed bath and beyond to start selling chamber pots

  22. put a big sign outside your house that reads "unlimited martian pastry!"

  23. convince nbc to create a trans latinax cowboy western

  24. start writing rap lyrics that are oddly acne-centric: "got my glock and i popped him like a nose zit..."

  25. start a new trend for the ethically conscious capitalist: diy restaurants where patrons must prepare and serve their own meal

  26. direct a horror movie about catty supernatural gossips called shit talking shapeshifters

  27. approach fashionable women on the street and point to their purse and ask "and what's in your rucksack?"

  28. when you have a bad hair day, start complaining that you look like a "spunover dunce"

  29. open an antique used clothing store for old people called grannypaw

  30. self-publish a pop psychology advice book called how to win arguments like a third grader

  31. start referring tp your local barista as a "gimlet-eyed hark spooler"

  32. publish a monthly high-fashion magazine called cyclops, where all the models have unibrows

  33. begin pranking confessionals in catholic churches by releasing laughing gas into the booth so that both the priest and the confessor cannot stop laughing

  34. design a smart toilet that trash talks the user:

  35. "you disgust me with your vile bodily secretions"​

  36. "if you eat those burritos again, so help me god i'm gonna overflow like a motherfucker"

  37. "who the hell taught you how to wipe, helen keller?"

  38. "i've met sewers that smelled better than your ass"

  39. call in sick to work, telling your boss you're neck deep in a "weisenheimer stink storm"

  40. go to lunch at the ritz hotel and throw a temper tantrum when you cannot be served ritz crackers

  41. market a line of pre-filled diapers

  42. whenever you're in a group setting, begin suggesting that everyone take turns taking turns

  43. do your very best to name each of your farts for three months out of the year

  44. become a plastic surgeon who specializes in putting plastic under people's skin

  45. begin shouting "yabba dabba do!" when making love

  46. start live streaming all your bowel movements

  47. changed your linkedin description to "morally dubious podcaster run amok"

  48. quit your job and leave your spouse, telling them that you've decided to spend the rest of your life tugging udders in nebraska

  49. open a chain of overpriced department stores called pay more

  50. market a line of barbed wire dental floss with the marketing slogan "think you're tough enough?"

  51. go to church wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "a hard man is good to find"

  52. start a new airline called clown air, where the stewardesses are all professional clowns and in-flight pranks like whoopie cushions under seat cushions are the order of the day

  53. whenever you go out drinking with friends, proclaim in a loud voice "let's inseminate this fragile city!"

  54. convince american idol to devote an entire season to finding the person who sings best while gargling

  55. self-publish a revisionist science book called seduction habits of the mesozoic 

  56. send you kid to school wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "be cool, poop in the pool"

  57. start giving people highly inappropriate compliments:

  58. "you have the cutest pair of pygmy ears i've ever seen!"​

  59. "i hear you have a beautiful circumcision. do you mind telling me who did your bris?"

  60. start showing up at random protest events carrying signs with absurdist slogans: "home the armless" 

  61. "that's some seriously impressive steel dick grip"

  62. "you have the best twitter shame posts i've ever seen, mind if i borrow some of them to make people in my feed feel bad?"

  63. open a restaurant called musical chairs where the diners and the waitstaff must swap places when the grand master of ceremonies claps their hands

  64. open a soup canteen called slurp where slurping one's food is encouraged

  65. manufacture a line of coin-operated lifeboats for cruise ships. once they're in the water, passengers must feed a quarter into the slot every 15 minutes to keep it from deflating and sinking

  66. approach random men on the street and say "hey there, i didn't recognize you without your handbag"

  67. invite all your single female friends over for a "crone soiree"

  68. found a hip tech company and only hire people who live in tree houses

  69. start gossiping in an absurdist way about people: "i hear she earholed her way to that job" "they don't call him cabbage eyes charlie for nothing, you know" "i hear she does it sideways in her dog house" "he thinks he's the fruehauffian ostinato heard 'round the world" "i hear he's hyper thick on the diddle quick" "she looked like she might be a hat check clerk at an ice skating rink, which in fact she turned out to be" "at the warehouse with lucy earlobe, he was acting the fool"

  70. form a band called mansplainer where all the song lyrics are mansplaining basic things to women

  71. start whispering in a conspiratorial tone to the stranger next to you on the crowded subway car "are you synchronic with the mnemonic?"

  72. next time you walk into the gym, start flexing and brag out loud "i'm gonna poop scoop all over this bittershine"

  73. say goodbye to people with the phrase "long may you soar with wings of mayonnaise held aloft"

  74. rise to upper management and insist on replacing the chairs in your office with toilets. welcome people into your office with "take a seat or take a shit, it's all good."

  75. convince the olympic committee to recognize underwater whistling as an olympic event

  76. wake up one morning floored by the realization that you can only find happiness by farting into people's mailboxes

  77. become the editor of a major newspaper and hire a sociopath to begin a weekly advice column called ask a sociopath

  78. open a bar called whiskey bonk where patrons bonk one another over the head after a few shots of whiskey

  79. the next time someone at work asks you for a favor, reply with "i'm no inflatable volunteer!"

  80. inherit a fortune then squander it on trying to invent flame-proof ice cream cones

  81. start a social media app that caters to people who like to fart in the bath

  82. convince your co-workers to form a vaudevillian variety troupe with you called frankie crisco's bomb lawyer circus

  83. try to convince your mechanic that your car needs an apple-oscillator-orange fix

  84. walk into a single's bar and announce "i'mma blanket these wetlands in a sea of snot-green spooge"

  85. start insisting that october is bacon-awareness month

  86. start hosting hair swapping parties where guests chop off all their hair and swap it with other guests. for that month until the next party, you and your friends are all walking around wearing one another's hair.

  87. open a bar called the imposition where strangers are encouraged to impose on one another by asking time-consuming favors

  88. start complimenting strangers on the street on the "mystic trouser vibes"

  89. change your linkedin title to "daff-a-ding perpetual motion machine"

  90. somehow manage to trigger wwiii during your gender-reveal party

  91. walk into your local new age store and ask where you can find north star quark dust

  92. convert a fleet of old wwii u-boats into "u2-boats" that you use to ferry people to and from u2 concerts

  93. convince your town's mayor to organize a hot dog regurgitation contest

  94. form professional modern dance troupe where the one rule is you must all eat beans an hour before each performance

  95. tell your boss that you need to take a week off to catch up on shoring up dookeyshines

  96. become an edgy life coach and proclaim things like "dying is the ultimate productivity hack"

  97. join a dating app and choose "don't fool yourself girl, it's going straight in your poop chute" as your catchphrase

  98. whenever you're impressed by something, exclaim "that's a real kidney shitpepper!"

  99. start telling your friends that their new baby has "oochie coochie gas face"

  100. market a natural cleaning product with the slogan "no more 17th-century pirate odors!"

  101. start calling the wives of all your adult friends asking if their husbands can come over to play

  102. become a talk therapist for animals

  103. when someone annoys you, mutter "you keep that up and i'll grab you by the hair of your magpie scruff"

  104. open a ice cream parlor dedicated to discomfort, where you offer toppings like tin foil

  105. start describing yourself as "post-pre-pubescent"

  106. take the idea of a ham radio literally, and install electronics and a speaker inside a giant slab of ham

  107. start complimenting your boss on their "crispy surveillance technique"

  108. change your linkedin description to "in the soup but not of the soup"

  109. market a line of candy called recyclemints - customers are supposed to suck half of them, then put them back in the wrapper and drop them off in special drop boxes, where they are placed back on store shelves for re-use

  110. become a pop star for babies called lady gaga-googoo and write all your lyrics as baby babble

  111. invent a recipe for gonk-infused skronk

  112. turn to the stranger next to you in the bar and say "recycle me like a box"

  113. seek out discarded facemasks in the filthiest of places like bus station bathroom floors and wear them for weeks on end

  114. convince your family to put "cool story, bro" on your tombstone when you die

  115. when shopping for a used car, ask each salesperson "how's the mouthfeel on this one?"

  116. whenever you are asked for advice, always reply with "have you considered crab-clawing the gavel frond?"

  117. whenever you're on a first date, lead with the question "so, are you one of those footprint people?"

  118. convince a group of friends to help you call bomb 911 hotlines with ghost sightings, telling the operator you thought this was the ghostbusters hotline

  119. push a software update to the line of sony robot dogs that makes them urinate on the carpet

  120. market a line of lysol air spray that is a mix of lemon scent and defecation

  121. market a line of frozen donkey burgers with the marketing slogan "they taste like ass"

  122. undergo elective surgery to have your nostrils transferred to your armpits

  123. develop a new saturday morning cartoon character called geronimo jockstrap

  124. market a health product called gargoyle oil

  125. convince the national weather service to start issuing hovercraft advisories

  126. market an electroclash cleaning product called grimes

  127. walk into a committee job interview and immediately ask "so who's the mouse in this house?"

  128. market a line of makeup for animals

  129. form a moving company called two men and a toy truck where you both show up on moving day pedaling a small toy truck

  130. market a food product called sid's body sauce

  131. start calling strangers "febrile carrot creeps"

  132. market a line of fruit-scented tampons called strawberry cooch

  133. market a steroid-drenched cologne for men called 'roid rage

  134. outfit your car with a massively loud stereo system, then drive slowly through suburban neighborhoods blasting tape loops of a baby crying

  135. start asking strangers on the street "so, is anything coming out yet?"

  136. next time your co-workers ask if you're busy, reply with "i'm up to my eyeballs jackrabbiting for constantines"

  137. begin hosting "uneasy listening parties" where you invite your friends over to listen to the strangest records ever made

  138. offer designer acne scars in the shape of constellations

  139. start a podcast where you interview single white men in their 40s about their record collections

  140. start a food truck that specializes in vesuvian hork meat

  141. join a dating app and list "potting the brown after the pink" as one of your hobbies

  142. make it your year-long mission to watch the entire series of friends but only in 30-second segments at a time

  143. convince yourself that your farts are radio wave echoes from long dead stars

  144. convince the producers of game of thrones to have one battle sequence be entirely done by larp nerds

  145. start referring to martha's vinyard as migrant's vinyard

  146. host a prank show called oh no i fell in again!

  147. develop a dating app for scarecrows

  148. convince conde nost to commission the world's most famous artists to create one-of-a-kind artworks on toilet paper rolls that are then sold in grocery stores, hidden in random packs

  149. convince architects to refer to inner-city housing as "large negro storage blocks"

  150. host a new whisper talk show called don't wake him where host and guest attempt to have a conversation without waking the sleeping co-host in the next chair

  151. complain that you think you're going to ambivilanticize yourself to death

  152. begin spending more and more time daydreaming about how to fall down the stairs

  153. next time you want to insult someone, call them a "felderberg moop cropper"

  154. launch a fleet of cruise ships where the passengers must row the ship themselves

  155. start the trend of discomfort salons for woke secretly guilty bourgie bitches, with the first one called zipper catches skin

  156. brag that your nocturnal emissions are carbon-neutral

  157. open a frozen yogurt shop called not another goddamn froyo place

  158. convince hanna barbera to produce a reboot of scooby doo cartoon where they go around to american schools, foiling school shootings before they happen 

  159. convince the director of the next avengers movie to only feature the avengers in the first 10-minute battle scene...after that the camera catches a background extra who is serving hotdogs on the street. the camera stays with him over the next 2.5hrs as he stands behind his hotdog cart. it is the higest-grossing superhero movie in history and ushers in a new trend of devoting the majority of these films to random background extras.

  160. start telling your friends that you've finally rid your house of "man smell"

  161. convince america's shopping malls to install vomitoriums next to the food court

  162. market a hygeine product called halifax breath fog

  163. host a hollywood talk show called spoiler alert! where celeb guests come on and spoil the endings of their upcoming movies

  164. devote the rest of your life to convincing the thing that does the one thing to be the thing that does the other thing

  165. open a restaurant called gerber's that serves baby food and pre-chewed food for adults

  166. market a line of frozen food for wimps called frozen dinner weenies "for wusses and wimps everywhere"

  167. start a limb removal service where you travel to client homes and remove their limbs

  168. convince the networks to do a reboot of roots starring will ferrell as kunta kinte

  169. when you walk into your friend's brand-new house, start loudly complaining of "heavy petting odor"

  170. open a food truck that specializes in liquified squirrel

  171. put a bumper sticker on your car that reads "diamonds may be space butter" and another that reads "honk if you twink"

  172. market a line of cheddar-cheese based clothing with the slogan "put some cheddar on your chest"

  173. open an etsy online store to sell products that don't yet exist like franconian wimple bats

  174. start describing your work commute as a "monday morning perm snatcher"

  175. startle those around you by exclaiming "i've had it up to here with 14th-century dandruff!"

  176. open a cemetery called dirtnap acres

  177. become convinced that "harcourt rump fluffer" is the most potent put down ever invented

  178. when asked in an interview what you'd bring to the job, reply with "a lateral drench of comedic honesty"

  179. give someone a backhanded compliment by telling them they are "the architect of narcoplepsy"

  180. market a line of deodorants inspired by unpleasant body scents: week-old jockstrap, brown trouser trace deposit, deep yawn halitosis, cabbage windy waft

  181. start a variant of the early morning newspaper route where neighborhood kids deliver pornography to people's driveways

  182. open a bar called hootchie coochie coo where strangers are expected to tickle one another

  183. take up a new hobby of eating wet sandwhiches off of the sidewalk

  184. start hanging around with a clipboard outside the company bathroom and ask people "how was it?" when they come out, and then pretend to take notes when they reply

  185. open a restaurant called aarf! that serves dog food for human consumption

  186. host a talkshow called micturatin' with sal where the interviews take place in public restrooms while host and guest alike relieve themselves

  187. walk into a mattress store and ask to sample their finest queenly soporifics

  188. market a meat seasoning product called mephisto's all-over donkey rub

  189. form an indie porn band called wet knob 

  190. start a social media photo sharing platform called mammogram for women to post mammogram selfies

  191. argue to anyone who will listen that tilda swinton and cate blanchet are the same person

  192. convince aging hip hop and soul stars to re-record their hits for an older demographic:

    • baby got back (problems)​

    • you gotta fight for your right to play bingo

    • license to get chronically ill

    • no soiling oneself on the dancefloor

    • when a man can't remember he loves a woman

  193. quit your job to devote more time to writing steven seagal fan fiction, self-publishing titles like no good time to die

  194. form a joke mashup band called florence foster jenkins and the machine

  195. stage a finger puppet production of marquis de sade's justine for the kids in your neighborhood

  196. market a line of frozen asian foods made by prisoners in solitary confinement called stir crazy stir fry

  197. start a shadowy tech company called integrated facial dystopics

  198. form a video game themed soul band called earth wii and fire

  199. record a cover the ac/dc classic album updated for the modern age: highway to climate hell

  200. invent a cooking product called inflatable chud butter

  201. open a radical feminist french restaurant called la queef: "celebrating all aspects of the female experience"

  202. open a innovative new bagel franchise called bagel and a bris

  203. become the manager of an infant boy band where the members are each between one and three years old: the backstreet diaper boys

  204. invent a recipe for electrified quince

  205. market a line of sylvester stallone rambo "first blood" tampons to teenage girls

  206. start a home repair company called jc blunder and son "when you want it done right the third time"

  207. approach random people at bars and say "dwarf me, bro"

  208. convince disney to open a dystopic theme park with rides the depict a climate-change ravaged america

  209. form a series super self-conscious literary indie bands:

    • everything but the girl, interrupted

    • girls gone wild, interrupted

    • girlfriend in a coma, interrupted

    • girfriend in a food coma, interrupted

  210. form a band called band of karens and spend your entire set complaining loudly about the club's lighting and p.a. 

  211. start crashing weddings with the goal of cutting the wedding cake before the bride and groom 

  212. found a pre-911 wtc themed suburb called the twin towers

  213. start sliding anonymous notes under the office doors of your co-workers that read "i know what you did"

  214. start a feces home delivery service called hello flush!

  215. open a summer camp called camp bedwet for kids who still piss their bed

  216. become the producer of a reality competition show called danzig with the stars where washed up celebs must jam along with glen danzig for a panel of celeb judges

  217. invent a bamboo telephone that only receives phone calls from manga fans in shanghai

  218. form a kids clothing company called lilo & abercrombie & fitch

  219. organize a draft dodger'ss parade to take place the same day as the veteran's day parade

  220. stroll into your local department store and ask where you can find the imported japanese fitness mustaches

  221. ask your gym trainer to give you almond legs in time for the summer 

  222. ask your dentist to outfit you with rotational impact teeth

  223. invent a new file size descriptor called magabytes that specifically identifies the file size of files byright-wing crackpots

  224. publish a self-help book called how to clean your clock that provides readers with advice on knocking themselves out

  225. start boasting for all to hear that you're "gonna make this scene like shel silverstein at a playboy mansion party"

  226. start threatening strangers on the street with threats like "clean your clam or i'll clean your clock"

  227. invent a line of coin-operated lifeboats that require a quarter every hour or they begin to leak

  228. form an indy party band just for the next coachella called my chemical bromance

  229. convince benedict cumberbatch to change his last name to cumberbund

  230. popularize the trend of tombstones that read "cool story, bro"

  231. convince electroclash musician peaches to partner with houghton mifflin to publish a highschool textbook series called the teaches of peaches

  232. as your answer to national coming out day, institute national going away day

  233. outfit you car with a massive sound system then drive around late at night through suburban neighborhoods playing a tape loop of babies crying

  234. convince al pacino to change his last name to pinocchio

  235. become a pop star for babies and call yourself lady gaga googoo

  236. convince the weather channel to begin publishing hovercraft weather advisories

  237. start a podcast where you interview unmarried 40-something men and ask them about their vinyl/comic/action figure collection

  238. open a food truck that specializes in serving vesuvian honk meat

  239. complain to your doctor that you think you've got mitochloridians in your unobtanium

  240. found a line of viking -hemed cruiseships where the passengers have to row the ship themselves

  241. produce a talk show called don't wake him where the host and the guests try to have whispered conversation without waking up the hosts dozing father in the adjacent chair

  242. publish the orthogonal scrump cookbook

  243. convince paul mccartney to retitle across the universe as across the multiverse

  244. start asking strangers "you're not one of those footprint people, are you?"

  245. market a line of frozen donkey burgers with the slogan "they taste like ass"

  246. convince will ferrel to star as kunta kinta in a reboot of roots

  247. open a fancy day spa dedicated to discomfort called zipper catches skin

  248. market a steroid-drenched cologne for men called 'roid rage

  249. self-publish a travel memoir titled under a mustachioed sky

  250. publish a memoir called going camping with a frog on my knee

  251. publish a relationship advice book called how to make love like a moray eel

  252. convince the kids on your block to dress as school shooting victims for halloween

  253. market a line of octopus blankets

  254. market a frozen treat called hazmat pops with the tag line "your first lick could be your last"

  255. approach strangers at singles bars and say "lemme put my wookie in yer cookie"

  256. convince mtv to air a reality show called gimp my ride where trend-seeking participants pay hip auto shops to fuck up their cars in creative ways

  257. host a hollywood talk show called spoiler alert where celebrity hosts come on and give away the ending of their upcoming movies

  258. convince your college to allow you to major in the fictitious study of heterodoxicality

  259. open an chain of casual eateries whose names combine food and body parts: sandwich nostril, bagel elbow, pasta earlobe, neck fruit

  260. start writing a blog devoted to ferris wheel etiquette

  261. create an online platform for embezzlement called godefraudme

  262. become lead photographer and stylist for a victorian-era porn site called chamberpot cuties

  263. market a line of viagra-infused hard ciders aimed called woody's hard cider where the logo is a winking woodpecker

  264. form an angular new wave funk band caled kool & the gang of four

  265. market a snack food called fuckems. "the zero bullshit zesty cheddar snack for people who can't even"

  266. hand out "honk if you shagged jesus" bumper stickers to people as they leave church each sunday

  267. convince all the musicians you know to collaborate with you on the tone loc retirement album project, with songs like frumpy old medina and nursing home wild thing

  268. pitch your idea for a reality show called real houseflies of beverly hills

  269. open a severely hip eatery for ocd aesthetes and call it fastidious membrane

  270. market a cooking produce called hamburglar helper that helps you locate good nearby locations to steal hamburgers

  271. start approaching ethnic women in the street and saying "let me breathe on your leg, bearded lady"

  272. start describing yourself as a "high-altitude inflatable threat"

  273. market a line of militantly christian snack foods: old testament judgment poppers, the ten flavored cheddar commandments

  274. open a franchise of roman-themed vomitoriums located inside shopping mall food courts, call it feather

  275. open a fitness gym for little kids called fitness baby with the slogan "getting ripped begins in the womb"

  276. form a country western radiohead cover band called rodeohead

  277. tell your girlfriend that her labia reminds you of a spent piece of dried-up chewing gum that you once saw on a lamppost in 7th grade

  278. open a single's bar called fat willy's reproduction clinic

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