1001 bad ideas for the new millennium

 

 

1. start referring to all wealthy young adults as "bitcoin douchebags"

2. become an undergrad poetry professor at a small liberal arts college and publish a poetry collection called kiss me where the sun don't shine: collected poems

3. start wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "kiss me, i'm spanglish!"

4. market a product called trump extract that promises to give users the brazenly powerful chutzpah of donald trump. the small print states "while we cannot guarantee our product will grant you success in your endeavors, it will turn heads when family, friends, and co-workers notice your balls-out, take-charge new attitude"

5. move to berkely, ca, change your name to blazes o'moynahan and model your look after the archetype of a 19th-century boxer, while challenging the townsfolk to public boxing matches

6. publish a cookbook of recipes for outer space debris titled fell to earth. recipes include fried comet and cajun-blackened satellite.

7. marry a person largely on the basis of their twitter feed, then divorce them on the basis of their instagram feed

8. convince the ceo of hooter's to help bankroll a private manned mission to mars under the condition that the first inhabitable structure on the planet is a hooter's restaurant

9. name your first child leviathan 1.0

10. spend five years of your life taking photos of every public bathroom stall in america, then publish the highlights in a coffee table photobook called shitter: the hidden heart and soul of america

11. market a line of hp lovecraft-inspired sex toys: the deep deep deep ones, cthulube, etc

12. spend a month where you only speak in the russian-influenced argot nadsat as popularized in the burgess novel a clockwork orange: "viddy viddy kino snatch, my droogies?" and so on

13. convince acclaimed documentary filmmaker errol morris to make a documentary about the teletubbies, which damages his credibility among film critics. he never forgives you and in later years states, "i must have taken leave of my senses."

14. quit your job and take out a loan to open a rustic b&b called queef creek lodge

15. form a beatles cover band but try to pass the material off as being originals: "here's a little number we wrote last week. our first time tonight playing it before a live audience. it's called 'i wanna hold your hand'"

16. in an ill-advised, tone-deaf attempt to help america heal its divisions, form a band called fine people on both sides and write songs with titles like "we love you. you are very special."

17. get a job writing ad copy for sex toys in a language that you barely understand: "the pocketed cat toy is very suitable for male masturbation. some sexual desires can not been released for a long time, it is undoubtedly a good choice. it helps your gland stay active and strong. you are more for outstanding in the reality shows with your partner, and also can to let your hands totally free."

18. open a surgery clinic that specializes in transforming patients into their favorite tv character. the lawsuits begin almost immediately.

19. market a line of "science is for democrats" bumper stickers, causing confusion among the left and the right as to what side they are supporting when they put them on their car

20. convince oneamericanewsnetwork and npr to team up on fund drives

21. annoy those around you by asking them riddles that you make up on the spot and that have no answers: "when is a duck not a duck?" and so on. after a few days of this, people stop listening to you

22. market a line of potpourri-scented toilet plungers

23. convince radiohead to let you open for them for their first post-covid concert and spend your entire set reading aloud your boba fett fan fiction

24. spend a decade of your life composing nursery rhymes that sound like a nest of angry bees

25. become head of product development for crayon and convince them to introduce two new color options: used car orange and dirty needle brown

26. adopt a series of increasingly elaborate facial tics simply out of boredom

27. form a right-wing 80s hair metal band called quiet capitol riot and name your beach house führer's roost

28. open a franchise of bull fighting summer camps for kids in america's most liberal cities

29. open a gym where chocolate cake is served in all cycling classes

30. convince martin scorsese to direct an animated pokemon sex comedy

31. move to australia and become a militant woke boxer named knuckles queerbrow

32. convince nasa to fund you billions of dollars to build a series of early warning detection stations around the world to detect incoming farts before they occur. in your pitch, you somehow convinced the right people that one day "the big one" could hit, rendering life on earth "uninhabitable for centuries."

33. run for potus on the platform of putting a preservation hall jazz band in every garage or spare room. "no american tax paying family shall do without!"

34. manage a punk band of angry short janitors called knee-high custodial fist

35. declare to your team during a tuesday morning meeting that today is "taco titty tuesday" as you lift your shirt, where flattened tacos are crammed into your bra

36. quit your job, move to hollywood, and pitch a gonzo reality prank show called christ, i hope it's not poop

37. convince u2 to change their name to #youtoo

38. form an 80's supergroup amalgam called the wrecking 2 live motley crew

39. market a line of frigid/unpleasant sex toys:

    • the chastity box

    • the icicle glove

    • the not tonight dear, i have a headache

    • the obligatory marital birthday handjob ("sighs and looks at its watch if you take longer than two minutes to finish")

40. launch an erotic version of linkedin called kinkedin  "where the sexed up go to further their careers"

41. become editor of playboy magazine and commission woke pictorials like the women of #blm and the women of #metoo

42. develop a tv series that is a scatologically-minded reboot of the office called the orifice

43. form a "coffee and syphilis" meetup group just for kicks to see who signs up

44. form an all-star band of covid-positive rock stars called superspreader

45. a sky diving school for narcoleptics

46. become a white supremacist dj called 2proudboy and play republican events where you sample speeches from the likes of hitler, david dukes, richard spencer, and mussolini and set them to a beat

47. begin self identifying as a ufo and insist that your employer and the government recognize you as such

48. open a butcher shop called lopped off, with the store sign showing a bloody meat cleaver

49. open a chain of grocery stores for preteens called harris tweener

50. an alvin & the chipmunks themed episode of american idol

51. market a line of artisanal meat-infused water drinks: sausage springs life water