1001 bad ideas for the new millennium

 

 

1. start referring to all wealthy young adults as "bitcoin douchebags"

2. become an undergrad poetry professor at a small liberal arts college and publish a poetry collection called kiss me where the sun don't shine: collected poems

3. start wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "kiss me, i'm spanglish!"

4. market a product called trump extract that promises to give users the brazenly powerful chutzpah of donald trump. the small print states "while we cannot guarantee our product will grant you success in your endeavors, it will turn heads when family, friends, and co-workers notice your balls-out, take-charge new attitude"

5. move to berkely, ca, change your name to blazes o'moynahan and model your look after the archetype of a 19th-century boxer, while challenging the townsfolk to public boxing matches

6. publish a cookbook of recipes for outer space debris titled fell to earth. recipes include fried comet and cajun-blackened satellite.

7. marry a person largely on the basis of their twitter feed, then divorce them on the basis of their instagram feed

8. convince the ceo of hooter's to help bankroll a private manned mission to mars under the condition that the first inhabitable structure on the planet is a hooter's restaurant

9. name your first child leviathan 1.0

10. spend five years of your life taking photos of every public bathroom stall in america, then publish the highlights in a coffee table photobook called shitter: the hidden heart and soul of america

11. market a line of hp lovecraft-inspired sex toys: the deep deep deep ones, cthulube, etc

12. spend a month where you only speak in the russian-influenced argot nadsat as popularized in the burgess novel a clockwork orange: "viddy viddy kino snatch, my droogies?" and so on

13. convince acclaimed documentary filmmaker errol morris to make a documentary about the teletubbies, which damages his credibility among film critics. he never forgives you and in later years states, "i must have taken leave of my senses."

14. quit your job and take out a loan to open a rustic b&b called queef creek lodge

15. form a beatles cover band but try to pass the material off as being originals: "here's a little number we wrote last week. our first time tonight playing it before a live audience. it's called 'i wanna hold your hand'"

16. in an ill-advised, tone-deaf attempt to help america heal its divisions, form a band called fine people on both sides and write songs with titles like "we love you. you are very special."

17. get a job writing ad copy for sex toys in a language that you barely understand: "the pocketed cat toy is very suitable for male masturbation. some sexual desires can not been released for a long time, it is undoubtedly a good choice. it helps your gland stay active and strong. you are more for outstanding in the reality shows with your partner, and also can to let your hands totally free."

18. open a surgery clinic that specializes in transforming patients into their favorite tv character. the lawsuits begin almost immediately.

19. market a line of "science is for democrats" bumper stickers, causing confusion among the left and the right as to what side they are supporting when they put them on their car

20. convince oneamericanewsnetwork and npr to team up on fund drives

21. annoy those around you by asking them riddles that you make up on the spot and that have no answers: "when is a duck not a duck?" and so on. after a few days of this, nobody every listens to you again.

22. market a line of potpourri-scented toilet plungers

23. convince radiohead to let you open for them for their first post-covid concert and spend your entire set reading aloud your boba fett fan fiction

24. spend a decade of your life composing nursery rhymes that sound like a nest of angry bees

25. become head of product development for crayon and convince them to introduce two new color options: used car orange and dirty needle brown

26. adopt a series of increasingly elaborate facial tics simply out of boredom

27. form a right-wing 80s hair metal band called quiet capitol riot and name your beach house führer's roost