1001 bad ideas for the new millennium

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1. start your own business as a hipster divorce photographer, where you take trendy filtered photos of tatted hipster couples getting divorces in rustic natural locations like in the middle of fields or on cliffs overlooking the ocean. name your business untie the knot photography and give gushing virtue-signalling interviews for social media about the beauty and authenticity of helping your clients "rediscover their unique selves while helping them practice mindfulness and self-care."

2. start referring to all the women you know as "baby-making apparatus"

3. launch a whodunit? cruise ship called the agatha christie, where on each cruise one passenger is chosen at random to be murdered and another is chosen to be the killer, with the ship's resident detective tasked with solving the murder while the cruise is still in progress. despite the mortal risk, passengers continue to eagerly sign up.

4. open an artisinal roadkill eatery called pith & possum

5. market a line of untested natural health products that have unexpected side effects, call it nature's mutiny and create ads that show moss and fungi sprouting from people's skin

6. start referring to all wealthy young adults as "bitcoin douchebags"

7. become an undergrad poetry professor at a small liberal arts college and publish a poetry collection called kiss me where the sun don't shine: collected poems

8. start wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "kiss me, i'm spanglish!"

9. market a product called trump extract that promises to give users the brazenly powerful chutzpah of donald trump. the small print states "while we cannot guarantee our product will grant you success in your endeavors, it will turn heads when family, friends, and co-workers notice your balls-out, take-charge new attitude"

10. move to berkely, ca, change your name to blazes o'moynahan and model your look after the archetype of a 19th-century boxer, while challenging the townsfolk to public boxing matches

11. publish a cookbook of recipes for outer space debris titled fell to earth. recipes include fried comet and cajun-blackened satellite.

12. marry a person largely on the basis of their twitter feed, then divorce them on the basis of their instagram feed

13. convince the ceo of hooter's to help bankroll a private manned mission to mars under the condition that the first inhabitable structure on the planet is a hooter's restaurant

14. name your first child leviathan 1.0

15. spend five years of your life taking photos of every public bathroom stall in america, then publish the highlights in a coffee table photobook called shitter: the hidden heart and soul of america

16. market a line of hp lovecraft-inspired sex toys: the deep deep deep ones, cthulube, etc

17. spend a month where you only speak in the russian-influenced argot nadsat as popularized in the burgess novel a clockwork orange: "viddy viddy kino snatch, my droogies?" and so on

18. convince acclaimed documentary filmmaker errol morris to make a documentary about the teletubbies, which damages his credibility among film critics. he never forgives you and in later years states, "i must have taken leave of my senses."

19. quit your job and take out a loan to open a rustic b&b called queef creek lodge

20. form a beatles cover band but try to pass the material off as being originals: "here's a little number we wrote last week. our first time tonight playing it before a live audience. it's called 'i wanna hold your hand'"

21. in an ill-advised, tone-deaf attempt to help america heal its divisions, form a band called fine people on both sides and write songs with titles like "we love you. you are very special."

22. get a job writing ad copy for sex toys in a language that you barely understand: "the pocketed cat toy is very suitable for male masturbation. some sexual desires can not been released for a long time, it is undoubtedly a good choice. it helps your gland stay active and strong. you are more for outstanding in the reality shows with your partner, and also can to let your hands totally free."

23. open a surgery clinic that specializes in transforming patients into their favorite tv character. the lawsuits begin almost immediately.

24. market a line of "science is for democrats" bumper stickers, causing confusion among the left and the right as to what side they are supporting when they put them on their car

25. convince oneamericanewsnetwork and npr to team up on fund drives

26. annoy those around you by asking them riddles that you make up on the spot and that have no answers: "when is a duck not a duck?" and so on. after a few days of this, people stop listening to you

27. market a line of potpourri-scented toilet plungers

28. convince radiohead to let you open for them for their first post-covid concert and spend your entire set reading aloud your boba fett fan fiction

29. spend a decade of your life composing nursery rhymes that sound like a nest of angry bees

30. become head of product development for crayon and convince them to introduce two new color options: used car orange and dirty needle brown

31. adopt a series of increasingly elaborate facial tics simply out of boredom

32. form a right-wing 80s hair metal band called quiet capitol riot and name your beach house führer's roost

33. open a franchise of bull fighting summer camps for kids in america's most liberal cities

34. open a gym where chocolate cake is served in all cycling classes

35. convince martin scorsese to direct an animated pokemon sex comedy

36. move to australia and become a militant woke boxer named knuckles queerbrow

37. convince nasa to fund you billions of dollars to build a series of early warning detection stations around the world to detect incoming farts before they occur. in your pitch, you somehow convinced the right people that one day "the big one" could hit, rendering life on earth "uninhabitable for centuries."

38. run for potus on the platform of putting a preservation hall jazz band in every garage or spare room. "no american tax paying family shall do without!"

39. manage a punk band of angry short janitors called knee-high custodial fist

40. declare to your team during a tuesday morning meeting that today is "taco titty tuesday" as you lift your shirt, where flattened tacos are crammed into your bra

41. quit your job, move to hollywood, and pitch a gonzo reality prank show called christ, i hope it's not poop

42. convince u2 to change their name to #youtoo

43. form an 80's supergroup amalgam called the wrecking 2 live motley crew

44. market a line of frigid/unpleasant sex toys:

    • the chastity box

    • the icicle glove

    • the not tonight dear, i have a headache

    • the obligatory marital birthday handjob ("sighs and looks at its watch if you take longer than two minutes to finish")

45. launch an erotic version of linkedin called kinkedin  "where the sexed up go to further their careers"

46. become editor of playboy magazine and commission woke pictorials like the women of #blm and the women of #metoo

47. develop a tv series that is a scatologically-minded reboot of the office called the orifice

48. form a "coffee and syphilis" meetup group just for kicks to see who signs up

49. form an all-star band of covid-positive rock stars called superspreader

50. a sky diving school for narcoleptics

51. become a white supremacist dj called 2proudboy and play republican events where you sample speeches from the likes of hitler, david dukes, richard spencer, and mussolini and set them to a beat

52. begin self identifying as a ufo and insist that your employer and the government recognize you as such

53. open a butcher shop called lopped off, with the store sign showing a bloody meat cleaver

54. open a chain of grocery stores for preteens called harris tweener

55. an alvin & the chipmunks themed episode of american idol

56. market a line of artisanal meat-infused water drinks: sausage springs life water

57. sell a line of beers called dark mushroom, with the slogan "fancy a bit of the fungi?"

58. market a line of lingerie for corpses called coffin panties

59. become a burlesque performer named dita von taze who electrocutes her audience

60. market an ambiguous sandwich called country honk to truckstops and gas stations

61. form a polite white yacht funk band called van ordinaire and the meretricious dongs

62. make it your life's work to stage a noh theater adaptation of the latest baywatch movie

63. try to convince people that there is such a thing as the endangered feces act

64. market a line of lgbtq+-themed handguns and rifles

65. begin posting non-sensical notification signs in outdoor public areas:
    "no shalegagging allowed"​
    "absolutely no mock turtles beyond this point!"
    "sorry, fresh out of bunnyvale thrizzlerifters"

66. develop a line of emojis that depict the facial expressions of nerve gas attack victims

67. launch a tiktok channel for morticians called death streaming

68. make a tape loop of a baby crying then play it loudly on repeat on a boombox. put the boombox in a filthy dumpster and film people as they climb in to "rescue the baby," then upload the vids to youtube.

69. develop the habit of saying things like this on first dates:
    "imagine if the nazis had had instagram"
    "guess how long i was breast fed as a child!"
    "after dinner, would you show me your vestigial tail?"

70. open a vice summer camp for kids, an intensive 8-week long camp where skills like cyberbullying, porn downloading, underage drinking, vandalism, and drug use are taught. proudly proclaim your "success rate" of 94% of camp graduates who end up in juvie within 6 months of graduation.

71. write a coming of age children's memoir with lines like "In 3rd grade, I liked funyuns so much I would have eaten them straight out of satan's asshole"

72. market a line of caramel mucus hard candies called throat butter. marketing slogan: "you coughed it up. we wrapped it in a sweet hard sugar shell and sold it right back to you."

73. market a snack food called fruited wombat clusters

74. start saying things like "it's 2021 and i'm totally racist against racism" in the hopes of ingratiating yourself among young people

75. become an influential food critic and convince people that skunk sauce is going to be the next big thing

76. on a whim, fly to haiti and attempt to install yourself as interim president

77. record a remake of the allman brothers band classic eat a peach but reimagined for a meaner america. call it eat a dick.

78. convince radiohead and u2 to play a series of concerts together with the catch that each band performs the other's songs

79. become a senior manager at hallmark and convince them to market a line of "it's your own damn fault" sympathy cards to unvaccinated victims of covid

80. open an embalming summer camp for kids

81. buy a german sheppard and name it götterdämmerung

82. market an ambiguous luxury product called ultra gold: pure shit

83. market a line of gourmet ice cream named after bowel movements:

    • chocolate triple flush slush​

    • corn floaters

    • coiled cranky anaconda

    • dank dark broth

84. market a line of gourmet seasonings called fried gorgon paste

85. mcdonald's markets a line of workplace sexual harassment happy meals, called the #metoomeal. they come with plastic action figures of harvey weinstein and rose mcgowan, so kids can have them battle it out while eating. 

86. develop a puzzle toy called rubik's pubes, where you try to untangle a thick patch of elderly pubic hair, six shades of grey

87. produce a mean-spirited children's prank show called stomp conkers, where mean kids take delight in fucking people up

88. start a faux lifestyle magazine called trundled, where the focus is on beautiful photos of rickety distressed wheeled furniture

89. self-publish an illustrated children's book promoting female circumcision called sally's snip

90. market an energy drink for virile rednecks called guzzle gizzard

91. market a gourmet beverage called aquarium broth "now with 14% more fish piss"

92. convince great thunberg to record a cover of madonna's "vogue" rewritten around themes of environmental collapse. the video shows her modeling a variety of burlap sacks and ragamuffin outfits, standing in the middle of flooded city streets or arid deserts, doing a variety of dance moves that involve wagging her finger sternly at the viewer. 

93. develop a brand of condoms for necrophiliacs called corpse ticklers. tagline: "they won't even know the difference"

94. convince weird al jankovic to do a cover of madonna's papa don't preach but make it be about the dangers of piracy and file sharing: "papa don't leech, i'm in trouble deep. but i made up my mind and i'm keeping my downloads. gonna keep my downloads."

95. come to work on your first day as a 6th grade teacher wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "my boyfriend's wife hates me"

96. spend millions developing and marketing a gourmet condiment called culpepper's armpit sauce

97. popularize a new workout trend: fog jogging. people running in near zero visibility conditions, colliding with lampposts, trash cans, and one another. market a line of grey workout clothes that make it even harder to be seen, further increasing the chance of collisions with others.

98. the next time a co-worker casually asks you how you're doing, reply with "i'm festooned with hot doomswaddle and victory snot. how 'bout you?"

99. open a fast food restaurant called michael stipe's, where all the meal names and descriptions are written in an unintelligble mumble. one marketing slogan would be "pretty sure it's vegan" and playing in a band would be one requirement for employment.

100. publish a children's book franchise called limony snicket and act surprised when you are sued

101. prank stores by putting signs in places the cashier won't notice that read "thank you for shoplifting with us today"

102. in line at the grocery store, start accusing the guy in front of you of impregnating sharks

103. attempt to convince people that "pissing white woman syndrome," where the media devotes extensive coverage when a white woman urinates in public, while ignoring the same behavior from people of color, is a thing and should be called out

104. spend a month of your life replying to every single spam email you get, clicking every link, and signing up for every service

105. convince wes anderson to direct a series of vomcoms: comedies that feature a lot of scenes of people throwing up

106. develop a line of cabbage-scented air freshener products called just one whiff

107. start readying ulysses to your kids as a bedtime story

108. begin giving your co-workers bizarre, unflattering nicknames:

     • teddy "sewer apples" jackson

     • susan "bird tooth" jones

     • mike "you fucking people make me sick" davis

     • donny "viral cryworker" perkins

     • molly "divorce oil" bloom

     • trip "pancake cocaine bridge" sweeney

     • robert "fellatio turtle" welliver

     • benji "soccer mump" sanford

     • trixie "plantation selfie" partridge

     • brad "el dorado athletic cup" perkins

     • ethan "gob ringer" st. john 

     • stevie "plumber crack" nicks

     • elizabeth "waddlecomb" miller

     • ansel "rumble pants" nunez

     • grover "cheese teeth" wayland

     • jonathan "shiny batchain puller" jackson

     • tobiath "nose taster" wilcox

     • pete "dusty underwear pebbles" bateman

     • christy "pop culture hellscape" abbot

     • stanley "buttock peaches" lowery

     • frank "fingersauce" williams

     • enid "guacamole eyes" barrington

     • john "my lungs are obsolete" peterson

     • pete "molasses face" von blondie

     • richard "sugar britches" jackson

     • deacon "panywaist" o'dell

     • pappy "stonkclaw" lerouyx

     • oscar "puss britches" stalingrad

     • brittany "auschwitz selfie" gordon

109. found a charter school where each class has an appointed class clown: a student chosen at the random on the first day, who must wear a clown costume while in class for the entire year​

110. market a sex product for nerds called rubik's lube

111. release an album of old timey murder ballads called i'm not the killing kind

112. become ceo of hallmark's and convince them to release a line of greeting cards celebrating the deaths of unvaccinated republicans. sample card: ain't darwin's law a bitch?

113. somehow convince mcdonald's to release a shakespeare-themed meal called the mcbeth

114. convince npr to begin broadcasting a game show called wait, wait, don't cancel me! where celebrity contestants try to backpedal on culturally insensitive tweets they've made, and the audience votes on whether or not to culturally cancel them

115. greenlight two mime-centric crime shows: msi: mime scene investigations and mimeami vice

116. open a flower store that specializes in "reparation bouquets" for unconscionable acts and violent crimes. popular bouquets include:

• "my bad for the dui hit and run" tulip arrangement

• "so sorry about the home invasion/aggravated assault" rose assortment

• "sincere apologies for 370 years of slavery" spring arrangement

• "on behalf of the board, our company's heartfelt apologies for poisoning your community's water supply" 

1. found a meditation group where the focus is on complaining and meditating on personal grievances

2. start a new online trend of people replacing their middle names with celebrity names: 

• peter brad pitt wilcox

• buddy david foster wallace sanchez

• sergio jennifer aniston porter

1. open a social club called club catheter, with the marketing line "where relief is always at hand"​

2. release an album of star wars-themed jazz standards: the droid from ipanema, deathstars fell on alabama, stella by deathstar light

3. produce a tv gameshow where contestants have to guess what food a person ate by the smell of their farts. special odor-enabled tv enhancements are available for purchase by the home viewing audience.

4. open the museum of farts, with scratch and sniff panels and listening booths, and a global mapping that describes how farts differ from culture to culture and over the centuries

5. mortage your house to fund the production of claymation porno films

6. market a line of relaxation candles called the guantanamo collection

7. develop a line of fart-scented potpourri called the smelt it>dealt it collection

8. become a game show producer and risk your career with the production of a game show where contestants try to correctly guess the food a person ate by the odor of their farts. for the home viewing audiences, scent misting devices can be purchased that attach to the tv, enabling them to guess as well.

9. convince disney to unveil a new ride called fart mountain, where ride goers ride in carts in the shape of beans and pass through clouds of noxious sulphuric gas and get jostled by immense rumbles

10. start calling your boss "big softy" behind their back

11. develop a new strain of flowers that smell like farts, then convince flower stores to sell arrangements of them: the sbd collection. people begin buying them to send them to people they dislike.

12. write a country western pop song about the unowned self-loathing of the midwestern american male called take a dump on me

13. produce a teen sex comedy about the erotic misuse of kitchen cookware called american pyrex

14. reboot the girls gone wild franchise but have it be footage of girls reverted to a feral, tribal lord of the flies state, all savagery and primitivism as they wreak havoc across the abandoned strip malls of america

15. launch a lovecraftian porn site called eldritchpussy.com

16. publish a book called the wisdom of right-wing crowds that is nothing but blank pages

17. convince amazon to stock adolf hitler's mein kampf and list it in the christian books and bibles section

18. open a boutique store called arms and ears, which specializes in fancy accessories only for arms and ears, and then open a spinoff store called big toe

19. hang out in singles bars and say things like "i love it when rape becomes consensual" to people you've just met

20. convince the editors of the chicago manual of style to include a section on emoji usage

21. convince netflix to offer a special "hate watching" subscription plan where its algorithm recommends shows that it determines you will hate, and you pay a lower monthly fee if you binge watch the programs in 8-hour stretches and leave scathing reviews

22. start telling young people "the bitcoin stops here" when you want to sound like you're running the show

23. found an architectural firm whose stated goal is designing homes that slowly instill madness in their occupants. call it eldritch builders and market yourselves as such. immediately attract "edgy" high-profile clients like trent reznor and marilyn manson. cite the suicide rate increase in long-term occupants of your homes. 

24. convince the john deere company to introduce a jurrassic park-themed farm vehicle: the velocitractor

25. develop a line of fungi-filled lunch products for kids called fungibles. "puts the fun in fungus!"

26. convince your wife she suffers from a rare form of sleep sickness called sleep twerking, where she sleep twerks in the middle of the night

27. open a craft beer brewery where all the beers are named after serial killers

28. convince the heinz company to release a product called heinz 69 sauce, where the bottle has a nozzle at both ends

29. convince dodge to name its next truck the dodge phallus and produce a commercial that's footage of the truck mixed with a montage of guns, red meat, american flags, and erect phalluses

30. convince hasbro to market a wind-up doll zen monk action figure that does nothing when you wind it up, as well as a social justice warrior to their line of g.i. joe action figures

31. open a tattoo parlor that specializes in sub-dermal tattoos

32. open a flower store that specializes in schadenfreude bouquets. customers send the it couldn't happen to a nicer person arrangement when they wish to celebrate the misfortune of someone they dislike. 

33. start a company that provides cosplay services to household pets: the harry potter housecat, the star wars chihuahua

34. devote your entire life to trying to popularize bizarre meaningless times of the day you've made up:

    • half past jackson​

    • schweefifteen

    • tremorous o'clock

35. open a library that only stocks tragic literature and call it the crybrary​

36. open a styling salon called armpit where the speciality is the styling of armpit hair. it catches on and attractive instagram-ready women begin growing their armpit hair so they can style it in increasingly elaborate ways.

37. open a pet store called vermin where the specialty is selling fleas, ticks, lice, and bedbugs as adoptable pets

38. write a children's book about a blind seeing eye dog that is constantly leading its owner into hazardous situations: clifford the big blind seeing eye dog, then write another about a ghost that's addicted to social media: casper the friend me ghost

39. plan several festivals that are perversly ill-advised: 

    • the eruption music festival, held directly below an active volcano​

    • methane fest 2022, which celebrates global warming. thousands of cows are shipped the event.

    • cancel fest 2022, where those who've been notably culturally cancelled gather to party down and collectively celebrate their newfound cultural irrelevance

40. convince george lucas to allow you to use the star wars license in making your live action star wars film where all the actors are turtles​

41. convince disney to release a nine hour art movie called dortmunder shaves his pubes

42. open a restaurant called spilled milk, where all the waitstaff is exceedingly clumsy. you soon attract a customer base of people who thrive on chaos. 

43. attempt to popularize the trend of "used food" - food that hasn't already been eaten per se, but has been kicked around a bit and rendered little worse for wear:

    • used ice cream that's melted a little bit, been swirled around in a bowl, then put back inside the container

    • used potato chips that have been taken out of the bag and had much of the surface seasonings stuck to someone's fingers, then put back into the bag

    • used pasta that's been rolled around already on someone's fork

    • used sushi, where a few pieces are slightly mangled from having been handled by someone who couldn't use chopsticks

44. convince ralph lauren to release a line of dorito's scented men's cologne and ben & jerry's to release a flavor of cannabis ice cream called munchy madness​

45. get a job writing clickbait that relies upon reader knowledge of 14th-century eastern mystics

46. become an albino whitney houston impersonator and call yourself whitey houston

47. attempt to popularize the practice of adopting "rescue" scorpions

48. open a porcupine petting zoo

49. convince the producers of american idol to devote an entire season to mime performances

50. form an incompetent bangles cover band called the bungles

51. start pranking bird watchers by flying a drone around that looks like an extinct bird 

52. convince daniel day lewis to star in a movie about jewish rappers fighting nazis, called the beastie boys from brazil

53. try to popularize the halloween trend of haunted whorehouses

54. form an incompetent bangles cover band called the bungles, then form a dyslexic go-go's cover band called the og-og's

55. create a feminist comic book hero called the cunted emasuclator

56. greenlight a kid's prank tv show called fart factory

57. open a surrealist restaurant and serve absurdist dishes:

    • venusian quarrel fish​

    • pancake peacock gobble pie

    • exquisite toasted corpse

    • spinach wasp omlette

    • fudge parmesan totems

    • moth dumplings

    • tantric whiskey sprouts

    • caramelized fossil 

    • burlap bag of candied licorice lump

58. next time you visit your doctor, ask with a straight face if unimpeded sperm floats to the moon​

59. tell everyone you meet that you're a plagarian, one who only reads plagarized works, and open plagarist press, which only publishes authors who are known plagarists

60. open an eatery called hangdog sandwich co, where all the employees and even the food look harragd and down on their luck